Betrayed by a group of girls who I met through a so called 'supportive' group of women

[ozziegal8]

I have been in a single mums group for approx 10 years.  I have 2 kids of my own. Around the time my kids were born I met 2 women who live nearby who have same aged kids as mine.  I reckon I have known them now for 6 years.  Lets call them X and Y.  Both X and I were there for each other when our kids were young but there were a few things that happened after a few years that made me backoff but still remained friends.  X pretty much dumped her original friends to join the 'clique' group in the mums group.  Some things happened and the clique left pretty much stabbing X in the back.  My kids go to same school as her child and I have made lots of friends with the parents and didnt really worry about including her given what happened earlier on. I also must add she had some health issue's and during covid I supported her as her family lived far away.
I have also been friends with Y who also lives nearby for 5 years.  I have gone on holidays with her and last year she continually chose to go on trips with the big group along with X and would message me complaining she was being left out by all of them but yet would still keep going.  Y also talks a lot about herself and not really interested in hearing what others have to say, she loves being centre of attention and if you try and talk online she say's she has to go after a few mins. She has an opinion on everything.
Fast forward to late last year. My father passed away late December and have been completely devastated.  The main group are supposed to be supportive but only a few have offered love and empathy during my time of grieving. Before my Dad passed I had arranged a camping trip with X & Y and another person lets call her Z. I have known her for a year and gone on another trip with her the year before. X pulled out of the trip stating couldnt afford it.
Y also tried to pull out saying her mum wouldnt look after her dogs but she changed her mind when the park would let her bring her dog.
We all went away with me feeling really sad as it was in between the death and the funeral. I introduced Z to Y.

Trip was fine with no drama's.

Fast forward to this weekend. We go on an annual trip with the big group and I have a cabin i book and there is a waiting list to get accommodation within the group. Z was going to come and camp.  Z found out i had a cabin and kept messaging asking if she could share. The cabin is tiny with only a bar sized fridge. I tried to tell her this and give her the hint. I dont like sharing anymore and i like my space and i work hard and need rest and peace.  She wouldnt take no for an answer.  She offered money 50/50 I didnt expect 50/50 given i have 2 kids and she has 1.
I was worried about sharing also as she has different parenting value's. e.g. she doesnt like devices or tv.  She has said to me before I scroll too much on my phone.

The forecast for the weekend was extremely hot with fire warnings etc. I made a post on social media about my concerns and it was pretty much downplayed with someone saying I had ptsd from fire and hope i get the help I need. Y did stand up for me and posted that everyone should be respectful but she said dont put a like under my comment as they will know we have been talking.

Anyway got up there and it was really hot and i was getting alerts on my phone about fire danger and heat and i mentioned this.  Next day we went out for lunch and a bushfire had only occurred 2 weeks ago and you could see the damage in the hills (the area is famous for its hills) and i mentioned this and then when were leaving i commented on how far the fire got up to the fence. Z turns around after I drove her to the lunch saying 'You are fixated on this' and you have stopped talking about it.  I was gobsmacked and told her it was rude. She was saying hear my side of the story blah blah. After this I just wanted to go home.  After the issue's with the original social media post I didnt want to go at all and Z talked me into going saying these people were stupid etc.

I really didnt feel like talking to Z after this so she goes up to X&Y's cabin. Came back twice saying for me to go there but i just didnt feel like it.  Later that night she came back and started gumbling under her breath so I said this is why i never wanted to share. She then say's in front of our kids 'no wonder that you fight with everyone' mind you the day before she was telling me she cant connect with school parents.  I then decided to leave the next day one day early. I left whilst she was once again up at X&Y's.  I got a flat tyre thankfully a stranger helped. During this time X who had been calling me all the time prior to my fight with Z hadnt contacted me. Then when i get home I get a message saying 'sorry have been busy, heard you left hope you are ok catch up one day soon.  I also realised i left an esky full of food in the cabin.  I tried messaging X to see if she would bring my esky back and she said she had no room in her car.  I then tried several others and no one bothered to help.  In the end the group organiser brought it home and she lives an hour away.

I am so hurt by all of their actions, why couldnt either of them bring my belongings back when they live around the corner or even come and check up on me when I upset by Z's actions. I'm also annoyed with Y who always whinged about being left out on trips yet she did the same thing to me in the end.  I think Y is a follower and likes to be with the crowd (crowd follower).  I only lost my dad 2 months ago so I really didn't need to deal with this.  Should I get rid of them?

[d0nnivain]

I am so sorry about your father.  It's hard especially if you were a daddy's girl. 

This whole group sounds like a lot of drama.  Every mom's group I have ever known about seems to be like this: fully of catty self-important mean girls.   

I'd step away from the group.  Maybe go find a grief support group.  

Do go out of your way to thank whoever brought your stuff back.  Maybe meet in the middle for lunch or a play date.  

[ozziegal8]

17 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

I am so sorry about your father.  It's hard especially if you were a daddy's girl. 

This whole group sounds like a lot of drama.  Every mom's group I have ever known about seems to be like this: fully of catty self-important mean girls.   

I'd step away from the group.  Maybe go find a grief support group.  

Do go out of your way to thank whoever brought your stuff back.  Maybe meet in the middle for lunch or a play date.  

Thankyou. I wasn't really a Daddy's girls but everyone loved him including his friends.

I've stepped away from that group and blocked most of them funnily  enough Z messaged me last night and paid $100 into my account as I left a night early from the accommodation.
I will have to drive all the way over to the person's place that collected the esky for me as its a bit rude of me to expect her to meet me halfway.

[Els]

Insane that they are dismissing your concerns considering how bushfires are such a real threat in Australia. I'd definitely block them or at the very least not go on retreats with them again.

[d0nnivain]

6 hours ago, ozziegal8 said:

I will have to drive all the way over to the person's place that collected the esky for me as its a bit rude of me to expect her to meet me halfway.

I was under the impression you already had your esky back.  You are correct that to pick that up etiquette dictates you go to her.  My meet in the middle suggestion was a follow up.  That you take her out & treat her to a cup of coffee or something as a further thank you.  For your sake I was also hoping that you & she could become better friends.  

[ozziegal8]

On 3/12/2024 at 11:43 PM, d0nnivain said:

I am so sorry about your father.  It's hard especially if you were a daddy's girl. 

This whole group sounds like a lot of drama.  Every mom's group I have ever known about seems to be like this: fully of catty self-important mean girls.   

I'd step away from the group.  Maybe go find a grief support group.  

Do go out of your way to thank whoever brought your stuff back.  Maybe meet in the middle for lunch or a play date.  

 

15 hours ago, Els said:

Insane that they are dismissing your concerns considering how bushfires are such a real threat in Australia. I'd definitely block them or at the very least not go on retreats with them again.

Exactly, thankyou for understanding my point.  The whole area we were in had bushfires go through only 2 weeks before and temperature's were 40 degree's, other events in the area were cancelled so I think I was justified for putting a safety message out.
I've blocked them now.

[ozziegal8]

10 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

I was under the impression you already had your esky back.  You are correct that to pick that up etiquette dictates you go to her.  My meet in the middle suggestion was a follow up.  That you take her out & treat her to a cup of coffee or something as a further thank you.  For your sake I was also hoping that you & she could become better friends.  

No I had to send messages all over the place to see if someone could get it and it was full of food and no doubt I lost it all in the heat as no one bothered to help or get back to me.  The person that collected it was one of the one's initially that tried to downplay my post about bushfire threat but we resolved it over the phone, she also text my whilst i was away as I hadn't joined the group asking if I was ok.  She has just gone through chemo so it was nice of her to do that and I forgave the downplaying and recommendation i needed counselling on a public post.
Z messaged me and put in money to cover the night of accommodation when I left early. I said thanks and that will be it, proved her character.

[MsJayne]

On 3/12/2024 at 4:21 PM, ozziegal8 said:

Should I get rid of them?

If you find people toxic, yes, you should get rid of them, but that also applies vice versa. 

On 3/12/2024 at 4:21 PM, ozziegal8 said:

Z turns around after I drove her to the lunch saying 'You are fixated on this' and you have stopped talking about it.

I find it interesting that you felt no one else was taking the high fire alert seriously, and that Z told you that you constantly mentioning it was getting a bit much. Most people aren't so stupid that they need someone nannying them when it comes to serious safety issues. Everyone was aware of the circumstances and there was really no need to mention it unless you received an alert telling you there is a fire and you need to evacuate the area. When you say, "after I drove her to the lunch", are you implying that as you'd just done her a very small favour that meant she had no right to express her annoyance with you? 

On 3/12/2024 at 4:21 PM, ozziegal8 said:

I made a post on social media about my concerns and it was pretty much downplayed with someone saying I had ptsd from fire and hope i get the help I need.

The comment diminished and devalued you, and was obviously a deliberate dig, though they would probably try to pass it off as 'humour' if confronted. This person is definitely someone you should get rid of. 

On 3/12/2024 at 4:21 PM, ozziegal8 said:

I also realised i left an esky full of food in the cabin.  I tried messaging X to see if she would bring my esky back and she said she had no room in her car.  I then tried several others and no one bothered to help.  In the end the group organiser brought it home and she lives an hour away.

The Esky Saga. If you hadn't left in a fit of petulance you wouldn't have forgotten your esky .  I'm guessing that there was an element of spite in the other women refusing to bring it back for you, which was nasty of them. You'd obviously rubbed everyone up the wrong way....see below. 

 

On 3/12/2024 at 4:21 PM, ozziegal8 said:

I was worried about sharing also as she has different parenting value's. e.g. she doesnt like devices or tv.  She has said to me before I scroll too much on my phone.

You didn't want her in your cabin because you didn't want the negativity of that disapproving presence, and that's fair enough. Just like it's fair enough that the group as a whole found your excessive worrying about a fire that didn't happen to be a downer. You're trying to justify your behaviour by using the fire that occurred two weeks earlier as an excuse, but, the rude "get help' comment on social media, and Z confronting you and telling you to back off with the "Fire, fire" stuff indicates that your behaviour was annoying to everyone, and that's because the bearers of doom and gloom, particularly in a situation like a trip away which should be lighthearted and fun, suck the fun out of it for other people. 

Groups of women can get very petty, and do have a tendency to gang up and start gossiping and judging behind each others backs. If you genuinely need a bit of support, like with the loss of your father, true friends will be there with a listening ear and kind intentions, fake friends will be secretly rolling their eyes and cutting the conversation short, (like Y) . If you don't get that support, they're not actually "friends", they're acquaintances, so if you do choose to back away from this group, you haven't really lost anything other than a bit of company. Of course, if your children are friends and play together they should be considered before you completely cut ties with people. 

If you're finding that grief for your father isn't lessening with time, it might be helpful to get some support from a grief counsellor. Usually around the two-three month mark a grieving person will start to come to terms with the loss and begin to feel lighter, but if you find this isn't happening for you then maybe some counselling could help. As you're a sole parent I imagine your Dad would have been the man you turned to when you needed man-things done around your home, and also the main male influence in your kids lives, so your loss is possibly compounded by those factors. A good counsellor could help you to avoid developing complex grief, particularly as the loss of a friendship circle on top of the loss of your Dad would make you high risk.  Just don't tell any of those b*****s if you do decide to enlist a bit of professional support. 

 

 

Edited March 14, 2024 by MsJayne

[ozziegal8]

2 hours ago, MsJayne said:

If you find people toxic, yes, you should get rid of them, but that also applies vice versa. 

I find it interesting that you felt no one else was taking the high fire alert seriously, and that Z told you that you constantly mentioning it was getting a bit much. Most people aren't so stupid that they need someone nannying them when it comes to serious safety issues. Everyone was aware of the circumstances and there was really no need to mention it unless you received an alert telling you there is a fire and you need to evacuate the area. When you say, "after I drove her to the lunch", are you implying that as you'd just done her a very small favour that meant she had no right to express her annoyance with you? 

After my post to the group, which said 'Not trying to be a negative Nancy but I just saw the weather forecast for this weekend 39 3 days in a row ouch! With all the bushfires in the area lately hope the park has a good fire safety plan.' There were alerts in the news and Emergency Vic app's leading up to the weekend.  They commented with 'there are no fire's now' and someone wrote 'Don't listen to the negative comments' in response to someone who posted advising they had auto immune illnesses and can't handle the heat.  I might add X even commented under my post telling people to be respectful as they were being rude to me.  I might add that my other friends who didnt attend also thought me going away was silly and it was dangerous being up there.   A massive festival also in my city (parade) was cancelled due to the heat.

I Z to lunch and also agreed to let her share the small cabin I had hired 1 year in advance and as I have gone on this trip 5 times I get first dibs on the cabin.  Z would have had to have waited 2 years to get into a cabin.  Originally Z was camping in a tent and found out I had a cabin and nagged me to share. I tried talking the cabin down saying it was too small for 5 ppl but she talked me into it in the end. So I let her share my cabin and also didnt expect her to pay 50/50.

The comment diminished and devalued you, and was obviously a deliberate dig, though they would probably try to pass it off as 'humour' if confronted. This person is definitely someone you should get rid of. 

The person who made this comment is the one whom collected my esky in the end.

The Esky Saga. If you hadn't left in a fit of petulance you wouldn't have forgotten your esky .  I'm guessing that there was an element of spite in the other women refusing to bring it back for you, which was nasty of them. You'd obviously rubbed everyone up the wrong way....see below. 

 

You didn't want her in your cabin because you didn't want the negativity of that disapproving presence, and that's fair enough. Just like it's fair enough that the group as a whole found your excessive worrying about a fire that didn't happen to be a downer. You're trying to justify your behaviour by using the fire that occurred two weeks earlier as an excuse, but, the rude "get help' comment on social media, and Z confronting you and telling you to back off with the "Fire, fire" stuff indicates that your behaviour was annoying to everyone, and that's because the bearers of doom and gloom, particularly in a situation like a trip away which should be lighthearted and fun, suck the fun out of it for other people. 

This was a safety issue and as it was several festivals in the area were cancelled because of the heat.

Groups of women can get very petty, and do have a tendency to gang up and start gossiping and judging behind each others backs. If you genuinely need a bit of support, like with the loss of your father, true friends will be there with a listening ear and kind intentions, fake friends will be secretly rolling their eyes and cutting the conversation short, (like Y) . If you don't get that support, they're not actually "friends", they're acquaintances, so if you do choose to back away from this group, you haven't really lost anything other than a bit of company. Of course, if your children are friends and play together they should be considered before you completely cut ties with people. 

My kids have lots of friends they don't hang out with these particular kids regularly.

If you're finding that grief for your father isn't lessening with time, it might be helpful to get some support from a grief counsellor. Usually around the two-three month mark a grieving person will start to come to terms with the loss and begin to feel lighter,

I have come to terms with it, in fact I went back to work in January a month after my Dad passed away and have not had any setbacks since in fact I was worried that I was not crying enough about my father.  I must add as well that my father had a terminal disease for 10 years and I visited him weekly and watched him decline to a vegetable. Not once did I get any help or support from these people.

but if you find this isn't happening for you then maybe some counselling could help. As you're a sole parent I imagine your Dad would have been the man you turned to when you needed man-things done around your home, and also the main male influence in your kids lives, so your loss is possibly compounded by those factors.

I haven't had my father around for 10 years, my kids did not meet him when he was mentally there.

A good counsellor could help you to avoid developing complex grief, particularly as the loss of a friendship circle on top of the loss of your Dad would make you high risk.  Just don't tell any of those b*****s if you do decide to enlist a bit of professional support. 

I do have counselling and have had for years.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

Condolences on your father. Hopefully you are taking care of yourself and getting some bereavement support. 

Please try to square away the details of stuff from the trip. After that please distance yourself and jump out of this catty litter box. 

[ozziegal8]

On 3/15/2024 at 8:53 AM, MsJayne said:

If you're finding that grief for your father isn't lessening with time, it might be helpful to get some support from a grief counsellor. Usually around the two-three month mark a grieving person will start to come to terms with the loss and begin to feel lighter,

@MsJayne Ever lost a parent to a terminal illness? There is no time limit with grief, it can take a year to come terms with it not 2 months. I went back to work 1 week after my fathers funeral so please do not judge how I am coping with the death of my father.

[MsJayne]

7 hours ago, ozziegal8 said:

@MsJayne Ever lost a parent to a terminal illness? There is no time limit with grief, it can take a year to come terms with it not 2 months. I went back to work 1 week after my fathers funeral so please do not judge how I am coping with the death of my father.

Yes, I lost my father to cancer. That’s extremely rude of you. I’m wasn’t judging you, merely commenting in response to your post. But I’m going to judge you now because you’re rude. You go on a lot about how unsupportive your friends were in relation to your father’s death, so it comes across as you not coping. I realise now that it’s just one of a list of crimes your friends have committed. Now that you’ve posted a couple more times I’m starting to see a pattern. You blame other people a lot, you’re self-absorbed, (example, you seem to think you’re the only person in the world who ever lost a parent to illness), and you don’t like being told the truth. I see why this group of women are sick of your drama. 

Edited March 16, 2024 by MsJayne

[ozziegal8]

3 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Yes, I lost my father to cancer. That’s extremely rude of you. I’m wasn’t judging you, merely commenting in response to your post. But I’m going to judge you now because you’re rude. You go on a lot about how unsupportive your friends were in relation to your father’s death, so it comes across as you not coping. I realise now that it’s just one of a list of crimes your friends have committed. Now that you’ve posted a couple more times I’m starting to see a pattern. You blame other people a lot, you’re self-absorbed, (example, you seem to think you’re the only person in the world who ever lost a parent to illness), and you don’t like being told the truth. I see why this group of women are sick of your drama. 

Wow! I also noticed a pattern when I searched your advice given to others on this page, you are judgemental to everyone and think you're high and mighty without looking at your own self righteousness.. People like you should not be allowed on forums like this giving out advice to the vulnerable, its dangerous and if you did this to the wrong person it could end in tragedy. Check yourself!