What's Going On In His Head???..and Heart?????

[riobikini]

I've been seeing this guy since August 8, 2005...I went out with him only three times before that....we really were attracted to each other right away but stopped seeing each other for about three months, because I became interested in someone else. He called me at least 8 times when I was seeing the other guy although I only answered, maybe, two of his calls. Then out of the blue he emailed me and asked me out again, stating he was looking for a longterm partner and was confident he could make me happy and was 'trainable'. I smiled at that and decided to begain dating him again, seriously, this time, because I thought I may have made a mistake and because I also wanted a longterm monogamous relationship. I already knew some of his wonderful qualities and was satisfied that we wanted the same things from a relationship. He started referring to himself as my BF and asked if it was ok with me to call me his GF. I told him 'yes'. We shared alot of info over the next three months about each other, our likes/dislikes, and our families. We took three trips together over the weekend. I thoroughly enjoyed all my time spent with him and began to think even more seriously about 'us'. Our only major problem was that we only saw each other between his very busy work schedule...maybe four or five times a month, but he called me every evening to let me know how his day went and to hear about mine. He confided in me lots of personal stuff and I tried to assist him in some major decisions he had to make concerning some issues going on in his life (only as a sounding board unless I was asked to give suggestions). Our only other secondary problem was that he seemed unavailable to me or defiecient in some way when it came to obtaining how he felt about me ...whether his feelings for me were growing and I was always unsure what I should be feeling towards him...it was difficult for me to not begin those feelings of deep affection or love but he seemed to be hiding any growing emotion or not be able to open up about it or ...not have any feelings for me at all. Two or three weeks ago, I brought up the subject of feelings being formed on my part in a very casual way to see if I could get him to talk about his own feelings. He wrote an email afterwards using the word 'affection' to describe his feelings and sent two cards with pretty much the same written in them...and then they stopped arriving in my mailbox. I am in love with him but have not spoken the words...and will not say them until I know what he's feeling. I do not want to look and feel foolish by saying them. I'm afraid he doesn't want to hear them. I asked for more time with him and he promised it but has not increased any time spent with me. How can I be in love with someone like this?

Anyway...he wasn't displaying any love emotions nor anything beyond what he called 'deep affection', and the relationship didn't appear to be moving towards any deepening emotion on his part, so I said all that to him in a nice way and suggested that he needed to take some time to think about things and we would see each other after the first of the year to see if he felt any differently. I think I did the right thing...but I am not sure....all I know is I am dying on the inside and have only spoken to hin once on the phone in almost two weeks...and he emailed me twice with brief messages that didn't really say muc...except in one he said I made him feel guilty and that he probably did need to step back and assess things.

 

I feel like I'm fifteen and in one of those really really immature BF/GF things! I am fully grown and dealing with this! I haven't felt this emotionally mixed up and hurt since I was a teen.

 

I want to hear from as many of you that have been through this no matter what age you are. (Soon!) What is he feeling right now? What is he thinking? What is going on with him? Note: I know his family medical history through conversation with him...his mother has Schizophrenia and his daughter has Borderline Personaility Disorder....he is a doctor and acts like nothing can ever be wrong with him mentally or physically but I detect bits and pieces of behaviour in him sometimes that is a little 'off' .....and his responses in just simple conversations switch back and forth between the very very 'warm' and attentive responses to the distant and somewhat distracted response and behaviour. P.S. he says the sex is fantastic between us and loves for me to hold his hand when I am driving...I feel like, sometimes, he treats me more like a 'mom' than a GF. He is a complete gentleman.....does not display a temper.....seems always worried about what I will think about how he dresses or presents himself...he is somewhat shy and slow to warm up around people.....he has great taste.....but cannot seem to express his feelings.

[fatcat]

This Is A Rather Confusing Relationship That Has Alot Of

Nebulous Qualities In It. Its Like A Reel Of Film Or A Sliding Door

That Isn't In Sync. If You Really Want To Make This This Work,

I Suggest Moving In With Him So You Can See If You Two Click.

The Busy Skeds And Such Only Present A Little Amount Of Time

That You Two Can See Each Other. If This Guy Feels Like A Flake

Or Loser, Dont Move In With Him, However It Will Give Him A

Jolt Into The Right Track If He Really Feels Connected To You.

I Really Think He Just Wants Someone To Call "girlfriend"

In His Busy Life.......you May Just Be Some Social Crutch.

[AmberAriesMom]

I have a very simple answer for you.

 

A relationship is supposed to feel good. It's supposed to bring something positive to your life. It's supposed to make you feel secure and at ease.

 

I'm not saying a relationship won't have problems, but the problems should NOT be about the person, but rather about things like "I'm broke this week, can we just stay home and watch TV", ....you know, things that don't make up who the person is.

 

Any relationship that brings questions such as you have is a bad one. Let go and move on.

[slubberdegullion]

I personally wouldn't suggest that you dump him and move on quite so fast.

 

From what I understand, everything is pretty good except that he has trouble expressing his feelings.

 

One of the big differences between men and women is that men are taught from an early age that expressing any emotion is often perceived as weakness. That may not be the healthiest thing in the world, but it happens to be pretty common.

 

It seems that he's walking the walk, but just not talking the talk. The image of you two holding hands while he's driving is sweet; it shows that he's doing most of the right things but just has trouble expressing himself verbally.

 

It's not likely that you will actually be able to change this behaviour, but you can create an emotional space for him to give him the freedom to express himself. Whether he takes the opportunity is another matter.

 

But also remember that this isn't some sort of game whereby you "win" if he says "I love you" first. If you feel love for him - and it's pretty clear that you do - tell him. Fewer things are more difficult for a man than to say "I love you" to a partner and get "that's nice, dear" or some such thing as a response.

 

Good luck, and keep us posted.

[gfto]

I'm a little confused. Although you mentioned that you're in love with this guy, much of your post tells a different story. I don't doubt that you think he's a great guy and you enjoy his company. But, how interested are you in him romantically? You say several things in your post that make me think you're not digging him that much, and you're simply wondering why he isn't chasing you a little harder. For starters, in the beginning, the two of you "stopped seeing each other for about three months, because [you] became interested in someone else." In other words, you told him to hit the road, because you were interested in a different guy! But now you're in love with him? Your description of his actions makes him sound like the textbook "nice guy." He groveled and convinced you to get back together and asked you if it was ok to call you his girlfriend. (a real display of confidence!) You say he makes you feel more like his mother than his girlfriend. He called you every night. And yet, you're in love with him?

 

Anyway, it's anyone's guess what he's thinking. I've always found that when you're not sure how someone feels about you, simply quit calling. Then, you'll find out.

[riobikini]

GFTO:..I am in love with him...I enjoy his company, talking with him...and I can see (envision) to the degree most ppl can, how our lives would actually mesh. I have been able to recognize both his strengths and his weaknesses and see the weaknesses as 'fixable' , -not by me intervening and 'fixing' them...but on his own volition. And if he doesn't fix them, they are things I can probably live with because they are common in alot of relationships...I'm talking specifically about his poor communication skills in an intimate relationship....and his (possible) comittment phobia. Both are right at the top of the list , especially with men and can be dealt with through self-awareness, the support of a strong and understanding partner...and if need be, professional therapy. So, aside from those problems, I see alot of good in this man. And I really believe there is such depth of emotion locked away in there dying to find an opportunity to come out, that I really want to be there to see it.

 

He has a history with relationships that I have not revealed to you until now...and I believe it explains some of the reason for the 'problems'.

 

One, is that, as a teenager, he was just naturally shy...but very competitive in sports...football. Which he loved. He was (of course) attracted to girls but found it very difficult to get past his shyness and learn the way most boys do, to relate to the opposite sex in an open way. He felt awkward. Being a great football player in Texas (where they take it very seriously) helped tremendously in 'getting the girls'. They flocked to him...he didn't have to chase them. But he was still very shy and found it difficult to make conversation. During his football years, and realizing he didn't HAVE to talk to 'get the girl', he remained underdeveloped in learning how to converse and relate verbally with women. Without the pressure of having to learn that very important skill, though, none of his girlfriends lasted for very long. To some guys this scenario was their dream setup...to have girls, girls, girls. And no one to 'tie' you down. But you do get older and at some point you, sooner or later, you will want that 'something more' that happens with couples who experience real love. You may not miss what you haven't had, but love will bite you or you will long for it to bite you somewhere down the road.

 

He lived in a Texas town near the Mexican border where it was common for young guys to frequently pass over and drink and carouse in the bars there. He would go drinking with his friends and have no problem in finding female companionship there, either because the Mexican women invited the opportunity to be with caucasian Texas boys with money. Many were prostitutes...and that made it even easier for him to not have to worry about his shyness. Nor deal with it.

 

He was in college when he began seeing a young pretty half-Mexican girl...and consequently got her pregnant. She was Catholic...and that somehow equalled a wedding. They were married.

 

His very first experience at feeling TRAPPED.

 

He didn't love her...but he did what he thought (in those days) was the 'right ' thing...and he married her. And he stayed married to her through another pregnancy and the marriage lasted a good 10 years.

 

To me, that expalins some of the reason for his fear of being trapped.....it also explains to me some of the reason for his inability to communicate...it was because he didn't learn it early on in his young adulthood...and the deficiency is still there causing present-day problems.

 

Beacuse I understand so much about him, and how his life experiences have (for lack of a better word) retarded his adult growth in how to relate to women, I have accepted those problems as 'bumps' in the road that DO need to be 'fixed'...with me in the picture or not....and will require that HE be the one to initiate the 'fixing'...not me. I will support him, I will be as good a sounding board as I know how to be, I will spend my time and money, I will do what anyone would reasonably (perhaps unreasonably) do out of love for another person...but he is in charge of his own self-improvement. The BIG question is does he recognize he even has this problem...and does he WANT to change it?

 

That's why I stopped seeing him this time...I can see the problems and I know my heart...I am in love with him....I want to give him the time he needs to assess all aspects of moving forward in this relationship and what it will take from both of us for it to work....I want to know that he has met these obstacles head on and fully addressed them before moving on. This is a time for introspective self evaluation and assessment for both of us. We need to know what we are made of. He needs to bring to me what he comes up with and tell me (perhaps for the first time in his life) what he needs out of a relationship with me. We traded THE LIST once before...but we need to do that once again, now that the gears have shifted into forward gear on at least one (me) partner. I am the one feeling 'love' emotions...I don't know what he's feeling. I need to know. And I'm a big girl...I can take it if he's not feeling the same thing as me...it's just that I need to know IF HE'S CAPABLE of feeling love...for me...at all. I wonder about the chance that I am totally wrong about my conclusions regarding the reasons for his lack of verbal communication. If I am wrong, and those are not the reasons he is the way he is, I can only swallow it and walk.

 

But if I am right...I am will to do all I said I would do in being the kind of life partner it takes for this to work.

 

NOTE: You asked about the person I dated before. It's like this: I met 'B' and was very attracted to him and dated him (dinner) a handful of times...he is the one who actually disappeared from sight and left me wondering what happened...he called a few times out of the blue and I was confused about him...did not really know about his very shy history nor very much about his life history....so I stopped taking his calls and met someone else that was just a casual friend and was seeing him (companionship) when 'B' suddenly contacted me again, three months later. I had been disappointed about his sudden abscence with no reason being given and was curious as to why he's just disappeared. I had really found him interesting and was very attracted to him in several ways. He was a mystery to me. So I took him up on his offer for dinner and since the other guy was only a friend from my wine club, he wasn't hurt because there was nothing emotionally driven to be hurt about. We still see each other at wine club...he, with his beautiful REAL girlfriend, even! So there's your explaination.

 

Your comments are welcome.

[Frustrated_in_LA]

Rio- you have a huge heart.

 

It sounds like you want to give this person every possible chance because you see the potential in it. It sounds like he does too. But so did I. I saw the makings of something wonderful, truly amazing. But - the things that were missing started to overshadow the rest. I split with my GF feeling like a jerk- how can I walk away from this when so much is good and with time it could be better? But I realized I was playing the "if only" game- we both were. If only we had spent more time togther or maybe less time, if only I didn't have the relationship past that I have, if only she had a different past too, if only she were older or I younger, etc. I still feel that way, its very sad that it isn't working especially when we both want it to and both of us can look into each other and see "our future".

 

But after 6 months (you started in August right?) you should have a pretty good idea of whether there is enough of a base there or not. You said you sense that he doesnt want you to say "I love you"- and it sounds like you can't decide whether this is because of his poor communication issues or if maybe he just doesn't feel that way for you. I think after 6 months, it doesn't matter. "Affection" after 6 months is not enough, it sounds like its not progressing and while you want to give him every chance to grow and be the person you are in love with, you need to decide whether your needs are being met- bottom line. I think if you stick around giving him time, understanding him, supporting him, etc. after a while you are just going to get past tired and approach resentment. Its his responsiblity to deal with his issues. Maybe you should tell him that if he wants your help, he can have it, but in the meantime, you have to respond to your own needs, like taking a few steps back and doing your own self-assesment, maybe dating someone else.

 

I say, give him a chance after he's done his own work and you see some meaningful progress. If you dont feel safe expressing your feelings of love, that's significant and you are right for stepping back.

 

hope it helps.

[riobikini]

Frustrated In La....thank you for your reply.....it did help....

 

I have not seen him in-person in 10 days...there's only been 4 or 5 emails exchanged and about three phone calls during that time...and you are right...I am at the resentment stage...mainly because I have looked at this from every angle I can and I realize that I am the only one 'giving' here...he offers nothing to the relationship in terms of displays or verbal communication....he only takes....in his last email he said it was 'sweet' that I was thinking about him....I just read that and concluded 'sweet' was not the 'right' answer.

 

Yesterday evening, I contacted him and broke it off completely. I did it politely...under our circumstances (many miles apart) I couldn't do it in person and there was no guarantee that I would see him soon and I really felt the need to end it IMMEDIATELY! I think I can forgive myself for using improper etiquette for breaking up here, because of the circumstances.

 

I haven't heard from him. I do not expect to. And I am keeping very busy.

 

I choose to be happy again.

[LikeRiosBF]

Hello Rio: I very much identify with many of the characteristics of your BF (Shyness, difficult to express emotions, married someone I was not in love with and divorced, busy professional life). After reading your post here is my perspective. For a typical man, I would say not to tell him that you love him, because that could scare him away. In your BFs case, I believe that you should be honest, and tell him how you feel. I believe that it will make him feel closer to you, even if he cant express it. Do not expect that he will tell you that he loves you in return immediately. Realize that after his experience with marriage, he very well may be slow to make a commitment. I do believe based on his actions (holding hands in car, and calling) he is a sensitive man who does appreciate you, and will appreciate you more when you tell him how you feel. If after you have done these things, and the relationship does not appear to progress, then it probably is time to move on.

[Frustrated_in_LA]

Good for you Rio for choosing yourself! I am sure you are "sweet" but you can't really build faith on someone thinking you are "sweet"- if anything its a signal that he's having trouble choosing words. Its hard to move on, especially dealing with the loss of what you once dreamed of and the companionship. But you desreve better- you deserve to swoon and be swooned over. (Not sure if I'm using that word right). But anyway- I congratulate you on taking a step towards what you truly deserve. Take care. - A

[riobikini]

Thank you all, for your replies.

 

He left a vmail yesterday wanting to address the email I sent him breaking it off with him.

 

He wants to see me this coming wednesday and have dinner. He admitted to me on the phone (I returned the call) that he realized he had commitment phobia. He also appeared confused and even said that he didn't know what he wanted, only that he didn't want me out of his life.

 

Because of his words (they sounded so anguished and sincere) I am sucked into this again.

 

I do not want him to be in any kind of pain, mentally, physically, nor emotionally.

 

Because I do see that he will retreat even farther into these behavior patterns (running when he feels as if he is going to be trapped), I decided to tell him I 'cared' about him deeply and more than I should, rather than I loved him. I felt as if the actual familiar words would scare him even more.

 

I ended the subject by telling him that I knew he had a lot of things going on with his life and that no one (meaning me) was making demands of him...also, that he was free to do whatever 'assessment' he felt he had to do. I let him know he was not on MY timetable...only his own.

 

I am going to stand by my present state of mind, tho....I will wait and see. I am uncertain of his decision or if he'll even come up with one...but I DO know I must look out for ME...even tho I love him with everything in me.

 

I truly believe he knows I love him. I also believe he was relieved I didn't say the dreaded words.

 

If he is a dyed-in-the-wool Commitment Phobic and cannot grow past the fear, I will have to deal with that.

 

I will always want to keep him in my life, also.

 

Somehow. Because he means that much to me.

[2p worth]

Rio, thanks for your reply to one of my posts. I feel obliged to try and give you some advice about what this guy is feeling and how you should deal with it.

 

I believe this guy you've been seeing is playing a game with his own emotions as well as yours. He doesn't know what he wants, other than he likes having you around to keep him company.

 

Things have evolved for you and I'm sure you feel like being completely honest with him. I'm sure - as a doctor, he's a great guy. You should try 2 things out.

 

A. You love him? Tell him - today, but do not put your heart into telling him. Just tell him in a matter of fact kind of way, something like "I think I may have fallen in love with you".

 

B. If his reply isn't one of "I love you", or "that means so much", or something that really reinforces the bond between you, then regardless of what excuse he makes - go into NC for 3 days.

 

I can guarantee that during this time, one of two things will happen.

Either...

 

1. He will attempt increasingly manipulative and frustrated e-mail / phone call message, etc, to get in touch.

 

2. He will look at things differently / want to split up / just disappear.

 

If it is #2, then keep NC and get back to working on YOU. You will hurt but NC is needed to help you heal. Do not let yourself get sucked in again with this person.

 

If it is #1, then, arrange dinner, keep e-mail positive but short and then when you see him tell him again that you love him and ask him again - face to face if he loves you. Do this - even if he has already said it in an e-mail / phone msg. You need to see his reaction to your asking. You will then know the truth.

 

Keep in mind that some people arrive at the same points at different times - but in my experience that has never worked, it has just stretched things out and in the end it caused me a lot of grief. I even wanted to stay friends too with someone but actually it was still more than that... In the end, I knew it was just something I couldn't handle, nevermind the fact that when I do meet someone who really is right for me - I just wouldn't want this other person around to interfere. I think maybe in the end, you may come to the same conclusion.

[Distracted]

Dear Riobikini

 

Thank you so much for you posts. I can see bits of my feelings and uncertainties reflected in your situation. My BF broke up with about a month ago after 2.5 years of a periodically rocky relationship. When we broke up I kept searching myself trying to figure out what I had done that turned him from the most attentive, sweet, senstive man I had ever met into a distant, quiet, disrespectful, aloof one. All I could come up with was that I was too clingy because I wanted to spend too much time with him, make him dinner, etc. But part of me recognized that it is not normal for a guy to go from telling you he loves you and serenading you at a karoke bar to breaking up with you 2 weeks later (saying he isn't happy and doesn't want to work at the relationship), but was hard to believe that his about-face didn't really have anything to do with me.

 

Because we have broken up once before and reconcilled, I know that any answers about why this happend won't come from him. He doesn't know why this happens- his falling in and out of love, but its become pretty obvious to me. Each time we have gotten together, at about the 6 month mark he starts pulling back, stops communicating, stops being romantic, etc and then 6 months later he wants to end things. His parents had a nasty divorce when he was a baby and he was married for a short time and he told me that as soon as he was married he wanted out of it. Since then he's had a series of 1 to 2 year relationships and he has no friends with whom he shares emotions (although he lots of buddies). All I can say is what a difference some perspective can make. All those things that I thought were just part of his past I now see are not in the past for him but have made and continue to make him who he is now.

 

After the fact I realized I was dating someone who had every single syptom of a commitment phobe and without realizing it, all the things I was doing- hoping that I could "model" the way I wanted him to treat me, were actually pushing him further away. So I don't know if he'll come back again and I don't know if I want him too. Part of me senses he will. I know he loves me-- in fact I have never doubted that, but I think loving me scares him because I'm not the "perfect woman" he believes is out who can fix him.

 

Most problematically, now that I know what went wrong, I still want to fix him- I want to make him into the man I know he can be. I also know this is insane and that the only way he will ever "be fixed" is to seek professional help because he sees that he has a real problem (if he does come back I'm going to insist he try counseling). What really struck me in you post is your saying you will always want him in your life- I feel exactly the same, and that scares me. I'm not a masochist, and i'm not sure if I can be his friend (at least not any time soon) and if I let him back into my life as my BF--- what if he can never get over this phobia and I spend another 2 years or longer on this roller coaster. Are there success stories for "dyed in the wool" commitment phobics or is it an eternal crapshoot where his fears could and will rear their ugly heads again at any time in the future?

 

Anyhow, I wanted to write this to share my story with you, to thank you for sharing your story, and to wish you the best of luck. Sometimes in these forums I feel like the only answer put out there is to convince myself I hate him, realize what a jerk he was, and move on. I've had moments and flashes of all of those emotions and I am trying to move on, but its complicated and I thank you for being willing to share the complicated-ness innate in loving someone who can't figure out how to stay and love you back.

[riobikini]

Distracted....thank you for your reply.

 

I'll be seeing him this coming wednesday and I'm already having second thoughts about it.

 

He wants to bring Christmas presents to my children, which, by the way, I have tried to gradually distance from him recently due to the my doubts about the relationship continuing.

 

I have two lovely daughters and they are as much in love with him as I am. But I do not want my children hurt by any of this. My youngest daughter who is six, writes him 'love' notes and draws pictures of the four of us together. He takes them home and puts them on his refrigerator.

 

He has two children who are grown (one in college and one a lawyer). I have noticed tho, that he doesn't have very good relationships with either one of them. I know he loves them but he always seems so irritated or somehow disappointed in them.

 

One of them, his daughter has Borderline Personality Disorder and is in and out of relationships every three or four months with someone. At first she's deliriously happy and chatters away about how wonderful the new guy is, then 3-4 months later it turns into a very bad scene and she's ready to commit suicide over the breakup.

 

His son, on the other hand, doesn't fair much better, although he has managed to remain in a relationship now, for two years. But they fight all the time and he tells his dad that she's the one emotionally disturbed.

 

His mother is schizophrenic and lives far away from him, closer to his twin brother. He always seems unwilling to go when he has to go see about her.

 

I have taken in his relationships with his family and compared it to how he treats me and the girls.

 

Truthfully, when he can find the time to spend with us, he actually treats us better. But his seeming inability to find the time to spend with us is part of the problem. He gives us all three just enough of his time to keep us hanging on.

 

That's why I began gradually tapering off his seeing my children. I had a gut feeling it wasn't going to be good for any of us, especially them, if our relationship didn't strengthen into a lasting 'normal' partnership.

 

He has admitted he has commitment phobia. I almost fainted when he admitted it.

 

I think he has dealt with it for so long that he is saddened even at the beginning of any new relationship he might want because he knows exactly how it's going to turn out and that he is going to be the one to drop the ball.

 

At least, I HOPE he can feel something similar to sadness, if it's how I think it is with him.

 

Sometimes, I wonder if he truly can feel anything.

 

I also wonder if he is enjoying all the game playing after all these years of doing it.

 

When I think those thoughts, I just get angry at him.

 

I want to shake him so hard and scream "Why can't you get help for this stupid hurtful problem?!!!"

 

But I hold it in because I realize I can do nothing about his problem. It's he who has to fix it.

 

It's sad to think that any man (or woman) would enjoy living their entire life that way....hurting others....hurting themselves....lying to others....lying to themselves.

 

It's sad to think you can stand in the very face of someone who loves you with everything in them and you can't bring yourself to feel your heart burn with the least little twinge of something even CLOSE to love for them.

 

The question screaming in my mind right now, as I posed that question is...can they???

 

Do they feel anything.???? ever???? How can someone go through life and never feel love towards someone else????

 

I said I BELIEVE he loves his children...maybe that's the closest he will eve come to feeling anything similar to love but even with that I see the disdain he displays when he talks about their problems in relationships and the stressful situations it often causes.

 

I wonder if he isn't seeing some of himself (behavior patterns...inherited? -or environmentally induced? -or both?) being lived out by his own children.

 

Looking closely as I can with the information I have been able to obtain about his family history (medical ...and lifestyle/background) has played an enormous role in me trying to determine whether or not I should keep seeing him.

 

Wednesday is fast approaching and I know I have as much information as I need, but I am still afraid of how it will turn out.

 

There are so many things I love about this man....but his treatment of relationships (people, damn it!) is something I neither admire nor respect.

 

I hope I do the right thing for myself ....and my children.

 

Life is much too precious to waste....and the exchange of love makes it richer.

[riobikini]

Update on the wednesday evening dinner.

 

He arrived a bit early (or I was a bit late in getting ready)...he'd been out of town.

 

I'd done all my thinking days in advance about what to say and felt I had it all together by the time he arrived.

 

But when I saw him I couldn't remember any of it.

 

He looked lost, lonely, and in need.

 

His smile was the same beautiful smile.

 

But he looked different...to me, better than before.

 

I was hungry for his appearance in front of me. In person. His presence.

 

I did momentarily grasp for the exact words of the speech I had ready but decided it didn't fit the chemistry that was obvious between us.

 

But I told myself I must use my head instead of my heart and not rush into anything emotional like a crushing, sobbing hug or anything.

 

But I wanted to.

 

We talked pleasantly about our families and about the Christmas holidays.

 

But there was a point where the talking was not enough.

 

And the ridiculous truth of that is, that talking was not required at that moment.

 

Our problem had been that he was not communicating verbally and was (still unclear) a bit commitment phobic...but emotions do transcend the spoken word and he was communicating very well with out them.

 

It told me enough.

 

Before we went to dinner, we exchanged Christmas gifts.

 

One of the things that will forever stand out in my mind about that, is that after opening the gifts I gave him, (he was on the floor on front of the Christmas tree, I was sitting in a chair nearby), -he came over to where I was (without standing up) thanked me for those gifts in such a sincere way WITH WORDS (!!!) that made me feel more hopeful that, with more time, things will improve.

 

I am seeing that he CAN make small, but significant changes and I have decided I am going to work on this relationship...do my part...maybe more than what I think 'my part' ought to be, sometimes.....but I think he is worth the work, the time, the wait.

 

And I love him.

 

-Rio

[Christina1977]

Hi There,

I have admired your advice to many people and your heart. I am going thru something so hard for me right now. I'm the one who posted the HELLLP BROKEN HEART post. Of course what I want is hope and I don't know what the answers are but I need someone to talk to me about it.

Do you think you could take a look? There's lots more information, but I didn't want to write a book on there to deter someone from even wanting to read it.

This no contact thing hurts. I miss his friendship, his face, his hands.... But in so many words he's telling me they aren't mine (the friendship is.. but you know what I mean...HIM) and may never be... This is crushing me. But from what I have learned, if there's any hope of being the woman he desires I MUST follow thru with the 2 months and be strong and focus, not acting needy like " I HAVE TO HAVE YOU!" like I was. He seemed so interested in the beginning. I honestly believe it was just too much too fast, because he cried so hard when he talked about the possibility of losing me. He tells me I'm a queen and I mean so much to him. He told me don't wait for him, he thinks he's not the person for me, but then he says down the road if..... BLAH BLAH BLAH..... He said he doesn't want me to have hope. But why did he tell me he's never been emotional about a girl like this before, even though he's been in serious relationships before? I don't know. I have to be strong. I can't lose alot of time hurting and grieving and moving on like I did with the last guy ( IT took me 5 yrs!!!!) I have to keep going. But if there's any way to spark his interest I want to do it. I'm working out, I'm having no contact, I'm going to back off, regroup and be the strong woman I need to be. There is so much good there. He told me in the first couple of weeks that he could be happy with me forever, and that there are so many things about me he wants in a wife, but not right now, but then he changed, I think it was the feelings of pressure and too much too fast. I'm sorry I'm rambling. I'm just trying to give you a better picture. I hope that things are working out for you and your man. Your situation sounds hopeful. I know it's silly but I love this guy alot already. We have been long distance pals for 2 yrs, but in the last month and a half in person was just amazing. Then he weirded out. The thing that makes me think this could change or have hope is that I have had this affect on guys in the past. I think it's ME making MISTAKES with men.

Ok I'm going to stop rambling right now. I would love to hear from you.

 

Christina1977

[riobikini]

Christina...I am going to your thread now...look there for my reply.

 

-Rio

[snoogybunny]

Rio - I've read your post and what you've done in this situation is truly an inspiration to me. I'm in a very similar situation and have been wondering if what I'm feeling by my bf's lack of intimate communication is normal or if I'm just insecure.

 

Obviously I have no advice but I wanted to say thank you for putting this out there and giving me a definite course of action.

[riobikini]

:) :) :) :) :) :)

 

-Rio

[ElizabethH]

I'm wondering if he might have a slight case of auspergers disorder or slight autism...that might account for his hesitancy with people. (Hey...Bill Gates has a little aspergers/autism) I say that due to his family's mental health conditions. Do a little research on those. Being with people and experiencing emotions are foreign territory for these folks. I only say this due to what you've said about his family and his behavior. If some of the characteristics fit then you know more about what you have. :-)

 

Just a thought.

[riobikini]

Elizabeth...thank you for the tip.....the ending to this relationship is in another thread called "QUESTIONS FOR GUYS',

 

This thread that I'm posting from now, is the one that I started with and worked through some of the initial doubts, only later to arrive at the conclusion to the relationship.

 

Both this, and the other thread is about the same guy.

 

But I do believe you may have something there with the dx.

 

It's something similar along those lines, if not a personality disorder, which I suspect.

 

Take care.

-Rio