konfuzd Posted December 10, 2005 Posted December 10, 2005 My ex showed up at my house the other night in tears. I think I'd rather have witnessed a train wreck. I can't get the image out of my head. He's not an emotional guy at all. Maybe that's why it's so disturbing. I ended up inviting him in and consolling him for 3 hours. I couldn't turn him away in the state he was in. I was afraid he'd do something to himself. I told him he should seek counselling. I don't know what more I can do. I don't want him back. I have just made a major step in my healing process. I'm not questioning at all what to do in terms of the relationship. It is over. I have accepted that (thanks to all the great advice I've recieved here). Amazingly enough, I didn't cry. That's how I knew I was completely over him. I know I'm not responsible to help him get over this, and I fully intend on maintaining NC, as much as I can. We do hang out at the same places, and are bound to run into eachother from time to time. I watched a nature show this morning... images of cheetahs, lions and vultures ripping apart bloody carcasses didn't bother me at all. Why does the image of a grown man sitting on my couch crying keep me awake at night and haunt my dreams?
Milo Posted December 10, 2005 Posted December 10, 2005 I know what you mean about witnessing someone crying whom you would never picture doing that. Seeing my father cry once during his divorce was pretty much like that.
slubberdegullion Posted December 10, 2005 Posted December 10, 2005 Why does the image of a grown man sitting on my couch crying keep me awake at night and haunt my dreams? It's because he was entirely out of character. In a sense, I envy him because he had a safe place to go and allow the release to happen without being judged or criticized, which is often what happens when a man breaks down like that. It was probably a very cathartic time for him too, when the realization of the split finally "sunk in." You did the right thing, but you probably already know that. The image which you find so distressful will fade in time, and as both you and he heal you will both come to realize the turning-point nature of last night.
Outcast Posted December 10, 2005 Posted December 10, 2005 I watched a nature show this morning... images of cheetahs, lions and vultures ripping apart bloody carcasses didn't bother me at all. Why does the image of a grown man sitting on my couch crying keep me awake at night and haunt my dreams? Because the animals weren't expressing pain (if they felt any - animals often kill quickly and efficiently) in a way you could identify. I'm guessing if you saw a film of young animals crying out for their missing mother, you'd have been saddened because it's similar to babies crying.
Brittanyjean06 Posted December 10, 2005 Posted December 10, 2005 i guess because were not used to seeing some men cry( some of us are though)...and were very emotional...seeing any guy cry would honestly rip me apart
Author konfuzd Posted December 10, 2005 Author Posted December 10, 2005 It's because he was entirely out of character. In a sense, I envy him because he had a safe place to go and allow the release to happen without being judged or criticized, which is often what happens when a man breaks down like that. During the course of the conversation, he revealed some very personal things which I know he's never told anyone else. I really admired his strength to do that. In your opinion (and anyone else who reads this), is it wrong to break NC to check to make sure he's ok? I'm really worried, and I know that he really has no one else to release these feelings to. I don't want to give him false hope, but I do sincerely care about him, and want him to be able to come to me if he does need that support.
Clevelandfan Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 How about leaving him alone. Sounds like he's pretty torn up and you really showed him when he was with you all upset that emotionally you didn't give a crap. Have you moved on to the next guy yet? Is that why you don't care about him anymore? It seems most women get over a guy emotionally by way of another guy before they move on. Sorry if I sound too judgemental, but I think giving him support will definitely be leading him on and he needs to go through the stages of healing now. You know,..sadness, bargaining, hate,..he'll be alright. He thought you were special obviously and got emotional, maybe you aren't so special to him now.
chocolate_boy Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 I know what you mean about witnessing someone crying whom you would never picture doing that. Seeing my father cry once during his divorce was pretty much like that. An ex of mine said to me once "there's nothing less attractive in the world than seeing your boyfriend cry".
johan Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 I'm really worried, and I know that he really has no one else to release these feelings to. I don't want to give him false hope, but I do sincerely care about him, and want him to be able to come to me if he does need that support. I'm not going to say don't worry about him, because you care about him so you're just going to. But, trust me, you don't want him coming to you for that kind of support. He'll survive, just like everyone else survives.
Outcast Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 An ex of mine said to me once "there's nothing less attractive in the world than seeing your boyfriend cry". One woman's opinion. Everybody thinks differently. Some people find it moving. Others find it sweet. There is no single response.
Author konfuzd Posted December 13, 2005 Author Posted December 13, 2005 How about leaving him alone. Sounds like he's pretty torn up and you really showed him when he was with you all upset that emotionally you didn't give a crap. Have you moved on to the next guy yet? Is that why you don't care about him anymore? Wow, I'd really like to know what sparked this. I know I've asked for opinions, and everyone has a right to theirs, and I'm not taking this personally, but I want to know what part of my post told you that I didn't give a crap. The break up happened over 2 months ago, and yes, I have been dating other people, but no that doesn't mean I don't give a crap, it means that I feel I had given my ex plenty of chances to give me what I want and feel I deserve out of a relationship. He admittedly treated me like sh*t. I spoke to him several times about how his actions hurt me, and when he didn't change, I broke it off. Now that it's over, I'm supposed to put myself back in that positon because he had a revelation that if you treat your girlfriend like dirt, she'll walk away from you? I think he is an amazing person, and I do care about him, and feel terrible that he's hurting, but I know he's not what's best for me and my life in terms of forming a loving and everlasting bond. Does that make me a bad person, does that sound like someone who doesn't give a crap? please answer me that.
Author konfuzd Posted December 13, 2005 Author Posted December 13, 2005 An ex of mine said to me once "there's nothing less attractive in the world than seeing your boyfriend cry". If he were crying about the Canucks losing a game... yeah very unattractive, but this is a whole different situation.
Author konfuzd Posted December 13, 2005 Author Posted December 13, 2005 I'm not going to say don't worry about him, because you care about him so you're just going to. But, trust me, you don't want him coming to you for that kind of support. He'll survive, just like everyone else survives. Thanks. I really hope so.
J dub Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 >Wow, I'd really like to know what sparked this. I think this guy has some salt in his wound and felt the need to voice his opinion on how he visualizes girls acting in emotional situations. My guess is he's rather bitter towards females in general, I wouldnt think twice about what he said to you. It's just an opinion, and you know how easily they can be swayed given certain circumstances in ones life. >but I want to know what part of my post told you that I didn't give a crap. My guess is because you said you didnt cry. I am pretty much as lost as you, though. You wouldnt be posting at all on here if you didnt care. Apparently he didnt see it that way... > Now that it's over, I'm supposed to put myself back in that positon because he had a revelation that if you treat your girlfriend like dirt, she'll walk away from you? I know what youre saying. No, definitely not something you should do. Females are nurturing and caring by nature. When someone comes to you for help, its normal for us to allow them to cry on our shoulder to show support. If you are over him, and want to move on my suggestion would be to just be kind to him if he comes to you, but otherwise assume he'll make it ok. If you call and baby him too much it might make it seem like youre TOO worried about him which in turn could make him feel like you dont trust he can take care of himself. For whatever reason, men hate that (again, I dont understand that either). At least you were able to sympathize with him and just leave it at that, you know? I have one question...was he coming to you because he misses you? Did it come out that the reason behind his sudden outburst of emotions were triggered by something you did/didnt do? Perhaps that may sway my response now that I am thinking about it...
Art_Critic Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 We can cry.. We just don't cry because we had a bad day or because someone hurts our feelings.. When we cry it is over something big.. A death of a family member.. A life changing event can do it or something tragic
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 Females are nurturing and caring by nature. When someone comes to you for help, its normal for us to allow them to cry on our shoulder to show support. not necessarily... as a man i am that... my ex girlfriend just pissed off without much of an explanation and i was good as gold to her... she didn't talk for more than 3 minutes of why she walked away! if anyone was caring and nurturing it was me... a male!
J dub Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 >if anyone was caring and nurturing it was me... a male! I think you may have misunderstood, I didnt mean men arent caring/nurturing, I just meant in a situation like she was put in, it's normal for her to feel the way she does. thats all.
Author konfuzd Posted December 13, 2005 Author Posted December 13, 2005 I have one question...was he coming to you because he misses you? Did it come out that the reason behind his sudden outburst of emotions were triggered by something you did/didnt do? Perhaps that may sway my response now that I am thinking about it... The outburst was basically triggered when I ran into him at a show the other night. I had gone by myself, and he saw that other guys kept talking to me, and he got really jealous. During the course of the night, we exchanged some small talk, mostly about the bands that were playing. We used to go to all these concerts together, so I guess all the good memories of us being together came back to him.
ashley83 Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 One woman's opinion. Everybody thinks differently. Some people find it moving. Others find it sweet. There is no single response. I find it moving and sweet!
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