sick of it Posted December 10, 2005 Posted December 10, 2005 Ive been posting a lot since i found this site. and let me tell you all, its very helpful and comforting to read a post and say, wow, that sounds like me. ive been having my ups and downs for a long time. its been 7 months after a 5.5 year relationship. shes moved on (pretty quickly in my opinion) and has been seeing someone for about 3 months, pretty seriously now. ive been trying to figure out what it is that triggers my bad days. why i can be fine and almost pity her decision, and then have a 180 and be completely depressed the next day. i think that the root is jealousy. im very jealous of her. ive never stopped loving her. i did everything i could to get her back. i miss her and want her...i miss things about her that i havent thought of in years. i have flashbacks of when we first started dating and all these beautiful wonderful memories come back. things im sure she doesnt remember or would be surprised that i do. im jealous that she has someone to share her love with. that she dumped me and moved right on. that my love wasnt good enough. that someone gets to expereince her int he way that i only did. that she is so "happy" now (though i dont know because of my lack of contact, shes told me shes happy but it sounds like a front). that she has all of these friends around her and i dont (i moved home to be with her and left my friends at school). the jealousy is based around love. that she gets to share it. that she gets to feel loved from both me and her new guy and i dont get it from anyone. i dont hate her for it. its not an angry jealousy but very sobering and depressing. does anyone else experience this or have any advice? i didnt realize this until today.
Yamaha Posted December 10, 2005 Posted December 10, 2005 You are in the 2nd stage of a break up. Your anger has dissipated but you still feel hope. You haven't come to terms that it's really over. What your feeling is very normal. As time goes on and you have little or no contact with her you will realize that you are never going to get back together. The ups and downs are also very normal. Just stay with NC and slowly your feelings will come into perspective. You will be able to talk about her without getting mad and you will start to want to date again. The time frame differs with people but you seem pretty normal to me.
SMHappyface Posted December 10, 2005 Posted December 10, 2005 5.5 years is a long time, don't expect it to be over over her very quickly. I doubt she is that over you, just another relationship takes the sting off of it. My fiance of 3 years suddenly was OVER me in a day, but there was another woman sleeping in his bed. If you truly love somebody you can't get over them THAT fast. I sometimes feel jealous of my ex, but I have come to terms that the relationship is indeed over. And so it has been for two months now. I don't regret the parts I played or the relationship as a whole. When you give love to somebody you have to give it regardless of any future strings or conditions. If you truly love her, let her go. Once you accept that the relationship is over, is when you can get on with life and heal. Being angry is natural, but focus on what you need to do in your own life to move on and be a whole person. She broke up with you, she doesn't need you anymore. Sucks, but that's life. People change - focus on you and a person who truly does love you will find you.
scobro Posted December 10, 2005 Posted December 10, 2005 im jealous that she has someone to share her love with. that she dumped me and moved right on. that my love wasnt good enough. that someone gets to expereince her int he way that i only did. Thats what I feel too sometimes.My wife dumped me out of the blue and left me devestated she started dating etc with me still living in our house together.I am like you have my angry days and good days but I know it's over in fact I am at the point where if she begged to come back I would never do it.Its been 4 months and it is still hard and you really start feeling the healing at this point but the no contact helps the most and things seem positive as well at this point its not all negative like the first couple of months.
Author sick of it Posted December 10, 2005 Author Posted December 10, 2005 i dont have angry days. im not mad at her. im just sad that i dont get to see her anymore. that i dont het to spend time with her. more importantly, that she doesnt want to spend time with me. i know ive fixed things. im past being angry about everything. I keep hearing that NC helps...but i think it needs to be in conjunction with being in contact with other people. I dont have that luxury where i am. im moving back to school next month, which is very hard for me to do, because it means im moving on, it means im no longer around her, its like the burning of a photo. even though i know i need to be around my friends. i dont feel the same about them. i dont yearn to be around anyone but her...which i think is sick seeing that its been 7 months and i still feel this way. dont get me wrong, ive vastly improved from where i once was. she was my first. love, partner, kiss, everything...hopefully this is the worst it will ever be with anyone.
AriaIncognito Posted December 10, 2005 Posted December 10, 2005 I can very much empathize with you on the jealousy thing. My ex before my recent ex...I was with him for 4 years. We lived together for about 3 of those years. I thought he would be the one (though admittedly I knew he wasn't probably at the 2 year mark) and we broke up and got back together a few times. I moved out on our second to last break up and moved back home with my parents (age 27). 9 months later, I bought my own place, back up in the town we lived and worked in (about 2 miles from his house). We were together for another few months, and finally it ended. I thought my world had ended. Even worse, he met his now wife, like, right at the tail end of our relationship. So I was always laden with the "what was she that i wasn't". He dated her for 5 months...5 MONTHS! and proposed. Me, I dated him 4 years and never did I see a ring. It really hurt me. I didn't understand what was so wrong with me. They are now married and have an 11 month old daughter. I didn't date for 3 long years after we split up. I stayed single until age 30. I don't know why. I was maybe clinging onto the hope that he'd end up hating his new wife and leave? I don't know. I know how we weren't compatible for life. We had some fundamental differences that killed it for us. Once I was able to let go of the want to have him, and start dating again (well i dated 1 other man since him, my most recent ex, dated 1 year..til 2 weeks back) I was able to be his friend. He and I have talked since splitting up 4 years ago now. I'm still jealous in many ways though, but I'm jealous because I want that for myself, not because it's him. Anyway, I just kinda wanted to commiserate I suppose, and let you know that I'm sure many of us understand what it's like to feel jealous and like maybe you didn't measure up. Chin up, because you wont find the love of your life with your chin down :-) Jennifer
scobro Posted December 10, 2005 Posted December 10, 2005 My ex before my recent ex... geeez...why do all these relationships go wrong????
AriaIncognito Posted December 10, 2005 Posted December 10, 2005 I wish i know scobro lol. Worse yet is I always spend a year or more with them lol. I guess they don't work because they aren't "the one". I've been told that when you find that person, you'll know. You'll not have doubts. I hope to one day be able to speak of that from experience. Jennifer
phrekmon Posted December 10, 2005 Posted December 10, 2005 I think they emotionaly pull away long before they actualy walk, In my case my wife emotionaly walked, hooked up with OM emotionaly, but still the whole time lied to me about loving,wanting,needing me. (actualy made love very regular too) For sure she became physical with OM right after moving out. We were together 13 years married 10. I on the other hand am not ready to date, but I sure could use some lovin shoots its only been 21 days !
scobro Posted December 10, 2005 Posted December 10, 2005 For sure she became physical with OM right after moving out. We were together 13 years married 10. I on the other hand am not ready to date, but I sure could use some lovin shoots its only been 21 days ! God this pisses me off.The perfect example of how the dumper just kills her last victim and moves on all happy and confident like nothing ever happened.She is the one who is not hurting having a grand ol time on another penis ,while the person she hurts sits in absolute emotional hell ITS NOT F@#KING FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGG. I hope she gets a vaginal infection that makes her unable to walk upright for at least 3 years.
In Sync Posted December 10, 2005 Posted December 10, 2005 God this pisses me off.The perfect example of how the dumper just kills her last victim and moves on all happy and confident like nothing ever happened.She is the one who is not hurting having a grand ol time on another penis ,while the person she hurts sits in absolute emotional hell ITS NOT F@#KING FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGG. I hope she gets a vaginal infection that makes her unable to walk upright for at least 3 years. Scobro, don't want you popping a blood vessel...no more outburst. think happy thoughts:bunny:
scobro Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 think happy thoughts I am sick of happy thoughts it will get better bulls***.The fact of the matter is when you get dumped you are without a doubt the loser they are the winners and that is the way it is,you feel like crap and they are usually having sex. All theses posts Ive read, everyone who got dumped their ex is off either banging some chick or getting banged by some other guy.Plain and simple if you got dumped you are the one who hurts way worse. I guess you can tell its been a real tough week for me as far as thinking of my ex.
Milo Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 Thats what I feel too sometimes.My wife dumped me out of the blue and left me devestated she started dating etc with me still living in our house together. WTF? To hell with that. I'd have moved out of there or insisted she keep that under control out of respect. That's some rude sh*t.
westernxer Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 think happy thoughts Be like Happy Gilmore and visit your happy place, even if that place happens to be a dive bar.
Author sick of it Posted December 11, 2005 Author Posted December 11, 2005 I am sick of happy thoughts it will get better bulls***.The fact of the matter is when you get dumped you are without a doubt the loser they are the winners and that is the way it is,you feel like crap and they are usually having sex. All theses posts Ive read, everyone who got dumped their ex is off either banging some chick or getting banged by some other guy.Plain and simple if you got dumped you are the one who hurts way worse. I guess you can tell its been a real tough week for me as far as thinking of my ex. Scobro, its been a tough week here too. i hear ya, "itll get better", "youre better off". the fact is that im extremely unhappy right now. right now, i dont care that she hasnt dealt with the problem, i dont care that it will affect her future relationships. i care that im unhappy anf cant do anything about it until the feeling goes away. something that i shared with you and meant a lot to you, youre now doing with some other guy. does he mean that much to you? thats awfully quick. anyway...i understand that nothing looks up. that you take two steps forward and one step back. its very frustrating. i have to believe itll be ok in the end. i have to or ill go nuts. everything will be ok in the end. if its not ok, its not the end
SMHappyface Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 All theses posts Ive read, everyone who got dumped their ex is off either banging some chick or getting banged by some other guy. Plain and simple if you got dumped you are the one who hurts way worse. I tend to agree with this unfortunately - seems like the dumper seems to be totally moving on and cool with it. Why? Perhaps it's the control aspect - we hate things we have no control over, and when somebody dumps us, we are in that exact same position. Those that dump made the decision - it's easier to live with a decision you made, perhaps that is why they get over us faster than we do them, because if he WANTED to give up, we'd have been the one doing the dumping. On another note, maybe in the long-term we are the lucky ones, they may have dumped us, but we aren't with people that don't want to be with us anymore. Bleh, stupid hope - the non-tangible substance that keeps the human spirit alive. A lot of BS most of the time if you ask me.
scobro Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 Bleh, stupid hope - the non-tangible substance that keeps the human spirit alive. A lot of BS most of the time if you ask me. Tell me about it.Thats the problem with people today they are either basing their self on what has happened in the past or they are holding onto hope that might happen in the future."The hope of a better tomorrow will get me by today" it's BS you need to "live in the now"today is what is happening not tomorrow and yesterday is gone so what is left?.If you are at peace right now you will not have a mind full of "chatter" re-living the past or needing future to bring you hope.
SMHappyface Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 Tell me about it.Thats the problem with people today they are either basing their self on what has happened in the past or they are holding onto hope that might happen in the future."The hope of a better tomorrow will get me by today" it's BS you need to "live in the now"today is what is happening not tomorrow and yesterday is gone so what is left?.If you are at peace right now you will not have a mind full of "chatter" re-living the past or needing future to bring you hope. Yeah - I think I'm gunna live my life on a day-by-day basis. Not expecting anything more. I mean I used to think that flying on the wings of anticipation paid for the thud of reality at the end. But I'm almost wondering if a stance of expecting the worse and constantly being surprised would be a better way to live, lol. Or just not expect anything. This whole breakup has turned me into a cynic.
scobro Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 The one positive thing that has really done wonders for me is I started reading a lot after the breakup it was the only thing that would "comfort" me.Before the break-up the only things I read were the side of protein tubs so this was quite a positive change.Now of course it was all self help relationship books to help me understand what I was feeling but after 3 months I fell upon an enlightenment book that really made sense and help not re-live the past and base myself worth on what I had with my ex.I am as spiritual as a box of nails but this book has helped and is real interesting its by Eckhart Tolle and it is called "The power of Now" highly recommend you read this especially with what you are going through right now.
seachange Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 Funny, scobro - I just read this too - my ex sent it to me after the breakup. I gotta say, I was pretty offended, since the message seems to be, "let go". Still not quite sure how to take that gesture.
scobro Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 Funny, scobro - I just read this too - my ex sent it to me after the breakup. I gotta say, I was pretty offended, since the message seems to be, "let go". Still not quite sure how to take that gesture. HEHEHEHE I see your point,the ex was trying to say we never happened in the past don't hope for a future just think about this moment(without me )hahahahahaha. oh well i thought it was great and I just started his second book and listen to his lectures that I have downloaded.The conscience and unconscience mind really hit home when I start thinking of the past "the watcher" notices and I stop and realise what I am doing to myself I am trigering pain body.For me I am someone that dwells and need concrete reasons or I will dwell forever so when my marriage ended thats all i did, Eckharts book reallY:) got me thinking and changed my perception on what happened and not to dwell,also a little spirituality and enlightenment is a good ingredient in the personal growth recipe.
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