P1xie Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 My boyfriend has a nine year old son. It's so hard for me. I don't have children. I love kids but our views are way different when it comes to raising them. Well we have him every weekend. He has a mother so I'm not trying to be his mother. This is so hard for me. I don't connect with his son at all. I've tried to take him fishing, horseback riding but I can't reach him. He has no imagination and would rather play video games or watch TV. Yes I've tried to sit and play games and TV as well. There is no structure here which drives me crazy. He's nine years old and my BF lets him ride his bike all over the neighborhood until sometimes after nine at night. I dread when he becomes a teenager because of the freedom he's getting now. I did convince him to at least make him ask before leaving and check in. Only because I go aren't you embarrassed when someone asks where your son is and you don't know. Another situation (trying to make this short) His son broke the dish satellite remote. A replacement remote cost $50.00 luckily I got one ebay for $6.96. I asked my BF to give his son a small chore to earn the money. He basically laughed and said beat him (not literally) by him saying that was like it's no big deal that he destoyed the remote. He was being sarcastic. I asked him don't you want to teach him the value of the dollar so he doesn't destroy more things. It was no accident he took the remote apart. Again he laughs and says go ahead beat him I don't know what to do I'm at my wits end. He gets mad at me when he sees me interact with other children. Like saying you like so and so's kid better than mine.
Touche Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 I feel for you, believe me. I've been in your shoes. There are a couple of issues here. Firstly, he's not your stepson. So, don't want to sound harsh here, but you don't have much influence here. Secondly, the fact that you don't connect with the child, makes it even harder for you to have any say in how he's raised. He's only there on the weekends so it's not like you have to deal with this all the time. That's about the only thing I can say to try to make you feel better about this. Are you considering marrying this man? If you are these issues need to be resolved before that. But are you even engaged? See what I mean? These issues are difficult even when you're engaged or married but as the g/f, it's nearly impossible. It's clear he's not open to your constructive criticisims. I would not say anything anymore. I really wouldn't. He'll end up fighting with you and siding with his child and you'll feel worse. Since it's only on the weekends, I'd suck it up. Like I said, this situation CAN be changed but it's very unlikely that you can do it as his g/f. I know. I've been where you are. Oh, and if he gets mad when you're interacting with other kids, why don't you tell him the truth. That his child is overindulgent and spoiled. That he's a nice kid but that this happens so often with children of divorce. I'd be honest with your b/f but in a direct and non-confrontational way. Good luck and try to just enjoy the time you have with your b/f when the child isn't around. That's about the best advice I can give you.
slubberdegullion Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 Why are you with this guy ? Yeah! P1xie should be with me instead. No kids, therefore no step-kid hassles. I even do my own laundry, cooking, and I actually put the seat down too!
Author P1xie Posted December 9, 2005 Author Posted December 9, 2005 Touche: I have told him the truth. He actually said I know my kid is warped, so was I and I got through. I told him don't you want to help him through it. He acts more as he calls his son "His little buddy than his dad". Maybe I was raised different but I've known this kid for four years now. At five he never had a kite, he didn't learn to ride a bike until last year. Has hard time reading. I gave him his first kite, taught him to ride a bike and tried to get him to read with me. He's nine and does not know how to swim. We live by rivers and it's a big past time for adults and kids. He has to sit on the shore basically getting made fun of by his friends. I tried to teach him even took him to a swim center but he's just really afraid and I'm not going to push him. He trusts his dad so much I wish he would take the time to teach him. He says I can discipline him but at the same time example, boys friend comes over takes a backpack and borrows the playstation even though father said no. Father sees playstation gone asks son, son don't answer. I go to son ask him he tells the truth. Son has another friend over at the same time, I tell friend to go home because son is grounded for the day for disobeying. Also tell son that I will talk to his other friend when he comes over about not taking things from our house when he was there when dad said no. Father later tells son if he was him he would tell friend to wait until next week to have his friend over. I tell him forget it I won't say anything. So it's like let me discipline but then side up with him and make me the bad guy. We are engaged. We were suppose to be married last August but financial circumstances made us postpone it. I think you are right though I need to just let go and suck it up for the weekends and holiday vacations.
933KJL Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 You are not the disciplinarian. My ex got remarried and our kids' docs all said the same thing. The new step dad assumes the role of babysitter for the first 18 to 24 months. The birth parent is the boss and the step parent is the sitter taking direction from the boss. But you two are engaged, and you need to get this ironed out, because at some point you wiill be the disciplinarian. There is a good chance he may want to come live with you all full time and in most states they can make that decision on their own at age 14. This will be a major thing especially when you two have kids of your own--if you plan on it. Just some food for thought
penkitten Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 my fiance and my ex husbands fiance are both very involved with our children. with wedding dates set, and the fact that they have both been a part of our children's lives for awhile, we ask our children to treat them both as step parents now. they are to mind a step parent just as they would one of us parents. they are to give respect also. if they dont then either me or their father gets on to them and they have to apologize. one child has even gotten grounded for disobeying a step parent before because he was testing him. in our family, our kids have rules and chores at my house and at my exs which are basically the same . they are raised that they have two parents in this home and two in that home. if anything ever happens to me , god forbid, their step mother would be raising them just as i would. good thing i love and respect her.
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