Where do I go from here?

[Tenderheart]

I had been divorced for quite a few years and have teen children. I had a few dating relationships before I met Brent. I met him at an online dating site. He at first told me he was divorced, then about a month later after we had met up with each other again, he told me his divorce wasn't final yet, but was in the process. They had been seperated for 11 months, she had cheated on him, verbally abused him, took off on trips w/o him and actually financially destroyed his credit line, etc. after 10 yrs. of marriage. We finally met in person, after talking up to 18 hours a day (continual talking) on the phone for 2 weeks. We clicked right away, had so much in common, dreams, goals, interests, family morals and so on. We started talking about marriage the first week we met. He even said how we connected on an intellectual (mental) aspect in addition to the physical part. We spent many many hours on the phone when we weren't together. He started staying at my house to have more time together, when we didn't go out of town together on trips. His wife (or was to be ex soon) came back in the picture...suddenly wanting to work out the marriage. All his friends and family said his "wife" had something up her sleeve and had an alterior motive...of hurting him. He said he was comletely torn as to what to do...and that he had stated to me a few weeks before he had fallen in love with me and never felt this way...even with his wife. But after 2 weeks of battling in his mind what do to....he decided he had to give his marriage one last try (only reason being they had 10 yrs together and the guilt he had for her wanting to work the marriage out)....even though he had extremely strong emotional, caring feelings for me along with being in love with me. He went back to her 2 weeks ago....and ended up calling me last night after coming to town and drove past my work and home. We talked over 5 1/2 hrs. He wanted to see how I was doing, and that he had been thinking of me constantly every day, and that he still cares deeply for me and that his heart was breaking along with mine. He said he hoped he made the right decision based on the right reasons. But that he and his wife were in the process of trying to work it out still. I am so heart broken, cry intensly daily, feel like my heart has been ripped to shreds, constantly thinking of him and missing him greatly. I had asked if the marriage didn't work out....to call me. He said he'd definately call me if it didn't work out. What do I do.....I can't hate him for anything he's done......I have complete reason to believe he has been totally honest with me throughout the relationship....so there's no doubt about him playing me or any sort of lie/leading me on. Do I move on? How do I move on? What do I do? How can I go on?

[jesse01]

First of all you need to put things into perspective. This may sound simplistic but its not easy to do. But it does help a LOT! It sounds like you've only actually been talking/seeing him a short time, a month or 2? You need to remember that only that long ago you didn't even know he existed, and you were fine! Look at it more like a kid that's been told they were going to Disney World in a couple of weeks and they get extremely excited because they've never been there before, and then the rug gets pulled out and they find out they can't go. It's disappointing, and it hurts, but you didn't have That much time put into it in the first place, so in actuality, you've only lost what you gave of yourself for that short time. He's caught with what he gave for 10 YEARS, and there's no comparison. And I hate to be blunt, but ANYONE can be the perfect match for a short time, especially when most of it is just talking. It takes a long time for peoples true colors to show through in their actions. He can tell you he's a hard working man that is very faithful and moral, but until he becomes comfortable and starts really being himself, you can only take all that stuff at face value. Trust is earned, and you guys haven't had time to develop. So, you really don't know what you're losing, he could be a great dream but turn out to be totally different. The point is that you've only lost the dream he built up in you, not an actual person. That's how you cope, reminding yourself of all that. As for what to do, I wouldn't invest any more time in someone that I couldn't have fully. And he's not giving his marriage his all if he still talks to you. That's leading you both on. And if they had been separated that long, and he still went back for another try, he all together wasn't ready to give her up. They were practically divorced, a signature away, and he went back. I think you need to move on and let him work his situation out. Later on if they do divorce, maybe there may be a chance. But I'd wait a while!!! And PLEASE don't discuss marriage until you see the real him! I've seen people hide themselves for over a year and then suddenly the truth starts popping up here and there. ( I dated a guy for 14 months then found out he had been on cocaine the whole time! But I didn't find out until we had a fight one night and he pulled out a gun and threatened to kill himself! Needless to say that ended quick and I never looked back!!!) Just keep your eyes open, and don't let anyone take advantage of you! Good luck and God Bless.

[brave13]

i am going through the almost exact same thing with a little differences my boyfriend was married less than 6 months..to a woman he had a oops baby with ..is the best way of saying it..he left me for about 5 hours to "try" it out with her..weve been together 3 months now and we talk about getting married but you sound alot like me you wear your heart on your sleeve and are probably hardheaded like me..Either way it will take him time to get over his wife..expecially a 10 year relationship...are there kids involved? You just have to know his wife will always be in his heart, and I would just move on..I know it is hard..but next time he calls just tell him it is too hard for you to talk to him..maybe if he realizes your gone if this is meant to be he will come back to you ...if he doesnt come crawlin back you know you made the right decision..