artistlover Posted December 8, 2005 Posted December 8, 2005 In a previous relationship, I was in a bad situation—very bad. My friends turned away from me b/c they couldn’t take it. I was being abused very badly, emotionally and neither I nor my friends and family could believe that I stayed. It was so odd—he was so charming and then he would lose it, manipulate me and then come back. I kept blaming myself for everything. Anyway, after it was all done, my self esteem dropped. I’m working on rebuilding it but I’m sensitive to things and am easily frightened and upset. And I am also ashamed of the past—ashamed that I allowed the abuse to take place and let my spirit be broken. My friends describe it as a classic battered wife syndrome. Months have passed and I thought I was ready to get into a new relationship. But it wasn’t until my feelings developed that I became scared. I’m sensitive about feeling like an object, having an opinion, feelings of lustfulness towards me instead of love. Sexual perversions make me uneasy—before it was fun and games, but now it worries me. The new boyfriend wants the details of what happened with the ex. I said, in time—that I wasn’t ready to tell him. He knows some stuff but not everything. I explained the above to him and he got off the phone feeling very weird. After I said I almost lost my friends, he said to me that maybe he didn’t want to know and I asked “why, b/c your feelings may change for me?” and he said “yes.” I know my friends couldn’t deal with the fact that I was so weak from this last relationship. And now I’m so insecure—which is very unsexy. I think I just lost him—I just don’t know what’s happened to me. And part of me is enraged that he could feel that way—but part of me feels as if I sabotaged things and set it up that way.
Outcast Posted December 8, 2005 Posted December 8, 2005 I know my friends couldn’t deal with the fact that I was so weak from this last relationship. Well they're not friends then. Have you gotten counselling? Relationships like the one you had can do a great deal of damage to people - the kind of damage that people can't just fix for themselves. And part of me is enraged that he could feel that way—but part of me feels as if I sabotaged things and set it up that way. Both are possible. One thing is sure - you don't want a bf who has no empathy for what you've been through. So if this guy wanted to pretend you were fine so he wouldn't have to deal with your past, he wasn't worth having.
EnigmaXOXO Posted December 8, 2005 Posted December 8, 2005 The new boyfriend wants the details of what happened with the ex. I said, in time—that I wasn’t ready to tell him. He knows some stuff but not everything. I explained the above to him and he got off the phone feeling very weird. After I said I almost lost my friends, he said to me that maybe he didn’t want to know and I asked “why, b/c your feelings may change for me?” and he said “yes.” People aren't nearly afraid of what they know as much as they are what they don't know. I think if I were in your boyfriends shoes, I'd be more anxious and weirded out just knowing there was some mysterious bomb-shell that was going to be dropped on me just as soon as you felt more comfortable. That sort of thing tends to make one a bit twitchy. It would make it nearly impossible for me to relax or ever get comfortable just anticipating when it was going to happen or what I was going to find out. If you plant that kind of seed, his imagination will take over. It might even explain why he made the comment that he did. He's probably already imagining the most horrible kinds of scenarios. So what's worse? Him freaking out and taking off before he ever has a chance to discover that the big secret you've been keeping really isn't all that bad -- OR -- telling him what happened so that you can know for sure whether or not he is willing to accept you, history and all??
JoL Posted December 10, 2005 Posted December 10, 2005 Hi artistlover, I was in a similar situation to you last year as well...I was with a really emotionally/verbally abusive and manipulative guy who made my year a living hell. But let me tell you something, the next guy i decide to commit to and allow myself to fall in love with, will need to just understand that this was something that happened in my past and has made the person i am today- for good or bad. If someone cant accept this about my past then i would say im better off without them. We have already been through enough, we dont need someone new making us feel bad about the situation all over again. If your current boyfriend cant accept the things in your past, then really, is he worth having around? We all do dumb things and make mistakes- but hell, you got out of that relationship didnt you? It takes a strong person to cut the cord with an abuser. If his feelings change towards you (for the worse) then i would say that this guy doesnt have the capacity to understand or support you. Any logical boyfriend would be furious that someone treated someone he loves like this, he wouldnt be mad/upset with you! I can understand you would be quite vunerable, i felt the same for several months after my breakup.. but again, a supportive boyfriend would stand by you and try to work through those feelings with you, not turn his back on you. But you really need to tell him what happened before jumping to conclusions. He may think the situation is a lot worse than it is, he may think it's totally something else... So i would say the first thing to do is speak with him about the situation and then allow him the chance to react....if his reaction is negative or harsh towards YOU i would say you may wish to re-think this relationship. You have already been through hell with one guy who used and abused you, you dont need to be in a relationship with someone who again makes you feel bad and ashamed.
kitkat826 Posted December 10, 2005 Posted December 10, 2005 Everyone has a past, and everyone has things in it that are rough or sensitive patches. I think that main issue here is that you are not at peace with your past. When you enter a new situation with a lack of confidence about it, that feeling and insecurity is sensed by him and may "scare him off". Nevertheless, if he truly cares about you and wants to be with you, he will love you not just in spite of your weaknesses and rough patches, but *for* your weaknesses and rough patches. I would encourage you to be open with him about it as much as possible...the worst he can do is not be supportive...in which case you will know automatically that it is not meant to be.
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