For JDub

[dahlia]

Hi JDub.....

I want you to know that I truly respect your opinion on this board. Everything you have said makes complete sense and I would like to get some input from you.

 

I was with my ex for a few yrs. We lived together for 2 and in the last yr, he acted indifferent to me. I would always call him on it, and basically he would say I didn't know what I was talking about. One day, about a month ago, I came home from a business trip and he had left. He left a brief note telling me to have a good life. He has not contacted me since, and I have not contacted him.

 

My question to you involves a few things. I read a thread on here that dates back to a few months back. A woman was left by her bf b/c he needed "space" she decided to go the NC route, to heal and if he came back he would have to say , he was sorry, made a mistake and wanted her back. Well, three wks or so passed and he texted her about good luck in something he knew that she was doing. She didn't contact him back b/c he never said the magic words.

 

As a few months passed, I wanted to see if they got back together, so I looked for her posts. Basically what happened is they eventually ran into each other months down the road and her ex had moved on to a new woman. He told her that he sent her those texts to feel out the water b/c he wanted her back, and since she didn't respond, he figured that she had found someone else and had moved on. So, he eventually did the same and was now happy with someone else.

 

My situation really doesn't compare to this, b/c I am doing no contact to heal myself, and b/c I was DUMPED. He left me. I do believe if he wants me back, he will have to beg. However, if I ever get contact should I really ignore it unless I hear the magic words? This is the most important question that I have for you. I really want to know if I should ignore every message unless it has the words, I want you back, I was wrong, or something to that effect.

 

Thanks very much for your input b/c it means alot to me. I know that you are a strong and wise woman who does not cloud the issue with emotions.

[dahlia]

Hi everyone,

 

Even though I am waiting for a response from Jdub, I would love to hear from anyone else that has any insight/input/

Thanks

[dahlia]

Just want to make sure Jdub sees this

[omegaRED]

The question is are you ready to settle for scraps? You were dumped (like most people here). You`d like a second chance (again, like most people here). So... I`d settle for NOTHING LESS then those magic words, and some SERIOUS begging. And even then, there`s no guarantee i`d accept them.

 

I`m just telling you how i`d react IF i wasn`t POSITIVE that i don`t want a second chance. I`d never take my ex back. Well, maybe 20 years down the line, if by "fate" our paths cross again... I might feel different. I doubt it though.

[dahlia]

Thanks omegared. I appreciate your response. I guess I just need to get my strength back.

[omegaRED]

What you need is a perspective. What you need to think about is this:

 

Try to ignore your feelings for him for a short while and ask yourself: Would i want someone who cheated/lied/dumped me back, at all? And if so, what would he/she have to do to EARN a second chance with ME?

 

Basically, it boils down to trust issues. And hurt pride and ego, obviously.

 

Do i still love my ex? Yes, very much. Would i trust my ex not to do the same thing again? No. I never thought she`d be capable of doing it, she was the one person i thought would understand me and wouldn`t put me through *unnecesary* pain (break up pain is inevitable, but cheating, lying, stringing along etc are not).

 

So, while one part of me longs for her, i cannot take her back, even if she begged me. Because i`d never be able to trust her completely. And no trust === no chance for happiness, for both of us. So it`s my *decision* that i cannot give her a second chance, even though a part of me wants to.

[dahlia]

Heh omegared,

I totally understand what you are saying. I really still love my ex. How and why he doesn't care to call or contact me---I just can't figure that out.

However, I suppose if my love was so deep and blind, maybe while he was so indifferent, I was too busy missing all of this. And you know what....that makes me really angry. Angry at myself for being oblivious and angry at him for taking me for granted and using me. It makes me sick.

 

I totally understand that you won't take her back. My ex has nothing to offer me. No job, no money, no possessions. I provided him with everything including love. I just was too caught up in everything to notice that he didn't feel the same way. When he had the chance to go home and live off of mommy he did and never looked back. I cried for a month over this, and believe it or not, even prayed that he'd call. Now I am starting to realize that he had nothing to offer me, not even his love. And that's all I ever wanted

[omegaRED]

No, my ex had plenty to offer. My decision has nothing to do with her being a loser, or unambitious, or unloving, or whatever. She was everything i wanted. I have no gripe whatsoever with how she treated me while we were together. It has to do that i wasn`t good enough for her, for not giving me a clean break, and that she never felt the need to tell me the truth and at least appologize for lying and the way i found out.

 

The time when i needed her to do something the most, being honest, truthful, considerate, respectful, she decided i wasn`t worth the time, energy and the "stress" those 1-2 hours of talk would cost her.

[dahlia]

Hey Omegared,

Well, I guess things are worse for me once again. Your ex was great, she just left you because she didn't have time to listen to you about something. Maybe she will come back. If you have a girl that is great all around, and basically, she just got mad about something, maybe you just need to be patient.

 

I did everything for this guy. And after living together for two yrs he just became totally indifferent to me. I cried, ignored him, pleaded with him, everything possible, and then while I was away on a business trip he left and never turned back. I suppose I was the true sucker. maybe you weren't.

 

Maybe, omegared, you should be grateful you aren't me. Because not only was I a stupid idiot, I loved my ex, (as I know you did, too). It sounds like you still have a chance. Think about those of us, who deep, deep down inside know that we don't. Even though we hope and wait and wonder, we somehow know that they gave up along time before they walked out. I still don't want to face this fact, but, if I have to put my life on the line, I will be honest with myself

[seachange]

hi dahlia. I just wanted to add this: the story about missed opportunity for love - he wanted her back, she didn't pick up on the cue, she lost the chance to reunite - it's compelling, but when you think about it, it's kind of unsatisfying.

 

Fact is, he broke up with her. Yes he was testing the waters, but instead of clarifying what he wanted and being brave and going for it, he just put the burden on her. Since he needed space and he's the one who left - I don't think it's at all too much to ask for him to make his intentions clear if he contacts her again. Sure, he'd be taking a chance, not knowing if she's with someone else. Sure, he'd be putting himself on the line. But isn't that the point? She told him what she'd need to know, to give him the opportunity, and still he didn't want to take a risk. So let's say they had reunited in spite of that. Would it still have worked out? I'm not so sure. There would have been dissatisfaction, and maybe, eventually, distance.

 

This is even more true in your case, where you feel like you've been putting in all the emotional energy and getting back zip. Don't settle. You deserve far better than that.

[J dub]

Hi Dahlia,

 

First off...wow...I am speechless that you singled me out for advice, that really means a lot to me

 

second, you already have received excellent advice on here from Omega and seachange and I dont really have anything to add to it because they both really hit the nail on the head.

 

Seachange had the right idea about the Text being unsatisfying as far as the dude wanting another shot with the girl. When you put yourself in his shoes: if you wanted your girl back, would you simply give up after one text message? two? Wouldnt you call, come by, do SOMETHING to get their attention in an matter-of-fact way that shows your intentions?

 

My first thought when I read that was "yeah right he didnt want her back and he wasnt testing the waters at all, that was his way of being an opportunist and seeing the situation for what its worth: being the good guy." It's been said that when men love a women, they will move proverbial mountains to get her. And its true...ask any man who is truly in love and they'll tell you that nothing will stop them when it comes to her.

 

So my interpretation of your situation is basically that youre inquiring whether or not you should maintain NC or if it may hurt you because it seems to have backfired on some other girl..is that right?

 

If so, my suggestion is that you keep on keepin' on. Meaning, unless he is calling you with the magic I'm sorry's, then move on with your life and use it as a lesson for the next relationship. If he sends you a text that says, "hi, hope all is well" then, guess what? he simply hopes all is well. You see what I am saying?

 

For what its worth, my ex (when we were split and i was doing NC) sent me a text one random day that said, "I had a dream about you that you won some sort of lottery so if you see one for ten thousand, play it" and that was it. I'm like...are you an idiot? I didnt respond.

 

Then 3 weeks later he calls me out of nowhere with a band playing our song...that was it. Just amessage with our song, nothing said by him - just the song. i was pissed if anything else, like "how dare he" and deleted it immediately. I had it in my head that unless he is begging, forget him.

 

Needless to say, my standards were satisfied: he emailed, called, found me, begged, apologized, wrote letters....you see, he wasnt being a coward like this other fella sounds like he was.

 

I hope that helps some

[J dub]

Also: everything happens for a reason, remember that. Perhaps this break up was a blessing in disguise, you just havent had the chance to see it that way just yet. My guess is there's better things for you ahead...

[omegaRED]

No dahlia, my ex was great, while we were together. We didn`t break up because of some fight (well we did, but that was just an excuse). We broke up because she wanted to be with someone else, and probably cheated on me while we were together (no way to confirm it, but all the signs point to that). I asked her a number of times if her feelings towards me have changed, everytime she categorically denied it. I asked if she wanted to be with someone else, again, categorically denied it. She just needed "time and space". She *knew* we would get back together (her words, i don`t believe in second chances), but we needed time apart. Well guess what? 1.5 months after we break up, i see her with a colleague of hers. Coincidentally, all the problems started when she got her new job and went to Austria, where she met him. She never gave me a clean break.

 

Jdub gave you some excellent insight here. We all want someone who`ll go to the end of the world for us, not someone who sends a "Hey how are you doing" text, and then when you don`t respond, moves on. Do you want passion and strength and risktaking, someone who`ll put his heart on a plate and hand it to you, or someone who`ll send a meaningless message and then give up if you don`t respond positively to that?

 

If i dumped a girl, and KNEW i made a mistake and loved her, NOTHING would stop me from getting her back. I`d put myself at her mercy, because I LOVE her, and I made the mistake. Girl, what you want is someone who loves you and will do anything for you, not someone who`s afraid to admit he was wrong. Not someone who throws the ball in your court without taking a risk to get you back.

[dahlia]

I want to thank both Jdub and Omegared for taking the time to answer my question. I really think you are both right. If my ex wanted me he would contact me and make that clear. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise. I sure hope so. I think I slept better last night than I have in over a month.

 

One more thing, I was also thinking about what if he calls me six months down the road, after he tried out many other girls, had plenty of fun, and then decided, well you know what, I think I'm ready to take her back. Then he comes after me. I will not take him back then. All that would prove to me was I wasn't good enough when he was with me, but after shopping around he couldn't find anything better. I know that I deserve better than that.

 

I have a friend who told me to set a reasonable time frame on my situation. He said give it 2 months, and if you haven't heard from him saying he loved me, made a mistake and wants me back, then forget him. It's over. I think that's fair.

 

I will keep posting on here with my progress, and hopefully one of these days, I will be so much better. I guess I am getting to the acceptance portion of my grief. I was having a hard time accepting what happened, but, I think I am starting to understand and that's a good thing.

 

Thanks again

[J dub]

>what if he calls me six months down the road, after he tried out many other girls, had plenty of fun, and then decided, well you know what, I think I'm ready to take her back. Then he comes after me. I will not take him back then. All that would prove to me was I wasn't good enough when he was with me, but after shopping around he couldn't find anything better. I know that I deserve better than that.

 

I'm not sure I understand: You think its bad that he goes out, finds himself, and yet still decides you are grade A choice for him? I dont see how that would be settling in your case, but perhaps I am just different.

 

As for the what if's, dont do that dance. What if's are for your mom to worry about. at this point, just get your day-to-day stuff taken care of and before you know it, you wont care WHAT IF anymore. Youre worrying about something that hasnt/may not happen, so dont waste your time Worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair. Something to do, but gets you nowhere

 

>I have a friend who told me to set a reasonable time frame on my situation. He said give it 2 months, and if you haven't heard from him saying he loved me, made a mistake and wants me back, then forget him. It's over. I think that's fair.

 

I'm not sure I agree...I know people who got back together 3 yrs down the road and married after that. I know some (my grandparents) who lost touch and met back up 20 yrs later and happened to run into eachother at a bar. Guess what...got married...

 

So in my opinion, a time restraint isnt really necessary. I think what youre saying is, I'll wait this long for him but then it's over. But you shouldnt be waiting at all because see, it already IS over....for now. Just hang in there and do what's best for you at this point. Break ups are an excellent opportunity to do something new...hairstyle, clothes, whatever you desire. Whatever makes you feel good

 

>I will keep posting on here with my progress, and hopefully one of these days, I will be so much better.

 

You will, thats a promise. Just get the idea out of your head that you are waiting. Dont wait, you ARE better than THAT!!!

 

>I guess I am getting to the acceptance portion of my grief. I was having a hard time accepting what happened, but, I think I am starting to understand and that's a good thing.

 

[dahlia]

Thanks for all of your advice Jdub. You have really put alot of this into perspective for me.

 

You are right when you say that it's over. It's so funny how so many of us, me included , find it hard to accept once we are dumped.

 

Have a great weekend

[J dub]

>You are right when you say that it's over. It's so funny how so many of us, me included , find it hard to accept once we are dumped.

 

When one thing ends, it opens a door for something else to begin. Sounds corny I know, but it really is the truth. Someday you will look back on this and think, WHAT did I see in that guy?!

[jacked17]

Accepting that it's over is such a battle between your mind and your heart. Then once it hits you it feels like a ton of bricks.

[seachange]

Accepting that it's over is such a battle between your mind and your heart. Then once it hits you it feels like a ton of bricks.

 

Ain't that the truth.