should i tell her?

[NightsInWhiteSatin]

If you love your fiancee, you'll tell her because that's what love is...it's not about making you happy its about making her happy. You owe it to her to let her know you've cheated before she makes a lifelong commitment to you so she gets to decided whether or not to forgive you before it's too late.

She deserves someone who hasnt and wont cheat on her, don't take that away from her by letting her enter your marriage thinking that you've always been faithful. If i were to enter a marriage and later find out that my husband had cheated on me while we were engaged and allowed me to go through with the wedding without confessing and giving me the choice of whether or not to forgive him i'd hate him and probably divorce him because to me thats a form of entrapment. If you confess before you get married you give HER the choice instead of letting yourself decide for her and keeping it to yourself which is seriously a very wrong thing to do whereas a lifelong commitment is concerned and something i doubt she'd ever forgive you for whereas there is a chance she may forgive you for the cheating as long as you own up before the wedding. Also she will find out one way or another, trust me. My boyfriend confessed to me about cheating on me with my best friend because he was starting to fall in love with me and said he felt so strongly for me that he'd either keep it to himself and end the relationship because it was eating him up inside or confess and let me decide which way we go...and i forgave him...and we're still together 5 months later, it wasnt easy the first month but i dont regret forgiving him at all...so maybe there's a chance for you. Just trust me on this one, look deep down inside yourself....if you truly love her, you'll tell her what happened not just for her sake for yours aswell. good luck.

[seachange]

No? as in "I'm wrong" , I guess I've put you on the defensive, sorry about that.

 

Huh? Er, no (you're wrong! hee. ) - I wasn't feeling defensive at all, mitch. I meant "no" as in, I thought you had misinterpreted me, so I was clarifying that no, I wasn't talking about him scarring her but about the relationship itself being scarred. K? No harm, no foul.

 

This is all true in a sense, however it neglects some important things. One, just because it's tearing him up inside worse than perhaps telling her and dealing with the consequences, doesn't mean he is doing it *for her*. Thus, it again becomes a selfish act at her expense. Two, your assumption is that it's impossible for this to heal on it's own but there are obviously many other instances in the world that disprove that assertion.

 

Well, yes - it would be selfish if we were just talking about clearing his conscience. But what we were talking about was the idea that a guilty conscience, if that's what happens, would percolate through the relationship: that kind of nebulous unease really can create a lot of distance and unhappiness.

 

Three, he didn't sleep with this girl and that should be considered, millions of Bachlor party's have this kind of activity.

 

And millions of soon-to-be-wives would be hopping mad if they found out, because they'd sure consider it cheating, too. Just witness all the folks on here who get ticked off about porn, which doesn't even involve touching. But more importantly, I think the fact that it was his "friend" and that it lasted for months would probably be a helluva lot more threatening than a one-time hookup with a nameless stripper. Not that I'd personally be okay with either - but I'm just sayin'.

 

Fouth, this "other woman" is hated by the gf and thus would make it extra painful out side of the norm of the act. Again, you guys tell me that it's an impossible weight, but maybe that is a good question for him, is it an impossible weight which must involve the gf in the healing process?

 

Well, ultimately of course he has to decide that for himself. I'm not saying my view is the only way on the planet to see it - it's my viewpoint, is all. He's the only one who knows how he's really feeling, and how she might react/feel/think. So I don't know. Distance is also a factor; if she's 6 hours away, perhaps there wouldn't be the opportunity for constant closeness for a while where this stuff would become more apparent. All I can say is, in emotionally close relationships, such as the one I believe he's had with her, deceit takes its toll. In that case, not telling is not an act of nobility to spare her the pain - the damage has already been done, and perhaps the noble thing to do is own up to it.

 

As for your impossible weight question - I agree, it's an important one. Some people do lie with ease (and lying is what he's doing, I'm afraid - the word sounds judgmental, but I'm not sure how else to describe it), but here he is, asking us what to do. So can he hide it forever?

[headingfor_doghouse]

Now, i'm getting mixed ideas again. a lot of you are saying i should tell her, but NYCmitch25 makes some pretty good points. i know that if i tell her, she'll be really really hurt and i have a pretty good chance of losing her. at first, i wanted to risk it and tell her in hopes that the small chance of us being okay would prevail, but now, i'm not so sure. i wish there was a poll option here... how about this: i give everyone here a chance to vote. if by January 1, 2006, most people say that i should tell her, i will. if not, i won't.

 

 

should i confess?

 

-yes

-no

[slubberdegullion]

if by January 1, 2006, most people say that i should tell her, i will. if not, i won't.

 

should i confess?

 

-yes

-no

Oh no you don't. You're not going to let a cluster of LSers take the blame - or credit - for something that's your own doing.

 

Look, the simple fact is that if you don't say anything, she will eventually find out anyway. Wimmen do this. I have no idea how.

 

So grow some stones, 'fess up, expect the worst but hope for the best. And don't abrogate your responsibility to yourself, her, or your relationship.

[seachange]

^^^

 

Cosign with slubber. I was just getting on here to post that very same thing.

[makaze]

I don't get the people who think it's selfish to tell someone you cheated. It doesn't matter if it relieves your guilt or not or whether you have it in the first place, what matters is that your SO has the right to now and should know what kind of person you are. It's just downright not fair towards that person when she is with you thinking you're oh so wonderful and that you're someone you're not. The fact that someone is "sure" it won't happen again is no excuse not to tell- it's not your decision to make. People get hurt all the time, it's a risk you make when being in a relationship- if you're so worried about hurting your SO then try to keep your pants on while with other girls, it's quite simple. It's never selfish to tell the truth.

[NYCmitch25]

Huh? Er, no (you're wrong! hee. ) - I wasn't feeling defensive at all, mitch. I meant "no" as in, I thought you had misinterpreted me, so I was clarifying that no, I wasn't talking about him scarring her but about the relationship itself being scarred. K? No harm, no foul.

 

 

 

Well, yes - it would be selfish if we were just talking about clearing his conscience. But what we were talking about was the idea that a guilty conscience, if that's what happens, would percolate through the relationship: that kind of nebulous unease really can create a lot of distance and unhappiness.

 

 

 

And millions of soon-to-be-wives would be hopping mad if they found out, because they'd sure consider it cheating, too. Just witness all the folks on here who get ticked off about porn, which doesn't even involve touching. But more importantly, I think the fact that it was his "friend" and that it lasted for months would probably be a helluva lot more threatening than a one-time hookup with a nameless stripper. Not that I'd personally be okay with either - but I'm just sayin'.

 

 

 

Well, ultimately of course he has to decide that for himself. I'm not saying my view is the only way on the planet to see it - it's my viewpoint, is all. He's the only one who knows how he's really feeling, and how she might react/feel/think. So I don't know. Distance is also a factor; if she's 6 hours away, perhaps there wouldn't be the opportunity for constant closeness for a while where this stuff would become more apparent. All I can say is, in emotionally close relationships, such as the one I believe he's had with her, deceit takes its toll. In that case, not telling is not an act of nobility to spare her the pain - the damage has already been done, and perhaps the noble thing to do is own up to it.

 

As for your impossible weight question - I agree, it's an important one. Some people do lie with ease (and lying is what he's doing, I'm afraid - the word sounds judgmental, but I'm not sure how else to describe it), but here he is, asking us what to do. So can he hide it forever?

 

You make some great points and I agree with much of it. However, the comments that "woman always finds out" or "it's impossible to go on without telling her" is really disengenuous. Thats because It's conjecture, and it's based on your morality, not his. He has to decide if it's an unbearable weight or not and he is seemingly not picking up on our subtile hints to do so. Moreover, what does mean for him to deal with this himself or involve her?

 

In a sense I'm asking him to play morality god and decide what his intentions are in telling her, perhaps it's a subconcious way for him to say he isn't ready for marriage or perhaps so *he* can feel better or perhaps he is deeply religious and feels the marriage will be "tainted"? I guess not only that, I attempt to "eliminate" the major reason raised to what seems tangable to believe from his comments. In short, I question them, and in the end game I htink she *will* forgive him but not after suffering though this and I wonder if this will make them stronger, and if so would that infer that relationships that don't have this "moral quandry" inferior? I would like to know the gains of him confessing or if that is even important when talking about morality? According to many philosphers, humans *only* do things to seek pleasure, so pleasure does he get out of this?

[NYCmitch25]

Now, i'm getting mixed ideas again. a lot of you are saying i should tell her, but NYCmitch25 makes some pretty good points. i know that if i tell her, she'll be really really hurt and i have a pretty good chance of losing her. at first, i wanted to risk it and tell her in hopes that the small chance of us being okay would prevail, but now, i'm not so sure. i wish there was a poll option here... how about this: i give everyone here a chance to vote. if by January 1, 2006, most people say that i should tell her, i will. if not, i won't.

 

 

should i confess?

 

-yes

-no

 

I've never said that you are going ot lose her, I htink you are going to hurt her badly and I question your motives but the end result is that your situation won't change all that much. Moreover, these people who profess you have "scars" don't mention the fact that you could potentially inflict them on her which could infect a good marriage. The fact that you have a voting system seems strange, seems that morality isn't much of the issue or perhaps you are conflicted about it all...

[seachange]

You make some great points and I agree with much of it. However, the comments that "woman always finds out" or "it's impossible to go on without telling her" is really disengenuous.

 

I didn't actually say either of those things, though, so I think it's a little rich to call me disingenuous. I'm not one of the people saying "a woman always knows if a man's cheating". I just think that the level of guilt he was describing feeling suggests it'll be hard for him to conceal what happened indefinitely, and if it comes out later, it'll be exponentially worse.

 

Thats because It's conjecture, and it's based on your morality, not his. He has to decide if it's an unbearable weight or not and he is seemingly not picking up on our subtile hints to do so. Moreover, what does mean for him to deal with this himself or involve her?

 

In a sense I'm asking him to play morality god and decide what his intentions are in telling her, perhaps it's a subconcious way for him to say he isn't ready for marriage or perhaps so *he* can feel better or perhaps he is deeply religious and feels the marriage will be "tainted"? I guess not only that, I attempt to "eliminate" the major reason raised to what seems tangable to believe from his comments. In short, I question them, and in the end game I htink she *will* forgive him but not after suffering though this and I wonder if this will make them stronger, and if so would that infer that relationships that don't have this "moral quandry" inferior? I would like to know the gains of him confessing or if that is even important when talking about morality? According to many philosphers, humans *only* do things to seek pleasure, so pleasure does he get out of this?

 

Not sure when morality entered the picture? Did I speak of morality? I spoke of the weight that deceit places on a relationship - that's not a question of good vs. evil in any way. I'm not sure why I'm being consistently misconstrued here. Perhaps I am not explaining myself well. But regardless, I completely agree with you that he has to decide what he can and can't live with. I am also looking at his own words, however, and stating that based on what he has already said, the prognosis doesn't look good to me that he can just conceal indefinitely, nor that, ultimately, he would even want to, based on what he has said he wants in a relationship. See?

 

As for the "gains" of him confessing - again, I don't think it's an abstract question of morality. I'm talking about a specific case of love and a specific type of relationship that he says he wants. There will be a wedge due to the fact that he did cheat, regardless. The question is, what to do about it. I think that in relationships where a partner cheated and they didn't confess, there is indeed likely to be a place of distance that doesn't exist in relationships where trust is more complete and those kinds of secrets don't exist. Is that morality? I think it's reality, myself.

 

Hm, now I *am* getting annoyed.

[NYCmitch25]

I don't get the people who think it's selfish to tell someone you cheated. It doesn't matter if it relieves your guilt or not or whether you have it in the first place, what matters is that your SO has the right to now and should know what kind of person you are. It's just downright not fair towards that person when she is with you thinking you're oh so wonderful and that you're someone you're not. The fact that someone is "sure" it won't happen again is no excuse not to tell- it's not your decision to make. People get hurt all the time, it's a risk you make when being in a relationship- if you're so worried about hurting your SO then try to keep your pants on while with other girls, it's quite simple. It's never selfish to tell the truth.

 

Every action has a reaction, think about that angle as well. I googled this just now, of course there are a lot of opinions and just becuase this person has a "Dr." in their title, doesn't mean they know best... Anyway, they agree with my point of view in a sense....

 

To Confess or Not to Confess?

 

Which brings us to another point: Should you confess? In general, it's best to be honest, but our experts agree that there are circumstances when a spouse can spare his or her partner that information. "If a spouse has been suspicious and confronts him, he should confess," says Glass. "But if the spouse has no idea, and the betrayer takes responsibility for working it out on his own, he sometimes doesn't have to cause that kind of chaos," says Glass.

 

But once a confession is made, Glass says, absolute full disclosure is essential, and the cheater should own up to all affairs that have occurred during the relationship.

 

Nancy Glass, PhD, author of Not "Just Friends": Protect Your Relationship From Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal (Free Press, 2002).

[slubberdegullion]

To Confess or Not to Confess?

 

Which brings us to another point: Should you confess? In general, it's best to be honest, but our experts agree that there are circumstances when a spouse can spare his or her partner that information. "If a spouse has been suspicious and confronts him, he should confess," says Glass. "But if the spouse has no idea, and the betrayer takes responsibility for working it out on his own, he sometimes doesn't have to cause that kind of chaos," says Glass.

 

But once a confession is made, Glass says, absolute full disclosure is essential, and the cheater should own up to all affairs that have occurred during the relationship.

 

Nancy Glass, PhD, author of Not "Just Friends": Protect Your Relationship From Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal (Free Press, 2002).

Ya know, this Glass person may be onto something. I'm starting to reconsider my position. Maybe honesty is not always the best policy.

[headingfor_doghouse]

Oh no you don't. You're not going to let a cluster of LSers take the blame - or credit - for something that's your own doing.

 

i didn't intend on anyone taking blame or credit, i'm just trying to straighten things out because there are different views on this. i was trying to make it simpler.

The Nancy Glass quote makes a point, but i'm still split down the middle. Half of me says tell her because a relationship cannot thrive without truth and trust, but the other half says that if i don't tell her, she and i can go on and live happily - the theory of "what she doesn't know won't hurt her".

[makaze]

Every action has a reaction, think about that angle as well. I googled this just now, of course there are a lot of opinions and just becuase this person has a "Dr." in their title, doesn't mean they know best... Anyway, they agree with my point of view in a sense....

 

To Confess or Not to Confess?

 

Which brings us to another point: Should you confess? In general, it's best to be honest, but our experts agree that there are circumstances when a spouse can spare his or her partner that information. "If a spouse has been suspicious and confronts him, he should confess," says Glass. "But if the spouse has no idea, and the betrayer takes responsibility for working it out on his own, he sometimes doesn't have to cause that kind of chaos," says Glass.

 

But once a confession is made, Glass says, absolute full disclosure is essential, and the cheater should own up to all affairs that have occurred during the relationship.

 

Nancy Glass, PhD, author of Not "Just Friends": Protect Your Relationship From Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal (Free Press, 2002).

 

I completely understand the benefits and this point of view. Nevertheless, it will always sound rubbish to me. It's like not telling someone they have HIV, because they 'should be happy until they die and they might die and never know'. These are things people want and need to know so they can decide what to do about it, and not have someone 'protect' them from the truth. What's worse than living a lie.

[slubberdegullion]

What's worse than living a lie.

Living with someone who's living a lie.

[makaze]

That someone then has to do something about it.

 

Edit: sorry I thought you were the original poster.

[NYCmitch25]

Not sure when morality entered the picture? Did I speak of morality? I spoke of the weight that deceit places on a relationship - that's not a question of good vs. evil in any way. I'm not sure why I'm being consistently misconstrued here. Perhaps I am not explaining myself well. But regardless, I completely agree with you that he has to decide what he can and can't live with. I am also looking at his own words, however, and stating that based on what he has already said, the prognosis doesn't look good to me that he can just conceal indefinitely, nor that, ultimately, he would even want to, based on what he has said he wants in a relationship. See?

 

As for the "gains" of him confessing - again, I don't think it's an abstract question of morality. I'm talking about a specific case of love and a specific type of relationship that he says he wants. There will be a wedge due to the fact that he did cheat, regardless. The question is, what to do about it. I think that in relationships where a partner cheated and they didn't confess, there is indeed likely to be a place of distance that doesn't exist in relationships where trust is more complete and those kinds of secrets don't exist. Is that morality? I think it's reality, myself.

 

Hm, now I *am* getting annoyed.

 

 

"woman always finds out"

 

slubberdegullion: "Keep your mouth shut and she'll find out eventually, because wimmen have some sort of built-in radar about this stuff"

seachange: "I think, the truth does tend to come out, one way or another."

Drea: "She will find out!"

slubber+ seachange:"she will eventually find out anyway. Wimmen do this. I have no idea how.""Cosign with slubber. I was just getting on here to post that very same thing."

 

 

"it's impossible to go on without telling her"

 

seachange: ou already sort of scarred the wonderful relationship. Not trying to kick you when you're down, but pretending it didn't happen and shoving it under the rug doesn't mean it didn't."

 

Drea: " he has a guilt, and that is not something he should carry and expect to go away."

Drea+seachange: "He's torn, he's confused, which mean he WILL act differently around her, all because he'll be trying to ACT normal, do you get what I mean? " ... "Wow, Drea, get out of my head. That's pretty much exactly what I was trying to say."

seachange: "he continues to wonder and he continues to evade and all of it just could drive them further apart = invisible tendrils."

 

 

Not only are your agruments deeply seeded in morality, they are obviously required in order for his feeling guilt which will "form a wedge" in the relationship. Basically if I understand you correctly, it's inevitable, guilt comes from the feeling of regret, and thus festering regret will inevitablly boil over and inflict damage ("since it already 'exists' from his actions already") (your words). Thus morality (i.e. Christian sexual morality) is neccessary for this point of view.

 

However, it *is* a good argument, but not an envitable one. We don't know if these actions going to inhibit daily actions and realtionship(s). Moreover, there are numerous counter examples of people normally living out their lives in this way. Generally I disagree with your opinions and feel that something like murder or infidelity inside marriage would trigger dehabilitating regret due to American social norms. It's interesting where guilt comes from, in terms of human evolution many 'philosphers' feel it served as a way to keep tribal members from being too greedy and facing retaliation from the group; perhaps guilt like this keeps people from continuing to cheat and conversely results in forming a stronger realtionship (or pair-bond). After all, those who do not regret these actions will only continue them -- and face retaliation by eventually getting caught.

[seachange]

"woman always finds out"

 

slubberdegullion: "Keep your mouth shut and she'll find out eventually, because wimmen have some sort of built-in radar about this stuff"

seachange: "I think, the truth does tend to come out, one way or another."

Drea: "She will find out!"

slubber+ seachange:"she will eventually find out anyway. Wimmen do this. I have no idea how.""Cosign with slubber. I was just getting on here to post that very same thing."

 

= about the fact that he SHOULDN"T ASK US TO DECIDE FOR HIM. Oy vey, mitch, stop trying to slam an opinion down my throat that I haven't expressed!!! :mad:

 

 

"it's impossible to go on without telling her"

 

seachange: ou already sort of scarred the wonderful relationship. Not trying to kick you when you're down, but pretending it didn't happen and shoving it under the rug doesn't mean it didn't."

 

Drea: " he has a guilt, and that is not something he should carry and expect to go away."

Drea+seachange: "He's torn, he's confused, which mean he WILL act differently around her, all because he'll be trying to ACT normal, do you get what I mean? " ... "Wow, Drea, get out of my head. That's pretty much exactly what I was trying to say."

seachange: "he continues to wonder and he continues to evade and all of it just could drive them further apart = invisible tendrils."

 

There. Exactly.

 

Argh. Mitch, my arguments about "the truth comes out" are not because I think "wimmen" or whatever are so damn good at ferreting out truth because you can't hide it from them, but because he's already feeling guilty...which makes it less likely he can hide it forever. Geez. How many times do I have to say that???

 

Not only are your agruments deeply seeded in morality, they are obviously required in order for his feeling guilt which will "form a wedge" in the relationship. Basically if I understand you correctly, it's inevitable, guilt comes from the feeling of regret, and thus festering regret will inevitablly boil over and inflict damage ("since it already 'exists' from his actions already") (your words). Thus morality (i.e. Christian sexual morality) is neccessary for this point of view.

 

Yes, I think festering regret inflicts damage. It already has. He's here, he said he feels like crying from the guilt. Look, I don't know, maybe you've got no experience seeing this sort of thing in action. I do. I've lived through what it's like to live with a guilty person. I've also seen it in friends who were guilty, and what it did to their relationships. It's not pretty. I am arguing from a position of SEEING WHAT IT DOES TO PEOPLE, not from a position that it's right or wrong or anywhere in between.

 

Stop shoving your moralistic opinions down my throat, mitch. You're making a lot of interesting abstract and philosophical arguments against things I haven't actually said.

 

The question here has never been whether we're condoning his earlier actions. No one is, so it's irrelevant. What I am concerned with is the health of the man's relationship, and I am arguing from a concrete standpoint that these things HURT RELATIONSHIPS. In a highly PRACTICAL sense. I've seen it happen, and I'm telling him so.

 

Yes, in the interest of full disclosure - what I'm talking about are examples only - they're concrete, but they're a small sampling of the general population. I can't speak for the American people as a whole, in terms of successful secrets impacting successful relationships. Certainly you can find examples where the WS has successfully kept it secret. And that is where your tough decision comes in, Zak: you don't know what will happen. But don't be too swayed by abstract sociological arguments, either, because they also don't offer guarantees.

 

By the way, if you want to know what kind of fallout can occur when people find out this stuff years later, do a search through the infidelity forums. It's pretty ugly - the BS tends to revisit YEARS of lying and wonders what else was lied about. They question everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. Those also are concrete examples. Not morality. Not sociology. People who got really really hurt by years of lying and can't figure out where it ends.

 

Sure, it might not happen. But it also might. Given a choice between short hurt now and long hurt later, the risks are far smaller now. That's not a moralistic argument.

[Drea]

Let me ask you a question. As you've noticed all your really getting from these replies is a harder decision to make. So instead I'll ask you a simple question. How would you like to continue this relationship through marriage, with complete honesty, or shadowed by lies? In the end YOU'RE going to be lying in the bed YOU'VE made, not any one of us, so you have to do what you're comfortable with and can live with. One more thing, as I've learned even the women who have all the faith in the world in their partner, if in a LDR will have at least a small vulnerability towards them. So if she even hears a hint of you cheating, whether it's through someone she hates etc. doesn't matter because a small seed will be planted in her head. Plus if you're showing even the smallest amount of guilt she may latch onto that. Did you not say something like the person you cheated (yes, no matter what anyone else says it was cheating by all means!) on your girl with hated eachother? Women can be very vicious I'll warn you, so I hope you can honestly trust her!

[headingfor_doghouse]

i'd rather go through with this marriage with no secrets, no lies, just open honesty. i'm just not sure if i'd be comfortable with burdening her with this stupid mistake that i'll never make again if it's going to lead her to mistrust me for the rest of my life. Our LDR has just started in August, so i'm not sure if i have a feel for the "vulnerability". Sure, i'm worried that she might find someone else, but i trust her, and i hope she trusts me. In fact, back in early October, she suggested we see other people because she couldn't handle being so far away from me. Needless to say, i was heartbroken and let her know, and we worked things out. the trust between us was lost a little, but regained very quickly. now, with what i've done, i'm pretty sure that her trust in me won't come back as easily as my trust for her. i hate not having trust amongst friends, let alone with someone i intend to spend the rest of my life with. with the other woman, i know she'll keep things quiet. she's not the revengeful type or the kind to tell anyone anything. i'd have to do something pretty horrible to her in order for her to tell my fiancee.

[reddog63]

"But if the spouse has no idea, and the betrayer takes responsibility for working it out on his own, he sometimes doesn't have to cause that kind of chaos," says Glass.

 

 

Thats the way I see it.............and I dont even have a PHD.

[seachange]

Okay, I guess I'm not clear on the timeline of events...

 

So, your LDR started in August, you began (almost right away?) to feel lonely, you had a 2-3 month relationship (September - November?) with another woman (which must have just ended, when your fiancee came home??) and then her return home prompted you into feelings of guilt, which led you here. And somewhere in the middle of that, your fiancee suggested you see other people (which you already were? or had that started yet? why were you heartbroken and needing her to regain your trust if you already were fooling around with the other woman?)

 

I'm confused...

 

Or, wait - did the fooling around start because of your fiancee's statement about seeing other people, even though you had talked it out?

 

Because that brings me back to this:

 

Here's the problem, Zak. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say the reason you did it in the first place was to get back at her for going away. (i.e. you "felt lonely and needed someone there"...)

 

Maybe you weren't entirely conscious of it, but my guess is that you felt no guilt about it at first (and possibly even justified it a bit in your mind by wondering if she's up to no good 6 hours away?) because you were angry and hurt. Then she came home and you realized, oops, she's still into me and I just majorly fu(ked up.

 

And if that's the case - there's definitely some talking that needs to take place. Whether or not you decide to tell her what you did...if this is the action/reaction chain of events that occurred, you guys need to sort that out, and soon, since she'll be gone for a good while longer.

[NYCmitch25]

Sure, it might not happen. But it also might. Given a choice between short hurt now and long hurt later, the risks are far smaller now. That's not a moralistic argument.

 

EXCELLENT point! I like the more pragmatic approach to this, he should consider it as well. About the other stuff you said, I still think you were leaning in the direction I concluded but surely I'll take your word for it if you meant something else.

[headingfor_doghouse]

Ok, let me break down the timeline for you...

 

Early August - my girl leaves

Late August - my fling begins

Mid October - my fling ends

A week later - my girl returns

A week after that - she leaves again

about two or three weeks ago - i realized my guilt

[Frustrated_in_LA]

Zak- it sounds like you are carrying a lot of guilt- too much. Go to a counselor, figure out why you did it (i.e., what the underlying problem is) make a plan to fix that (and actually start working on it), and also figure out what you are going to say to your stb wife or stb ex, and tell her. Do not, i repeat, do not just blurt it out with no explanation, but also don't tell her some excuses, reasons, and promises that you aren't already backing up with real action. This is going to put a huge strain on your relationship- she may break it off and that might be best for her, if not for you. But you gotta face this either way- you have a huge problem and you have to deal wth it. Your only choice is how- but its clear that its enough of a probelm that you should tell her, you just have to figure out first what your going to do about it and be willing and ready for her to do what she's going to do about it. Its up to her to forgive you, but its up to you to deal with the problem you created, regardless of what she does. Take responsibility first, then tell her.

[headingfor_doghouse]

A counselor? I'm not sure if i should see one... sure, i've got problems, but a lot of people have problems. i just don't see this as one of those things that a counselor could help or fix... Everything else you said makes perfect sense, and i'm highly considering doing that... i just don't really know what to say. should i ease her into it a lot or a little? should i warn her ahead of time? i already have an idea of when to tell her, but should i start with something like "there's something i need to tell you" or the four most dreaded words, "we need to talk"?