should i tell her?

[headingfor_doghouse]

[i already tried posting this, but nothing ever showed up, so i'm posting again. sorry if there are two copies of the same thing.]

 

my girlfriend and i have been together for two years and two months, and i love her more than anything. when i'm with her, everything just falls right into place and all my worries disappear. it's as if we were meant to find each other. we're engaged and plan on getting married in 2007, and i couldn't be happier about it. my problem, however, is that when my fiancee moved six hours away for college, i suddenly felt lonely, like i needed to have someone there. i made a huge mistake and ended up messing around with a friend (no sex, but fingering and hand jobs involved). this went on for about two or three months, and at the time, i didn't think anything of it since we weren't having sex. then, she came home for a break and i felt the guilt creep into me. i called it off with my friend and we're no longer talking because i realized just how much this would hurt my relationship. right now, i'm sitting here on the verge of tears thinking about what i've done and wishing that i could turn back time and stop myself from being so stupid. what i need input on is this: do i tell her now and risk losing the best thing that's ever happened to me, do i wait a little while until we're planning the wedding to tell her before we jump into a major commitment, or do i keep this a secret and let the guilt eat me alive? i guess i could live with the guilt, but knowing i lied to her, telling her that there was never anyone else, tears me apart. i want to be open and honest, i've always intended to be loyal and dependable, but frankly, i'm scared right now. i'm badly in need of advice.

 

thanks

 

-Zak

[slubberdegullion]

Zak, dude, that's what happens when the little head does the thinking.

 

OK, so your options are:

1. Keep your mouth shut and she'll find out eventually, because wimmen have some sort of built-in radar about this stuff;
   
2. Tell her now;
   
3. Tell her once wedding plans are underway.

 

Common sense says it has to be Door #2.

 

If she finds out on her own, you'll definitely lose her, not just because you got your stones off with another chick, but because you hid it.

 

If you tell her once the wedding plans are underway, that's a form of emotional extortion and is both cruel and manipulative.

 

So tell her the truth. And expect the worst.

 

Good luck.

[seachange]

my problem, however, is that when my fiancee moved six hours away for college, i suddenly felt lonely, like i needed to have someone there. i made a huge mistake and ended up messing around with a friend (no sex, but fingering and hand jobs involved). this went on for about two or three months, and at the time, i didn't think anything of it since we weren't having sex. then, she came home for a break and i felt the guilt creep into me. i called it off with my friend and we're no longer talking because i realized just how much this would hurt my relationship.

 

Here's the problem, Zak. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say the reason you did it in the first place was to get back at her for going away. (i.e. you "felt lonely and needed someone there"...)

 

Maybe you weren't entirely conscious of it, but my guess is that you felt no guilt about it at first (and possibly even justified it a bit in your mind by wondering if she's up to no good 6 hours away?) because you were angry and hurt. Then she came home and you realized, oops, she's still into me and I just majorly fu(ked up.

 

So...what to do now? Slub's right on with your options for telling her.

 

But I'd add that you might want to think a little more about why you did it in the first place, because "I just screwed up, honey...for 2-3 months" isn't going to help matters much. She's still in school, right? That's a long way to go...are you going to let the separation get to you again?

[headingfor_doghouse]

Thanks for the advice, guys. I only wish that this was one of the things I could just slink away from and not give a second thought to. Seachange, I'm not even sure why I did it. Maybe it was retaliation for her going off to college so far away, but something tells me that's not it. I'm thinking that maybe a part of me wants to try a little of everything before settling down, but the rest of me is fighting it because I know she's the one.

 

Are you guys sure I should tell her? If so, then how would i do it? A letter? Face-to-face? Wearing a helmet, steel chest plate, and a titanium cup?

 

I feel so lost right now...

[slubberdegullion]

Grow some stones, my friend. Face to face. Just you and her.

 

Yes, a titanium cup may be a good idea. Check ebay.

[headingfor_doghouse]

I was afraid you might say that :-\ . At least i have time to think about it before i see her next.

 

Wish me luck.

[seachange]

Definitely face-to-face. And just a tip - I may have been way off in my guess, but she's going to want some kind of a reason that will a. ring true; and b. be in the past - in other words, won't ever be an issue again.

[headingfor_doghouse]

it definitely won't be an issue again. looking back on it now, i can't believe how stupid i was to cheat in the first place.

[cplfun13]

It may not seem like it, but you fessing up to her will weight in your favor now and down the road.

It hurts more to find out from someone else and makes the crime 10X worse because you hid it.

I have been in both scenarios before and when my ex came to me and told me what he did, I had to give him a little credit for doing it and trying to mend things. Granted he did it a few years down the road again, and this time I got blind sided by the news on an accident. It was so much worse.

[headingfor_doghouse]

i know it should hurt less now than if i told her years down the road, but the thing that's getting to me is that i'll be hurting her for the first time, and i'm afraid that it'll scar a wonderful relationship... but i guess i have to keep reminding myself that it's always better to tell the truth.

[Drea]

Although I hadn't cheated, it felt very much like I had, also knowing my now husband who was only a boyfriend at the time still considered us together, even though I broke it off. I didn't want to break up understand, yet there were issues of his drug problem I couldn't handle anymore, and had to get out. Besides going on his little tweeker trips my husband was a great man when he was around (which made his drug problem for me harder to leave him.)We both had a mutual friend ones who actually introduced us. Aarron was a man, or weasle rather. He got obsessed with me and I took advantage. I hadn't wanted to leave my man, yet I knew I had to. I used Aarron in a way to try and make it impossible for me to go back to my now husband. In other words I felt too weak to leave him but wanted to cause a problem that would make it where we wouldn't get back together once more. So our "friend came over one day and I used him by playing touchy feely (although I felt too sick to my stomach to let him touch me down there.) Finally I felt too gross about the whole thing and to get him off my back faster I gave him a hand job to get him to leave. I wasn't going to tell me my partner, because Aarron made me realize just how much I really was still in-love with my man. But the guilt ate at me, and when he got back from his tweeker trip I spilt my guts and told him. He wanted to leave me, or rather not get back together, but we did and we got passed it. I stuck by him, I stopped trying to get him to clean up, and let him know that I'll always be there for him, that he wasn't alone and I love him. Now we're married, having a couple problems with him playing with porno solo, but I'm still in-love with him. He's clean and we now have a beautiful baby girl. It's almost like a happy ending, as close as reality will get anyway. But the part that was like WOW I got lucky, was when Aarron got mad because he wanted me, and told my boyfriend what had happened on the day I admitted what I had done. If I hadn't of told him when I had we wouldn't be married today, because he heard about it from someone else hours after I told him. Advice, don't make excusses, it'll piss her off. Don't say you don't know why you did it, or use you were lonely, because she still lives six hours away, and if you don't know why you did it, or because you are lonely, what will honestly stop you from doing it again. Also a big NO NO would be trying to make it less of a deal by saying at least you hadn't actually had sex, that'll offend and hurt her more. I'm not saying don't tell there wasn't actually sex involved, just don't try and make it seem not as big of a deal because of it, because either way cheating is cheating whether sex is involved or not.

 

PS

My husband said he was close to not coming back, but because I was so honest so quickly and he was still in-love with me was a plus for me.

[NYCmitch25]

Thanks for the advice, guys. I only wish that this was one of the things I could just slink away from and not give a second thought to. Seachange, I'm not even sure why I did it. Maybe it was retaliation for her going off to college so far away, but something tells me that's not it. I'm thinking that maybe a part of me wants to try a little of everything before settling down, but the rest of me is fighting it because I know she's the one.

 

Are you guys sure I should tell her? If so, then how would i do it? A letter? Face-to-face? Wearing a helmet, steel chest plate, and a titanium cup?

 

I feel so lost right now...

 

 

Man, wow, thats a tough one. Honestly these things happen quite often with long distance relationships (not that it's ok) ... Everyone thinks that they want to know about these things when they happen behind their backs but what good would ever come of it? I guess there are two camps of thought here, "Dr. Laura" (remember her?) camp which feels that this extreme pain has nothing good to come of it and the "Well, I would want to know" camp which doesn't ever think ignorance is bliss.

 

Is this friend of yours, a "good" friend of hers too? Can you tell this other girl you messed up and you wish for her to never speak of it? I think if you tell her you should do it with the assumption that the relationship will end. However, since she would probably forgive you and still get married.... actually think that you probably shouldn't.. Are you religious ? confession?

[headingfor_doghouse]

NYCmitch25, my fiancee hates my "friend" (who's actually closer to ex-friend), and my "ex-friend" knows not to breathe a word about it to anyone. I'm not religious, and this is the first time i've ever had to confess anything. i didn't know if i could turn to any friends, so i thought i'd do it online anonymously.

 

I'm not sure what i should do because so many people say that i should, but there's a part of me that's saying what you're saying: don't. I guess i'll give it some thought and some time. She's not going to be back in town for another while, so i have some time to think about it.

[Drea]

Honest advice from a female who has also been cheated on. She will find out! There are no and's if's or but's, believe me! Do you think your ex friend hasn't talked to others about you and her? You would be very naive to think otherwise! Another advice take a 6 hour trip to be honest with her, big + points believe me!

[headingfor_doghouse]

well, if my ex-friend were to tell anyone and the word got to my fiancee, she probably won't believe the source because of her extreme hatred for my ex-friend. i'd take a trip there, but i just totalled my car and haven't gotten another one yet. if i had one, i'd definitely go to see her.

[NYCmitch25]

NYCmitch25, my fiancee hates my "friend" (who's actually closer to ex-friend), and my "ex-friend" knows not to breathe a word about it to anyone. I'm not religious, and this is the first time i've ever had to confess anything. i didn't know if i could turn to any friends, so i thought i'd do it online anonymously.

 

I'm not sure what i should do because so many people say that i should, but there's a part of me that's saying what you're saying: don't. I guess i'll give it some thought and some time. She's not going to be back in town for another while, so i have some time to think about it.

 

First off, I want to say that I consider myself generally a moral and honest person, mainly because I've had a very traditional upbringing.

 

So hypothetically, would you really want to know about your SO's cheating if you had the chance? (However, you might potentially get it anyway if you spill the beans to her about this!) That is a rhetorical question because of course you would want to know because it intrinsic in everyone to pick 'truth' over ingnorance. It's kind of like driving past a bad car accident and you feel you *have* to look. That is the problem though, there is no gain from doing it, just as there is no gain in telling her about something that is only going to only bring pain and mistrust. Is there? Some studies have found that Marriages become stronger after a husband/wife has cheated. Desipite these claims, if I were in your position I would tell her and perhaps break up or forget the whole thing had happened. The main thing is that you don't ever ever ever do it again IMO.

[travellingman]

When I was in my 20s, I knew quite a few people who kissed random people and had minor flings while engaged. Not sure I'd tell, although next time you feel lonley, I suggest discovering the joy of masturbation. Really saves a lot of bad things from happening.

[seachange]

i know it should hurt less now than if i told her years down the road, but the thing that's getting to me is that i'll be hurting her for the first time, and i'm afraid that it'll scar a wonderful relationship... but i guess i have to keep reminding myself that it's always better to tell the truth.

 

I hear you, doghouse - but I guess the thing is, you already sort of scarred the wonderful relationship. Not trying to kick you when you're down, but pretending it didn't happen and shoving it under the rug doesn't mean it didn't. That kind of action has invisible tendrils that dig into cracks and create fractures - and you may not even be aware of them until much later.

 

And generally, I think, the truth does tend to come out, one way or another.

[NYCmitch25]

I hear you, doghouse - but I guess the thing is, you already sort of scarred the wonderful relationship. Not trying to kick you when you're down, but pretending it didn't happen and shoving it under the rug doesn't mean it didn't. That kind of action has invisible tendrils that dig into cracks and create fractures - and you may not even be aware of them until much later.

 

And generally, I think, the truth does tend to come out, one way or another.

 

Describe how this postively plays out in a relationship? How ensuring that she is scarred helps? Also, describe how the confession acts to prevent "the invisible tendrils"?

[Drea]

NYC the thing is, is that he is abviously already torn about this, and whether she realizes it yet he has a guilt, and that is not something he should carry and expect to go away. When I messed around with another man, as I explained earlier in this, I wasn't with my now husband anymore, but before we got back togther I had to get the guilt of it off my chest. Do you not think his girl is going to notice a difference in him? He's torn, he's confused, which mean he WILL act differently around her, all because he'll be trying to ACT normal, do you get what I mean? Not only say there is a possibility that she wont find out, is that a chance he wants to take? Because when that happens everything will go to hell. Maybe it will take that same day of finding out, or years down the road. She may not even realize she holds a resentment and destroy them. I had done that with one of my ex's too. I was cheated on, he hadn't told me, I found out, confronted him yest stayed together. It took awhile but it ended in a bitter heartbreak where I stayed out of any type of relationship/sex for just over 3 years until I met my now husband. Believe me, tell your girl, let her know. Maybe things wont work out, but at least you can say you never lied to her. If things don't work out, which is possible, I've learned everything happens for a reason so maybe it wasn't ment to be. An example is when I was changing jobs. I got denied the one I wanted that was closer to where I was already living, and "settled" with the one that was up North in Cal where I met my husband. Also I would never had tried to make as strong as an effort as I did with my husband to help him out of his drug problem had I not gotten pregnent, which was a complete accident since I was faithfully taking the pills correctly. But the man who before my husband who cheated on me, I thought we would always be and grow old together etc etc etc. Do you understand? I honestly wish you the best of luck, but take it from me who knows more about therapy then I even wish to. (not that it helps me ever, even when I know what needs to be done when it comes to myself, 'cause I never follow it because I'm too close to the picture when it comes to me!)

[seachange]

NYC the thing is, is that he is abviously already torn about this, and whether she realizes it yet he has a guilt, and that is not something he should carry and expect to go away. When I messed around with another man, as I explained earlier in this, I wasn't with my now husband anymore, but before we got back togther I had to get the guilt of it off my chest. Do you not think his girl is going to notice a difference in him? He's torn, he's confused, which mean he WILL act differently around her, all because he'll be trying to ACT normal, do you get what I mean? Not only say there is a possibility that she wont find out, is that a chance he wants to take? Because when that happens everything will go to hell. Maybe it will take that same day of finding out, or years down the road. She may not even realize she holds a resentment and destroy them.

 

Wow, Drea, get out of my head. That's pretty much exactly what I was trying to say.

 

Describe how this postively plays out in a relationship? How ensuring that she is scarred helps? Also, describe how the confession acts to prevent "the invisible tendrils"?

 

No - he was talking about scarring the "wonderful relationship", remember? So I was just pointing out that it's not the telling of the cheating that scars the relationship - it's the cheating itself.

 

Because, as Drea said, now there's guilt, and worry, and his girlfriend may sense that, as many people do, without knowing what's wrong but knowing something's not right. He won't want to tell her, that could create more suspicion and tension as she continues to wonder and he continues to evade and all of it just could drive them further apart = invisible tendrils.

[Frustrated_in_LA]

My advice: figure out first why you want to tell her. If you suspect its merely to make yourself feel better about it entering your marriage or "coming clean" etc., don't say a word. It was selfish what you did, but telling her now just to ease your conscience will be selfish also. Maybe you want to warn her, if so, if you are having second thoughts about your ability to commit, then address that. My point is- firgure out why it is you think she should know and be really square with it. And if the guilt is eating you up- well, maybe that's deserved. I don't think you shoudl tell her just to tell her- that's not taking responsibility- it's giving her the responsibility to react to your infidelity. And I agree with the confession idea- get thee to counseling if necessary. I think this is your mess to deal with unless you know of any other reason why it should also be hers.

[headingfor_doghouse]

Thanks for all the comments! Wow... i never expected so many replies on this. i get what you're saying about my behavior changing, but i don't see a difference. Frustrated_in_LA, i just want to tell her to clear the air of any lies and deceit. we've always been open and honest with each other, and i want to keep that going because you can't have a marriage without trust. sure, she may not trust me as much as she did before, but in time, i hope she'll learn to trust me again. Right now, i'm planning to tell her a week or two before she goes back to college so that we have some time to talk it out. she'll probably be here friday, but i don't want to ruin the holidays for her. it gives me time to plan out what to say. anyone want to throw any ideas out there as part of what i should say to her? i have some ideas of my own, but it's always good to have input.

[reddog63]

I think your crazy for telling.......................if you tell her your dumped most likely..............and if she finds out someday you might be dumped..............one is closer to a certainty then the other.

 

Plus, if giving a blow job in not sex.........ie. Clinton definition.........then fingering and handjobs are just like playing cards.

[NYCmitch25]

Wow, Drea, get out of my head. That's pretty much exactly what I was trying to say.

 

Drea: NYC the thing is, is that he is abviously already torn about this, and whether she realizes it yet he has a guilt, and that is not something he should carry and expect to go away. When I messed around with another man, as I explained earlier in this, I wasn't with my now husband anymore, but before we got back togther I had to get the guilt of it off my chest. Do you not think his girl is going to notice a difference in him? He's torn, he's confused, which mean he WILL act differently around her, all because he'll be trying to ACT normal, do you get what I mean? Not only say there is a possibility that she wont find out, is that a chance he wants to take? Because when that happens everything will go to hell. Maybe it will take that same day of finding out, or years down the road. She may not even realize she holds a resentment and destroy them.

 

No - he was talking about scarring the "wonderful relationship", remember? So I was just pointing out that it's not the telling of the cheating that scars the relationship - it's the cheating itself.

 

Because, as Drea said, now there's guilt, and worry, and his girlfriend may sense that, as many people do, without knowing what's wrong but knowing something's not right. He won't want to tell her, that could create more suspicion and tension as she continues to wonder and he continues to evade and all of it just could drive them further apart = invisible tendrils.

 

No? as in "I'm wrong" , I guess I've put you on the defensive, sorry about that. Staying with your "scar" analogy, I'm just suggesting that he should weigh the differences in letting the scars heal on their own or, medicate it some how (like pouring wichhazel on it) in hopes it will get better eventually (after getting much worse of course). What you are suggesting are that the scars will never heal on their own and thus require the wichhazel (aka a confession) to get better. It's further illustrated by marriage, sleeping around, and how it became an unbearable weight.

 

This is all true in a sense, however it neglects some important things. One, just because it's tearing him up inside worse than perhaps telling her and dealing with the consequences, doesn't mean he is doing it *for her*. Thus, it again becomes a selfish act at her expense. Two, your assumption is that it's impossible for this to heal on it's own but there are obviously many other instances in the world that disprove that assertion. Three, he didn't sleep with this girl and that should be considered, millions of Bachlor party's have this kind of activity. Fouth, this "other woman" is hated by the gf and thus would make it extra painful out side of the norm of the act. Again, you guys tell me that it's an impossible weight, but maybe that is a good question for him, is it an impossible weight which must involve the gf in the healing process?