SMHappyface Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 Ok, so I don't know, but is there any way to tell if a guy is a player? My ex-fiance had a history of long-term relationships, and they all dumped him, except the girl before me. I don't know if I could call him a player, but he definately was a cheater. The guy before him had two previous relationships, but he had a lot of "girlfriends" which I found out later. HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOUR GUY IS A PLAYER before he runs away with your heart? Ok, this guy I met and really like has had 5-6 significant relationships and dated 60-80 women. He's 29. Does this info mean for sure he's a player? Any ideas guys?
Outcast Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 The only way you can find out for sure is to spend enough time with him to get to know him.
Author SMHappyface Posted December 11, 2005 Author Posted December 11, 2005 The only way you can find out for sure is to spend enough time with him to get to know him. I definately seem to have a knack for finding the frogs in the world. The way I see it, a guy that seems too nice probably is too good to be true. It could be he just didn't find the right girl, too picky or just has a seriously committment issue problem! Who knows? I just am sick of donating my time to these losers who end up leaving me. But this guy is fun, if I just enjoy it for what it is until I know for sure, I won't regret it that way. I just wish there were some clues that could help....
JS17 Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 I know what you mean. I feel the same way. In fact, I started the same thread half a year ago. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t67542/ I don't think I really got any good definitive answers.
kitkat826 Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 Trust your instinct. Don't fall for over-the-top sentiment or jaw dropping feats, unless you truly think they are sincere. Remember that almost all men will act differently before the booty is had, and many will keep up the act afterwards in order to keep it. Beware of the guys who play any type of games to keep you second guessing yourself, the relationship, keep you feeling guilty, etc.; it works to keep you insecure so that you are happy to get the scraps he throws out while he is also seeing other women. Trust your instinct.
lindya Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 Keep a mental log of his anecdotes, then once you've heard a whole load of them he'll start repeating himself. A good ear and careful observation of his mannerisms will give you clues as to the extent to which he rehearses his anecdotes and relies on a set "routine" rather than having genuine interaction with women.
HowStupidAmI Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 Speaking as a guy; The question I reckon you need to be asking yourself is probably not 'how can I tell if a guy is a player?' but 'why am I attracted to guys who are players?'. In fact, I think most girls know instinctively - but subconsiously - whether a guy is a player within 30 seconds of meeting him. The problem is, that's what makes him attractive to you. It's the same for virtually all women, which is why so many complain they end up always dating 'bad guys', while they remain completely oblivious to the fact their best friends are the 'nice guys', and they're not attracted to them. I know from my own experience that the way to steal a girl's heart is to play the game, and not to tell her how much I love her, regardless of how I feel. So, on the off chance I might be right, the hard part is solving the problem, since you can't change what you find attractive. I think you might want to consider what you're doing in the early stages of a relationship that might make the aforementioned player want to move on; perhaps playing too easy to get (I don't mean easy to get into bed, I mean too easy for him to believe he's 'stolen your heart'), or trying to move the relationship on to comittment too fast. The alternative is to re-evaluate guys you've always seen as friends and try to realise the behaviour you see as weak is ultimately what you're looking for in a guy.
lindya Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 Speaking as a guy; The question I reckon you need to be asking yourself is probably not 'how can I tell if a guy is a player?' but 'why am I attracted to guys who are players?'. Times I've been attracted to a player they've had the following qualities. 1. Good looks 2. An easy manner 3. Humour and intelligence These are extremely sexy men who are inevitably going to be attractive to a lot of women. They're not "bad guys", but right through life they've strongly appealed to the opposite sex - and flirting is just second nature to them. They're not good relationship material - there's far too much scope for being cheated on - but they can light up a room, and they certainly know how to make a woman feel sexy. Being spoilt for choice they sometimes inadvertently end up hurting the feelings of people they flirted with - particularly shy women who took them seriously and feel played because they didn't have the level of sophistication required to enjoy light flirtation. They think of the guy as a s***, rather than appreciating that that he was just trying to make them feel good about themselves. Then there's the more conscious player who tries to mimic the "natural flirt". Maybe this guy is a friend of the natural flirt's. He may deliberately treat women badly because he views this as part of his friend's "technique" and has convinced himself that it's the secret of his success (possibly, at the same time, rationalising his desire to punish women for consistently overlooking him in favour of the sexy friend). That's how I see it, at least
JS17 Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 Being spoilt for choice they sometimes inadvertently end up hurting the feelings of people they flirted with - particularly shy women who took them seriously and feel played because they didn't have the level of sophistication required to enjoy light flirtation. They think of the guy as a s***, rather than appreciating that that he was just trying to make them feel good about themselves. I'm surprised to hear this from you Lindya. Maybe I'm misunderstanding. Are you talking about in the context of a relationship or someone one would speak with briefly one time?
kitkat826 Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 These are extremely sexy men who are inevitably going to be attractive to a lot of women. They're not "bad guys", but right through life they've strongly appealed to the opposite sex - and flirting is just second nature to them. They're not good relationship material - there's far too much scope for being cheated on - but they can light up a room, and they certainly know how to make a woman feel sexy. Being spoilt for choice they sometimes inadvertently end up hurting the feelings of people they flirted with - particularly shy women who took them seriously and feel played because they didn't have the level of sophistication required to enjoy light flirtation. They think of the guy as a s***, rather than appreciating that that he was just trying to make them feel good about themselves. Well put Lindya, and I agree. Some people are just naturally more "people-oriented" than others, and know how to get along well and interact with the opposite sex. Those who are not strong in this area and don't have a lot of experience and inner confidence can easily get their feelings hurt. What defines a player in my mind, however, is someone who intentionally uses their skills to trick people.
HowStupidAmI Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 Times I've been attracted to a player they've had the following qualities. 1. Good looks 2. An easy manner 3. Humour and intelligence Have you ever met a guy with these three qualities that you *weren't* attracted to? If so, have you any idea why? I ask out of genuine curiosity. It does seem a bit unfair to class any guy with good looks and a sense of humor a bad choice because he's likely to be a player. I'd freely admit I fall into the category of 'conscious player', because my natural instinct when I'm with a girl I'm really attracted to is to be the guy women *say* they want right from the start - the caring, sensitive, thoughtful one who appreciates their feelings and is always willing to listen. Believe me after a date I'm putting more thought into how long to wait before calling again than she is in waiting for the call. I can speak from experience though when I say this simply *does not* work. I'm lucky enough to be, I guess, fairly attractive and generally have always been able to get a girls' number, and get on incredibly well on the first date - then for her to usually turn round and say she just wants to be friends. It took me a good few years to realise why this was happening - it seems to baffle most guys, because clearly she found you attractive initially and then by being the perfect guy you've turned her off! Now I tease girls a lot more on dates, aren't afraid to call it a night early if I don't think we're getting on that well, and suggest I'm attracted more on a physical than emotional level. This does actually become natural behaviour after a few dates when you realise the effect it has. Anyway, sorry if that was a bit of a thread hijack. If you actually want a sure-fire trivial way to tell if a guy is a player turn him down and see if he either looks a little upset and goes to talk to his friends (not a player!) or immediately turns to the girl next to you and starts flirting (player!). Then if you still like him you can always catch him again and just apologise/joke and say yeah, you'd like a date. If he's gone off with another girl in the meantime then - you guessed it - he's a player. With regards to the guy you met and really like, bear in mind most guys will exaggerate one way or the other when you ask them how many girls they've dated, as your previous boyfriend shows. Regardless, though, that's no measure of how much of a player he is. I'd guess breaking up with the fiance must have hurt quite a lot and probably made you a bit more wary / suspicious of guys, and I think the common women's advice magazine reply would be that you need to accept a small percent of guys are b*stards, you got unlucky, and assume lightning won't strike twice.
Author SMHappyface Posted December 12, 2005 Author Posted December 12, 2005 I'd guess breaking up with the fiance must have hurt quite a lot and probably made you a bit more wary / suspicious of guys, and I think the common women's advice magazine reply would be that you need to accept a small percent of guys are b*stards, you got unlucky, and assume lightning won't strike twice. *Smiles* My ex-finace is the SECOND guy in a row to cheat on me in a serious relationship, although I wasn't engaged to the first. Perhaps I get the three times you're out part? I would like to comment on several GREAT comments I have read - basically how some people are just naturally great with guys/girls, and just because of their charisma get a lot of attention thus saying they are "players". I think a true player is somebody that is out to to PLAY - many women/men, no committment and with little regard to the feelings of another person. There are various different types - serial players, committemaphobics, and just plain a**h***s. I guess I don't trust a guy who "likes" me... And I'm not sure how to know for sure who I can...
cplfun13 Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 Speaking as a guy; The question I reckon you need to be asking yourself is probably not 'how can I tell if a guy is a player?' but 'why am I attracted to guys who are players?'. Players usually go after a certain type of person. They play the ones that can get played easily. So don't think that it is all your attraction to them. Players can tell pretty fast if you’re a good candidate for their game. You can't spot them all! I dated a man once that at first always talked about how he always wanted to be in a committed relationship, but all the girls looked at him as a "great friend" only. He tried and tried but he just suffered from the "nice guy" syndrome. Come to find out, he was a player extraordinaire. That was his game. It was a type I had never came across berfore. Well, that poor basterd got what was coming to him; he fell in love and got married, to ME..... It worked out for us, but he played a few females with that routine before I came along. Just always be on your toes, don't dive in to fast, and don't be afraid to trust any gut feelings that you may get about someone.
Author SMHappyface Posted December 12, 2005 Author Posted December 12, 2005 Just always be on your toes, don't dive in to fast, and don't be afraid to trust any gut feelings that you may get about someone. I have never been a fall too fast type of girl - I dated my ex two months before I would even let him kiss me even! I first told him I loved him almot 8 months after he first confessed it to me. He talked about marriage for 2 years before I even told him I'd think about it. Then when I finally got the nerve to trust him, he proposed. Then BANG, 1 week later he's banging another chick. WOW. This is NOT textbook situation. Perhaps this was one VERY bad relationship that I couldn't avoid just by following 'rules'... I mean there were signs - his dad was against marriage, his parents broken up. But he has always been quite attatched to his past gf's and had long relationships. I took my time and still got burned. I guess what I'm trying to say is that time can weed out the main player-types (and I can usually spot them too). I come off in a crowd as a hot hard-to-talk-to chick. I don't flirt with just anybody and stick with people I know. I wouldn't think I'm the first candidate for a player. I just want to find a nice guy who wants just me....
lindya Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 I'm surprised to hear this from you Lindya. Maybe I'm misunderstanding. Are you talking about in the context of a relationship or someone one would speak with briefly one time? Not relationship material, JS17. They're the guys you chat to at a party, because they're fun and flirty. I like them, but I don't take them seriously enough to have a strong emotional connection with them. Have you ever met a guy with these three qualities that you *weren't* attracted to? If so, have you any idea why? I ask out of genuine curiosity. Yes - sometimes I can see that a guy has those qualities, but I usually I have to be having direct communication (eye contact, conversation) with someone in order to actually feel drawn to them.
loony Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 Being spoilt for choice they sometimes inadvertently end up hurting the feelings of people they flirted with - particularly shy women who took them seriously and feel played because they didn't have the level of sophistication required to enjoy light flirtation. They think of the guy as a s***, rather than appreciating that that he was just trying to make them feel good about themselves. I've experienced this... I realized a friend of mine I had a crush on flirted with everybody, that caused a major heartbreak. But I got over him and even more, I realized that I really did not want to be with him. I like him as a friend, but I don't see any compatibility between us and I also didn't like the fact that he tried hooking up with me while he continued a relationship with girlfriend of two years, whom he was not even in love with. He told me that she would tell him "I love you" and he answered with "Hm, um, eh...." I think it took him another year to break up with her. The irony is that now he does feel attracted to me and I just feel bothered by his approaches and avoid him.
ReluctantRomeo Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 The only way you can find out for sure is to spend enough time with him to get to know him. I agree with this. Sad but true, players (female as well as male) are designed to be deceptive. Some are obvious, but a lot of them are very good at what they do. Kitkat kinda has a point with the listen to your instincts thing, because they may help you in other ways. But they will not help you against a good player - this type knows how to appeal to your instincts. The only true test is time. Looking at previous relationships and the way they treat other people (eg colleagues, family) can also help. But a good player will do their best to make sure you see things in the "right" light.
lindya Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 I've experienced this... I realized a friend of mine I had a crush on flirted with everybody, that caused a major heartbreak. But I got over him and even more, I realized that I really did not want to be with him. It's the Mr Wickham syndrome again. We're all just going to have to keep hoping for our Mr Darcy, and accept that he won't necessarily look like Colin Firth....
loony Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 Colin Firth.... He's sooooo cute. :love: I just saw him in the Bridget Jones films, but I like his character, like I said, I like guys to be quiet and calm, and he also looks so cute. He would be perfect for me.
ReluctantRomeo Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 If you actually want a sure-fire trivial way to tell if a guy is a player turn him down and see if he either looks a little upset and goes to talk to his friends (not a player!) or immediately turns to the girl next to you and starts flirting (player!). Hmm. I'm not convinced by this test. In a party context, I'll happily chat (and flirt) with whomever. If someone is rude, I'll just move on. This party chat strategy says nothing about how seriously I take relationships.
lindya Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 He's sooooo cute. :love: I just saw him in the Bridget Jones films, but I like his character, like I said, I like guys to be quiet and calm, and he also looks so cute. He would be perfect for me. You do realise that alpha will read this thread and start advising men on how to present as a "Mr Darcy figure"....
ReluctantRomeo Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 You do realise that alpha will read this thread and start advising men on how to present as a "Mr Darcy figure".... If by then the pair of you haven't already given the game away with your online fantasising
loony Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 You do realise that alpha will read this thread and start advising men on how to present as a "Mr Darcy figure".... I've moved past this player stuff... And I think most players wouldn't manage to act like the "Mr Darcy" character anyway.
loony Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 If by then the pair of you haven't already given the game away with your online fantasising I think I wouldn't date anybody I met on LS anyway. After posting my secrets here on LS don't assume you're in the race anymore.
lindya Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 If by then the pair of you haven't already given the game away with your online fantasising Aha, but we wouldn't be giving away any secrets that Jane Austen hasn't already shared very eloquently.
Recommended Posts