patwheel Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 As most of you, here, dumpee, going on a little over 1 month of NC. With a little look back on the relationship, I can honestly say that I fell into the trap of putting her in front of everything, my life, my career, my family, my friends. Putting her on this pedestal when she left me at my most vulnerable, isnt that a big paradox? But I guess most people have been through this, and maybe this is why we are pining and our wishful thinking just takes over. I have no intention of breaking NC, nor do I want to be involved with her again at the moment (her dealing with the break up shows how immature she is ,i.e. bad mouthing, etc etc...). Just like most of us here on LS, I think I have a lot to contribute to the fall of our relationship. I had issues with myself, issues with my family, and I would be distant when times were bad. I can finally now say thank you, thank you for opening my eyes on myself, thank you for being supportive when I was in the hospital, thank you for giving me a positive outlook on life, thank you for showing me the little pleasures in life, and finally thank you for showing me what I want in a woman. She and I were compatible, but not meant for each other. Timing differences? Most probably. She never really partied in high school or college, since she did not have any close friends, and now that she settled in one place, she finally found her friends, and starting to enjoy the party scene, and the hollywood life. I can now say, I am happy that she is "finding herself", enjoying life and found friends that she can count on. I am thankful for all of what I discovered about myself. I am thankful for this experience to finally deal with the issues that I had with my family, and put it behind. I am thankful that I am getting better with my life, and will turn this situation around with some help of psy, but no meds. I am happy that I can look back at the break up, reread everything that I have written on LS, see how down I was, betrayed, lonely, depressed, and tell myself I will never ever be like this again. I am happy that I can see the good outcomes of this break up for both of us. The only thing I could wish for is that my nosy neighbor could stop asking when she'll come back even when I told them that we're not together anymore! Unanswered questions, yes, I have a lot. How can she be so rude to my mother when my mother was more than nice with her(sending presents, emails, and all), be rude with me, but not with my mom. How can you leave me at my most vulnerable point? After being sick, in the hospital in and out, I am young and healthy again (finally!), all I can say is you gave me my strength back by leaving me. I love her, yes, always will. But I can now say I am not in love anymore, without a sad face or with tears coming. I do get lonely still, I do feel down whenever I go out and come home to an empty place, or waking up/go to bed with my 17 yr old pooh bear, but all in good time will come. As many of you told me, I need to get my head together, love myself, and then Ill be able to give love unconditionally again All of you out there, be strong. Love yourself. Find someone to talk to a professional or a friend. Work on yourself! I was given a motivational tape by anthony robbins. Although I find that most of what he says is just generalities that we all hear and know, and the fact that it's so corny, hearing it made a difference for me. I heard it through friends and family, read it on LS, but I guess unconsciously, I associated those words with pity. Hearing it from someone totally unaware of the situation just gave me my smile back. Another thing that I do is read psychology books. Go to your local library, read books about depression, relationships, either self help or clinical. Apparently Im a textbook case. This is just another way to find other examples of people going through the same. Just like when we go on LS to relate to others, and makes us feel better. I don't know what else to say. Some days are good, some are bad, but in the end, be good to yourself! No self medication anymore, no binge drinking, done it cant help. Breaking stuff, going crazy? Go to the driving range, hit some balls. Cant do any of those? Go into a room (prferably soundproof!) and scream! Do something good for others, I help in a nursing home where people are left by themselves by their own children. Your own children could leave you also, think about that, and you'll probably feel better that your significant other left you. Something productive, something that will help you move forward in your life, your career. Im starting to study for the bar exam, and find myself a lot more focused when I think about good things for myself. Friends and family will always be there. And if they're not, they're just tired of my rants, and then I can turn to LS for that. Treat your family well, treat others well, and treat yourself well! Try to break the never ending cycle of "whys" or "what ifs" or "will she/he". All of those questions are there, will haunt you for some times, but you have to remind yourself that only you and you alone can stop this destructive pattern. Help yourself save yourself. Easier said than done, I know, I have been there. Anger, guilt, fear, leave those behind. Recognize your pain, acknowledge them. Its a break up! It hurts! Dont try to deny it, your whole body says so even if you dont! Accept the consequences, rationally, calmly. One month ago, I was here posting about my situation, going into this destructive phase, with everyone telling me, its ok and I didnt listen. I did not want to, but as soon as I started acknowledging my pain, how much it hurts, how betrayed I felt, it started making a lot more sense, and gave me perspective on this whole situation. Once you acknowledge it, the whole process of recovery will unfold on itself. Youll start by not demonizing the ex, accept your mistake, their mistake and be content. I dont know why I wrote so much, but I wanted to share what happened to me, maybe give some hope to you guys out there hurting still. There is hope, there is light at the end of the tunnel, there is you, a better you! Thank you all for your support, stories. I hope I can do the same for you someday.
In Sync Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 Try to break the never ending cycle of "whys" or "what ifs" or "will she/he". All of those questions are there, will haunt you for some times, but you have to remind yourself that only you and you alone can stop this destructive pattern. Help yourself save yourself. Easier said than done, I know, I have been there. Anger, guilt, fear, leave those behind. Recognize your pain, acknowledge them. Its a break up! It hurts! Dont try to deny it, your whole body says so even if you dont! Accept the consequences, rationally, calmly. One month ago, I was here posting about my situation, going into this destructive phase, with everyone telling me, its ok and I didnt listen. I did not want to, but as soon as I started acknowledging my pain, how much it hurts, how betrayed I felt, it started making a lot more sense, and gave me perspective on this whole situation. Once you acknowledge it, the whole process of recovery will unfold on itself. Youll start by not demonizing the ex, accept your mistake, their mistake and be content. Thank you. Today seems to be one of these days of setbacks and those with clearer visions. And here I am at my desk with tears streamin down my face (its a slow day and no one can see me.) I hear you about feeling the pain..part of me keeps judging my pain. Like How normal is it to still keep hurting. Am I crying too much over something I can't change...why am I hurting ..see what I mean. I want to be at a point of not being angry at him.But that misleads me to thinking I could try talking and sorting out what went wrong? The only perpspective I have now is, In Sync does not know how to let go of pain.
CaliGuy Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 Brother, you don't know how similar our situations are. They match almost perfectly. My Ex and I are compatible too, but she wants her freedom and doesn't want to be attached, yet she still dates. She doesn't like my slightly sarcastic attitude, my questions or the fact we talked mostly about us instead of just shooting the breeze (my fault there, I couldn't understand why the relationship wasn't moving forward and it wasn't because I wouldn't just accept things for what they were and relax and be me). I put her on a pedestel, loved her beyond belief and wanted to marry her. All of these things just turned her off even more. It told her I am needy and clingy and I had never been that way in the past with anyone. We were just in two separate times in our lives. Perhaps in another time it would have worked out, but who knows? I recognize what I did wrong in the relationship and have learned from, but I also know that because we just aren't right for each other. When I started to accept that, I found myself better able to let go and put more focus on me. I also found a dark side to her that helped me release. She's so damned insecure that she would never accept that anyone could love her that much. It was too much love for one girl to handle. I'll never do that again. She also flirted with men a lot to build up her self-esteem. It told me that she wasn't getting what she wanted from me, which was a challenge. You know, to be her prize. Something she had to work for to get. Knowing these things I can reflect back upon the situation and prevent any future problems when I do find that right girl. And I wanted to add, when it's right, you both will be into each other. You both will give. It will be 50/50 and you won't need to put one another on a pedestle. You won't even need to really try to make it work, it will work on it's own. When we accept that not everyone is right for us, when we accept that relationships shouldn't be work, when we accept that there is someone else out there for us, our attitude, our confidence and our smile will return.
Author patwheel Posted December 9, 2005 Author Posted December 9, 2005 I want to be at a point of not being angry at him.But that misleads me to thinking I could try talking and sorting out what went wrong? The only perpspective I have now is, In Sync does not know how to let go of pain. I have read your story, and all I can say is I am sorry that your ex mistreated you like he did. You can let go, you have the ability to. Some of us have it easier, some have a little tougher, but in the end, look at yourself and smile! There's always good in the bad, you come out as a better person, knowing yourself better, and knowing which type of person you are willing to associate with! I was at the point also when I would get angry, reminisce myself of what angered me, what triggered the break up, imagining scenarios of how it would have been if she or I did this or that, and yes I would smile, I would be happy at the thought of getting back together...until I remembered that she left, and became angered, sad again. I went through this just like you are, just like everyone is. Our psyche is there to fool us, our fight or flight instinct kick in and we want our ex-other half to fight for us, just like we fight for them. But on the other hand, they just get more and more repulsed by us, the more we fight, the more they fly away. When you'll be ready, you and only you will make the change. What triggered my change was volunteering in this senior hospice, I saw the saddest thing ever. Children abandoning their own parents, their own parents! Children too engulfed in themselves, never visiting them. After seeing that, I realized that if people are able to abandon their own creator, the person that has cared for them since the beginning, people will leave, your own flesh and blood, the person that you loved unconditionally. Do I want to be with someone like that? Hell no. Seeing this makes me sick, and from the day that Ive started until now, I have seen people who just like us here on LS, are heartbroken, aching for some attention, and just wait for their children to come back. Some do, some don't, but for me this nursing home is a "live LS board" in the sense that they are just trying to understand what happened, and try to give out their love, even though their children could care less. When I saw that, the next day, I told myself, if someone's son or daughter can just leave their parents like that, what stops our significant other to stop loving us? Its, for most of us, insignificant reasons (change of heart, timing,...), nothing compared to the loss of your own child! This is what turned me around, this is what changed my vision, and took my mind off my self pity, my hollywood-type scenarios of reuniting, my own fantasy world. I was like you, watching TV, seeing every commercial or even tv shows reminding me of being a couple at christmas, sharing those special gift at christmas. Everytime, I would just change channel compulsively. I just refused to watch. The "holiday" season, a season for us to dread, us singles-left-and-forgotten, because yes half of the world is with their significant other and will share those romantic moments under the christmas tree. I used to think that NYC was the best city to be in for christmas, and I shared those memories with my ex. But watching the christmas special was too much. Im making progress, one day at a time, but cant ask for too much. Give yourself some time to grieve. I know two weeks ago I felt like the world was collapsing on me, left alone, with no more purpose or sense in life. Its a break up, it hurts, but you can't expect to work properly again if you are not fully healed. That's why we do NC, that's why we try not to sit around wait for our destiny to strike. You can do it, you can change your train of thoughts, you can change your thought process about your ex. Thats what my psy is doing, telling me to think about my guilty pleasure (the carribeans ) whenever I think about my ex or try to resolve our break up. Slowly and surely we'll all reach the point when we'll be happy again
Author patwheel Posted December 10, 2005 Author Posted December 10, 2005 Brother, you don't know how similar our situations are. They match almost perfectly. My Ex and I are compatible too, but she wants her freedom and doesn't want to be attached, yet she still dates. She doesn't like my slightly sarcastic attitude, my questions or the fact we talked mostly about us instead of just shooting the breeze (my fault there, I couldn't understand why the relationship wasn't moving forward and it wasn't because I wouldn't just accept things for what they were and relax and be me). I put her on a pedestel, loved her beyond belief and wanted to marry her. All of these things just turned her off even more. It told her I am needy and clingy and I had never been that way in the past with anyone. Weird isnt it? But it makes me feel a LOT better to see that someone is sharing what I went through, and making it easier. My ex checked herself out sometimes around 4-6 months ago, and the more I saw it, the more I tried to be the perfect boyfriend, the more clingy I would become, the more she would go away. My thoughts were also on trying to fix the relationship, trying to reassure her that "it's ok, we've been through worse, we'll just ride this one and everything will be ok", but no when someone has doubt in a relationship, the only thing we can do is to back off and let them figure out by themselves. I remember, I was seeing that she was unhappy, so we went several times on weekend trips, and everything would be great there, but back home, same problems would arise. I would also buy her flowers, freakin expensive leonidas chocolates and all that, but no use. Looking back at this, I dedicated my life during those lsat 3 months trying to fix something unfixable. I look back, and I say what a pathetic loser. If one of my buddy were to do that, I would tell him "stop being a pussy whipped boyfriend and back off". But then again, I put her high up in the sky, making her my number one priority, imparing my judgment about everything! Just like you said before Caliguy: When we accept that not everyone is right for us, when we accept that relationships shouldn't be work, when we accept that there is someone else out there for us, our attitude, our confidence and our smile will return. Couldn't put it better !
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