should i tell her?

[Frustrated_in_LA]

I suggest a counselor not for long-term psychiatric treatment, but merely a few sessions of plain old "working it out and getting support" from someone trained in the relevent area, someone who can help you understand what happened in your head that inspired and allowed you to cheat (not just once, but over an extended period of time which indicates something more is at work than plain old horniness that got out of control one night) and what you shuold change about your outlook, behavior, commitments, etc so that it doesn't happen again. I think you should know these things before you talk to her so you can say "This happened, this is why and this is what I am doing to make sure it never happens again." Otherwise, you're just confessing, which, trust me, isn't going to make anything better at all.

 

Imagine someone knocked on your door one day and told you they hit your car while it was parked and totaled it. Wouldn't you rather hear them say: "I hit your car, it was my fault completely. I have signed up for driving lessons so that I don't make the same mistake I did this time. I've also called my insurance and made sure that they are going to get you a new car, which will arrive in a few days. You don't have to worry about doing anything other tham get through this rough period other than wait for the new car to arrive. I'm sorry and I will do anything else you want me to to make this better for you"

 

versus:

 

"I hit your car, its in really bad shape now so its possible you can never drive it again. I'm not sure what happened, maybe I lost control, maybe it was just a one-time accident. I am really sorry. I feel so bad about this that I am going to try my best to never do it again. Please tell me how I can make it better for you."

 

See the difference? You have a lot of work to do, and you have to take responsibility for it if you in order for her to have any hope about your commitment and capacity to be her faithful husband. If you don't, she just has a mess in her hands.

 

Good luck.

[headingfor_doghouse]

that puts a really interesting spin on it. i guess it would be better to explain instead of just tell. i'll consider seeing a counselor, but i'm still not sure... i have a slight problem with people like counselors... all i can imagine is Dr. Phil. I just don't like the idea of being told what's wrong with me from someone who barely even knows my name, much less the events that have occured in my life to get me to where i am today.

[crazy_grl]

I have a question for you. You keep saying that your fiance will be coming home, so does that mean the two of you are both from the area you live currently live and that, along with this girl you cheated with, you both have other friends there, including friends who know this girl?

 

You've said that you know she won't tell your gf, because she's not like that, but the simple fact is that people talk. She may have already told somebody else about what's going on, who could tell somebody else, etc, etc. If you or your gf have people in the same circle of friends, then word is almost bound to get around to her at some point.

 

In any case, I think you should tell her, because it sounds to me like you want an open and honest relationship.

[NYCmitch25]

I have a question for you. You keep saying that your fiance will be coming home, so does that mean the two of you are both from the area you live currently live and that, along with this girl you cheated with, you both have other friends there, including friends who know this girl?

 

You've said that you know she won't tell your gf, because she's not like that, but the simple fact is that people talk. She may have already told somebody else about what's going on, who could tell somebody else, etc, etc. If you or your gf have people in the same circle of friends, then word is almost bound to get around to her at some point.

 

In any case, I think you should tell her, because it sounds to me like you want an open and honest relationship.

 

So he should be scared into doing it, not an issue of morality but the practical reason that there is an off chance she would find out? I'm getting tired of that comment.

[Frustrated_in_LA]

A counselor won't tell you what's wrong with you- they'll help you figure it out yourself by asking you questions. Th eonly reason I suggest one is because you should easily be able to find someone trained enough to be helpful for you for not very much cost. Try your local college or community health clinic and ask for a reference. Think of it like paying someone who knows to help you get in better shape. Or you can accomplish the same thing with anyone you have faith in has the expertise you are seeking. Basically you need to have figured out (by the time you tell her) a full reason why you did what you did that makes sense and is fixable and what you are doing to fix it so she can regain the trust and faith she will lose in you once you tell her. Good luck.

[RecordProducer]

Zak, don't tell her! You feel guilty, you sound like you won't do it again so don't screw everything up by telling her.

 

If my husband told me now that he was kissing/touching another woman while we're in a LDR, I would feel like I better never found out about it. It happened in the past. She won't find out about it. What she doesn't know can't hurt her. You feel responsible for your behavior and that's good. You won't do her a favor by telling her, you will only stab her straight in the heart.

 

Don't look for ways to feel better yourself. Morality is not about admitting how bad you were and hurt the person who didn't get the chance to get hurt by your deeds previously; it's about correcting your mistake and trying not to repeat it, about sparing the ones we love, and feeling responsible.

 

Don't tell her!

[sleepyness]

I don't agree with this don't tell her business. TELL HER! Girls have VERY long claws and this ex-friend may one day feel bitter that you left her on the sidelines and find a way of telling your fiancee. The guilt and the fear of this happening will eat you alive. DO NOT LET HER find out any other way! You might as well stick your head in the guillotine!

 

I commend you for your remorse and sincerity. This will ring through when you talk to her. She knows you love her. She will see that you are more than willing to change your ways and stay committed. It may take her some time, but she has the capacity to forgive. Expect to get slapped, expect to get a splash of wine, expect to get "I never want to talk to you again", and then be patient- she will come back because I truly believe that your sincerity and remorse will shine through.

 

Good luck!- keep us posted on what happens (this is like reality tv on the net, hmm how pathetic)

[crazy_grl]

So he should be scared into doing it, not an issue of morality but the practical reason that there is an off chance she would find out? I'm getting tired of that comment.

 

Could you do me a favor and stop putting words into other people's mouths? I was only pointing out that even though he said that he knew there was no way that she would find out, there really might be.

 

That had nothing to do with the reason why he should tell her, which was because from everything he's said, it sounds like he specifically (not you or me or anyone else) wants a relationship that's open and honest, and that hiding this from his fiance will not give him wants he wants out of a relationship. If he's not going to have what he wants, what's the point in continuing on with it and getting married?

[crazy_grl]

A counselor might be beneficial on two aspects. They can help you sort out what you want, and if you decide to tell her, it shows her that you really do regret what you've done and you're taking obvious action in working toward never doing it again.

[seachange]

A counselor might be beneficial on two aspects. They can help you sort out what you want, and if you decide to tell her, it shows her that you really do regret what you've done and you're taking obvious action in working toward never doing it again.

 

I think this, which is related to what Frustrated said earlier about having an explanation, is the key. Everyone makes mistakes, and now you feel bad about it, but I don't get the sense that you have a clear idea why you did it in the first place. It sounds like it was very impulsive, a reaction to feeling lonely, and you then compartmentalized it for months and didn't feel guilty about it until much later, when you came face-to-face with the reality of it. I know this sounds extreme at this early stage in your relationship, but this is indeed the way that many affairs start. Better to understand yourself from the start, and head off that potentially destructive pattern. A counselor could help you learn to see when you're "at-risk" for reacting impulsively in a certain way, why you chose that way to react, and what you could do instead that would be more constructive for your relationship.

 

Whether or not you decide to tell her, you really ought to figure this stuff out. She's a long ways away, and will be for some time. Making a vow to "never do it again" sounds great when she's nearby or you've seen each other recently, but what about when the loneliness hits full-force again?

[headingfor_doghouse]

I'm not sure if i should explain why i know that the other woman won't tell on me because it might change people's views on stuff and we might get off-topic. the fact is that even if she got completely pissed-off at me she wouldn't use this as revenge. i know her well enough to know that.

 

Secondly, yikes... RecordProducer made a pretty good argument, and now, i'm iffy again.

 

Thirdly, yes, i know that i need to understand why i did it in the first place, and i've been trying to figure that out. there are several possibilities, but none of them seem to be 100% of the cause. maybe it's a combination. But, if i figure out what i did wrong and start to fix it, then what's the point in telling her? if i have an understanding and can fix it completely, then why tell her that? it would be something like:

-"Hey, there's something i have to tell you. i made a big mistake a few months ago and fooled around with a friend. after thinking about it, i realized that i did it because [insert reason here], and i've prevented it from happening again by [insert prevention method here]."

~"ok... so you cheated on me, but you're sure it won't happen again?"

-"completely sure. and i'm very sorry that i did this to us."

yadda yadda yadda

 

so, really... what would be the point?

[seachange]

Well, part of it is that you need to understand why you did it because you need to know if you'll do it again. I don't think you can answer that at this point, to be brutally honest. And if you might, that's when the moral arguments really take over, in my view: because I believe your girlfriend has a right to know what she's getting into.

 

I'm not sure why you're so sure this other girl wouldn't tell - but I don't think the question of whether or not she'd tell is the most important question anyway. I think the question is, what is the history there between you. I don't so much think it matters what she would do and feel, but it matters quite a lot what you do and feel. It seems that there's a lot more to this story, and it's somehow evasive, which would make me wary.

 

There's also the other moral argument that's been raised by several folks (and occasionally attributed to me ), which is, what kind of relationship do you want to have with your girlfriend. That's a different, though no less important, argument. But that's one that you have to decide on your own; it's highly personal.

[NYCmitch25]

Could you do me a favor and stop putting words into other people's mouths? I was only pointing out that even though he said that he knew there was no way that she would find out, there really might be.

 

That had nothing to do with the reason why he should tell her, which was because from everything he's said, it sounds like he specifically (not you or me or anyone else) wants a relationship that's open and honest, and that hiding this from his fiance will not give him wants he wants out of a relationship. If he's not going to have what he wants, what's the point in continuing on with it and getting married?

 

What ? I've let this name calling/slandering from people slide enough. Not only does it have everything to do with why he should tell her in your opinion, it's your method to get him to "confess" in conjunction with a vague comment about "open and honest" relationships.

 

You say: " so does that mean the two of you are both from the area you live currently live and that, along with this girl you cheated with, you both have other friends there, including friends who know this girl?"

 

Infering that : "You've said that you know she won't tell your gf, because she's not like that, but the simple fact is that people talk. She may have already told somebody else about what's going on, who could tell somebody else, etc, etc. "

 

Concluding htat: "If you or your gf have people in the same circle of friends, then word is almost bound to get around to her at some point."

 

This is the logic you have given, in fact it's the body of your post and thus your *main* argument but then you have one sentence stating: "I think you should tell her, because it sounds to me like you want an open and honest relationship." which lacked any followup reasoning (I guess you assumed it to be true and why expand on "truth" ). However, I guess this is your personal feelings about relationships (not that I'm saying it's wrong) but doesn't seem to really be the point of your argument? What was that other 90% about? Also this last comment assumes that "open and honest" relationships always have to be ALWAYS open and honest, in that over time it can't become open and honest unless he tells her. I disagree! So regardless of his choices, "open and honest" isn't an option for the near future.

 

ps. I'm not saying you are wrong but I fail to see any argument behind it..

[NYCmitch25]

 

....Well, part of it is that you need to understand why you did it because you need to know if you'll do it again.

 

.....I'm not sure why you're so sure this other girl wouldn't tell - but I don't think the question of whether or not she'd tell is the most important question anyway.

 

... I think the question is, what is the history there between you. I don't so much think it matters what she would do and feel, but it matters quite a lot what you do and feel.

 

 

I don't like the fact that we bring up so much amoral reasoning!

 

He doesn't need to understand why he did it, he needs to really understand that he will *never * ever do it again (he might feel all warm inside figuring out his inner child but it's not neccessary). The reason I say this is that he hasn't illustrated to us that he has a cronic history of cheating. He can feel free to give us more detail.

 

Also, choosing to act out of concern is even less moral because that is almost meaning that he should get away with something when he can. Yes, it is a factor but mainly I'm concerned about her and what is the result of his furthering the mess he got himself into will do to her. I guess seachange is curious about the history you have with this other woman and thus why she is asking how you "know" she won't tell. Personally I don't care.

 

Lastly, if it doesn't matter what she thinks or feels then why are we even having this disscussion?

[NYCmitch25]

I'm not sure if i should explain why i know that the other woman won't tell on me because it might change people's views on stuff and we might get off-topic. the fact is that even if she got completely pissed-off at me she wouldn't use this as revenge. i know her well enough to know that.

 

Secondly, yikes... RecordProducer made a pretty good argument, and now, i'm iffy again.

 

Thirdly, yes, i know that i need to understand why i did it in the first place, and i've been trying to figure that out. there are several possibilities, but none of them seem to be 100% of the cause. maybe it's a combination. But, if i figure out what i did wrong and start to fix it, then what's the point in telling her? if i have an understanding and can fix it completely, then why tell her that? it would be something like:

-"Hey, there's something i have to tell you. i made a big mistake a few months ago and fooled around with a friend. after thinking about it, i realized that i did it because [insert reason here], and i've prevented it from happening again by [insert prevention method here]."

~"ok... so you cheated on me, but you're sure it won't happen again?"

-"completely sure. and i'm very sorry that i did this to us."

yadda yadda yadda

 

so, really... what would be the point?

 

You're "iffy again" ? Funny thing is everyone is wondering why you did it. I'm starting to wonder why you are so torn to want to tell her -- you don't seem like an overly moral or religious person.

 

Tell her you did it because you were lonely and ... oh f-it don't give her a reason, it's not like it's really going to make her feel any better! Maybe you should tell her you have secretly resented her for going away to college and being raised in a dysfunctional household has turned you into a passive agressive, codependant, cheating type. Thus, you picked the worst person to fool around with partly because you knew she had issues and she fed your waining ego. Then when she fights with you about this tell her that you don't like being pressured into doing anything and that you don't want to be just another brick in the wall. Oh but don't worry, huge fights cause your passive agressiveness which on the bright side just means you will be sleeping around before you know it. It's funny to see you even putting off telling her.... Oh btw, pay your credit card, it's over due..

 

Man that inner child is such a pain in the ass.

[crazy_grl]

What ? I've let this name calling/slandering from people slide enough. Not only does it have everything to do with why he should tell her in your opinion, it's your method to get him to "confess" in conjunction with a vague comment about "open and honest" relationships.

 

I was merely pointing out a fact that it appeared he hadn't considered, becauase he made a statement that didn't seem logical to me. Not a scare tactic or a reason. Never gave any advice based on that. If you're seeing something else there, that's all your projection.

 

This is the logic you have given, in fact it's the body of your post and thus your *main* argument

 

It was the longest merely because I felt it required the most explanation, not because it was the main point.

 

but then you have one sentence stating: "I think you should tell her, because it sounds to me like you want an open and honest relationship." which lacked any followup reasoning (I guess you assumed it to be true and why expand on "truth" ).

 

There is no need to expand on that idea, because it's pretty simple. And no I didn't assume it to be the truth. Offering anything to support it would be pointless, since the OP should be able to determine whether that's what he wants or not. If I'm right about what's he wants, then the point stands for itself. If I'm wrong, then there's nothing else to say about it.

 

However, I guess this is your personal feelings about relationships (not that I'm saying it's wrong) but doesn't seem to really be the point of your argument?

 

This is my personal feelings about what the OP has said he wants. I know that it could be projection, which is why there's no need to explain what specifically led me to believe this. The OP knows or can figure out whether it's what he wants or not. There's no need for me to point out to him what specifically he said that brought me to that conclusion.

 

What was that other 90% about?

 

See above.

 

Also this last comment assumes that "open and honest" relationships always have to be ALWAYS open and honest, in that over time it can't become open and honest unless he tells her. I disagree! So regardless of his choices, "open and honest" isn't an option for the near future.

 

Yeah, it doesn't have to be 100% open and honest, nothing ever could be. There are always going to be small things that just aren't said. But hiding major things like cheating is certainly a hindrance toward being open and honest. I fail to see how someone could ever view their relationship as open and honest when they know they're hiding such a major secret from their partner.

 

ps. I'm not saying you are wrong but I fail to see any argument behind it..

 

Wouldn't bother me if you thought I was wrong. Your opinion is yours to have as long as you don't get an attitude while claiming that I said things I didn't say in response to something that wasn't addressed to you.

 

Anway, I'm not mad at you or trying to slander you, but it does seem to me that maybe you're taking this thread a little too personally.

[seachange]

Lastly, if it doesn't matter what she thinks or feels then why are we even having this disscussion?

 

I'm talking about the OW, mitch.

[Evan87]

[i already tried posting this, but nothing ever showed up, so i'm posting again. sorry if there are two copies of the same thing.]

 

my girlfriend and i have been together for two years and two months, and i love her more than anything. when i'm with her, everything just falls right into place and all my worries disappear. it's as if we were meant to find each other. we're engaged and plan on getting married in 2007, and i couldn't be happier about it. my problem, however, is that when my fiancee moved six hours away for college, i suddenly felt lonely, like i needed to have someone there. i made a huge mistake and ended up messing around with a friend (no sex, but fingering and hand jobs involved). this went on for about two or three months, and at the time, i didn't think anything of it since we weren't having sex. then, she came home for a break and i felt the guilt creep into me. i called it off with my friend and we're no longer talking because i realized just how much this would hurt my relationship. right now, i'm sitting here on the verge of tears thinking about what i've done and wishing that i could turn back time and stop myself from being so stupid. what i need input on is this: do i tell her now and risk losing the best thing that's ever happened to me, do i wait a little while until we're planning the wedding to tell her before we jump into a major commitment, or do i keep this a secret and let the guilt eat me alive? i guess i could live with the guilt, but knowing i lied to her, telling her that there was never anyone else, tears me apart. i want to be open and honest, i've always intended to be loyal and dependable, but frankly, i'm scared right now. i'm badly in need of advice.

 

thanks

 

-Zak

 

that's Disgusting. and she deserves to know the truth so she can break up with you.

 

I really don't understand why people say I love her more than anything but i fingered a chick cause i was lonely...you obviously didn't love her more than getting a handjob, dude. that's called being a cheating dick.

[headingfor_doghouse]

I think it's time i told the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. This just got out-of-hand.

 

First of all, if anyone here has anything to say along the lines of mr. "that's disgusting! your'e a cheating dick!", i don't need/want to hear it. i'm aware of the fact that i cheated, but i do love her more than that guy thinks. it wasn't just because i was lonely.

 

Now, to the stuff that would be the big twist in a reality show. I told you guys that i'm a guy because that's "morally acceptable". if i'd told you right off the bat that i'm a lesbian, things probably would've turned to whether homosexuality is right or wrong and the bible and all that other stuff about gay marriage, sidetracking us from the main point. my friend is a guy... a very odd guy. he's been after me from the beginning and my girlfriend never liked that. he likes to play mind games and get people to think things they normally wouldn't think and do things they wouldn't normally do, and i think that's what happened to me. my mistake was letting him come over. oh! that brings me to another point... i'm 16, my girlfriend's 18, and my ex-friend is 15. anyway, i let him come over and we talked, then i'm not even sure how it happened, but he pursuaded me to give him a hand job. i like having the feel of control over someone, and i guess i missed it since my girl was away. he never really did anything to me - i didn't let him. i'm a virgin, and i guess i'm kind of waiting for that right moment with my girlfriend. i'm just not ready yet. yes, he touched me, but i didn't like it one bit and made him stop, but i kept giving him handjobs just for fun. another thing is that he and i both think he'll be alone for the rest of his life (i never tell him that i think the same way he does, but that's nto the point), so i kind of felt pity for him.

 

So that's the story. The truth. Now, let's see if this affects anything.

[seachange]

Far as I'm concerned, whether you're gay, bi or straight doesn't make a bit of difference.

 

But your age sure does. It explains an awful lot.

 

You really want to be engaged at your age??? Why??? I think that the fact that you fooled around with this guy, "for fun", is indicative of the fact that you are not ready for a committed, long-term relationship. With anyone. I couldn't quite make sense of what was going on before, as you may have gathered. But it all makes much more sense now.

 

Sure, you may love her. But there are going to be so many changes in your life, even in the next couple of years. Look, you were already cheating, and then she also suggested having an open relationship - so, why force this premature commitment now, which neither or you is sure you really want anyway??

[crazy_grl]

Cheating is cheating no matter what genders are involved. Like seachange, I don't see how that changes anything, but your ages certainly make a difference. At 16, you're nowhere near ready for marriage. Even at 18, your gf isn't ready. I know there are differences between people's maturity levels, but I don't think I'd be wrong in estimating that *maybe* 1 in a million (possibly billion) people are *truly* ready for a lifetime commitment at that age.

 

Through your actions, both of you have shown that you're not really ready for a commitment. (She wanted an open relationship. You cheated.) Maybe it's best to take the opportunity to explore your options.

 

another thing is that he and i both think he'll be alone for the rest of his life (i never tell him that i think the same way he does, but that's nto the point), so i kind of felt pity for him.

 

He's 15. There's no way either of you could know he's going to be alone for the rest of his life. He's hardly even begun to come into who he is. Ten years from now, the girls might be all over him.

[Walk]

so, why force this premature commitment now, which neither or you is sure you really want anyway??

 

I think it may have something to do with the fact that it isn't socially acceptable for lesbians, or same sex couples to marry, or be together. Not for the whole of society at least. (Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong on any of this.) It would seem easier to defend a relationship with someone you love when you have a legal commitment to that person.

(Can you get married in your state?)

 

I think you do have a better chance of not having your girl leave if you do give her a solid plan for change. You'll have to work hard to rebuild her trust though.

 

From experience, I cheated on an ex and didn't tell him. I probably could've gone forever without saying a word and he wouldn't have known. It ate me up inside. I started hating myself. Hated him. Hated my life. I couldn't live like that anymore. I finally told him, but by that point I had demolished our relationship until it was unsalvagable. Don't do that to yourself. Hell, it got so bad that my hair started falling out. I was physically sick. I would be next to him, and I hated myself.

[Frustrated_in_LA]

OK, doghouse, glad you added details, helps to know. For me though it doesn't change much about whether you should tell her or not as a matter of principle or morality, etc. I still stick with telling her if you want to and not if you don't and that you gotta figure out whether you want to or not by taking a step back and doing some thinking, and I suggested (what I think would be most effective) doing that with the help, guidance and support of someone you have faith in can help you, i.e., a counselor, or something.

 

Have you looked for - are you a member of - any youth LGBT support centers? I didn't have access to any when I was coming out in high school, (I'm a bisexual woman, btw, and while I do sometimes date men, the great loves of my life have been women and I am more involved in the LGBT community than in the straight world- guess we aren't all straight on LS huh?) but my brother did when he was coming out in high school (two of the three of us are queer- you can bet our dad LOVES that). Anyway, his center was really great, staffed with lots of very helpful people. I met them and really wished I'd had that support cuz it was tough in high school. I know sometimes the "community" can be really small - everyone knows everyone, word gets around etc. but I bet if there is one near you you will find confidential counseling available, more than likely for free. If you aren't already linked up with one, try to local colleges- theirs bound to be LGBT groups there and they will more than likely have counselors and mentors available.

 

I'm NOT suggesting you have a problem that needs counseling as if there is something wrong with you or anything like that. ALL I'm saying is that talking some things out with folks who support you and are trained to help you- like a progressive queer youth counselor- can be really useful especially when the situation is as painful and its hard to know what to do (like it seems like it is for you).

 

It sounds like you really love your girl, especially talking about marriage and having made the commitment to be engaged. It also sounds like you are torn up about what you did with your ex-friend. So, the original questions are still there- why'd you do it?

 

 

From your most recent post I'm guessing it wasn't mutual attraction. ;-)

 

Did you think it was cheating? I can see the temptation not to, especially at the time, to think it somehow "doesn't count" - both for you and for him. After I had been dating women exclusively for about 7 years, and started dating guys again, some of the men I dated acted as if our relationship wasn't "real", and, to be totally honest, sometimes I fell into the same trap- that anyway, we're just "dating" it ain't serious and anyway, I'm looking at other women more than he is. So, in sexual activity with them I sometimes felt... detached, powerful... good to have an affect on someone that I wasn't really that into but who was seeking me out sexually (and maybe getting some emotion gratification too?). Anyway, sex is sex regardless of whether you think you're gonna fall for 'em or not.

 

Since you originally posted it describing it as cheating, maybe you don't feel that way, and anyway your girlfriend - since you said she already hates him- WILL consider it cheating - and maybe be hurt more than if it were "straight" cheating- since you did so with a guy- maybe she'll start questioning you about more than just loyalty and about who you are.

 

However she will feel about it, you gotta start with how you feel about it. Whether you should tell her, I think, is a function of what you think you need to do to feel like you are 100% in the relationsip you want to be in. If you somehow rationalized it while it was happening- which, since it went on for a while you must have- what did you tell yourself? About a) why you did it in the first place, b) why you kept doing it, c) how you felt about your girl during this time (angry, resentful, lonely, jealous, secretly powerful, ashamed, etc??) d) why you felt that way, and... a bunch of oher things (this post is getting tooo long- sorry). Then think, under what conditions do you think something like this would/could happen again? How will you respond differently? Why? Do you need to change something about yourself in order for you not to do this again? Do you need to ask your girl to do something different - is there someting you need to ask her for? How are you gonna make sure that you don't betray her again? What's the guarantee- for you? for your girl?

 

Figuring all this out will help you to know whether, in your relationship, for you and for your girl, its right or not for you to tell her and, if so, what it is you need to say.

 

sorry to have gone on so long- I wish you the best of luck. Being a teenager is hard, so is being a lesbian, and so is being in love. You got all three goin' on- I don't envy you.

[Frustrated_in_LA]

If you are interested (and you don't think I'm being too nosy/pushy)

 

http://www.glsenrichmond.org/websites.html

 

http://www.rosmy.org/.

 

there are links to other sites from there.

 

peace.

[seachange]

I think it may have something to do with the fact that it isn't socially acceptable for lesbians, or same sex couples to marry, or be together. Not for the whole of society at least. (Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong on any of this.) It would seem easier to defend a relationship with someone you love when you have a legal commitment to that person.

(Can you get married in your state?)

 

Honestly, Walk, I think this all has a lot more to do with the fact that she's only 16 and is way too young to think about marrying anybody.

 

I'd say the same thing if they were boy/girl, boy/boy or slimy green sea monster/slimy green sea monster.