lght Posted December 8, 2005 Posted December 8, 2005 We were happily married for a year and a half in wichita. then we moved down to florida because I got a great job in july 2004. For her was hard since she left everything for me. Then problems came out, she hated florida, her job and everything else. She got depressed, and wanted to come back, but i was just beggining my career and she had agreed when we came to FL. We had misunderstandings, and some arguments, and then she left 6 months ago, she took one car, money and her belongings and went to live with her parents in wichita. I was devastated. We tried to work things out and decided to keep the relationship from the distance. But for my was really hard, I was alone, I missed her all the time and I couldn't get used to the distance. We saw eachother every 3 weeks, but it wasn't enough for me. Then in my rush of getting back together I put pressure onte her shoulders, and argue constantly for being separated. A month ago she got confused and asked me for a week, and 3 weeks ago she told me that she wants the divorce. We haven't spoken more than 2 times during that time and she is already moving forward. I haven't called her, I haven't beg her and anything like that. I am trying to give her a lot of space and hopefully she will get softer, but i doubt it. I don't know what to do and i don't know how to get her back. I am willing to quit my job now and go back, but if she doesn't want me, i just don't want to take the risk. She suffers of depression and bipolar dissorder, but I am not how much this thing is being affected by those illnesses. I love her a lot and i dont want the divorce. ANY ADVICE????
Art_Critic Posted December 8, 2005 Posted December 8, 2005 If you want to keep her move to Wichita.. People make concessions in relationships.. you will have to make one . Moving is hard and she just wasn't able to do it.. If you stick to staying in Fla you will have to kiss her goodbye.
Skeered Posted December 8, 2005 Posted December 8, 2005 I think from the sounds of this that some of this is probably due to her depressoin and bi polar disorder as I believe people that suffer with this disorder find change very difficult... I think you need to seriously discuss this with her as far as if you move back will she want to continue the marriage...because if you move back and she is already moved on with her life in another direction you might loose your new job that you like so much as well. But I agree if she wants to continue with the marriage you need to move back to wichita.
Author lght Posted December 8, 2005 Author Posted December 8, 2005 I went to wichita at the end of the first week to talk to her and to apologize for the pressure that I put. But she rejected me really hard, and told me goodbye. If she needs something she writes me an email, she doesn't even call me and now she spend a lot of time with her girlfriends and go to bars and things like that. She didn't used to do that. She is 22 and I am 30. I know women hate when we men beg and whine, we lost points, but at the same time I don't know how to approach to her. She already ask me for splitting our joint account and asked me to send to her the rest of her belongings. the ironic thing is that one day before she asked for "a time" she told me that she loved me a lot and that I was the best that has happened in her life, and now she doesn't even want to talk to me. I haven't contacted any of her family members in order to don't put more pressure, but is so difficult to go back when she is not in love with me any more, but she said that she loved me.
Skeered Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 Not knowing the full history between you two or knowing what kind of a relationship you have had it's hard to say what's truly going on. It could be several things she is going through. I think that she might be going through a point in her life where she feels she married too young took on a lot and now wants to go back to what she missed out on. If she's going to bars and hanging with the GF's and saying that you were the best thing to happen to her but she doesn't love you, she's having a maturity issue. Some people I don't think realize what a huge maturity phase we go through from 21 to 30. We go from playing to being adults..or at least we should (lol) I would say to go ahead and do what she asks of you with the accounts and her things...but then tell her how much you love her, ask her if she would give it some serious thought over a time (without gf's or family help) she needs to take time and think this out. If at the end of the time she comes to you and says she's still wanting to divorce then I say you need to do what you need to to survive.
Author lght Posted January 7, 2006 Author Posted January 7, 2006 Well, i have been gone for a while and this is the latest thing. Last year i found out that she might be dating someone else, but when i ask her she denied everything and said that they are only good friends. Days later ask me for half of the money in out joint account and she is moving out of her parents house to an appartment. The weird thing is that when we talk on the phone, usually about legal stuffs, at some point she cries, and says that she doesn't want to loose the contact with me, and that her parent would support us if someday we decide to go back. But then when I sent emails regarding all these legal things, she never replies, or if she does, is a week later and things like that. i have been the one calling, she doesn't even is mature enough to call and talk about these serious things in person. her behaviour is confusing for me, she said that she couldn't have a relationship with someone else right now because i am still in her head (I don't know if in her heart), and that it would be really hard for her to hear one day that I am going out with someone else. But she sent presents for xmas to the other guy. And as she said to me, that guy has a girlfriend, but you don't send presents with a card that says things like "I am missing you already, thinking about you", etc. I don't understand her mindgame, it just makes the letting go process almost imposible. i still love her and I think about her 24/7. And I dont have any idea what I am in her life, I guess that not much, just a memory. How can I stop thinking about her, i have tried a lot of things and nothing seems to work.
Skeered Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 I think you just need to think of what is best for you...it sounds like she doesn't know what to do and by saying I don't want to loose contact with you and crying and being up and down with emotions and so forth you need to just step away. You still have a life to lead. She's doin what she has to appearantly. My advice is don't think of starting new relationships..be alone for a while get your head in the right place and be strong. So many people feel that when one relationship dies another one has to start right away..this isn't how it HAS to be...being alone can be the greatest time in a persons life. And I think those who go through a hard breakup should be alone until the thought of that other person no longer haunts them. Just my .02
jmargel Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 She suffers of depression and bipolar dissorder, but I am not how much this thing is being affected by those illnesses. Everything is being affected by her depression & bi-polar. Holy crap. Has she seen a dr. or a counselor? Until she gets help for herself you'll be on a constant roller coaster ride with her. She's not responding to emails with the legal stuff in it because she really doesn't want a divorce. However this 'friend' as all women call their boy-toys is just that. Someone she is messing around with. You've become the safety-net and have basically allowed her to have her cake & eat it as well. It's time to get things squared away and stop playing games. She's playing head games that you can't win. The only way to win it is to not play them. I would IMO start some tough love. Give her a choice, er I guess you can say compromise. You are willing to move back to KC and work on this marriage even if she has cheated on you. However she must be willing to see a counselor & doctor for her depression & bi-polar and attend marriage counseling. If she is seeing another guy all contact must be stopped and you need to have all questions answered that you have regarding this. Failure to do this will just result in continued problems and being stuck in this vicious circle. If she doesn't want to do this, then let her go. We know you love her but it takes alot more than just love to make a marriage work and if she's not willing to do her part then no amount of work on yours will make it succeed. She has alot of issues she needs to deal with.
Author lght Posted January 10, 2006 Author Posted January 10, 2006 Well, at the beginning of the relationship she was seeing a psycologist, but then she stopped and she was really good for almost two years. Then when we moved she felt really bad and went to see one after 7 months of feeling horrible, at that point she was taking more antidepresants and pills for anxiety. We visited a counselor, but after the second appointment she just left, that was in may. Then basically, we didn't have the opportunity of getting the benefit of the counselor. As far as I knew during the time we lived separated she didn't visit any doctor, and i don't know if she is seeing one now. About the emails, she is cold, she asked me for the money, furniture and the rest of her belongins, but when i reply i try to be really nice with her, i actually told her to took more money and things like that. And when I ask her if she needs something else or when i tell her to count with me for whatever she needs, she just disapears. The difficult thing is that nobody in her family says something, they just let them do whatever they want as long as thay feel "happy". Then I am alone in this battle. I guess that the best thing is leave the things like this, don't fight and just move forward.
Author lght Posted January 30, 2006 Author Posted January 30, 2006 Well, the last three weeks have been really weird. We have been dealing with some paperwork and things like that. Since she is back in kansas and I still here in florida, we haven't seen eachother for almost three months. But when we talk on the phone we laugh, talk about a bunch of things, she tells me about her work, her new apartment (she even sent me pictures of it) and things like that. She even called me once to tell me about a program on tv that she was watching and thought that I would be interested about. I even told her that I would like to look for jobs in wichita, and asked her if she was ok with that, and she was really cool about it. Anyway, we haven't spoken a single second about the relationship, or us. I don't want to put pressure on her and honestly I don't even know how to get to that subject without looking needy or something like that. I guess that she has her own reasons for not talking about that. But every single conversation is no less than 45 min. I just try to show her respect, and that I am supporting her in her decision, even if it hurts like hell. I even make jokes and I do my best for having a great time on the phone. I would like to know what she thinks about me now...and if she thinks that we can have a second chance someday, but as I said, I would like that the subject come in a natural way, not forced. All these things make me wonder if she had something (or still has) with someone else. I am confused. She looks really happy about her life, it seems to me that she hasn't felt too much pain about this divorce thing, that she is just enjoying the ride, while my life is in one of the worst moments. Has anyone had any similar exprience ??? any advice of how to handle this situation with a possible good outcome?? I am reading books and books and I just would like to make her fall in love for me again thanks
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 lght, I know you how you must be obsessing over getting her back now. You are not thinking clearly and seeing her the way she is. You even admitted that "she looks really happy about her life, it seems to me that she hasn't felt too much pain about this divorce...." What are you waiting for, exactly? She does not love you (and I truely doubt that she ever did). You cannot make her fall in love with you. Nobody can. I know this is the ultimate truth that you are denying yourself, but as an outsider, I can see it as plain as day. Don't torture yourself anymore. Let her go. Maybe then she will realize what she had and maybe then she will beg you to take her back. There is really nothing else you can do for her or your marriage. Even if she took you back this time, what guarantees that she won't want to leave you again? Trust me, I know this. Good luck, and TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. BTW, do not move back to Wichita.
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