gordon_gc Posted December 10, 2005 Posted December 10, 2005 Hi guys, Here is my small contribution to this forum in order to help some of us to go through the pain of breaking up and maybe get another chance. THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO THAT WILL CHANGE THINGS AROUND !!! As most of us, I had to deal with a painful breakup situation. As most of us, I thought I could do something to get her back. As most of us, I thought her confusion could be filled by more love and affection when she was asking for space and independance. I only made things worst. THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO THAT WILL CHANGE THINGS AROUND !!! After a strong relationship and a breakup, your mind is mostly using emotion to think which is not good and give a blurry vision of what is happening. I know exactly what you are thinking right now..."my situation is different, I still have a chance and i will fight for it". I admire this way of thinking but you need to wake up. If you want to have a 2nd chance, you will have to show lots of patience and self determination... Be someone strong !!! THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO THAT WILL CHANGE THINGS AROUND !!! You read this before but the best you can do is No Contact or at least contacts that will show you are strong...You cannot be weak or show weakness. She might still love you, she just lost the attraction. The attraction can only come back by showing a best YOU. It is hard but believe me, it is the thing to do. Don't be manipulative or trying to play game, it won't work (you are not in a movie). I believe in 2nd chances and NC should be used for this. Some will say that you should do NC to move on. I don't really agree. Most of the time, you will hear people telling you NC is the best thing to do. The only problem is that you don't really understand why. You think these people are cold heart. They are not. They are just giving advices without really telling you the reasons. I think NC should be used to show her you are about to become someone desired...do all these things you always wanted to do...Gym, Guitar, soccer, anything you always wanted to do but never got to do. THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO THAT WILL CHANGE THINGS AROUND !!! Ultimately, one day, you will wake up and willing to move on, maybe not but always work on yourself...It is all benefits ! By the way, the NC shouldn't be a strict NC. You still should keep in touch but make sure you are the one always finishing conversation by telling her you have something to do. The ony game you should play is hard to get !!! See that whole experience as a challenge. Just imagine you never met that girl and you are now building things up to show her that you are attractive. It's a dating game and you have to have some kind of control. Don't tell her the L-word. She knows it, don't worry. (would you say I love you to someone you just met???). Stick to this for a few weeks, be PATIENT... THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO THAT WILL CHANGE THINGS AROUND !!! Just get your life back together. Guys, feel free to ad replies to this thread...
J dub Posted December 10, 2005 Posted December 10, 2005 I agree with everything except this: >the NC shouldn't be a strict NC. You still should keep in touch but make sure you are the one always finishing conversation by telling her you have something to do. I'm telling you, they cant miss you if you dont go away! Let them wonder about you, because your disappearance will be much more of an attention-getter than anything you say to them. Trust me on this, everyone is intrigued by mysterious people, even your ex. Be mysterious and make it work in your favor because it CAN and WILL if you know how to. >THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO THAT WILL CHANGE THINGS AROUND !!! Just get your life back together. So, dont call. Dont email. Stay the hell away from anything that has a keypad when you get the urge to call/email. They know how to find you when theyre ready. In the meantime? Work on healing...its the best thing you can do for yourself.
ButtonPusher Posted December 10, 2005 Posted December 10, 2005 The thing that people just dont get is that NC does not just mean avoiding contact with your ex. No communication and the idea of no contact are two different ideas. You can have no communication and continue to hope that something will happen to bring you back together, but no contact means taking the step towards the path which leads to accepting that it is over. This does not neccessarily mean that you will not get back together, but it does mean that THINKING that you will get back together stops. This is by no means an overnight process, but carrying on with NC and letting yourself believe that it is a way of getting your ex back is a big mistake. Unfortunately for you gordon you fit in this category, and so you will continue to suffer, until either your ex does come back to you or you decide that it really is finished and you will not get back what you had. You said yourself that this kind of advice seems cold hearted, but you know its not. Good luck gordon.
Author gordon_gc Posted December 11, 2005 Author Posted December 11, 2005 I do agree with what you wrote Buttonpusher and gosh i wish it would be easy to forget her so quickly. The problem of the NC in application is not so much the fact that it is hard for me not to contact her (it is sometime) but more her contacting me. I don't think it is a mature thing to do to avoid her contacts. You have to be civil and return call (not immediatly)...I consider NC as NCTBGW (No Contact The Boyfriend Girlfriend Way). Of course, you should not have any expectation about contacts and shoudl always keep in mind that the relationship is over. Do i make sense ?
omegaRED Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 Do i make sense ? Yes, IF YOU ARE OVER HER. Otherwise you`re just rubbing salt in the wound... Who gives a f**k about the considerate or mature way to handle your exs (depends on the break up tho, the only exception being the break up was a mutual decision). That person left your life, you owe NOTHING to her/him.
Author gordon_gc Posted December 11, 2005 Author Posted December 11, 2005 Yes, IF YOU ARE OVER HER. Otherwise you`re just rubbing salt in the wound... Who gives a f**k about the considerate or mature way to handle your exs (depends on the break up tho, the only exception being the break up was a mutual decision). That person left your life, you owe NOTHING to her/him. You guys are right... I realise that, in some way, I am actually still playing a game. I am not over her at all. However, I do realise that improving my personal life will make things better. Whether it will give me a 2nd chance or not, I have no idea and only time will tell. About maturity, I realise that I do not have to be mature and civil but don't you think that silence only reflect to the other person that you are not over it...?
omegaRED Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 Again... Who gives a f**k what she thinks. She can think i`m in hell, or seventh heaven for all i care.
renaissancewoman101 Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 "You read this before but the best you can do is No Contact or at least contacts that will show you are strong...You cannot be weak or show weakness. She might still love you, she just lost the attraction. The attraction can only come back by showing a best YOU. It is hard but believe me, it is the thing to do." I think that applies for both men and women in relationships where they were dumped. But I am not sure if showing that you are strong and confident will bring the person back to you. I just dont know. Last night I saw my ex for dinner and a movie. That may very well be the last time I see him. My ex broke up with me saying that he lost his "feelings" for me. I finally figured out what my ex looks for in a girl. He likes to date women who are A LOT younger than him and who either live at home, are in school, or dont have a job, so they can look up to him and he can provide for them in some way on his meager salary. I still want my ex back. I just dont know how to approach it in a way that will appeal to him that I want him back. Last night was a disaster I think. He wanted to hang out with me because he knows I am moving away. When he first found that out, I know he was surprised about it. I told him that I found a new job and now am moving to San Diego. I also told him that since he dumped me and did not want to give me a second chance, I was not going to sit around pining away for him so I went and found a job in a new city because i wanted to forget everything about him. People have told me that if you are confident and act it and show that you are moving on, it can cause an ex to come back. I AM MOVING ON, but part of this is also to see if ex will come back. Yes, I am putting everything on the line. I gave up my job here, found a new place 4000 miles away from here and am pushing myself to let go of him, all in the hopes that he may one day come back to me. He has a new gf which complicates matters a lot. Last night was not a good night. We did go out to eat and to see a movie, but he was very nervouse around me all night. He was picking at his beard all night long, looking away from me, and he was fidgeting in the theatre. I tried to act confident and self-assured. It was very hard to do because I didnt feel it in my heart. I almost broke down when I told him that I felt bad about taking away the cell phone from him and I told him that I wanted him to have it back, at least for a year (for the rest of the duration of the plan), but he didnt want the cell phone back because he told me he didnt want to be seen as taking advantage or me and he wanted to get a cell phone on his own. He also told me that I could call him at the house and if he did get a cell phone in Jan, he would tell me what the number was. I told him that even though I was moving away, I still cared about him and wanted to keep a tie to him as friends. It was hard to be strong because I still love him, although things about him still bother me. It is just hard to see that he can lose his feelings for me and just not seem to care, considering, at one point he cared about me so much.
chocolate_boy Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 I think you need to have more self-respect, why lower yourself to change so you "appeal more" to someone who assessed you and the relationship and decided they'd rather try their luck elsewhere? Forget them and give them their wishes.
Sandyshine Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 3 break-ups in my life. One time we did get back together and have a good run of it. Then we broke up for good. You may be right most of the time, but it is possible to get back together. The best way to keep it a possibility is to stay friends after the break-up. 1
iheartyou Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 well all i can say about my ex is that i have been nagging him for the whole day today and that hasn't been working because he has his mind set. he said that he has no feelings for me and that anything that i say or do won't get him back again. heh but when i had not contacted him for about a week, he was sort of wondering what i was up to and was even thinking of meeting up with me for a hookup f*** with no strings attached. now please go read my post and help me out
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