J dub Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 I really didnt want to have to ever start a new thread on here because that only means one thing: a problem. However, I need some insight from you fabulous LS'ers because my emotions are clouding my judgement. Firstly, a quick overview for anyone who doesnt know my story... I am on month 4 of my "new" relationship w/ the ex of three years. We got back together in august when he came crawling back to me after leaving me. It's been kinda bumpy here and there because obviously I am a little anxious about his motives (if any) and want to be on guard for my heart. The past two weekends, he has been busy in some form or another. Last weekend he worked Fri & Sat although I had to pick him up saturday from work be cause his car broke down and the girls I was with were goin to a bar that I'm not too crazy about. We spent a few hours together saturday and then all day sunday...fine, whatever. Then today, I am all thinking about things we can do this weekend: shop, see a movie, etc...and then that all comes crashing down when he stops by unexpextedly to my place and it comes out that he works all day friday again, and sat he has to help someone move during the day and he has a bachelor party at night. The weekends are supposed to be ours because we're so busy we dont see much of eachother thru the week. Obviously, I am agitated considering its thurs night and he is just now letting me in on his plans for the weekend that dont involve me. The reason I'm bent out of shape about this is because this is what he did before he dumped me this summer. He suddenly had a crazy busy schedule and couldnt fit me in. When i protested, he got pissed and we fought. Then he'd be all "I cant fight with you I am sick of this". so now that I am seeing signs of the sudden "busy-ness" again, I'm getting that feeling again. He offered to just not go to the bachelor party on saturday but I feel like I cant allow him to do that because then I'll just feel pressured to make it worth his while. So I turned that down, he knows I wouldnt agree to something like that. After he told me all of this, I got upset and left the room telling him to just leave and that I am too upset right now. He pulled my hand for me to stop but I resisted and shut him out. He left, and here I am all pissy about the situation... I am thinking I'll just make myself unavailable all weekend. ie, when he calls I wont answer, etc. If he cant make time for me I wont do it either. And the way I am seeing it right now, if I am all "ok baby have fun" about this he'll just see that as a green light to continue this crap. Ok..I just got an SMS from him (he left here over an hour ago for what its worth) that says "I am so sorry baby I am such an a$$ I will make it up to you I love you (and a bunch of hearts)." I dont plan on responding. Thoughts anyone? Am I overreacting?
Roarz Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 You have a good reason to be suspicious since like you said, this what he did before he broke up with you. And not telling you until Thursday kinda sucks, I guess you should hash that out with him. But I think you could be overreacting some considering he did offer to not go to the bachelor party after he found out that not spending any time with you this weekend upset you. He probably didn't think it was that big of a deal to not spend time with you this one weekend, but he tried to fix it when he found out it was. Since he offered to not go, I think this shows he's not "too busy" like before. You shouldn't feel pressured to make it worth his while. A relationship isn't about trying to impress the other person. If he loves you then he will just be glad to be with you, no matter what happens. If it makes you happy then take him up on it. But take all this w/ a grain of salt, you know him and situation better than me. (Just trying to repay you for the good advice you gave me a while back that I shunned . )
Author J dub Posted December 9, 2005 Author Posted December 9, 2005 Thanks Roarz... I will be on the look out, and you are right relationships arent about impressing the other. I dont know why I feel like I am obligated to make it great if he doesnt go to this party...I'm like that I suppose. He offered a couple of times not to go, saying "I wont go I dont want you upset" and all I could think was, "yeah and then you'll hold it above my head the next chance you get". I think I just need to relax and see what he has planned to "make it up to me" as he said in his text. Right now my plan is to do nothing and see where he takes it next. But thanks very much for the response, I appreciate it Also, no problem with the response I gave you a while ago...LS is a place to try to help others to make the right decisions and sometimes we chose to do it our own way despite others' suggestions. It's a learning process and always will be
Outcast Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 bout this is because this is what he did before he dumped me this summer. He suddenly had a crazy busy schedule and couldnt fit me in. When i protested, he got pissed and we fought. Then he'd be all "I cant fight with you I am sick of this". so now that I am seeing signs of the sudden "busy-ness" again, I'm getting that feeling again. You have to understand that even someone who loves you has a life and cannot be tied to your side 24/7. You flip out on him because he's legitimately busy and he'll think you're one of those needy clingy types who can't take a step alone and must have him tied to her. Nobody wants a relationship like that. So yes, you are absolutely overreacting.
Author J dub Posted December 9, 2005 Author Posted December 9, 2005 >You have to understand that even someone who loves you has a life and cannot be tied to your side 24/7. Oh believe me, of the two of us in this relationship I am the one whos usually busier than all get. But it was our understanding that we'd allow for the weekends to be ours so this two-in-a-row ordeal has me suspicious. >You flip out on him because he's legitimately busy and he'll think you're one of those needy clingy types who can't take a step alone and must have him tied to her. Yes absolutely true. I am not upset about the plans themselves, but that he chose not to tell me until the day before the weekend. Thank you for your input
Outcast Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 but that he chose not to tell me until the day before the weekend. Well, if he's anything like me, the weekend arrives too fast. You should discuss expectations in advance and be clear about when you need to hear whether or not you're spending the weekend together. And forgive him if he slips up once in a while.
Still_In_Love Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 JDub, I think you have a right to be somewhat guarded, but be careful of how guarded you become. If he wants to go to the bachelor party, try to approach things differently and support him. If you get bent out of shape, it backs him away from you. You were together for a long time and took a break and he came back to you...after you did the NC routine....so, don't show him that it pisses you off, show him that you can do other things too and he'll miss you and want to be with you! If he doesn't...he's blind and stupid....With the many you have helped here, you obviously have alot to offer!
Author J dub Posted December 9, 2005 Author Posted December 9, 2005 outcast, >Well, if he's anything like me, the weekend arrives too fast. This is true! >You should discuss expectations in advance and be clear about when you need to hear whether or not you're spending the weekend together. Great idea I'll do that >And forgive him if he slips up once in a while I will do my best still in love, >If you get bent out of shape, it backs him away from you Ugh, good point. >he came back to you...after you did the NC routine....so, don't show him that it pisses you off, show him that you can do other things too and he'll miss you and want to be with you! I didnt even think of it that way, I totally agree. >If he doesn't...he's blind and stupid....With the many you have helped here, you obviously have alot to offer! Aww..thanks So what do ya'll suggest I do? I think I'll call tomorrow and say, hey listen...sorry for being so sore about your plans. Go out and have a great time, we'll just hang out sunday. Oh, and another thing: next weekend we are anticipating his longtime friend to come visit (staying with him) so I am expecting another "busy" weekend on his behalf ... piss.
Outcast Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 So what do ya'll suggest I do? I think I'll call tomorrow and say, hey listen...sorry for being so sore about your plans. Go out and have a great time, we'll just hang out sunday. Yep. And you know what? He'll brag about you to his friends. Oh, and another thing: next weekend we are anticipating his longtime friend to come visit (staying with him) so I am expecting another "busy" weekend on his behalf ... piss. Now quit that! His longtime friend is important to him and they deserve some buddy time together. Maybe you can make brunch for them both one of the days before they go do whatever it is they'll be doing.
Author J dub Posted December 9, 2005 Author Posted December 9, 2005 > He'll brag about you to his friends. Interesting...thats all the encouragement I need >Now quit that! His longtime friend is important to him and they deserve some buddy time together. Bah, I know. I am getting greedy with my time with him it seems. >Maybe you can make brunch for them both one of the days Hm...if I do that he's going to think, "who is this girl and what'd she do with my girlfriend?" Good idea!
AmberAriesMom Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 Seems to me this man doesn't have time for a relationship with you. Seems he's only around when nothing else is going on in his life. And it seems the worst part of it is that he doesn't tell you until the last minute. Obviously, he's afraid you'll get mad. Therefore, doesn't that mean he knows he's doing something that will make you mad? And doesn't it follow then that he doesn't care if it makes you mad? (regardless of what he might say...words are cheap) On the other hand, if he's so shallow he has no idea these things make you mad....well, that's not good at all! A bachelor party is one thing. But a friend coming for the weekend is different. Why can't he catch up with this guy during the day and leave the evening for you? Sounds like his guy friends are more important and fun than you are in his life. Sounds like he's taking you for granted. Shows alot about what he wants the women in his life to be. You're doing the right thing in not having time for him either. Just don't do it to punish him or hope it will make him change. That's spelled E M O T I O N A L - R O L L E R C O A S T E R. Give up this ghost of a man. There's someone else out there who will put you first.
a4a Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 No you cannot be with a person 24/7 or expect another person not to have outside interests. IMHO this sounds like a problem that you experienced with this person before and may have played a part in your first break up? May I advise you that you need to set some ground rules for your relationship. It is a tad inconsiderate to change plans on people at the last minute. Work is part of life, you cannot get out of it. But if this becomes a habit eventually you will become resentful and back to square one. Sounds like a positive heart to heart chat is in order. a4a
omegaRED Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 I too agree that you need to cut him slack. Be on guard, sure, but don`t push him away. For all we know, he is really busy, and with the pressure you`re putting him under, he`ll only get frustrated. You know what doesn`t work when we feel someone is "slipping away" (which he is not doing, but you might see it that way), so don`t do it. Do your own things, and let him come to you. Don`t play games, guilt trips, throw tantrums. Show understanding and don`t let things like this frustrate you. It happens. Just don`t make it worse. Let him go to the bachelor party. He needs his life, as do you. Just relax, and do your own things. I know it`s not easy, but think of it as a time you can use for yourself. And i suggest you show some understanding concerning his longtime friend. I know how important my buddies are, and i`ll do anything for them.
fomerlyniceguy Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 But it was our understanding that we'd allow for the weekends to be ours so this two-in-a-row ordeal has me suspicious. QUOTE] Just to make sure was this an expressed contract I.E. "We are so busy during the week we should make every weekend for us". If not you are operating only on a contract you have invented. Had you informed him of your plans before that Thursday and he agreed wholeheartly. If either of these conditions are true then you are totally in the right. Otherwise he is in the position of making whatever plans he feels are ok. I have gotten myself in trouble with this thinking in my marriage I told myself why is she making all these plans she should be spending time with me. Yet I never explained my desire to do something with her. It creates a vicious circle. Turn the tables if he expected that all of your free time be devoted to him you would probably feel stifled and that he was clingy, add on top of that the fact that he hadn't mentioned that to you and just got mad when you did't fulfill his request it would make you nuts. Review your strategy on this and don't shut him out, If he is a good guy and offers to cancel some of his plans for you he won't hold it over your head. If he does then he is making his own contract that you aren't aware of. If in review you feel like you were the cause be more clear about what you want and need. If he is in the wrong call him on his b*ll****, set a firm boundry and stick to it. Men really do respect women who stick up for themselves and what they want.
simon sez Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 The best thing a woman can do when a man does what your man did is to act like it is no big deal. Here is what you SHOULD do and what WILL work to get him to stop this type of behavior....... 1). Tell him HAPPILY to go to his party. 2) YOU make other plans to go out and party where other men will be around. 3)Go out and make sure you have the time of your life. 4)Let him call you the next day after and then you do some small talk, but cut him off short by telling him you are on the other line and will call him right back. 5)Do NOT call him right back... wait until he calls you again 6)when he calls again and reminds you that you told him you would call him right back, then YOU apologize to him and tell him you are sorry,but you have a lot going on and totally forgot. Then tell him AGAIN that you have to get going and will talk to him later. Do not show anger or discontent. Be mysterious and vague... 7)Wait until he calls you again. He will at some point want to nail you down to see what is going on. (he will secretly wonder if you had met another man the night of his party when YOU went out without him) 8) When he asks you what is up and why you are acting weird or whatever, then you tell him nothing is wrong, but that YOU HAD DONE SOME THINKING and that YOU have decided that HE was right. Tell him that you have realized that you BOTH need some time to go out with your friends and that you now realize that you needed it as much as he does.... 9) Then get off the phone quickly and cheerfully. 10) Continue to make your own plans and show him an indedpendent spirit. Make plans for the next few weeks BEFORE he does. Make plans to go out with your girlfriends and then tell him you are sorry, but you have already made plans, but maybe you could do something next week... Follow these ideas and he will be soon chasing you like a lost puppy..... Quit playing his game and play the game that works the best on men... Good luck...
freckles3131 Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 I think if the things he has do do i.e. Work, bachelor party are things he cannot involve you in, and thus are out of his control.....what if you had a bachelorette party to go to...would you really want to hear him getting all pissy with you about it or work stuff? Nope. You would want him to be cool with it and tell you to go have a good time. I understand where you are coming from as it seems to have hit an "old nerve" but....maybe just simply stating how you feel or...keeping yourself othewise occupied would be the route to go. Now...if he is busy with stuff and it's stuff you COULD do with him and he ISN'T including you....different story.
Author J dub Posted December 9, 2005 Author Posted December 9, 2005 1). Tell him HAPPILY to go to his party. 2) YOU make other plans to go out and party where other men will be around. 3)Go out and make sure you have the time of your life. 4)Let him call you the next day after and then you do some small talk, but cut him off short by telling him you are on the other line and will call him right back. 5)Do NOT call him right back... wait until he calls you again 6)when he calls again and reminds you that you told him you would call him right back, then YOU apologize to him and tell him you are sorry,but you have a lot going on and totally forgot. Then tell him AGAIN that you have to get going and will talk to him later. Do not show anger or discontent. Be mysterious and vague... 7)Wait until he calls you again. He will at some point want to nail you down to see what is going on. (he will secretly wonder if you had met another man the night of his party when YOU went out without him) 8) When he asks you what is up and why you are acting weird or whatever, then you tell him nothing is wrong, but that YOU HAD DONE SOME THINKING and that YOU have decided that HE was right. Tell him that you have realized that you BOTH need some time to go out with your friends and that you now realize that you needed it as much as he does.... 9) Then get off the phone quickly and cheerfully. 10) Continue to make your own plans and show him an indedpendent spirit. Make plans for the next few weeks BEFORE he does. Make plans to go out with your girlfriends and then tell him you are sorry, but you have already made plans, but maybe you could do something next week... This is more my style than being a doormat or being all cutesy about the situation. I can see how it works in my favor but also shows him that I will let him do what he wants. Soon he'll see its not really what he wants after all... I'm not a game player, but I am just as aware as the rest that there comes a time to put on a poker face and get on with it. Thanks you guys, I know what I'll do now!
AndrewJ Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 I'm not a game player, but I am just as aware as the rest that there comes a time to put on a poker face and get on with it. Jdub surely you can have fun with ya girls the world desnt revolve around him?
Outcast Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 The best thing a woman can do when a man does what your man did is to act like it is no big deal. Here is what you SHOULD do and what WILL work to get him to stop this type of behavior....... I don't agree at all. Playing games is stupid and usually backfires in your face. IMHO formerlynice guy has it right. It's about COMMUNICATION. It's not about playing mind games. You admitted that you should discuss with him your expectations and that's the mature way to deal with this. Behaving like a spoiled baby and getting back at him using games will just put more distance between you.
Author J dub Posted December 9, 2005 Author Posted December 9, 2005 I'll talk to him when I get a chance, in the meantime I'm not playing games, I just know what to do now to put things right. I've been chasing him and I see it more clearly now -- its pushing him away and would explain his sudden change of actions. I dont see how my feeling like he's putting all his friends before me is acting like a baby, especially because I didnt yell or cry, scream or shout. I walked away. Perhaps I should have just blown it off or whatever, but obviously I didnt and now I need to find a way to fix whats happened. But, to each their own I suppose
Author J dub Posted December 9, 2005 Author Posted December 9, 2005 Jdub surely you can have fun with ya girls the world desnt revolve around him? No my world definitely doesnt revolve around him. Perhaps the reason this agitates me so much is because usually its him who's pissed at me for having too much going on, so when he turns around and does it to me I am in shell shock because - in my head - how dare he? I can find other things to do, its just very difficult to round up the girls last minute like this. They too have lives
grace2005 Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 No you cannot be with a person 24/7 or expect another person not to have outside interests. IMHO this sounds like a problem that you experienced with this person before and may have played a part in your first break up? May I advise you that you need to set some ground rules for your relationship. It is a tad inconsiderate to change plans on people at the last minute. Work is part of life, you cannot get out of it. But if this becomes a habit eventually you will become resentful and back to square one. Sounds like a positive heart to heart chat is in order. a4a If I were her I would write down those ground rules on paper and post them somewhere visible so they both will remember them as often as possible! Write down the ground rules and the penalties for violation and both sign it like a contract.
grace2005 Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 One of the penalties that might work on him is no sex for a month. no getting naked in bed. make him sleep in his underwear. the teasing will torment him.
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