People who do not follow through

[JadeStar]

I was reading an article on this yesterday about procrastination and laziness. We all have had times where we put things we say we're gonna do on the back burner. However what is it with people who say over and over again, they will do something, and never do? I'm not talking about the occassional, "I'm'tired I'll do it later," thing. I'm talking about people who will say that they are gonna do this and that and never do it period. They never follow through with nothing they say at all. Is it that some people are just procrastinators? Pure laziness? Or is there another term for people that do this all the time? Why can't some people follow through with anything in their life? I have known people like this, so just wanted opinons from others on what you feel it may be.

 

 

 

 

 

Jade

[alphamale]

Why can't some people follow through with anything in their life? I have known people like this, so just wanted opinons from others on what you feel it may be.

my middle brother is like this and the funny thing is he is a physician. he is quite selfish and mainly cares about himself. he's one of those people that will say anything to your face just to keep you happy but the next day he forgets what he said. i don't know if it is intention or not but its just part of his personality. I have learned to live with it by "believing when I see it"...and taking most of what he says with a grain of salt

[ReluctantRomeo]

I see at least two possibilities. One is that they are procrastinators and just can't get down to things, the other is that it's a calculated strategy - they do get things done for themselves, but make fake promises to others.

 

I've encountered both types in my life. Neither of them make pleasant workmates.

[a4a]

I do not think that it is always deliberate, of course you would have to present a specific person and the amount of times they do not fulfill promises.

 

Things do come up and priorities must be changed daily in a persons life.

 

a4a

[JadeStar]

my middle brother is like this and the funny thing is he is a physician. he is quite selfish and mainly cares about himself. he's one of those people that will say anything to your face just to keep you happy but the next day he forgets what he said. i don't know if it is intention or not but its just part of his personality. I have learned to live with it by "believing when I see it"...and taking most of what he says with a grain of salt

 

 

 

This is true alaph I see your point. I have often wondered if part of it was just plain selfishness, and cares only about what they want. Forget the fact they may have told someone that they will do this and do that. I also have known people who have had alot of things done for them in their lives, so maybe thats part of it. Maybe they feel they can hand out fake promises, not follow trhough with things, because they feel eventually it will get done by someone else, and then they are free of responsibilty or whatever they said they were gonna do. I dunno.

 

 

 

Jade

[JayKay]

My brother is like that too....and so is my BF's brother.

 

It's infuriating because it's really hard to make plans with either of them. They're so wishy-washy about making committments and never meet deadlines.

 

 

For example, I asked my brother to make something for my BF's birthday. I asked him 4 MONTHS before I needed it done. Of course, he left it to the last minute and he sent it about 2 weeks after my BF's birthday.

And I PAID him to do it, too!

 

I think people like this really just don't realize that their behavior affects other people. Or they just don't care. they live in their own little worlds.

[slubberdegullion]

People who do not follow through

 

JadeStar, have you been reading my mind again? I came online this morning to make a post about the exact same thing.

 

Things do come up and priorities must be changed daily in a persons life.

Yes, that's absolutely true. But it's also true that making a commitment and then not following through, without a phone call or email or whatever, shows a complete lack of respect. Then, those same people get completely and utterly bent out of shape when their expectations are dashed due to someone else's busy schedule.

 

I see this over and over and over again. Usually - not always, but most often - it's those stuffed shirts in the "business community" who think that the world revolves around them. Getting some of them to follow through on a commitment is like pulling teeth.

 

For me personally, I always under-promise and over-deliver. If I pledge to have some work done by 5:00 pm on Tuesday, I don't mean 5:01.

 

Of course, if one completes a project that's a day late, you're a goat. But if it's a day early, you're a hero.

 

Why is this so hard for the business community to understand? And don't even get me started on building contractors!

[a4a]

[quote=slubberdegullionWhy is this so hard for the business community to understand? And don't even get me started on building contractors!

 

Ah but here you do need to leave some room ........ that is what my point was.. we deal with this quite a bit. If one trade lags behind it can throw off the entire monthly schedule for another trade involved in the project.

 

This could also be applied to the OPs general question...... at times shyt does happen..... but again if it is chronic there is probably a serious problem that causes it to happen over and over again.

 

a4a

[JadeStar]

I'll give an example of my dad. My mother can ask my dad to do something really simply. Such as, she has 2 bags of old clothes she asked if he would take to goodwill. He told her sure. This was almost 5 months ago, and there they still sit! When my mother asked why he hadn't done this, he doesn't seem to have a reason,and there are times when he does, they are the most lamest excuses there is.

 

There are other things as well that my dad doesn't follow through on. However, he was a really hard worker and great provider. Got the things done he needed to or was asked too at his job. Now, some people may say, "well you know why doesn't your mother just take the clothes, problem solved." Thats a problem in its self right there. Because it was the simple fact she asked him to do this for her. She is just as busy and he is if not more. He goes out all the time, shopping, running errands etc, so theres not a real vaild reason for why he couldn't. If she took the clothes for him, that teaches him what? Nothing except it justiflies the fact that he was let off the hook for something she asked him to do. kind of like a child that was asked to do something, over and over, they don't do it, and then the parent does it for them, it teaches them nothing but to be lazy and that someone else will eventually do it.

 

Shes not b*tchy, or nagging when she firsts asks. Notice I said FIRST. Sure after asking him/reminding him weeks/months later, then I can see why she might then get bent out of shape over the matter. I just don't know why some people can't pull their weight. And some of those things are real simple, to do. Ok so that was my 2 cents on my dad.

 

 

 

Jade

[JadeStar]

Ah but here you do need to leave some room ........ that is what my point was.. we deal with this quite a bit. If one trade lags behind it can throw off the entire monthly schedule for another trade involved in the project.

 

This could also be applied to the OPs general question...... at times shyt does happen..... but again if it is chronic there is probably a serious problem that causes it to happen over and over again.

 

a4a

 

 

Let me pull what a4a said, "if it is chronic there is a serious problem." Yes thats what I was meaning. Not sure if I posted that in my OP, but I was meaning people who do this ALL THE TIME. Not on an occassion, because we can all be like that.

 

 

 

Jade

[slubberdegullion]

Ah but here you do need to leave some room ........ that is what my point was.. we deal with this quite a bit. If one trade lags behind it can throw off the entire monthly schedule for another trade involved in the project.

While I understand the integrated nature and dependency of various trades to get their act together to keep things going smoothly, frankly if I'm paying them the big bucks I don't care one way or another why the project is late. That's their problem, not mine. That's why I hired them in the first place. It's either done correctly, on time, or they can expect a modest "inconvenience fee" deducted from their invoice.

[lilmoma1973]

 

My h procastinates about things all the time!! He starts on stuff and doesn't never finish it!! He is making my daughter a castle bed and did it one one weekend he had a four day weekend seems like it was July 4th weekend and he is yet to finish it!! i understand that he been working on fri sat and but when he does have the time he does other things!! I cleaned out my daughters room clothes she can't wear and toys she don't play with no more and it sat in the hall till a Thanksgiving weekend and when i made the comment i was calling Vetern's to pick it up he finally did away with it!! I have to constantly remind him about things and i feel that i am dealing with three children at times !! I don't like to bit%h and nagg but sometimes i have to get him to do anything!! He has started on several projects and has yet to finsih them !! I am the type of person if i start on a task i want to finish it as soon as possible !! Maybe its men in generally i don't know alot of my friends h's are the same way!! I guess it is really all in what you want to do!!!

[a4a]

Jade in your fathers case he does not see it as a priority to do this,?? however if he constantly ignores your mothers requests in similar situations I would say the issue is much much deeper.

 

I just battled a similar issue about the stupid lid on the q-tip container.... put the damn thing back on! I fixed it by not replacing the toilet paper onto the holder..... petty kinda, but it relates on other levels as well.

 

a4a

[JadeStar]

Jade in your fathers case he does not see it as a priority to do this,?? however if he constantly ignores your mothers requests in similar situations I would say the issue is much much deeper.

 

I just battled a similar issue about the stupid lid on the q-tip container.... put the damn thing back on! I fixed it by not replacing the toilet paper onto the holder..... petty kinda, but it relates on other levels as well.

 

a4a

 

 

a4a yes this is correct. Its probably not on the top of his priority list. He doesn't constantly ignore my mothers requests, but it seems when there are times that she asks him to do certain things, they are not done for whatever reason. She hardly ever asks him to do anything but yet when she does, it goes undone. I could understand more if it were on a regular bassis as far as her asking, but its rare.

 

 

Jade

[whichwayisup]

OK, I'm the QUEEN of procrastinating...But, I am the one who suffers the consquences, noone else.

 

If I commit myself to something or I have to get something done for someone else, I am accountable and responsible. IF it is just for me, I put it off until the last minute.

 

At work, I'm the complete opposite. My desk was spotless, I was SO organized. At home, the way I am, well - People would've been shocked!

[lilmoma1973]

a4a yes this is correct. Its probably not on the top of his priority list. He doesn't constantly ignore my mothers requests, but it seems when there are times that she asks him to do certain things, they are not done for whatever reason. She hardly ever asks him to do anything but yet when she does, it goes undone. I could understand more if it were on a regular bassis as far as her asking, but its rare.

 

 

Jade

 

 

a4a and Jade you are both right i guess that is why my h procastinates with things at home he would rather be doing something else .. i don't bitch and nagg till i have continually had to ask him to do something so frustrating like dealing with a child sometimes!!

[a4a]

a4a and Jade you are both right i guess that is why my h procastinates with things at home he would rather be doing something else .. i don't bitch and nagg till i have continually had to ask him to do something so frustrating like dealing with a child sometimes!!

 

May I suggest that you point it out to him in a non offensive manner..... then give him an example by doing the same to him...... of course you will have to explain why you did it and calmly do it.

 

My q-tip jar lid is now in replaced each day

 

a4a

[Outcast]

However what is it with people who say over and over again, they will do something, and never do? I'm not talking about the occassional, "I'm'tired I'll do it later," thing. I'm talking about people who will say that they are gonna do this and that and never do it period. They never follow through with nothing they say at all. Is it that some people are just procrastinators? Pure laziness? Or is there another term for people that do this all the time? Why can't some people follow through with anything in their life? I have known people like this, so just wanted opinons from others on what you feel it may be.

 

Now here we go. Slub, I'm not picking on you but your answer gives me a terrific example to use as I answer.

 

Yes, that's absolutely true. But it's also true that making a commitment and then not following through, without a phone call or email or whatever, shows a complete lack of respect.

 

It can also be one of the major symptoms of a disorder; in particular AD/HD. AD/HD is a failure of the 'executive function' of the brain, which involves a panoply of things; short-term memory, sequencing, time management, time awareness, etc. etc. (for more info Google 'executive function' brain; here's one article http://www.help4adhd.org/en/about/causes/pathophysiology)

 

Getting organized and staying organized, being on time, follow-through - if someone is chronically unable to do these things, suspect AD/HD. And understand this is an inability. You might as well ask Stephen Hawking to do the high jump. Not gonna happen. There are people now developing software programs, reminder watches, and other tools to help people with AD/HD get their lives in order. Some even hire personal coaches to keep them on track.

 

So you see to just assume that it's someone being selfish or disrespectful, you condemn someone based on an assumption that has no evidence to it.

 

If you have a friend who you know is chronically disorganized, you can do your own 'coaching' by reminding them more often of the obligation they promised or, like Al, decide to 'believe it when you see it'. Understand it's not about you!!!!! It's about a lack in their makeup and not about how important you may be to them. So taking it personally is the completely wrong approach.

 

then give him an example by doing the same to him.....

 

That won't work. You cannot 'teach' or shame his executive function iinto working.

[a4a]

That won't work. You cannot 'teach' or shame his executive function iinto working.

 

 

However it did work..... once the toilet paper was not placed on the holder.... it was a simple manner of showing that a small thing can matter to me as much as it matters to him.

 

To him a pet peeve about a roll of toilet paper off the holder ..... to me the q-tip jar lid..... it was a matter of making it more obvious to him in a way he would understand (or feel more empathy once he was placed in a similar position).

 

a4a

[witabix]

This type of behavior reall p's me off too. If its AD/HD then thats a mental problem that needs treatment.

 

I reckon with most people its just plain and simple igorance of other people, its a sign they think their time is more important than yours, they can not only waste their own time fannying about but they also waste other people's time.

 

I consider punctuality to be a basic sign of respect, a promise to do something however trivial should be kept. If there is a problem a timely call to explain that a delay has occured is a simple act and shows respect. In my mind its all about respect, don't waste my time, time is limited, and my time is as important as anyone else's

[Outcast]

To him a pet peeve about a roll of toilet paper off the holder ..... to me the q-tip jar lid..... it was a matter of making it more obvious to him in a way he would understand (or feel more empathy once he was placed in a similar position).

 

That will work if the person you're dealing with isn't AD/HD, and you can try something like that, but don't expect it to work on someone with AD/HD. With them, it isn't a matter of teaching empathy or lack of empathy in their case, it is a literal inability to remember things, to remember 'rules', to follow through. And yes, they do do it sometimes; executive function disabilities confuse people because people think 'if he can do it in X situation, why can't he do it in Y situation'. It's like MS - it doesn't affect people the same way constantly.

[Outcast]

This type of behavior reall p's me off too. If its AD/HD then thats a mental problem that needs treatment.

 

Yes but still a large number of people don't recognize the symptoms and don't know it's a treatable condition. Most adults today were never diagnosed and many are unaware that they have it. The estimate is that 4-10% of all adults have AD/HD. That's a LOT of people - four out of every hundred you know.

 

I reckon with most people its just plain and simple igorance of other people, its a sign they think their time is more important than yours, they can not only waste their own time fannying about but they also waste other people's time.

 

And here we go. You assume evil on the part of others and condemn them even though you have no evidence that this is true. It's just your assumption.

 

In my mind its all about respect, don't waste my time, time is limited, and my time is as important as anyone else's

 

But if a person's brain is no good at time management, then it's not about you or 'respect' at all so to get yourself all upset over it is to be upset for nothing. It's NOT about you!!!!! This is what I mean by taking it personally. Don't - it only upsets you over something that isn't in your control.

[Becoming]

I am married to this type, and, trust me, it'll drive you absolutely ape sh%t (no offense, a4a). Nothing gets done until it's a crisis. For example, our roof was damaged in a storm and leaked. It was covered by insurance and all it would take is a call to the insurance co. who would call a roofer they used to fix it. My h. said he'd do it. And he didn't. And he didn't. I had had it with this behavior by this point. So I decided to say/do nothing. The roof kept leaking until honest to God the ceiling fell in, creating even more problems! At that point, I just left with his babies because it was too unsafe. He woke up at that point.

 

These folks don't seem to have a clue how their behavior affects others until it affects them in a negative way.

 

Could I have made the call to the insurance co.? Sure. Would I? No. It just encourages the behavior. This is still an ongoing problem that is huge in our marriage (can't ya tell?). Just tell me "No, I'm not gonna do it" already! I have to stand tough and calm, which takes a tremendous amount of energy not to fall into the passive aggressive battle (like putting the bags of clothes in the front seat of his car with a "friendly" reminder).

 

In h's case, he was an adored child. If he forgot to do something, Mama did it for him. He thus never had to suffer the consequence of his behavior. His sister calls him Jesus because his mother thought he could walk on water.

 

The thing is, these folks are often quite wonderful. So of course folks are there to do everything for them, which only encourages them. But this behavior is so annoying it's easier to just do it for them after awhile. They can't SAY no because that would make themselves look bad, so they just DO no. And everyone else just seems to understand so they never have to see the negative consequences.

 

It's classic passive aggressive behavior, JadeStar. Look it up on Google.

 

Lilmoma--h did same thing with daughter's closet. It has drywall propped up against it. After 6 years.

 

Staying sane with these folks is the trick. Refusing to accept all the excuses, blame, and calmly holding them to what they say they'll do with witnesses or writing in the business world is sometimes necessary. I worked with one and cc'd his supervisor by email on everything he'd agreed to do because he wouldn't do it otherwise.

 

It has something to do with the perception of being controlled, so nagging only feeds it. Overcommitment. Underestimating the time it takes to complete tasks.

[Outcast]

These folks don't seem to have a clue how their behavior affects others until it affects them in a negative way.

 

Could I have made the call to the insurance co.? Sure. Would I? No. It just encourages the behavior.

 

See? There's that 'personal responsibility' thing again. Have you had him diagnosed for AD/HD???????

 

go to http://www.amenclinics.com and try the self-test. It's, IMHO, not terribly productive to spend one's life angry at someone and arguing with him when his problem might arise from an easily treatable condition.

 

I often wonder if people (NOT talking about you specifically) so enjoy getting high on the adrenaline of anger that they don't want to accept that maybe blame and condemnation isn't the best way to deal with such situations.

[a4a]

It has something to do with the perception of being controlled, so nagging only feeds it. .

 

 

Elaborate if you can further on the perception of being controlled, please......

this hits a button with me in a recent circumstance that involves this threads topic.......

 

a4a