Drea Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 I have a husband who I am in-love with still, yet right on the edge of falling out of love with. I can't help it, everytime I learn that he took a porno to the bathroom etc. to "get himself off" it tears me up inside. Understand I have nothing against porn, so long as we share it together, like a movie once in awhile to spice up our sex life. It's great, I actually enjoy that, but not when he plays solo. He tried to explain it to me and totally boofed it (he's not always the best with words,) about the whole masturbation/porno thing. I wanted to understand, so it wouldn't hurt so much. He told me when he see's a woman in a magazine he likes, his mind will create a "movie" in his head of them having sex (he worded it different, but it came out just the same.) To me that sounds like it's a fine line to cheating, although I know he would never cheat on me "in the flesh" as I'll put it. It's just the whole thing of him imaganing being with another woman, as though I am lacking that he can't get his satisfaction from me and only me (our sex life is mostly great.) Don't get me wrong, he's a great man other then that, he'll do just about everything for me. There are honestly times it really feels like he's cheated on me though, and has caused us to nearly break up, and I've even talked about divorce. Is it wrong to want my husband to keep his imagination while masturbating off of other women? Please don't answer with men will be men, or some other line, I just don't buy that. I'm am a strong believer in we're in control of our actions etc. regardless of what sex we are. I actually had a male neighbor that told me "getting off through masterbation by porno that is not your partner is just one form of cheating, and may be a sign that your partner just lacks the courage to cheat on you. But if he felt it would be okay and acceptable to be with another woman, he probably would." He also told me it would be an insult to your partner to get off through pictures/imaganings of others. Is there truth to that do any of you think?
Outcast Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 He's an idiot for telling you. Look. If you read what the experts say, they say that fantasizing, even about other people, is normal and natural. Is it wrong to want my husband to keep his imagination while masturbating off of other women? Yes. Most people, male and female, do it. Most are not stupid enough to give the details to their partners, though. Please don't answer with men will be men, or some other line It's not a line that it's normal and natural. I actually had a male neighbor that told me "getting off through masterbation by porno that is not your partner is just one form of cheating, and may be a sign that your partner just lacks the courage to cheat on you. But if he felt it would be okay and acceptable to be with another woman, he probably would." He also told me it would be an insult to your partner to get off through pictures/imaganings of others. Does your neighbour have a degree in psychology with a specialization in human sexuality? I thought not. He's just a smartass troublemaker who's trying to stir up trouble in the neighbourhood. YOU SHOULD NOT BE TELLING YOUR NEIGHBOURS WHAT YOUR HUSBAND DOES!!!!!! Now here's some advice from a certified sex therapist This fantasy seems to cause the greatest insecurities in the other partner. Yet, having sexual thoughts about lots of people is normal. Acting out on thoughts (while normal) does not always follow fantasy. The difference between fantasy and reality is behavior. In fact, usually if a partner is willing to take the risk to tell you about their 'fantasy' and risk your jealousy, they are coming to you because they trust you and want to get closer with you. They are not doing this because they are going to act on their behavior. for more: http://www.howtohavegoodsex.com/fantasy.htm
Author Drea Posted December 9, 2005 Author Posted December 9, 2005 Actually it was a neighbor from an old home, which is before I met my husband. We (him, his wife and I,) were talking about our views on movies and their rating, because they had strong beliefs on their marriage. The husband had told me why he does not watch porn, or certain scenes in a movie to have respect for his wife. I understand that there are times we have no control over our thoughts/imaginations, but to purposely seek out pictures of naked women when he knows where it may lead, and my strong feelings on it. Like I've said, I'm not against porn, I just feel there is a time and a place for it, and when your in a committed relationship playing solo isn't the way, especially when the mans wife is a nympho (luckily desire only my husband,) which means we have sex a lot and basically everywhere we hope not to get caught.
Outcast Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 People can have whatever opinions they like; the fact is that a guy having fantasy should not be a reason to 'fall out of love' or to end a relationship. Did you read the part about if he tells you his fantasy it's because he wants to be closer to you? Please do not mess up your relationship by getting into a big flap about this. Tell him that you'd rather not know about his fantasies because it makes you uncomfortable and then leave it alone. Nobody is allowed to control anybody else's brain.
J dub Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 My dad married a woman who was jealous of porn, semi similar to your situation. She was a bit worse tho, like when Jenny J0nes episodes with women who had breast implants came on she'd get all fussy and insist my dad not watch that nonsense. I just laughed, it was ridiculous...if she had only known how much my dad absolutely adored her. They got divorced eventually and I felt so bad for her because initially it all started from the magazines. Obviously I only have one end of the story and peiced the rest myself and surely theres more to it, but regardless... The only way I see porn as a hindering factor in a relationship is when it a) interferes with your sex life, like he chooses that over you. b) when he asks you to roleplay something that makes you uncomfortable and doesnt want to understand the dynamics in why you dont like it and then "punishes" you for it, c) interactive websites that assist with "meetings" and d) when it financially is ruining the family (him spending too much online or whatever for it). Otherwise, what it comes down to is a release mechanism for men that allows them to be selfish in some way. See, they only have themselves to worry about - no foreplay and long, exhausting craziness but instead just a 5-10 minute stint that is over and done with. Perhaps he didnt exactly explain to you in the right way because he is not female and lets face it, we are indeed from two different planets. We are emotional creatures that play in to our physical lives and they are physical primarily and emotional is totally seperate. So for us to understand how they masturbate to other women is entirely foreign sometimes...although its true: its healthy and quite normal. I fear that if you embaress him about it he'll begin hiding it from you and lying and that will unlock a whole new problem in the relationship and would like to prevent it from getting that far. He probably has a more demanding sex drive than you and for him to run off with his magazine is simply his way of allowing for more special, longer, intimate time with you. Again, I think it's their way of being selfish for themselves, an indulgence even. But it sounds to me like he loves you and I definitely wouldnt suggest divorce because unfortunately, many MANY men love their porn and you may fall into another mans arms who has a similar, if not worse, situation.
Author Drea Posted December 9, 2005 Author Posted December 9, 2005 Thats the problem, when we had lived up North my husband had had a drug problem. How we met and actually stayed together I do not know, since I am antidrugs of any kind (alcohol as well,) because of how I was raised and the type of home in which I was raised. When we met he was clean, but when his ex disapeared with their son he went crazy. Thats when I had just gotten pregant with our daughter. Thats also when I checked his e-mail for him (he asked) and I found e-mails from sites he logged into while out "tweeking". Dating services as well as sites for discreet sex. Also when he would go out on his "little trips" he's always come back with loads of pronos and a bottle of lubrication (which made me sure he hadn't cheated, besides he can't lie worth a damn!). I think thats more of the problem, it reminds me of who he was before we moved. I almost lost him, and the whole solo porno thing freaks me out because of who he had been, which I've explained to him. Do you understand?
Outcast Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 because of who he had been, But if he's worked hard on changing, then you need to reward his changed behaviour by not flipping out on him or else he'll go back to the old behaviour since the result is the same. He's being honest with you so you won't worry that he's doing the old stuff.
Author Drea Posted December 9, 2005 Author Posted December 9, 2005 Again I understand outcast, but why should I be the only one being understanding, and making him feel good. His behavior had started just before I got pregnant (although I didn't learn till after I knew I was pregnant) and lasted till I was 6 months along. I used to talk about who he was a lot when he changed, which hurt and drove him insane remembering what an ass he was. An example was when he left me nearly 6months preg at Barnes n noble after dark and closing time with a cell ready to die. Luckily I got ahold of a friend who took me to her house to stay a few nights. Considering our daughter is only 2 1/2 months the wounds are still kinda fresh for me, so why should he not be considerate and give up the solo play? Why should I be the only one to give to make him more comfortable when it's putting distance between us?
Outcast Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 Because you are trying to punish him for all his previous sins, which isn't fair. You need to negotiate with each other and solve your problems together. You're making this the symbol for your issues and you're just going to lose everything with this. I think you two should go see a counsellor because the methods you are trying to use are nonproductive. Anger doesn't heal. Ordering people what to do doesn't help. Punishing someone for old resentments doesn't work.
Author Drea Posted December 9, 2005 Author Posted December 9, 2005 To be honest you just told me what I already know, which even though I know and understand it, I can't seem to help it, but yes, we've already talked about seeing a couns and agreed earlier today to start seeing one.
Outcast Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 yes, we've already talked about seeing a couns and agreed earlier today to start seeing one. Terrific! Good for you!
SMHappyface Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 99% of all straight guys are attracted to porn - though how much they use it may vary. My ex was obsessed with porn and girls - so much that we couldn't walk through a mall without him going "Dang she's a hot ass, I'd throw it in her" or "Yeah bitch, I'd love to go hard on her!" and stuff like that. I guess that was a bit overkill, but you cannot take it personally if a guy enjoys his imagination. Look at your blessings - his fantasies stay in YOUR bedroom and are just in his head (could be worse, he could cheat on you) and he felt close enough to tell you what he was thinking/feeling, very difficult for many guys. Instead of yelling at him, try to find ways to include yourself - offer to become part of the action - outfits, bj's, handjobs, toys WHILE he's involved in the porn. If he still wants to go 100% solo at times, understand. You're married to him, it's not like a relationship gone bad, so try to make it work. U can't change a guy, but you can tell him how your feel. What he does beyond that is his choice. Guys don't want a girl to just watch the porn with him like a sappy love movie - eewww, that creeps them out. Anyways, that's just my two cents worth. 1
Author Drea Posted December 9, 2005 Author Posted December 9, 2005 Oh, we don't just watch porn. If we watch it we're going to enjoy ourselves. We also enjoy making our own little movies for our pleasure. So again it's not as if I'm against porn. It just hurts that my husband would prefer imagining himself with another woman, when he knows I'd help him out in any way. We'll even read books, which is more for me, since I enjoy the reading of sex, more then magz of nude pics. It's also not that our sex life is same old thing everyday. An example would be when we were stuck in traffic going south on the I-5 at night. Really sucked. So I decide to give him a hand job, then him pleasure me. Would have been more, but since I was driving I did the best I could. We are both very outgoing with our sex life as I've said, and he doesn't seem bored and says it's great, both in words and in his eyes. It's just the way him playing solo makes me feel. I try to explain to him, and he even says he understands and would stop. This was a heartfelt conversation, yet, I found out the other day it hadn't stopped. What had happend is we live in a small town. Trying to get a porno here is like expecting it to snow in the destert heat. So we had to get a hustler mag with a free porno dvd. Well, it turns out I found the mag in the bathroom under the sink. It's as if he knows how it makes me feel, yet he doesn't care enough about my feelings to stop. Do you understand?
J dub Posted December 10, 2005 Posted December 10, 2005 You seem to think he is doing this without concern for your feelings, but perhaps he feels the very same way? You are asking him to stop doing something he enjoys which is kinda like punishing him. He doesnt understand and doesnt see what he's done wrong, so he refuses to obide by your standards. I know in your mind if he would just stop, everything would be fine. I'm sure he's thinking the same thing: If she would just accept me for who I am, everything would be great. It works both ways, and really I think perhaps the councelor is the only way to get to the bottom of this. Men dont like to be changed, they want to be loved and accepted for who they are. It's a big thing for them, the acceptance part. For you to regulate who he is would be just like saying you dont love him for him.
Outcast Posted December 10, 2005 Posted December 10, 2005 Men dont like to be changed, they want to be loved and accepted for who they are. It's a big thing for them, the acceptance part. For you to regulate who he is would be just like saying you dont love him for him. I don't get why so many women don't get this. Somehow there are a ton of women who think they have the right to get everything they demand and that men must make all the concessions. It's SO unfair.
Author Drea Posted December 10, 2005 Author Posted December 10, 2005 I'm not trying to change my husband, in fact we had already compromised with the whole porno thing (usually a good idea when your married,) which is actually how I got into it. I hadn't wanted him to watch any type of porn, yet knowing he would so I told him if your going to look or watch porno, I get to be there to participate etc. So he had agreed. It's not as if I'm taking porn away from him, I'm just making it where I have no problem with it, yet he still gets to enjoy it. Our marriage should be a give and take one, not one sided. Just as I had old male friends who were in no way ever going to be anything else, who in fact I have known since childhood. Because it made him too uncomfortable (cheated on by several ex's) I stopped seeing old male friends. It's a sacrifice I made because I love him and don't want to hurt him needlessly. Now I see my old guy buddies with him.
Blondie445 Posted December 19, 2005 Posted December 19, 2005 I dont get it because my husband is jealous when men look at me or make conversation. Yet he looks at nude pictures everyday when I am there willing and able to please him. He tells me no when I have never told him no. I want sex with him and he only wants it once a week with me. Makes me feel like I can not please him and I don't know what to do .. Talking gets me no where. If he uses porn I do not want to know about it. I am jealous he is so selfish when I am right there. My 1st husband (He died) and I had a great sex life and he never used porn that I know of. I am hurt and feel betrayed by him. I would have sex morning, noon and night if that is what it took to please him. Knowing is he to look at other women to get off makes me sick. I could easily have an affair, I am a attractive woman, but I don't. I love him and all else is great in our marriage. If I would have know about his porn use I would have never married him. When you have a partner who is there and will do anything to please you why use porn? Especially if you know how much it hurts the other person. I am having a super hard time with this. I would appreciate any advise. Not all men use porn.. My self esteem is dirt low and I have never felt so bad about myself as now. Any help would be great.
teethbrushes Posted December 19, 2005 Posted December 19, 2005 As a female I don't see much wrong with it. My old boyfriend used to tell me he watched pornos and I didn't really care. I also fantasized about being with other men, so why shouldn't he fantasize about being with other women? I really don't even forsee me holding down a marriage without having a crush on another man...I'm sure I will...I just won't act on it. And I think that's natural. Porn is the same thing. So yes, it is too much to ask to make sure your man is ONLY fantasizing about you. Don't you ever fantasize about other men?
Blondie445 Posted December 20, 2005 Posted December 20, 2005 I dont think it is about asking your husband only to think about you all the time. It might be "natural" to some to think about other women or men but some people dont think about anyone but their spouse. It is hurtful to think the person you love the most is thinking about someone else when you are right there. I personally can not stand the thought of my husband being with another woman even if it is only in his mind. The thoughts are there, he is having sex with someone else it is cheating in my book. I think porn leads to the downfall of marriage, the way God intended it to be. Sex is suppose to be between a husband and a wife (partners) and is intended to bring them closer together. When a husband uses porn he is totally cutting is wife out of the picture. Pure and simple. The problem is today we have all gotten so use to sex being everywhere in our face all the time we see porn as OK. Just look at all the message boards that post these problems that porn causes. All these people who are hurting ,both men and women, because porn breaks down the family and marriage. We all know it is wrong we just make excuses for it. I only wish my husband understood how it is wrecking our marriage. I see him in a different way now. No I did not know he used porn before I married him. He told me something quite different, no strip clubs, bars ect... I know a lot of women whose husbands do not use porn. It is out there, there are normal marriage and relationships out there. Now comes the struggle when you are the spouse that is on the receiving end of the porn issue. Do you leave? I think about it more and more. No matter how much I love him I can not get past this issue. I know I am not the only person out there that feels that way. What do you do? How do you get past an issue that is a major problem to one spouse? I this was drugs or booze we would be singing a different tune. Porn is an addiction. It causes the same endorphins to react in the brain as drugs do. You want more and keep comming back for that feeling. You lose touch with reality and real sex isnt as good as the porn. cant get that same "high". I know I am watching this happen in my marriage right before my eyes. I am sad to read all the posts and people who have nowhere to turn and feel desperate in their relationship. I pray for all of us. Porn is not normal and never will be. Marriage is of God and observed in all cultures. Porn is viewed as wrong. I wish someone had the magic answer I sure need it. I just keep praying.
michaelk Posted December 20, 2005 Posted December 20, 2005 I think porn leads to the downfall of marriage, the way God intended it to be. I doubt porn would lead to the downfall of many marriages if all wives were open and understanding about it. I only wish my husband understood how it is wrecking our marriage. I see him in a different way now. No I did not know he used porn before I married him. Sounds to me like you're being judgemental and doing your fair share of the wrecking. I know a lot of women whose husbands do not use porn. It is out there, there are normal marriage and relationships out there. You know a lot of women who think or claim their husbands don't look at porn. I can tell you reality is quite another matter. Even if it's a Victoria's Secret catalog, men look at dirty pictures and masturbate. Those who don't are in a very small minority. Porn is an addiction. It causes the same endorphins to react in the brain as drugs do. You want more and keep comming back for that feeling. You lose touch with reality and real sex isnt as good as the porn. cant get that same "high". I know I am watching this happen in my marriage right before my eyes. Boy, there's an unsubstantiated assertion. An orgasm is an orgasm, and it feels the same whether you have it during intercourse or while looking at porn. This notion that you "keep coming back for that feeling" and that there is some sort of "high" is dead wrong. All the porn does is give your husband something arousing to look at, which he needs in order to get off. The fact is, you don't know a thing about what's going on in your husband's mind, do you? The notion that he's somehow "lost touch with reality" and thinks "real sex isn't as good" is laughable. What's more likely is that he feels you are being judgemental and that you're not open to understanding his sexual needs. This will cause him to withdraw from you, which will lead to less sex and more porn and masturbation. Or possibly he was already withdrawing from sex before you started nagging him about porn, in which case you need to find out what caused that instead of going off on a wild goose chase.
Blondie445 Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 Maybe I am on a wild goose chase. I am just sick of wanting sex and his looking at porn to get off. This has been going on for several years. He just worked the third shift and only was home 2 nights a week so I dealt with this. Then he was transfered to Kansas City for the last three years and only had limited time home ( sometimes he didnt want sex then) He was layed off fromthe airline about 3 months ago and is home everynight now. Still not interested in sex with me. I havent nagged him about this . I have talked with him twice about my feelings where there has been porn on the computer countless times. Mind you I don t go looking fot it. It jsut pops up or is in the pictures saved, or on the desktop. I have three children who ise this computer and they have seen it too. I guess I do not want to know about it that is all. he just needs to keep it to himself. I dont want to sit down to email my sister and porn be on the desktop. 1
michaelk Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 Maybe I am on a wild goose chase. I am just sick of wanting sex and his looking at porn to get off. <snip> Still not interested in sex with me. I havent nagged him about this . I have talked with him twice about my feelings where there has been porn on the computer countless times. Now you're sounding more rational. Based on what you're saying here, I understand why you're so upset. I don't think porn is the reason your sex life is unsatisfying - it's just someplace for him to hide and you to focus your hurt and anger. You and your husband need to communicate about each of your needs and how you both see the situation. I understand that you've already talked to him, but you need to do it in a way that avoids the porn issue - at least initially. He's already defensive about that. Try approaching it as a discussion about each of your needs and expectations regarding your sex life. Make sure to be open and positive, because accusations and blame will just shut him down. Just focus on why you and he don't seem to be syncing up sexually. Then if he's still not willing to talk you may need to insist that he go to counseling with you. I'm sure it's very common for sexual interest in a married couple to wane. Focus on the problem in an open and communicative manner and you should be able to work through it. Mind you I don t go looking fot it. It jsut pops up or is in the pictures saved, or on the desktop. I have three children who ise this computer and they have seen it too. I guess I do not want to know about it that is all. he just needs to keep it to himself. I dont want to sit down to email my sister and porn be on the desktop. This is another issue entirely. I don't think his porn habits are necessarily a problem, but if he's leaving things on a communal computer for your kids to find, you need to clamp down on that. He's got to take his children's interests to heart and either lock that stuff down or put it on another computer. Porn may be fine for sexually mature men, but children!?!? Still, you might wait a little while to discuss this particular issue until you see if you can make headway on the other. You don't want him to be closed off to discussing your sex life.
Recommended Posts