Tenderheart Posted December 8, 2005 Posted December 8, 2005 I had been divorced for quite a few years and have teen children. I had a few dating relationships before I met Brent. I met him at an online dating site. He at first told me he was divorced, then about a month later after we had met up with each other again, he told me his divorce wasn't final yet, but was in the process. They had been seperated for 11 months, she had cheated on him, verbally abused him, took off on trips w/o him and actually financially destroyed his credit line, etc. after 10 yrs. of marriage. We finally met in person, after talking up to 18 hours a day (continual talking) on the phone for 2 weeks. We clicked right away, had so much in common, dreams, goals, interests, family morals and so on. We started talking about marriage the first week we met. He even said how we connected on an intellectual (mental) aspect in addition to the physical part. We spent many many hours on the phone when we weren't together. He started staying at my house to have more time together, when we didn't go out of town together on trips. His wife (or was to be ex soon) came back in the picture...suddenly wanting to work out the marriage. All his friends and family said his "wife" had something up her sleeve and had an alterior motive...of hurting him. He said he was comletely torn as to what to do...and that he had stated to me a few weeks before he had fallen in love with me and never felt this way...even with his wife. But after 2 weeks of battling in his mind what do to....he decided he had to give his marriage one last try (only reason being they had 10 yrs together and the guilt he had for her wanting to work the marriage out)....even though he had extremely strong emotional, caring feelings for me along with being in love with me. He went back to her 2 weeks ago....and ended up calling me last night after coming to town and drove past my work and home. We talked over 5 1/2 hrs. He wanted to see how I was doing, and that he had been thinking of me constantly every day, and that he still cares deeply for me and that his heart was breaking along with mine. He said he hoped he made the right decision based on the right reasons. But that he and his wife were in the process of trying to work it out still. I am so heart broken, cry intensly daily, feel like my heart has been ripped to shreds, constantly thinking of him and missing him greatly. I had asked if the marriage didn't work out....to call me. He said he'd definately call me if it didn't work out. What do I do.....I can't hate him for anything he's done......I have complete reason to believe he has been totally honest with me throughout the relationship....so there's no doubt about him playing me or any sort of lie/leading me on. Do I move on? How do I move on? What do I do? How can I go on?
travellingman Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 I can see that you are very upset, and it is horrible to go through. I wish I could say something to cheer you up, but you will get over this. Yes, it is time to move on. The lying about being divorced was a big problem, and I would have said something when you found out he wasn't. There was no reason for him not to be truthful there. Also the 10 years we've been together line is pure nonsense. When it's over, it's over. He clearly thought there was a chance to save it, and would have thought that way if they had been married for 10 months. You ended the post with the observation that he's been honest. But he hasn't been. That says to me that you've built him up to be something greater than he is. I've done that before, and quite honestly, I think some women have done that with me. Nonetheless, he clearly saw something in you, and undoubtedly someone else will too. But you need to give yourself a little more credit, and confront blantant lying when it happens.
Sami_D Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 He's one big liar and manipulator. Leaving aside the M bit for a while, and looking at how you met. The rush to get involved with you at the beginning, declarations of how he felt ('never like this before' 'you're the only one' etc.) after so short a time, talking of marriage, etc. etc. All those are classic signs of a damaged individual who may well go on to damage you. Look up the warning signs of abusive individuals... their Rs always start as a whirlwind. Mine did too. He may be portraying himself as 'the abused' in his last R, but these things often go hand in hand. Then there's the fact he lied to you at the beginning about being M. Then there's the all-too-common going back to the (abusive, financial nightmare? of a) W despite the fact that he claimed all that perfect situation thing with you. That's another classic piece of behaviour - indecisive MM. And that won't change. He tells you he's as hurt about all this as you..? Yeah, right. He's done nothing but lie and misrepresent things to you since he first met you. All he's trying to do is to get you to continue to buy into all this. And the W. Can you be sure that she is as he's portrayed? If this was an abusive R he was involved in, it is incredibly difficult for an outsider (and that includes close friends and relatives) to determine exactly which of the people involved is 'the abuser'. To the outside world, the one abusing often looks like 'the perfect gentleman', the 'perfect wife'. And since he's lied to you once at least for certain, you can't believe anything he says. AND... (just imagining he's telling the truth about her for a moment) if someone has been in an abusive R (AND wants to walk back into it, as he's claiming he 'wants to work on it') they're not mentally fit to be involved with another person until they've been through some serious therapy and had a long-time break from Rs. So to answer your questions. Yes, you DO move on. You may well have had a lucky escape. I would suggest reading up on MM who have As, cake-eating (lying to manipulate) behaviour, signs of an abuser. These will help you to examine his behaviour more objectively, and to stop rationalising it. That will be your first step to recovery. Please don't buy into his stuff any longer. Tell him you don't want to hear from him unless he's D, and then you'll consider a R with him once he's been in therapy. Then go NC (No Contact).
Drea Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 This sounds to me as though he feels afraid of being left behind or alone. He went to you, yet still held onto his wife. He had 10 years with her he said, and has to try to work things out basically. In other words he's had 10 years with her, which means he feels she is a safer bet of staying with. He is a coward, and sorry to say worthless and selfish. If he really loved you he would have never called you, even to check up on you. He would want you to be happy and move on, not make this harder on you.
Tenderheart Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 When I met him late summer (online), his "ad" mentioned he was divorced. I talked a few times, then I started to date another for a few weeks. About a month later, I spoke with him via e-mail and instant messaging. It was at this time I decided to ask him about how long he was divorced, and he came straight out and said he had stated the divorce part on his ad, because he felt the divorce would have been final by that time. He xplained where the divorce was at (they had to hold up and refile due to him and his wife going through bankruptcy, filing married rather than divorced saved him paying so much per month on the payments).
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