Husband's prognosis serious

[reader]

I got the news yesterday. I went to the Dr., and met him after my husband saw him. My husband has uncontrolled type 2 diabetes. Now, you and I know this is something that can be taken care of. The problem, is my husband hasn't.

 

This is awful. He went to the Dr. only because I went so off the chain last Saturday that he made an appointment and said I couldn't be in the room with him, but could talk to the Dr. afterwards. My husband is an attorney, so we all know why he did that - Dr. - patient privelege...

 

The Dr. said he is in bad shape. He would not tell me his A1C count which would have told me the extent of his permanent damage. I asked him if he would be around in 5 years and he just looked at me. I found out he should have been having lab work done every 3 months for the last three years, and has only gone once a year. They checked his blood yesterday and they will up his meds AGAIN - they were just doubled! He is as high as he can go on the meds for most Drs., some will add another 500 miligrams and that's it, it's insulin after that.

 

Now, if he won't test his blood, he won't be able to handle insulin. I got him to make an appointment with a counselor, but we are dealing with someone who is absolutely brilliant and will not really get help. This has gone on for 5 years - now it is getting bad.

 

I spoke to the nurse where I work, ironically, her husband died of diabetes complications because he would not take care of himself. He was a Dr.!! She said he won't be around and that I had to let him take responsibility.

 

I have really, really good friends now, I'm almost done with college, and I have two wonderful almost grown kids. I work with a personal trainer and feel and look nice.

 

After the appointment, I went to dinner with a friend so I could calm down. I have not talked to my husband yet. I have done everything I can, from making his lunch, to trying to get him to exercise and nothing works.

 

Ain't love grand?

[JS17]

hi reader...I'm sorry that you're going through this. I can't possibly begin to know how hurt you are but I have struggled with similar issues. Both of my parents are very overweight. No matter how hard I try to get them to lose it for their health they give a half @ssed attempt. I try to encourage them to go to the gym, give them tips for healthy snacks, etc. My father finally got to a point where he was diagnosed with borderline diabetes due to his weight. It gave him and all of us a good scare and he lost a little bit but he's still overweight and I don't know how to help him anymore. You can't help someone who won't help themself, all you can do is let them know how much you care and how what they're doing to themself is hurting you. Try to keep a positive attitude, you don't KNOW what will happen. Plan for the worst, hope for the best. I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time. *hugs*

[In Sync]

I am sorry that you are going through this difficult ordeal, wanting a loved one to take care of themselves and feeling helpess...I can only imagine frustrating it feels.

Have you talked with your husband and expressed you are worried about his health, "not with you should do this and that" but simply "I love you and I am worried about you." Second have you talked with your children (they are adults as you say, they can handle hearing the news about their parents health) Maybe a gentle family pow wow could be of influence to your husband. As for you in this period, you may need to consult with a member of your clergy or spiritual guidance, or a therapist because you will eventually worry and stress over his health and thereby your health and mental state will deteriorate.

I don't know how you feel about prayer but I do believe there is power in it.

[slubberdegullion]

Let my add my sympathies to the list.

 

It's possible that he's either in denial about the situation (possible, but not likely) or that he's reached a point where he simply doesn't giveas***.

 

Either way, all you can do is support him and offer your unconditional love.

 

Both JS17 and In Synch make good suggestions and points.

 

Good luck.

[reader]

I've done all of the above.

 

Slub, This guy is brilliant. I don't see how he can't know what he is doing - so I think it is a combination of complete denial and he really doesn't givea****.

 

There is nothing I can do but take care of myself. Sorry, I know that may sound cold - I have done everything I can think of and have gotten professional advice.

 

There is very little information out there regarding this. I would have thought there was more. I think the whole thing is inconceivable...

[slubberdegullion]

You may find some good info here: http://diabetes.healthcentersonline.com/type2diabetesbasics/?WT.srch=1

[Outcast]

Have you asked him directly why he doesn't take responsibility? What does he say?

[reader]

He doesn't answer. Remember, he's been an attorney for 25 years - he is a pro at avoiding direct questions.

 

I know you are trying to help. What I need now, is not did I do this, did I do that - I've done everything I can think of.

 

What I need with is making sure I stay ok. Do you know what I mean? I can't let my own health deteriorate - I will need to stay calm and strong.

[Outcast]

My question wasn't about you.

 

You know what I'd try? Write Dr. Phil. People who don't get something or are in denial get totally shocked out of it when they're dragged onto a stage and given what-for by the good doctor. Given that you are in danger of losing your DH, I figure it would be worth a try.

[quankanne]

lo siento, reader … I have been on both ends (I am diabetic, with parents who are diabetic), and the only thing I can think of is that your husband is in serious denial. It's going to take awhile before he even acknowledges the disease, which is definitely controllable.

 

some thoughts: Is there anyone you know whom he respects who also is dealing with diabetes? Has the doctor lined him up with a diabetes educator? Can you line hime up with an internist whose main work is diabetes related? (Until I got on with the doctor I am with now, the physician I was seeing had me on pills, then insulin, and I was having an extremely hard time getting it under control. New doc - an internist - took one look at my regimen, told me I was on insulin for old people, people who don't have variation in their schedule, and put me on a combination of insulins, a pill and a mineral supplement, and for the past 8 months I've been doing pretty well, all things considered. Moral of story: the right doctor can tailor a regimen to help get your DH's blood sugars in control, so don't give up hope.)

 

additional thought: you say he's a very sharp guy who chooses to ignore his diabetes. Maybe it's time to lay it on the line and tell him that you don't agree with his crappy self-care, but because there's only so much you can do to help him, it's time to get his affairs in order – leaving the will in an easily accessible place, lining up a nursing home that will care for him when you are unable, learning braille in preparation for going blind, stocking up on Pampers for the time when he becomes incontinant, getting to know the people at the local dialysis center and preparing for a possible future plagued with the depression that results when one's body cannot easily handle a chronic illness. THAT is the reality of diabetes, and sometimes it takes a good hard smack in the face to understand that the diabetic can easily become in control of the disease so that he or she *doesn't* have to go straight into a serious health situation. Or, you can play the guilt card by telling him how much he's hurting the people who love him and he's supposed to love. This last ditch attempt sounds bad, but if it spurs his butt into action, it's an effective tool.

 

while the doctor is right in saying that your husband has certain privileges as a patient, you as his primary "caretaker" should be allowed to provide input about your husband's lifestyle because you're his first line of defense, so to speak.

 

men can be difficult patients, but don't ever give up hope. Something will get him to respond, and when that happens, there are so many things he can do to lessen the problems associated with this illness.

 

in the meantime, don't batter yourself needlessly when it comes to your husband's response to the diabetes. There is only so much you can to do to inspire or help someone, because they've got to be willing to accept the responsibility for their behavior. There are lifestyle changes you can make, like eating and exercise habits, that are within your control, but remember that you are responsible only for so much, you know? Your own personal health is important to you.

 

best of luck to you,

quank

[Becoming]

Reader, I can sympathize to some degree. My husband let a chronic kidney problem go for two years until he ended up having to have 3 lithotripsies with anesthesia he doesn't do well and two surgeries that put him in hospital for 5 days. He lost 40% of his kidney function when he didn't have to. His father is on dialysis, so he knows better.

 

It is a total mystery to me as to how someone so brilliant can be so dense.

 

The thing is--his unwillingness to take care of himself impacts my life. I ended up having to take care of everything during this period at a time in my own life when my whole future career is at stake (i.e. tenure decision looming). I was so frickin' p.o.'d it was hard to be compassionate. I probably wasn't.

 

I agree with quank and what you already know. Take care of yourself and your kids. Make sure the financial affairs are in order. What really gets me about my h's situation is that now we'll have trouble getting more life insurance. My financial future has been compromised, and yours is being compromised by his actions, too.

 

I vowed to love in sickness and in health. But I didn't agree to love in abject stupidity and destructiveness. If this had just happened to him, it'd be one thing. But for your h to do this is the equivalent of slow suicide that makes you watch, and that's not OK.

 

What would happen if you left him, saying you refuse to be party to his suicide? C/Would doing that wake him up to the destruction he's doing? And are you willing to leave? Think about your future because he's deciding he doesn't want one. So what do you need from him now so that you're taken care of when he's gone because he's choosing to go whether you like it or not.

 

I like the Dr. Phil show idea! Let me know when the episode will air.

[HokeyReligions]

I can sympathize with you. My husband is diabetic. When he was first diagnosed (in 2000) we both went on diets to control sugar and carbs and we were swimming regularly. He tested his blood sugar 4 times a day and took his Glucophage regularly. That lasted for about five months. He hasn't tested his blood sugar in a couple of years - his teeth are rotting and he's having more and more health problems. He refuses to see a doctor about it because he knows he's going to die soon and he doesn't want to "waste his life" trying to take care of himself. He enjoys junk food and doesn't want to give it up. I understand your frustration and heartbreak.

 

Have you tried a different tack? Do you have any other attorney's that you are close to? Maybe you could fight fire with fire so to speak. Hire another attorney to take care of your affairs and maybe even approach your husband on a legal matter. Sue him for not taking care of himself -- maybe if he see's his health and what it is doing to his family in a legal view he might be more responsive because he doesn't want to lose the case. Maybe the fight needs to be redefined for him.

[reader]

Thanks for the input.

 

I've done all of the above. You can't get guardianship unless you prove it needs to be done.

 

He doesn't respect himself or other people. I've asked about the will, told him about nursing care.

 

I've done it all.

 

The Dr./Patient law sticks. The Dr. could lose his license.

 

He went to counseling last month and goes again this month. Too little, too slow and probably won't be enough time, particularly because he feels it is a problem between us, not his health.

 

He's been to diabetic training.

[Outcast]

But I didn't agree to love in abject stupidity and destructiveness.

 

I love that! Maybe you could try that line on him.

[Becoming]

My husband and I talked about this over dinner. My husband has changed his ways big time about his health. He has the strangest special diet that he follows very well, better than I probably would. So he's teachable.

 

He was telling me he knows someone's brother who's the same way with his diabetes, too. And he had a great idea: throw your husband a party with close friends and family. It can be a kind of pre-wake/intervention. Have folks give him the gifts quananne suggests. You can add a cane for his blindness, a braille book, books on tape, and a cemetary plot.

[quankanne]

Have folks give him the gifts quananne suggests.

 

ouch! That'd be some kind of wake-up call!

 

however, it sounds like her husband is digging his heels into his denial, so I don't know if anything would work. Some people have a fear of needles or the idea of being on insulin, and modify their behavior JUST to avoid that kind of future, but others just don't give a rat's *ss, and nothing you say will sway them.

 

would reverse shock psychology work with him? Like telling him that while you're not happy about his decision, the only thing left to do is to grudgingly accept his decision to kill himself? To offer to cook foods that are bad for him? To suggest finding a replacement so that when he completes his act of suicide, you'll have a seamless transition to the life of a merry widow? It's cruel, but maybe something will sink in.

 

an additional thought, that I didn't cover in my previous post: ask his doctor about treatment for depression. Being diabetic opens the doors to other illnesses because one's immune system gets weakened, and the body sometimes responds to stress by going into a funk or depression. Anti-depressants help keep the body's blood chemicals in balance, which might help change his outlook on his disease. Just a thought ...

[reader]

Guess what?

 

I've done that too. I mean the part about making me a rich widow, etc.

 

He just doesn't think it's going to happen, I guess. I told the Dr. I think he is depressed. The Dr., after realizing that he was being led the wrong way (ah, the skills of an attorney), and realized that I was there to support him, not criticize him (!) said he understands better now what is going on and we are to both be at his office in one month. I guarantee you I will not be allowed in. I will be there if I am to be included, but for my own mental health I have to move forward, especially since I may be handling a lot in the future.

 

I told the Dr. that he has found a socially acceptable form of suicide.

 

FYI - he had cookies and beer last night. Lovely.

 

I'm not going there anymore.

[reader]

Slub,

 

I went on the website. Thank you. I also go to webmd.com

 

One day at a time.