Kitteney Posted December 10, 2005 Posted December 10, 2005 ...I'd like to share some helpful advice. I have noticed a few threads about domestic violence, emotional abuse, etc. And I've thrown in my two cents from my own experiences. But I have some general advice that might be helpful for those who are starting out in a relationship. The back story: A girl friend of mine introduced me to one of her male co-workers. She said he was a really great guy, thoughtful, nice, polite, etc. He'd been divorced, his child lives with his ex half-way across the country, and is still somewhat bitter over the whole deal. After several dates he seems like a "keeper". A few weeks later I notice that some of the things he said and did struck me as odd and put me on edge. My gut told me he was hiding something. Then we had a spat over something trivial, his tone and body language was threatening. I got scared. I thought maybe I was over reacting, that my nerves were still raw from my marriage/divorce. BUT the next day, I went to the county courthouse and did a background check. I read about his divorce, some of the language in there made me think there was some violence. "Temporary Protective Order", "Supervised Visitation".... but nothing overtly frightening. Then, I pulled another case file from a few years earlier. It was his FIRST divorce and I was horrified to find she left him because he had been beating her and their two small children. With that in mind, I pulled the "It's not you it's me" breakup routine. (I couldn't very well say "Oh Honey, you're a wife and child beater, so I don't want to see you any more.) NOW here is the helpful advice.... court cases (civil--divorce/bankruptcy and criminal--DWI/domestic abuse, etc.) are a matter of public record (at least in the USA) and ANYONE can access the information. So next time you start to date someone and think something is wrong, you might be right to check it out. One word of caution, the only way the records can be accurate is if someone is willing to enter the information into public record--if you call the cops but don't press charges it won't likely become record. And it won't if you don't use "domestic abuse" as grounds for divorce. It can be embarrassing to admit you've been abused, especially if you're a man, but it happens. And who knows, you might save someone's life. I just wish my ex-husband's ex-wife had done so--I probably wouldn't have married the guy.
Steph21 Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 Sometimes you think there's something wrong, but can't put your finger on it. Gut feelings are huge, especially in the beginning because at first it's easy for the person to use self-control and be nice/charming/sweet. Then before you know it... A good rule, I think, is if you could imagine them potentially losing their temper and beating you, then end it right away and don't find out. Sure, you could be wrong. But being wrong is better than being abused.
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