weye Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 Here's the situation. about a year and a half ago, my best friend in the world got married. He is generally a good man with a clear record, and a good job. He is very intelligent and kind, he goes out of his way to help those in need. He is a model husband whom any woman would consider herself lucky to be with. He is fun to be around, always the life of the party. SO many people look up to him. His wife is an innocent and naive girl. She's lived a sheltered life, and doesn't yet know of the dark side of love and relationships. She's not the most beautiful girl in the world, but she is very sweet, kind, and loyal. He is the center of her world, and she his. They love eachother deeply, and passionately. They have a house and are planning to have kids. In the beginning, I tried to talk him out of the marriage. He is an admitted sex-addict. I knew, deep inside, that what seemed so perfect to everyone else would someday come to an agonizing end. I talked to him about getting counsoling before tying the knot, but he had himself convinced that the cheating would come to an end as soon as the wedding had passed. And now, he's been seeing prostitutes. Clever man that he is, he's been able to keep everything a secret from his sincere wife. I know its none of my business, but the thought of her unwittingly contracting a dangerous disease is a burden on my mind. I want to tell her the truth, but that would be an act of ultimate betrayal to the man who has been my closest friend of 14 years. I've talked to him much, and extracted the truth out of him months ago, but his behavior has not changed, its even gotten worse. What can you say to a man to get him to stop cheating?
sadwife Posted December 10, 2005 Posted December 10, 2005 why don't you say to him that you are going to tell his wife what he has been doing. You want to be a loyal friend to him,but what friend stands back and just watches another friend destroy themselves? you mentioned std's as a concern for her;it's also a concern for your friend's reckless behavior.
weye Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 why don't you say to him that you are going to tell his wife what he has been doing. You want to be a loyal friend to him,but what friend stands back and just watches another friend destroy themselves? you mentioned std's as a concern for her;it's also a concern for your friend's reckless behavior. I can't just tell her. What kind of a friend would willingly destroy your marriage. What I want to do is convince him to stop! And threatening him like this is not an option. He told me because he trusted me. And if I threatened to tell his wife, he'd just keep on seeing them, but not confide in me about it. There's got to be a better way.
JadeStar Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 I can't just tell her. What kind of a friend would willingly destroy your marriage. What I want to do is convince him to stop! And threatening him like this is not an option. He told me because he trusted me. And if I threatened to tell his wife, he'd just keep on seeing them, but not confide in me about it. There's got to be a better way. You didn't destroy the marriage, he did. You can not convince someone to stop if they don't want too. He has already told you he wouldn't stop anyway, so why waste your time? Either tell her, or you don't. She will eventually find out anyway, it always comes out in the wash at some point. Jade
witabix Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 There is a third way, do nothing. Sounds heartless I know but we are not here to be other peoples gaurdians or consciences. It is his life and he has to make his own mistakes. You can threaten to tell his wife, you can plead with him to stop, you can beg him not to do this, in the end though it his choice. You are in a very difficult position and whatever you do one of them will blame you for it. Perhaps you could tell your friend that his behavior is so reprehensible to you that he can longer be your friend, lets face it he is behaving in a fashion that most people would find offensive. It is not your life that he is threatening, it is his own and that of his wife. As I said removing yourself completely from his life may make him think, and if you tell him your friendship is over let him know that if his wife asks you why you are not friends with him any more you will tell her exactly why, as by then you will no longer be his friend and there will be no side taking.
lilmoma1973 Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 I can't just tell her. What kind of a friend would willingly destroy your marriage. What I want to do is convince him to stop! And threatening him like this is not an option. He told me because he trusted me. And if I threatened to tell his wife, he'd just keep on seeing them, but not confide in me about it. There's got to be a better way. You can't do more damage tha he already has !! You owe her that much to let her know you are her friend.. Wouldn't you want to know if your h was endangering your life sleeping with hookers!! That to me isn't something to tak lightly with all the dieases are out there!! Please tell her and if their marriage breaks up it is his fault not yours!!
Kenyth Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 His big mouth has put you in a difficult position. You can tell her if you wish, but I warn you, you won't be loved for it. You will likely be hated by both of them before it's over. In things like this, I mind my own business. I don't even want to hear about it. Tell him you don't want to hear about his trysts and are ashamed of him. Then forget about it. You may want to even forget about him. Friends like this, you don't need. Perhaps losing you can be his first lesson in the costs of infidelity.
michaelk Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 His big mouth has put you in a difficult position. You can tell her if you wish, but I warn you, you won't be loved for it. You will likely be hated by both of them before it's over. In things like this, I mind my own business. I don't even want to hear about it. Tell him you don't want to hear about his trysts and are ashamed of him. Then forget about it. You may want to even forget about him. Friends like this, you don't need. Perhaps losing you can be his first lesson in the costs of infidelity. Exactly. Couldn't have said it better myself.
Weye Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 Send an anonymous note to her. The thought has crossed his mind. But he would figure out what happened. He would eventually trace it back to me. I'm sure of that. I also thought about sending a note to her parents, but in the end, he's gonna know. You will likely be hated by both of them before it's over. You're right about this. The best way, for me, is to not get involved. I just hate to think of her contarcting an STD and knowing that I could have prevented it. I'm thinking about trying to convince him to get counseling, privately, so that he can get some help in getting over his problem. Because he can't do it alone.
JadeStar Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 The thought has crossed his mind. But he would figure out what happened. He would eventually trace it back to me. I'm sure of that. I also thought about sending a note to her parents, but in the end, he's gonna know. You're right about this. The best way, for me, is to not get involved. I just hate to think of her contarcting an STD and knowing that I could have prevented it. I'm thinking about trying to convince him to get counseling, privately, so that he can get some help in getting over his problem. Because he can't do it alone. You can not try to convince someone to get into counselig for a problem they may have. Sure you could suggest it, but I doubt it will work, because as of right now, he is not bothered by what he is doing, he even told you that he wouldn't stop. The best thing to do is take a step back and let the chips fall where they may. I know your friend and his wife both are at risk of an STD etc and that may be a reason you want to tell on him, but theres not alot you can do unless you go to the wife and tell her, risk losing both friendships, or perhaps a note as someone else suggested. You yourself said your friend would know you sent it, so I guess its best to leave it alone. Chances are it will all come out eventually. Jade
Lil Honey Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 Sometimes ignorace really is bliss. No one can be sure that he will pass on an STD. He could be using protection (although I don't know how likely THAT is). You could call him at home when you know he isn't there and sort of "plant a questioning seed" in his wife's mind. "Oh, he left work early, so I thought he would be home by now . . ." I would stay out of it. How do you that the wife doesn't already know and is simply putting up with it? If the situation is bothering you, you should distance yourself from this person. You don't need his behavior affecting you, too.
NatoPMT Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 I have been in this position twice, although my friend was the wife and i found out her fiance was sleeping with prostitutes. I felt i HAD to tell her before she married him. She married him anyway and i lost her friendship. I would do it again in a heartbeat. I would lose any friend over keeping that secret from them, thats not a friendship in my opinion. The other time was more similar to your situation. My best male friend had a pregnant gf who he didnt want to be with, he went to thailand and slept with several prostitutes, not always with protection. His pregnant gf was then at real, real risk. i begged him to get tested and he didnt, thankfully everything seems to be ok as the baby is now 4 months old and she was tested routinely during the pregnancy. If anything had happened id never have forgiven myself. That child could have been infected with HIV as could his gf. I regret the situation and wish i had done something more and its only chance that prevented a total tragedy. Thats where you are now. He could pick something up, he could give it to her. He's playing with fire. She may even get pregnant while this is going on. Have you asked him if he is being safe? What sort of prostitutes is he sleeping with? Street girls or agency girls? Do they get tested? I personally would tell him that he either gets help or you tell the wife, if hes a sex addict, he needs help and if, as jadestar said, hes not bothered by what hes doing, then as a friend isnt it your duty to try to make him bothered? If he was a drug addict, you would push him more to get help. This is just as destructive and is likely to lose him his marriage. BB
Weye Posted December 18, 2005 Posted December 18, 2005 I've asked him if he's used a condem, and he says he has, except for oral sex. But even condems aren't 100% safe. They can break, slip off, or just plain not work. There is no agency or anything, the girls he's seeing are ordinary street girls. I doubt they ever get tested, and I doubt he has either. I've talked to him about it, but his attitude includes the belief that is 'natural' for guys to cheat. He says that he doesn't have time with his job to have an affair or anything (not that it would be much better), so he just may as well go off and get prostitutes. There's really no point in my threatening to tell his wife. He'd just tell me that he's stopped without really doing it. And if I tell his wife, I am sure he would trace everything back to me. And he has that kind of control over his wife where he could convince her that I was lying. She would believe him. He is a persuasive man. And she is a naive girl. What does it take for a man to stop seeing prostitutes? BigBelm, you told me of being in that situation twice. What did it take for those guys to stop? Did they ever stop? I want to make him feel bothered. I've already told him that what he's doing is a shameful act. But he seems to think its just what guys do. He even tried to get me to go with him to see one once (which I bluntly refused). Searching for answers...
Becoming Posted December 18, 2005 Posted December 18, 2005 Have you tried getting him to go to Sexual Addicts Anonymous? Are you sure his wife doesn't know? She may be ok with it. Is it possible to have your friend set up to be arrested for solicitation? Or an actor hired to visit the home when the wife is home alone to give her husband a fake summons for a court appearance on a solicitation charge? (Ok, I'm just trying to get a little creative here, maybe too much so!) I like the planting the seed of suspicion plan. There's a standard law case where a man sees a blind woman heading for a cliff. No doubt about it: the blind woman will fall off the cliff and die unless the man warns her away. Legally, the man is not obligated to say anything. Ethically, though, he'd be morally reprehensible if he didn't. The blind wife is unknowingly walking toward a cliff in sleeping with her husband. Now you da man. Which would you rather be? Legal with the buddy system intact or ethical and friendless?
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