mememememe Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 I think there is a fine line between being direct/giving signals and being downright mean. My question is, at what point do you get downright mean in telling a guy to lay off? I like to meet a lot of people out socially. I like to network and help other people with jobs, hookups, etc. I'm just social. About 90% of the men I meet usually know if I am or am not interested based on our level of communication and I don't have to explain why I'm not interested if I'm not. However there are those exceptions who JUST DON'T get it.... I met this guy last week -- very, very attractive. Harvard Grad. A lot to say. But the chemistry between us was not there. I decided to try for one date, though. He made a lot of comments that I thought were naive, judgemental and ignorant. None of them offended me, and they weren't worth calling him out on, but needless to say I was not interested. All of the sudden I find myself just listening to him RAMBLE on and on and on about God knows WHAT. Then, he proceeds to tell me that he wonders what will come of "us". He starts grilling me about why I can't see him the very next day when I live an hour away. He grills me about everything in a nice way, but WTF???? So, he then continues to not only call me, but make me feel guilty for not hanging out with him at 1am on a weeknight! I told him I was busy. What is up with these people who don't hear "no" unless you are screaming it at them? I know how to handle it, stop returning calls and be direct. But it's so hard for me to be direct when I worry about being mean. I'm not leading him on, but how come people don't get it???? Point and case, last night I told him "today has been crazy...I'm just going to hang with friends tonight" and he says, "I would really rather see you tonight, I'm leaving for out of town tomorrow". I again had to tell him no nicely...at which point he negated again, practically begging me to see him. Are people socially retarded?? And why would they want to torture themselves with someone they know is not intersted in them, but too polite to say "F OFF"?
reader Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 Why don't you just tell him he is a nice guy but you are not interested in continuing seeing him? "Busy" is too openended. Just my opinion...
Art_Critic Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 He/they think you are just playing hard to get.. if you are not direct we chase.. It's that simple.. it's not about reading signals sometimes.. The chase gene is built into us.. we love the challenge uness we are faced with the direct you are not interested speech.
Author mememememe Posted December 9, 2005 Author Posted December 9, 2005 yes he is a harvard grad. i couldn't be more blunt with him; the first night we hung out i told him i have no room for a relationship with anyone, it is at the bottom of my list. i found out that this guy just DOES this.....i met a couple of other girls who happened to tell me how he hounded them until they had men answer their phones. sounds like he is in denial.
westernxer Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 Looks like he still needs to graduate from the school of hard knocks.
Yamaha Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 If your hot you will just have to get used to being pursued. Most women who are pursued learn how to handle men they are not interested in so you will just have to develop your version that works for you.
travellingman Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 do you like the way he pursues you? otherwise, I can't figure out why you just haven't said you're not interested and don't want to see him.
johan Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 I can't figure out why you just haven't said you're not interested and don't want to see him. Uh. I think because... What is up with these people who don't hear "no" unless you are screaming it at them? I know how to handle it, stop returning calls and be direct. But it's so hard for me to be direct when I worry about being mean. You have to read the post before you respond to it. The question isn't "what do I do?", the question is "why don't people understand when you aren't interested?" The answer is this: some guys are blinded by your beauty. And either they can't hear you because they are doing all the talking, or they can't hear you because they are hearing wedding bells.
justsomeguy Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 Tell him. Why would a guy want to assume that if a girl says she is busy that it is because she doesn't want him. That would be a bad self image. Plus what is the problem of saying you aren't interested. You don't have to go into detail.
noclobber Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 i wud suggest that u be direct and tell him - "i don't have romantic feelings for you" and stop there. if u r being indirect then he will think u r playing hard to get. if u tell "u r a nice guy but..." then he will think "if i am a nice guy then why don't u go out with me"... just do that poor guy a favor by being direct!
Cecelius Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 i couldn't be more blunt with him; the first night we hung out i told him i have no room for a relationship with anyone, it is at the bottom of my list. That is not being blunt -- all men have seen a woman swearing not to want a relationship end up engaged two weeks later... He is just trying to to see if he is the right guy (and he clearly has problems with perception).
Grinning Maniac Posted December 10, 2005 Posted December 10, 2005 Look babydoll, you're clearly not the brightest bulb in the box so let me explain something to you. If you want to get rid of a guy, then TELL HIM YOU DON'T LIKE HIM. If you're too cowardly to just politely inform guys that you aren't interested in them...then don't go on dates. It's that simple. Don't say that you're busy five night in a row. Don't say that you're just looking for friends right now. It doesnt matter if you're "not looking for a relationship". That means nothing. If he was just looking for a booty call and you were too, you STILL wouldn't call back! Why? Because you don't want to be shagging HIM! Just tell him that he's not your type and wish him luck in finding someone else. STOP THE BULL****. Is double-speak so ingrained in women these days that none of you can say what you really feel until you're at the breaking point? Get a friggin grip. The fact that you treat this guy like some ignorant burden on your life, when the situation is CLEARLY of your own making, is just unbelievable. Yeah...you definately are blunt. Blunt-headed. Your frustration is your own fault. You make up lame excuses to get out of dates, and tell the guy half truths, and then whine whine whine about why the guy didn't "take the hint". How about you stop giving guys "hints", Princess? How sad is it that you can spit reams of text on a message board about why you don't want to be with this guy...but when it comes to talking to the man himself, all that you can dribble out of your mouth is garbage? Don't even whine about not wanting to hurt his feelings with honesty because that's the lamest excuse in the book. Are you so clueless that you don't realize it HURTS a guy when he thinks that you like him (even though you don't) and suddenly you start to slooowwwly ignore him and avoid him at all costs? Come on. Nobody can be that dumb. You're not sparing the guy's feelings. You're only prolonging the hurt! If you had just told him at the end of the date that you didnt like him, he would have been pissed for maybe one night at the most. He would have gotten over it and moved on. But instead you just drag it on and on and on. Pathetic! What in the world is with you ladies who just don't have the guts to say "Not interested. Sorry." It's not that hard to do. Do you think the guy's going to kill himself or something? Step up to the plate and handle your business. Nobody should have to decode your bull**** in order to get a message. The men here who condone it aren't much better. Do you guys really feel that we should have to go through head games like that? Wouldn't you rather just hear the truth from the get-go and start looking elsewhere? I can't imagine a single one of you who actually enjoys this idiotic crap. Man up if I'm wrong. MEMEME, this is a ridiculous approach. Don't get mad when it doesn't work. Try a different approach. Preferably one with some honor and class. Here's a thought. Try having more brain cells than most women when it comes to this subject. You'll be far ahead of the pack. I sure as hell don't date women who play head games. Grow a spine. It makes life more comfortable. You won't have to deal with "clueless" men anymore...
Author mememememe Posted December 10, 2005 Author Posted December 10, 2005 you do make some valid points. Do take into consideration that you can't judge the exact context of the situation, though. to be honest, when girls say they don't want to hurt feelings, it often IS because they are girls and more soft when it comes to hurting. guys get it out easier. and to clear things up, this is the first guy who has pursued me after I told him I don't want to pursue dating anyone. i thought that was direct enough. i'm not spineless. i enjoy many guy friends who don't flip just because i only want a friendship. so what. suck it up and be friends with a girl............SHE HAS OTHER FEMALE FRIENDS. i will take into consideration what you have said and find a more direct way to deal with men in the future. by the way, men can be JUST as coy and misdirecting about their feelings/emotions. i have been "strung along" a couple of times by guys I thought really liked me, only they were probably deciding between a couple of different women and stopped calling me unless i called them first. it works both ways. lastly, if it takes you FIVE or more phone calls and you are STILL not getting the reaction you want from a female, YOU are just as "blunt-headed" as you say I am. i'm not offended by your post, i will tactfully tell him i am not interested...........again, but this time, with umfffff. you are right in that me being "nice" is sending him a mixed signal. if he still wants to be friends, then that's his call.
Grinning Maniac Posted December 10, 2005 Posted December 10, 2005 He didn't want to be your friend in the first place... Did he? to be honest, when girls say they don't want to hurt feelings, it often IS because they are girls and more soft when it comes to hurting. guys get it out easier. Yes, and I explained why their soft approach ultimately does more harm than good. You still hurt the guy, but because it wasn't because of anything which you *directly* said or did, you consider yourselves spotless. It's passive. It's useless.
Moai Posted December 10, 2005 Posted December 10, 2005 I think there is a fine line between being direct/giving signals and being downright mean. My question is, at what point do you get downright mean in telling a guy to lay off? I like to meet a lot of people out socially. I like to network and help other people with jobs, hookups, etc. I'm just social. About 90% of the men I meet usually know if I am or am not interested based on our level of communication and I don't have to explain why I'm not interested if I'm not. However there are those exceptions who JUST DON'T get it.... Tell me about it! I met this guy last week -- very, very attractive. Harvard Grad. A lot to say. But the chemistry between us was not there. I decided to try for one date, though. He made a lot of comments that I thought were naive, judgemental and ignorant. None of them offended me, and they weren't worth calling him out on, but needless to say I was not interested. You are really nice to have even given him a chance. I have found that if it is just not there, it's my "little man inside" telling me to run for it. I have ignored him in the past, to my regret and peril. All of the sudden I find myself just listening to him RAMBLE on and on and on about God knows WHAT. Then, he proceeds to tell me that he wonders what will come of "us". He starts grilling me about why I can't see him the very next day when I live an hour away. He grills me about everything in a nice way, but WTF???? This recently happened to a friend of mine. She was on the first date with a guy and he kept asking here how things were going, where she thought the relationship was headed, etc. Way to kill any chance you had, bro! Sounds like this guy did the same thing. So, he then continues to not only call me, but make me feel guilty for not hanging out with him at 1am on a weeknight! I told him I was busy. What is up with these people who don't hear "no" unless you are screaming it at them? I know how to handle it, stop returning calls and be direct. But it's so hard for me to be direct when I worry about being mean. I'm not leading him on, but how come people don't get it???? They obviously don't teach social skill at Harvard! Point and case, last night I told him "today has been crazy...I'm just going to hang with friends tonight" and he says, "I would really rather see you tonight, I'm leaving for out of town tomorrow". I again had to tell him no nicely...at which point he negated again, practically begging me to see him. Warnig sign! Warning sign! The guy sounds like a would-be stalker. Are people socially retarded?? And why would they want to torture themselves with someone they know is not intersted in them, but too polite to say "F OFF"? I don't think that he knows. You really should just tell him to f**k off. Tell him that there probably is a woman out there for him, that it isn't you, and he shouldn't waste time on you and go find her! That's all he'll understand--I hope, for your sake. I have seen it where that didn't even work. Doing that to him would actually be the nicest thing you could do for him. Ironic though that is.
westernxer Posted December 10, 2005 Posted December 10, 2005 It's funny... some guys won't take no for an answer. Others won't waste their time if you start making excuses, because anything that isn't a yes is a no. Sometimes a girl ends up pursuing me when I back off. By that point I'm already over her. The games never end, that's for sure.
Author mememememe Posted December 10, 2005 Author Posted December 10, 2005 well that guy who was pissed off at the ambivalent behavior of women in general -- he posted a few posts ago -- i took his words to heart. although maybe this guy wasn't the most intuitive, it doesn't mean that the others who have been intuitive enough to figure me out haven't been hurt and i couldn't have saved them time. i called this guy this morning and told him, "listen, i don't want to be rude to you and i'm sorry i have avoided some of your texts. i think you are direct, communicative, and you deserve respect. you are such a great catch and have so much on the ball, and i have to tell you i feel no chemistry between us to date at all. however i do think you are a fine person and you shouldn't be wasting your time or thoughts on me when you can have any girl out there. you have a lot to offer and i hope you understand what i am saying...i can't expalin why some people have chemistry an dothers don't, and i just thought i would be direct with you." i told him also i would still like to hang out in a group at some point down the road, but only platonically. i told him maybe through me he can at least meet some of the types of girls he claims he never meets. he was really, really nice and really appreciated my honesty. he said to keep in touch and he'd do the same. you know, sometimes when you get overwhelmed by people and you think being too blunt will be mean, you are really making an excuse for not appropriately reaching them directly enough. people are not block heads and they shouldn't be miscommunicated with. i am tough to read as it is, so i need to work on clarifications. yes, this guy came on too strong and perhaps that made me run, but at least i told him exactly how i feel. i followed up our phone call with a text message and he wrote back with a big smile and a thank you, saying "you are too nice : ) ". so, i think although i was really just waiting it out to see if i WAS interested and in the process got bombarded with calls and texts and questions, i should have made a quicker decision about my interest in him. i tried to spell it out, but he didn't read it. he needs to work on some sh.t too so hopefully he can learn from this.
Grinning Maniac Posted December 10, 2005 Posted December 10, 2005 See that? He didn't go slitting his wrists. He actually appreciated the gesture and thought better of you for doing so. Didn't that work out better than playing "mobile phone hide n seek" for the next two months? IMO, that was a matchless response, one in one-thousand, and I can think of no better way in which you could have stated your feelings. If you were here, I would be inclined to give you a huge bear hug and a kiss on the forehead. You've put a smile on my face. It's not often that LS threads produce happy endings other then "Screw you LS punks, I'm doing what I decided to do before I wrote the thread." For whatever it's worth, I'm proud of ya. (Now if you could only teach this technique to your friends who resort to "having men answer the phone for them". Oh what a splendid dream... ) Honesty is never a bad thing. Best wishes, Grinning Maniac
ms_jnj Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 He/they think you are just playing hard to get.. if you are not direct we chase.. It's that simple.. it's not about reading signals sometimes.. The chase gene is built into us.. we love the challenge uness we are faced with the direct you are not interested speech. This HAS to be true. To the OP: I have the exact same problem as you. I try to let the guy down nicely...it never works, they just won't give up. I feel like I have to be a bitch to show that I am not interested. Even statements like "I'm taking a break from dating right now" (true at the time) didn't prove to be discouraging enough. Sigh.
Outcast Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 That's a really good way of putting it, multipleMes. Nicely composed I might just have to borrow it.
Grinning Maniac Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 ms_jnj...see the problem is that men can look at that kind of response as: "Oh well she's dated some real wankers in the past, but after she gets to know ME, you can bet you ass she'll be ready to get back on the horse!" It's pointless for you to even say "taking a break" because even if it's true, it's not communicating what you REALLY mean: "I'm not into you. Sorry." Just say what you mean. *hits you over the head with a cardboard tube*
lindya Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 i called this guy this morning and told him, "listen, i don't want to be rude to you and i'm sorry i have avoided some of your texts. i think you are direct, communicative, and you deserve respect. you are such a great catch and have so much on the ball, and i have to tell you i feel no chemistry between us to date at all. Reading your response, I'm totally impressed. There's a great balance between being honest and direct, but also being considerate of the other person's feelings. You took a difficult issue, and you tackled it head on - yet with sensitivity. It's too tempting to either avoid those situations altogether or handle them with a level of bluntness that verges on cruelty. Nice touch, too, about hanging out platonically so that he can have the opportunity to meet some of your friends. You never know....he and one of your buddies might be the answer to eachother's dreams!
seachange Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 I was just looking on here for ideas about how to tell a guy I went on one date with yesterday - who in the past 18 hours since our date has emailed three times, and also called and texted me to see when he could see me again - that it just didn't click for me. And behold, I found this thread! Thanks Grinning Maniac and me x 5. Wonderful loveshack, you guys always have good answers. Question for Moai: This recently happened to a friend of mine. She was on the first date with a guy and he kept asking here how things were going, where she thought the relationship was headed, etc. Way to kill any chance you had, bro! Sounds like this guy did the same thing. What did your friend do in this case?
HowStupidAmI Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 It's funny... some guys won't take no for an answer. Others won't waste their time if you start making excuses, because anything that isn't a yes is a no. Sometimes a girl ends up pursuing me when I back off. By that point I'm already over her. The games never end, that's for sure. It's the panic thing. You know, you're on a date with a really hot girl, it turns out you have nothing in common and the conversation's running dry (but she *is* really hot!), and you can see the 'i don't want a second date' coming. So you can either; a) Cooly beat her to it, say you don't think you have much in common, while throwing in a cleverly worded compliment about how hot she looks knowing the fact you come across as not interested will probably make her want you, in the bizarre world of women's minds, or; b) Start desperately trying to convince her you really do have stuff in common and you'll take her somewhere really nice the next date and buy flowers and you really love her and it's like fate and you've not met anyone like her in ages and... Even though I know a) is the right move, I always have the instinct to do b). Fortunately unless the girl is supermodel hot (in which case I'm just screwed) I can pull off a), but for the poor bastards out there who don't know this fact a date with a girl like the OP can be enduring torture.
Recommended Posts