blind_otter Posted December 10, 2005 Posted December 10, 2005 I'm dating someone who has an 8 year old child from a previous marriage. I mostly make a conscious effort to keep his kid at arm's length. I'm not his parent, I don't discipline him or coddle him or try to curry favor. I treat him like a kid and leave it at that. That said, I do expect that an 8 year old has some basic understanding of polite behavior. He acts out and says weird things that he obviously heard from his mom (who I've never met, my choice), commenting on the age difference between me and his dad as if 8 years is a huge gap, and on my job waitressing, and on other things that I don't remember thinking about when I was 8. I avoid any kind of parenting implication, or meeting the ex-wife, out of deference to their past relationship. I am trying to be as polite as possible, some people think that is a little brittle. My BF is being weird about things. He wants me to be more involved with his child, but I am afraid of incurring the wrath of his ex-wife. She's not very kind, to my BF or in reference to me (she calls me "that girl" mostly) The kid is no angel. He's got behavioral problems, probably stemming from attachment issues relating to his parents very acrimonious relationship. He is rude and pushy and demanding. Honestly I don't like him, I tolerate him because I love his father. I feel wrong though, disliking a child like that. He spits out food that I cook, refuses kind gestures from me...I understand that developmentally he probably doesn't understand how his tantrums affect others but for f***'s sake, he's EIGHT. There should be a modicum of civility taught to children by then. I mean, I have nieces and nephews who, at age 5 and 6, know more about polite behavior than he does. But I kind of feel like, as much as I care for my BF, I should get out of this relationship. I often feel like i can't handle the dynamic present in our relationship -- lately we argue more and more about how his child behaves, and the kid almost seems to try to instigate things, sometimes even fibbing, getting his dad riled up, then saying "Oh I was just kidding". I think he's a lot smarter than his grades indicate. I feel paranoid thinking that his child is instigating stuff. Maybe the dad is just a weak man. There has to be a logtical explanation to this conundrum.
Author blind_otter Posted December 10, 2005 Author Posted December 10, 2005 He ended up retreating back to Europe. Long story. Long awkward painful story. Needless to say that relationship ended. AFAIK.
Outcast Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 Gosh. Sorry about that. I understand that developmentally he probably doesn't understand how his tantrums affect others but for f***'s sake, he's EIGHT. There should be a modicum of civility taught to children by then. I mean, I have nieces and nephews who, at age 5 and 6, know more about polite behavior than he does. Different kids, different temperaments. Eight is awfully young still. I used to teach 8-year-olds at Sunday school and the boys especially were still pretty rowdy. Kids get pretty messed up by divorce, especially if the parents are not on the best of terms. He's probably acting out because of the situation in his family. And he probably picks up on your dislike. If you can try to find things that you like about him, you may see that he warms up to you. Remember, though, in a kid's mind, being nice to daddy's new gf may translate as disloyalty to mom. It's a hard situation to be in.
Author blind_otter Posted December 11, 2005 Author Posted December 11, 2005 yeah. i figured. My mom stopped by my house today and the kid was outside playing and she tsk-tsk'ed me and said i shouldn't be dating someone with a kid. She's rather frosty to the tot herself. i get no support from my family, as they think I should just break up with the guy. I previously vowed to never date a dude with a kid. I made an exception because he rocked my world for the first time since I got married years ago. Now I think I probably should have, regardless of my feelings, kept my vow. I think about breaking up with him constantly and even my co-workers think I should split up with him.
Outcast Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 Well, if you can't hack the kid, you can't hack the kid. I was lucky - the kids I had to deal with were great. Better than their dad in retrospect
loony Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 He ended up retreating back to Europe. Long story. Long awkward painful story. Needless to say that relationship ended. AFAIK. I don't know anything about kids, but I'm so sorry that you relationship has ended. I had wished you more luck.
Author blind_otter Posted December 11, 2005 Author Posted December 11, 2005 Well, if you can't hack the kid, you can't hack the kid. I was lucky - the kids I had to deal with were great. Better than their dad in retrospect It wouldn't be so bad if the dad wasn't totally afraid to discipline his kid. His kid acts like he's 8 going on 16. I joke that he's already going through puberty. Last night I happened to say, at like 11:30pm, that his kid should be in bed and the dad looked at me blankly like, "What? 8 year olds should have a bed time?" I justified it saying that like, I don't want to deal with his crabby kid tomorrow after he hasn't slept well. Hell, we were supposed to hang out tonight - he sent his kid to the grandparents, but I blew my BF off and said I needed time to "cool off". Looks like this, as all my relationships, is ending because I don't like the looks of things.
Author blind_otter Posted December 11, 2005 Author Posted December 11, 2005 I don't know anything about kids, but I'm so sorry that you relationship has ended. I had wished you more luck. Thanks. It was sucky, devestating, and gave me a convenient excuse to get back into rehab.
Newfoundland Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 If you don't feel like you could ever have a close relationship with this child, get out now. You're not doing yourself, the child or your BF any favors.
JayKay Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 Blind Otter... You are in almost the EXACT situation as my best friend! She is dating a man she adores who has an eight year old son. The ex wife is nasty and disrespectful. The son is acting out a LOT and the father, while he does discipline him to a certain degree, he also lets a lot of stuff slide that he probably shouldn't. Funny, and she's also a waitress! Anyway, it's important to work out discipline issues. One of the main reasons 'blended families' don't work out is the discipline issue. Maybe you should get an unbiased third party involved and have some couples counseling to work on this. You might also suggest you take 'parenting classes' together to better learn how to deal with the boy's acting out. He is old enough to learn manners and respect, I agree.
reader Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 I realize dating someone with a child is difficult, I've been the one with the children. It appears to me that you are not ready to do this. It might be better to move on. Whatever the issues with the father and son, they are there and will be for a very long time. It takes someone who is fearless to be involved. Someone extremely giving, understanding and patient. The dynamics are complicated and I think you should stick to your vow.
Author blind_otter Posted December 11, 2005 Author Posted December 11, 2005 I realize dating someone with a child is difficult, I've been the one with the children. It appears to me that you are not ready to do this. It might be better to move on. Whatever the issues with the father and son, they are there and will be for a very long time. It takes someone who is fearless to be involved. Someone extremely giving, understanding and patient. The dynamics are complicated and I think you should stick to your vow. Honestly I don't see why the qualities are paramount. If the Dad did his job to the best of his abilities (and he has admitted that he doesn't, hell half the time he doesn't bother to take his kid to school on the mondays that he has him) there wouldn't BE an issue, and the person involved with him, regardless of their "fearlessness" (What?), giving, or patience, would only set themselves up to be a co-dependent martyr in their train-wreck of a relationship. Anyways, it's a nonissue, since I broke up with him this morning. It actually had nothing to do with his kid, besides me mentioning that I had basically been supporting the kid for the past week (it's not my kid, hell I only actually met his son 2 months ago). I was actually talking about certain mental issues I have regarding being raped, and he was kind of insensitive and judgemental. I suppose normally I would tolerate his inability to understand, but I guess my tolerance has gone down to zero.
alphamale Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 But I kind of feel like, as much as I care for my BF, I should get out of this relationship. I often feel like i can't handle the dynamic present in our relationship -- lately we argue more and more about how his child behaves, and the kid almost seems to try to instigate things, sometimes even fibbing, getting his dad riled up, Give it another two or three months and if things don't get better then split....situations like this usually spiral down as time goes along. A relationship never exists in a vacuum and it's very hard to date people who already have kids cause those kids rarely accept you.
Art_Critic Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 I agree with newfoundland.. The 8 year old is acting out because his parents are no longer together.. kids blame themselves for the divorce and never drop the fantasy that their parents won't get back together.. In the childs eyes you are stopping his mother from being with his dad.. Expect more rejection and a tougher road that only childs therapy as a family can fix.. I have lived thru a situation very similair to yours.. since you are not commited to them you need to leave.. or commit and work on getting the childs attention thru love and patience Edit.. I just saw your last post.. Since you broke up its a moot point.. Sorry about your breakup If you don't feel like you could ever have a close relationship with this child, get out now. You're not doing yourself, the child or your BF any favors.
lilmoma1973 Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 Blind otter i am a step parent and you when you are dating someone that has a kid from a previous relationship you make the decision to love the man as well as the child!!! I understand where you are coming from been there and found that if i was distant from the child in fear that i would have to deal with the ex well you will have to eventually .. Be the bigger person and learn to love this child sounds to me the mother isn't all that involved in the childs life if the behavior is this bad!! Most time the child will try to cause problems in your relationship but the mother is telling him to and she is jealous and afraid you are going to do a better job than her and he will love you more !! Being with someone that has a child can be a hard thing to deal with and if you love this guy and willing to jump all the obstacles with this situation than stay but if not then you need to bow out gracefully !! I guess i am a strong individual and dealt with alot with my ss mom but where is she today and he is 15 and he is with us and she is hardly in the picture!! I have been in my ss life since he was 2 and been through alot and it has been a long road but i love my h was willing to stick it out and am glad i did because i have a ss that can be anything he wants to be athletic and talented in sports and will go far anything he decides to do!! i also have a beautiful 6 yr old daughter that can be anything she wants also !! I love these kids with all my heart and will do anything for them !!! My ss mom has missed out alot on her son's life in everything he has accomplished h and i haven't !!H and i have been there for him always !! We have had or ups and downs but we made it through!!!
Author blind_otter Posted December 12, 2005 Author Posted December 12, 2005 Blind otter i am a step parent and you when you are dating someone that has a kid from a previous relationship you make the decision to love the man as well as the child!!! I understand where you are coming from been there and found that if i was distant from the child in fear that i would have to deal with the ex well you will have to eventually .. I think if I had met the kid when he was young, it would have been easier. He's just rude to me for no reason. He has this weird sense of entitlement. Like, I feed him, take him to the movies, blah blah blah - he acts like (a) I owe him this entertainment and (b) the money comes from his dad. I have neices and nephews that I am close to, so it's not like I'm a novice. My nephew is like eight thousand times better behaved than this kid. The kid's mom has another child from a previous relationship and has had a series of boyfriends since the breakup, while the dad hasn't dated anyone. He's very...serious about relationships. Put it that way. So me breaking up with him isn't going well. He says I am the love of his life. He says he knows how hard it is. His son has behavioral issues beyond just me. I mean, getting suspended from school twice by 2nd grade takes some serious effort. I've broken down regarding my avoidance of disciplining that kid ONE time, when he cussed his dad out in front of me. I told him he was acting like a little animal. He was supposed to go to McDonald's and I refused to drive him there and said that i don't understand why he continues to get privileges when he does nothing to earn them. Ever since then he's had a grudge. Seriously, I can't describe it enough for you to realize...this kid once reported his OWN MOTHER to DCF for child abuse because he was MAD at her. This is when he was like 6, right after the divorce.
alphamale Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 My nephew is like eight thousand times better behaved than this kid. that's sort of an exaggeration, is it not B_O? Lets say a thousand times.
lilmoma1973 Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 I think if I had met the kid when he was young, it would have been easier. He's just rude to me for no reason. He has this weird sense of entitlement. Like, I feed him, take him to the movies, blah blah blah - he acts like (a) I owe him this entertainment and (b) the money comes from his dad. I have neices and nephews that I am close to, so it's not like I'm a novice. My nephew is like eight thousand times better behaved than this kid. The kid's mom has another child from a previous relationship and has had a series of boyfriends since the breakup, while the dad hasn't dated anyone. He's very...serious about relationships. Put it that way. So me breaking up with him isn't going well. He says I am the love of his life. He says he knows how hard it is. His son has behavioral issues beyond just me. I mean, getting suspended from school twice by 2nd grade takes some serious effort. I've broken down regarding my avoidance of disciplining that kid ONE time, when he cussed his dad out in front of me. I told him he was acting like a little animal. He was supposed to go to McDonald's and I refused to drive him there and said that i don't understand why he continues to get privileges when he does nothing to earn them. Ever since then he's had a grudge. Seriously, I can't describe it enough for you to realize...this kid once reported his OWN MOTHER to DCF for child abuse because he was MAD at her. This is when he was like 6, right after the divorce. Poor kid and i can totally relate to what you are saying and he is lashing out from the divorce and his mom not being stable ..A kid needs stability and speaking from expiernce what i have dealt with ss mom she wasn't and he was scared of getting close to me fear that mom will be mad!! She sounds like my ss mom she has had more b/f than i can count!! She done drugs and drank and ss has lived with us for a long time.. We had joint custody and always pretty much provided for him .. She decided we could have him full time and she see him every other weekend .. Why not we had him all the time anyways ..She had a child to take care of that she had from previous and couldn't take care of ss !! SS moved in with us and has been with us every since.. He is now 15 and he is like own ..You stand your ground with this kid especially you going to be with this guy..Make sure you tell your b/f you will not tolerate this if you are in this realtionship permanantly!! You gotta make this clear to him or things will be hard for you..I should have done this along time ago and things might have not been so bad for me!! Sounds like this kid is needing some tough love and wanting to be loved also!! Just MO
Author blind_otter Posted December 12, 2005 Author Posted December 12, 2005 that's sort of an exaggeration, is it not B_O? Lets say a thousand times. 327.9 times . yeah, booyyyyyyeeeezzzzz.
Outcast Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 He's just rude to me for no reason. He has this weird sense of entitlement. Like, I feed him, take him to the movies, blah blah blah - he acts like (a) I owe him this entertainment and (b) the money comes from his dad. He's a little kid. His life got screwed up through no fault of his own. His dad is taking up with new women and his mom sounds a bit off. Kids his age don't have many options for expressing their distress when their lives go into the crapper. this kid once reported his OWN MOTHER to DCF for child abuse because he was MAD at her. This is when he was like 6, right after the divorce. Right. Little kids get pretty messed up by divorces. Expecting him to take it with aplomb is illogical.
magda Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 I think that if you get back with this guy it should be that you see each other only without the kid until this dad/son team get their act together. He needs to learn how to discipline his child and work on those issues. If he's not willing to do that, he's not a good guy..
Author blind_otter Posted December 14, 2005 Author Posted December 14, 2005 We continue to discuss his issues. He has a hard time even talking about his divorce. At first I thought this meant that he was still attached to her, but it's more because he is very bitter about the way that they both behaved during the split. He and I still talk and hang out, he has been by to take care of me the last few days because I've been sick. You know they love you when you smell like puke and they still act like you're gorgeous. Flaws. they can be endearing, they can be deal breakers. They make you appear more fragile and human. They are reasons why you could possibly be so dysfunctional that you are an emotional black hole.
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