kukush Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 We got married before 3 years, we both work but my income was better. Since i loved him, i never minded spending my money to our house for living and help him to his college fee. Now he has graduated and got better job and better salary. I told him it is my turn to upgrade my diploma and his turn to take care of the house expense like i did before but to my surprise he is not willing now i realise that, that is why he didn't want a baby which i asked him before six months. And another seceret i got from his email that he is writting love letter to old friend of his. I was shocked when i see on his message regarding his marriage he told her that his marriage has long story but it will be over soon; i couldn't believe my eyes (he doesn't know that i know his password). When i see him the night i read his mail, he was like as if honest husband; i didn't say a word. At the moment, i have planned to leave him i couldn't be the same wife as i have been before but i am praying to God to give me strength to tell him what he is doing to me! for me this is sudden situation! Please help any body advise me!!
Mz. Pixie Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 First of all, get some legal advice so you know how to proceed. Next, confront him with the e mail. Don't let him sidetrack you with his saying you snooped. He lost the right to have privacy because of his cheating- which is what he's doing in reality. Tell him he either goes with you to marriage counseling or you walk. Let him know you've already talked to an attorney and here is how it will play out. Take the control out of his hands. He's using you and preparing to leave you when he gets good and ready. Push his hand a little bit.
Kenyth Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 What an a$$ he is! You should feel used, because he used you. Time for, "The Wake Up Call!". Tear into him! You don't deserve this! If he doesn't straighten up, toss the dirtbag out before he soils anymore of your life with his BS.
Author kukush Posted December 12, 2005 Author Posted December 12, 2005 My dear, Thank you for taking time to read my post and reply to me! You know what, i got the chance to talk to him on saturday, I told him it is enough i don't want to live such life any more with him and told him that i new he has some body else in his mind and he is calling her. I was again so surprise of his lies; he said he didn't call to any body and he doesn't have any body other than me his wife! and he cried and cried oh my God! lmao: See here if felt very sorry i thought he is plaing games with me! I know every thing, i read his mails every day! and she was tanking him that he called her yeasterday! and he told her he is happy hearing her voice etc.... Even if he cried to make me stay i don't want to live any more... What a guy is he it means i never new him well.!! Waiting for your comment i remain Best regards Kukush
Mz. Pixie Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 You didn't do what I suggested. Of course he's going to lie, you didn't confront him with what you had. Get your legal advice. Print out all the e mails. One copy for the atty, one copy to bust him with. Once it's in his face he cannot deny it.
Author kukush Posted December 13, 2005 Author Posted December 13, 2005 My dear, Thanks again for your reply. You are right, i was so afraid to confront him with his mails cos. he might hurt me! Actually, i have all his mails printed out and kept it aside. Since, i have decided to walk away i wanted to give him last minute with a sealed envelop. What do you think! I will even cc. to his dad and mom! With best regards
Author kukush Posted December 13, 2005 Author Posted December 13, 2005 Dear Kenyth, I just figured out that he is an a$$! My mom used to tell me that she detest him by seeing his attitude; some times we don't hear to our parents, now i realize that she is right! What is to cry about, he knows what he has doing in his heart! Even after our conversation he still writes to his sweety (he calls her sweety) I am now fade up even to see him i am just waiting some points to leave... To be honest there was no wife as i have been for him! Thanks for your comment, please add some advice which i would be very happy to read. so i don't feel lonely! Bye best regards, Kukush
lilmoma1973 Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 Leave and never look back !! He is an a$$ just as everyone has said.. I would leave and take everything in the house!! He is a user and you deserve better ,you done alot for him and he done you like that .. I know it will be hard but you will get through it .. He sounds to be inconsiderate and a big jerk!! You don't deserve the pain he is putting you through !! I feel so sorry he made such a mockery of you !! He played you bad and got what he wanted now he is through with you.. I hope he does this old friend that he is emailing the same way !! He is a big loser and you deserve better!! Yeah you know that old saying "Mother's know best" it is true!!
Mz. Pixie Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 You were afraid to show him the emails?? Has he ever hit you or given you reason to think that he would? I know that you don't want it to be true, but unfortunately it is. I'm proud of you for deciding it's time to get out!
sparticuss Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 for me this is sudden situation! Please help any body advise me!! I'll give you one piece of advise. From a prfesional marriage guidance counseller. This may be sudden for you but its still average. In 90% of all divorces the announcement comes as a total shock to one partner.
Author kukush Posted December 15, 2005 Author Posted December 15, 2005 Dear All, Thank you for your support and advise, i really do appriciate it!! Actually he never bit me, but he is a kind of verbal and emotion abuser;like for eg. he always come late at night week ends the whole day he is with his freinds it seems he come for dinner and bed time! Here during those time i am sitting alone in the house, he even don't call me when he is late! I think these are abusment! I just realize all i was so blind! Oh, about the email he still writes and call her, by the way she is living miles away. On her last email she told him that she have lover and he is her 1st and will be the last. When he sees that, she had sent him two pic. the 2nd was with her lady freind; so today he asked her who she is! isn't it funny i never new that my husband has such character oh my God!!!!!!! Another thing I am so sad that my Gyne. doctor told me today that i have cyst and i should be operated. I didn't tell him! I will write him a nice letter saying i am off the city for 10 days and attach his lovely emails! finally don't want to see him when i am back! and go to my hospital to deal my health may be i shold stay in the hospital 2-3 days! Thank you all and wish me luck for my health! Kukush
magda Posted December 15, 2005 Posted December 15, 2005 Keep a copy of those emails for yourself. Soon as he sees them, he'll change his password. Anyway, he doesn't need to see the emails to understand the gravity of you knowing what he's been emailing.
Author kukush Posted December 16, 2005 Author Posted December 16, 2005 Actually you are right, but i want to see him getting mad and give cc to every of his freids and family members how that sounds?????????
High Contrast Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 I don't know why people are suggesting that you confront him with the mail. I think they watch too many soap operas. You know the truth, so do what you have to do. Don't play games with sending his personal mails all over the place. Just talk to a lawyer, prepare for a divorce, and get your medical treatment.
curiousnycgirl Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 Kukush - Out of curiousity where are you? English doesn't seem to be your first language. How balanced are the divorce laws where you live? Before you do anything - contact an attorney and make sure you get all the information you need to protect yourself! A moment of revenge is not worth losing everything. I am not at all familiar with divorce laws - however I do know someone who was in a similiar situation - and even though she made more money, he paid her alimony (or the equivelant) due to her "investment" in his future earnings. It seems the fact that she supported him through school and paid some of his tuition was the equivelant to an investment and after the divorce her lawyer made sure she was made whole, including interest, etc. Best of luck to you.
RecordProducer Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 Dear Kukush, You probably come from a culture where a woman is a second-class citizen; you can't confront him or oppose to his lies. The best you can do for yourself is to divorce him (you can't repair the damage by counseling or anything else, because he is an ass). It's good that your parents support you. If you live in a western country, you can sue him and not let him walk away with the marital assets you both earned (you more than him). Find a man that will respect you and love you. You're neither the first nor the last woman who made the mistake of marrying the wrong guy, but fix the mistake as soon as possible. Don't let anyone treat you like crap, you don't deserve it. You have only one life to spend and don't waste your precious time on this a**h*** no matter how much you think you love him right now. You'll get over him and love many more times.
Author kukush Posted December 17, 2005 Author Posted December 17, 2005 Dear Curiousnygirl, Thank you for your comment! English is my 3rd language sorry for my broken lang. I am some where in Africa! Here marriage culture is very difficult! When you have such problem, they say it's ok every man do that forgive him and live with him if you go to another man it will be the same or worth bla,bla,bla.... you know kind of these thing which i don't like! Actually now a days things are changed but that culture still dominate Anyways, i will try to find a lawyer to talk i will see what they will advise me! Sorry for ignoring the lawyer case, cause here we don't have the train. Thank you all, keep writting me! Kukush
curiousnycgirl Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 Kukush - Yup as I suspected, and RecordProducer stated - you come from a culture that will make it very difficult for you to get out of this marriage with a fair settlement (meaning you get more, since you put more in). However your response to my question was more about people's attitudes vs. the actual law - which is why getting yourself proper representation is so critical. At this point you need to remember that you need to protect yourself and get yourself out of this with as little damage as possible. BTW there is no reason for you to apologize for your English - it's really fabulous, and I certainly did not mean anything negative by my question - it was just apparent that it was not your first language, which led me to suspect you were not from the west. We are here for you - you DO have friends. Look forward to reading what your lawyer had to say!
RecordProducer Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 So are you going to stay with him or leave? By the way, your English is pretty good and you speak one more foreign language also! That tells me that you're educated and naturally you refuse to take this man's crap no matter how accepted it is by the common women in you country. We are not all the same and you don't have to live your life as other people tell you. Even your parents are on your side. Remember, the lawyer is supposed to advise you legally - not suggest that you stay married if you don't want to.
Becoming Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 Listen to folks here. Some of us have dealt with just this situation. I know the sickening feeling in the pit of your stomach and the rage of such betrayal. Though my husband and I eventually worked through his emotional email affair, it was because I did the following: PRINT OUT ALL OF THE EMAILS BEFORE YOU TELL HIM YOU'VE BEEN READING THE EMAIL. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. He will definitely change the password once he knows you're reading his mail. Make two copies after you print everything out and put them in a safe place. FIND A GOOD DIVORCE LAWYER and make an appointment to see her/him as soon as possible for advice. You may or may not choose to actually divorce, but you need to know what to do now so that if you do decide it's over you don't do something you'll regret later. You can give one set of email copies to the lawyer. It'll be proof you need in court. (Make sure you keep one set of copies for yourself, though. You can email yourself another set by setting up a new account on hotmail.com or another free email site like yahoo.com. Protect this computer-saved set. Why should you leave the home you've worked hard on? Make him leave, unless you want to go make a new home for yourself. See what the lawyer says on this. On a day when you know he's not coming home until late so that you'll have plenty of time to execute your plan, change the locks. Go to the hardware store and buy new locks for all the doors. Change them. It'll take an hour or two to figure out how to do the first one, but the others will go faster. You can do this yourself. Just read the directions on the back. If you need help, ask a friend to come over and help you. Or look up further directions on internet. If you have the money, you can hire a locksmith to do it for you. Once you've changed the locks, pack him a suitcase and/or set his things on the front porch or outside wherever it's fairly safe with a note telling him why his key no longer works: he's not welcome in your house anymore because of his affair. With this note include a copy of all the emails. Ignore him when he wants in. Say all you want to say in the letter. Don't respond to him. If you're afraid he'll break in or something, you can have a friend or relatives there with you and the number for the police. I know you want to show his parents a copy of the emails. What good will this do? Just knowing what he did will be enough. You don't have to keep what he's done a secret, and that will be shame enough. In the meantime, take care of yourself and use your brain. Stay calm. Rage on here and continue making your big plan and take pleasure in that. Avoid your husband as much as possible during this time. And keep us posted!
RecordProducer Posted December 18, 2005 Posted December 18, 2005 Becoming that was a wonderful advice, but I don't think Kukush has the stamina and courage to do it. She couldn't even tell him about the emails! She doesn't live in the US and we don't know their financial state and laws in her country. I don't think she will ever leave this man. If you've noticed the direction of her posts, you will see that it's very linear - meaning she is just venting, not listening to any advice, and asking people to keep writing. She just needs emotional support and reasurance that her husband is an ass. That's all.
Becoming Posted December 18, 2005 Posted December 18, 2005 RP: I got so caught up in her plight I failed to read your posts to her and her reply. So I apologize kukush for a typical ethnocentric Western reply. I hope you get out of this nightmare of a marriage and go on to school to do what you want with your life. There are scholarships for bright women like you in lots of places in the world. You're already reaching out to your sisters across the planet. Don't let others clip your spirit's wings. You can soar, and maybe this bad situation is opening the door to the cage of your marriage so you can fly high.
Author kukush Posted December 19, 2005 Author Posted December 19, 2005 Dear All, I felt proud to have you all around me and giving me tremendous advises! Thank God I am not alone in this world! BTW, as RecordProducer mentioned I am not looking for an expression about my H, I am gathering ideas; I don’t know how to put it; before I became a member of loveshack one of my part was thinking that my idea of leaving my H & snooping his emails is a sin! and God will punish me for this! But something come to my mind why not I dig in the internet and look for some one to talk to! So I found you; I read every thing I found in the site thanks to technology! My mind is now almost changed I come to say it is not a sin! and I have right to say NO! Growing in this society makes you not to have self confidence, take time to decide! If you guys were in my feet it would be the same it depends how you grow into the society. Well to be honest, my inside has already decided to leave him I am preparing a place to live for my self. The house we are living is a rental so I don’t mind leaving the house except my precious furniture! About the lawyer, I got the chance to talk to one yesterday and he said I am not obliged to live with him if I don’t want to I go with my half very easy so I am happy with this! There is a process that I don’t like that I mentioned partly on my last post. Before you go to divorce there are 3 old guys which they are so respected in the family! they sit with me and H asking us why don’t we make things better all that crap!! If I ignore their word it means that I am a naughty girl and so on… if I jump this step I am free as bird!!!! My mom is on my side she don’t like they way I am living! She says what ever it costs me she is trying to send me some where he can not reach me some where in US. I didn’t tell her that I am in this condition she will be very upset I don’t want to see her face down. I will deal my crap guy soon! So please understand me I am not joking! Of course, I need courage! Thank you all I expect your post!! Lots of Love Kukush
RecordProducer Posted December 19, 2005 Posted December 19, 2005 Dear Kukush, now we see improvement. I am sure you will get a divorce from the elder members. They probably question you just to make sure that your decision was made systematically and seriously, not the night before because you had a fight. If you explain to them how unhappy you felt with your husband since you got married, they can't deny you divorce. Good luck!
Becoming Posted December 20, 2005 Posted December 20, 2005 Kukush-- It's good to hear from you again! Don't let folks try to tell you you're sinful because you did what any wife does when she suspects her husband is seeing someone else! Print everything out to show to the elders if there's any question. And don't let them talk you into taking him back when he shows remorse before them. It would be good to go far away to school and start the life you want. You can start researching schools on the internet now. Dreaming and working toward your future can help you get through this hard time. Keep us posted! Prayers and blessings to you!
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