sick of it Posted December 8, 2005 Posted December 8, 2005 Ive been broken up for about 7 months now. I was the dumpee. I went through my begging, my sadness, my depression, the anger, the self pity. ive gone through all the stages. i still love her and i always will, no matter what was said to me or done to me. shes moved on and through it hurts to know that, i have accepted it. but how do you fight the questions that your mind keeps thinking up? do they ever stop? why dont you even like me as a person anymore? why did you look to someone else? why didnt you talk to me? How can you give me up the way you did and not care about me...or not show me? i know these questions dont matter to her. and i know she wouldnt answer them. but 7 months have gone by (7 months of hell) and they keep coming. over the past 3 weeks my personality has started to come back. im not as mopy. ive stopped crying at certain thoughts. ive even had the feelings of "i pity her." but over the past few days, those feelings have started to rear its head again and i find myself slipping back into the sadness thats consumed me for so long. Im at my wits end. is this just another dip on the rollercoaster of emotion known as a breakup?
In Sync Posted December 8, 2005 Posted December 8, 2005 I understand your plight, completely. Still asking myslef. But as I've been advised by other members on this thread/board, you may never get the answers to questions you are seeking. If you haven't been in contact with your ex, they are inner questions which you will have to accept some of which will go unanswered. In time they won't knaw at you as much. I heard somehwere by this author of a breakup book that it is natural to obsess over things/questions after a breakup...it's our way of coming to terms with the unexplainable as we are still hurting. Eventually you will find the answers you need to know and they don't need to come from the ex. Like a light switch going on. I too am going through cycles of sadness after an initail 8 months ago break-up. It is frustrating though. I imagine that questions will pop up in the future and less often as we get to a healthier place and inner peace.
RecordProducer Posted December 8, 2005 Posted December 8, 2005 . Im at my wits end. is this just another dip on the rollercoaster of emotion known as a breakup?Yes. Time will cure it. I had questions, words unsaid, injustice that hurt, feelings that tore me up, anger, hate, grief, you name it... I begged, I cried, I called in the middle of the night, I threatened... I was totally overwhelmed with emotions after my ex-husband left me and our little kids. Here I am, five years later, married to another man and very happy. I can't even conceive how I could ever love my ex! Keep your chin up, dude! You'll be okay.
meltwithme Posted December 8, 2005 Posted December 8, 2005 I have so many questions too and it's damn hard to accept not knowing alot of things. I had some issues from previous relationships, and my latest breakup with my first love really made me focus on adressing thoose. I wish she could see me now but if she doesn't want to there's nothing I can do about it. I didn't even get to know what went wrong or how she was feeling, she didn't communicate anything with me of how to keep it more interesting or what she was unhappy about. I could tell things wern't going so well and I went to see her one day and she was nervous, cold and very short with me. I said I felt like she was keeping something from me and I asked her if she was seeing someone else and the next day she needed a break, "because I was getting jealous." That's all I got, then the next week she had a new boyfriend so I'm really lost. But it's not about what went wrong or why it's over, just that it is. Even though you wanted more time together, almost all relationships end and it really hurts but I guess the only thing that matters is enjoying the fun while it lasts.
CaliGuy Posted December 8, 2005 Posted December 8, 2005 but how do you fight the questions that your mind keeps thinking up? do they ever stop? why dont you even like me as a person anymore? why did you look to someone else? why didnt you talk to me? How can you give me up the way you did and not care about me...or not show me? At first glance, these questions suggest to me that your self-confidence is shot. You're not digging within to find confidence in who you are. There is no greater source of confidence than within yourself and accepting that while you have faults and are not perfect, you are worthy of love and respect. You allowed her to take your confidence away and it's only when you decide to take it back from her that you will completely heal. Stop wondering what is, was or could have been because "It is what it is" and it's something you simply can not control. She has moved on and the best thing for you to do is the same. i know these questions dont matter to her. and i know she wouldnt answer them. but 7 months have gone by (7 months of hell) and they keep coming. over the past 3 weeks my personality has started to come back. im not as mopy. ive stopped crying at certain thoughts. ive even had the feelings of "i pity her." but over the past few days, those feelings have started to rear its head again and i find myself slipping back into the sadness thats consumed me for so long. Has it occured to you that you are asking questions for which there may never be an answer? Again, you're trying to control something of which is completely out of your hands. It's only consuming you because you allow it. When you decide you've had enough and you want your life back, you'll start to evaluate what makes you happy and what makes you attractive to others. When you do that, the positives in you will shine again and someone else will find that attractive. Just remember to be wary of falling into the same old patterns that got you into this mess in the first place: Not loving yourself, not respecting yourself, making someone else the center of your attention and becoming obsessed with it. Sometimes you just have to roll with the punches and let things go. In your case, you need to let go now or you will never fully heal. Im at my wits end. is this just another dip on the rollercoaster of emotion known as a breakup? You are experiencing a bout of relapse. You miss this person and really want to know exactly what it is that you did wrong. In your case, there may never be a real answer. Maybe she doesn't know. It sounds to me like you might benefit from reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy."
Author sick of it Posted December 8, 2005 Author Posted December 8, 2005 i know its a self confidence thing. i have none left. i used to be the most confident, sure of himself person. and its completely gone. the thing is that i recognize it and still cant seem to feel differently. im not respected by her. im respected by many other people but not her. shes the only one that matters to me, i know she shouldnt. everything i think, do, want, revolves around her still.
scobro Posted December 8, 2005 Posted December 8, 2005 I have so many questions too and it's damn hard to accept not knowing alot of things. I hate that..... knowing half truths rather than the actual truth but I know I will never get the actual truth anyways.I was the dumpee and I look at it like they chose to move on without me in their life and there is nothing I can do about that.I also realise that even if she wanted back I couldn't be happy with her anyways, with the way she treated me at the end of our marriage no-one deseved to be treated so cruel. The ending of the marriage I can handle being kicked while down in agony with no empathy is something you don't forget.It sucks, I am on 4th month and have my up and down days.Today I actually found myself missing her but I think I miss the sex and relationship more than her as a person.It will become where there are more good days than bad and I find I am adjusting and growing as a better person in the meantime. Good luck fellow dumpee:p
Natalie05 Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 I was dumped and it's been 5 months. I recently broke no contact by sending a Xmas card to the ex. It was a simple card (that I sent to all my friends). The inside said "Happy Holidays" and I signed my name. No other message. I didn't write a note saying "I miss you - hope we can be friends" or put "Love," at the end with my signature. It was generic and simple. It was to put closure to everything. It was my final gesture so I could forgive him and move on (not for him - for me). For some reason I feel a huge sense of relief. I also wanted to show I had class and did not harbor bad feelings. I don't expect any response - nor do I expect to ever hear from him again. I can now go on with my life. Weird to explain but it was something I had to do to close this chapter and move on.
brooke7777 Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 Welcome to the story of my life. Every day I battle these unanswered questions. Some days it's worse than others and they completely consume me. Lately, I've really been struggling. I think it's because our anniversary would have been this week. It's so hard...I feel like I'm never going to move forward unless I have some answers. I don't know how people just accept that they may never have answers. I'm a very concrete person...I like things to be fully comprehendable. Uncertainty is my worst enemy. It's especially hard when you hear that he is miserable and misses you. I just don't understand what is going on in his mind. I personally think that without answers I will not ever be able to move on...I will simply be stuck in the same rut I have been in for the past 3 months. My break up seemingly came out of the blue...so I think that just makes it harder. It's just so frustrating...ugh.
Painwraith Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 It is hard I still wonder why... why did she do this to me? what was I doing wrong? was I not listening to her? did I treat her badly? why did she string me along? What did I ever do to deserve this? we wont get these answers, because they dont know them, they probably buried them in another relationship and conviced themselves that we just 'were not right for them'. Easy way out I am afraid and doesnt say a thing. But our ex's get their new partners and you hear about how happy they are! But then again are they? they have just moved their problems to another person and those same issues will come up again in their new relationships. and the new person will have to deal with them. its none of our concern. We have to spend our time looking back and saying they didnt deserve us anyway because lets face it most of the time they didnt. it gives a form of closure and thats the key. Closure is coming to terms they are gone and you can move on, its not getting answers to your questions from the ex that quite frankly doesnt have the answers. sometimes they just NEED someone, anyone and the person they find fits the bill in their minds but ultimately wont once the honeymoon period is over. once you have your first argument in a relationship it sets the inevitable actually looking at your new partner in the cold light of day. you notice their personality quirks and the things that annoy you, more arguments come up because of it. A good relationship is one that compromises and lets face it your ex was unable to compromise with you over yours and hers personality quirks. so you need to find someone who looks beyond your outward persona and is comfortable with your inner self. Be at peace all we are only human and remember we are the special ones because we learn from the pain we are feeling. Blessed be Pain
lindya Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 i know its a self confidence thing. i have none left. i used to be the most confident, sure of himself person. and its completely gone. the thing is that i recognize it and still cant seem to feel differently. im not respected by her. im respected by many other people but not her. shes the only one that matters to me, i know she shouldnt. everything i think, do, want, revolves around her still. Every time you say to yourself, or someone else says to you, "move on, it's time to get over it" that can feel like a criticism - however well intended it might be. Naturally moving on is what you want to do, but what you're struggling with is just how to do it. Some people are just a bit "deeper", have more of a tendency to brood and analyse - and can take longer to get over difficult experiences than others. Rather than trying to model yourself on people (like, perhaps, your ex) who seem to bounce back with ease, it's best to work with the material you've got. Realise and accept that it might take you a bit longer to recover than it may take the person next to you...and don't let anyone put you down for having that sort of nature. There are a lot of drawbacks to it, but there are a lot of benefits too. You've mentioned that you have a lot of people around you who respect you...and that's one of the benefits. Even if it doesn't feel like much consolation right now. It's a very good sign that you've found your old personality coming back recently. You don't get over someone in a sudden flash; it's more normal to dot back and forth between acceptance and other less positive stages of grieving until eventually acceptance is the dominant feeling.
In Sync Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 It is hard I still wonder why... why did she do this to me? what was I doing wrong? was I not listening to her? did I treat her badly? why did she string me along? What did I ever do to deserve this?... We have to spend our time looking back and saying they didnt deserve us anyway because lets face it most of the time they didnt. it gives a form of closure and thats the key..... Closure is coming to terms they are gone and you can move on, its not getting answers to your questions from the ex that quite frankly doesnt have the answers. Pain These questions expressed exactly the same thoughts I go through daily. Some days more some less. But always I have unansweres questions. I don't even know how it just turned bad, all I know is that I'm caught in the middle of my memories of when things were good between us and when it was bad..but why did it change. why did he get so angry on me...and why couldn't he see that I did love him. why was my love not good enough... I'm going to print your post Painwraith because there's comfort in your words and you are right in the end ....."We have to spend our time looking back and saying they didnt deserve us anyway because lets face it most of the time they didnt. it gives a form of closure and thats the key."
Painwraith Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 I am glad that you find comfort in my words I just want to help spare the pain I have and still go through myself. Its a hard road but I like to think I help you all out and I am here for you if any of you need me. we can help each other out...
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