Just need to vent...and some advice

[Roarz]

So finally I know the reason why so many preach NC...man if I could only go back in time and let myself know..I know all of you that gave me advice are probably saying "Told you so" and rightfully so, but this time at least I have no desire at all to go back to her.

 

Anyways, if you need backstory, they are in my other posts (click name + see other posts), but I guess it's not really important. 19 year old guy, 18 yo girl, her first semester in college, my 3rd. I just need to let this out and see if you guys think I was really being an ass or just looking out for myself. Either response is fine, and even if you don't read it, I just gotta get this out.

 

So I've tried implementing NC before and at first I was the one to break it and once I finally started sticking to it she would call me every few days and stupidly I'd answer. So like last night, she calls me, and asks if I'd like to eat dinner. We were trying to the whole friends thing and had had problems trying it, but I thought I'd gotten all my issues out and it would finally be fine. We are both at college so we eat in a cafeteria with a lot of other students. So we meet and she comes in with a mutual friend (not really either of our close friends, he's just an acquaintance from HS [they are definately not into each other, he has a long time gf of 2 years]) so that's cool, more people to talk to so it isn't so awkward. We end up getting in line to get food together and are talking and somehow she ends up saying "Oh one of my sorority sisters is trying to get me to go on a date with a Pike (some frat) and I'm like no way." Not really a big deal...I've told her 3 times that I don't want to hear about her love life ever (that was a big reason why we always fought post break up and I thought it was cleared up) but that line is innocent enough so I don't think much of it. So anyway we are talking and having an ok time and then what always happens happens; a friend of hers comes up and they start chatting. Not a simple greeting, but a full blown 10 minute conversation which I am never introduced to or invited to join in. I've told her about this too, that I don't really like being blown off and being made to sit there bored while she chats. If she invited me to eat, then she had better not just shut me out whenever someone else comes along. At the very least make me part of the conversation. So anyway, they finish finally after hearing a recent story about how this guy is on probation for underage drinking and other stuff. So I'm already kinda ticked for being made to just sit there and do nothing for 10 minutes (I did talk to the other guy a bit, but I was really expecting to talk to her, since she invited me), and then I get to hear "Ugh I can't believe I went on a date with that guy." At this point I'm kind of bored/pissed and don't want to hear more about this crap I've already told her not to talk about in front of me. So I just get up calmly and say "I'm gonna get out of here, I'm kind of bored and have some things to do." Oh boy I pushed a button there. She gives me this kind of stare and then says "Why are you getting so mad, what did I do this time?" so I say "I'm not mad, but I will be if you don't stop getting all up in arms. I'm just trying to leave." Then of course a huffy "Fine, whatever" to which I say "Alright, bye" and not even a look back.

 

So I had it set in my mind to not contact her and once she did, to tell her once and for all that this friendship thing isn't working. So of course, the next day, bam, IM asking why I "Always get moody around her when we hangout". So I state all my reasons why, which, giving you the best ones, would be: The little scene she caused last night, still talking about love life even though I said not to, telling me she got drunk and kissed someone, and after the guy she dated just 1 week after me dumped her, proceeded to complain to me about how all guys were jerks (these is just a bunch of reasons brought together from the time we brokeup. I know, I shouldn't have put up with it for so long, but I had fallen for her deeply), plus a few other ones I listed above. Then I get to hear about this whole big thing that made me feel pretty crappy for a while but I shrugged it off finally. Apparently since I said that I had no more feelings for her finally it makes it ok to talk about her love life, despite me saying no several times, and she just couldn't understand why I would care if I didn't have feelings anymore (of course it was a lie to kind of help myself believe it too, but honestly, can someone be that damn dense to know that it's not an ok thing to talk about just 2 months later?). She says that she tried to think of me as a friend and not as an ex, to which I just had to say "You have to think of me as an ex; that's how it is, you have to have some tact." And to the problem of people randomly coming up and her shutting me out, apparently this is my problem and not hers. "I'm sorry I'm popular and have a lot of friends, get over it. When we go out am I supposed to talk exclusively only to you?" Well, imo I kind of think so since *she* was the one that invited me and all, but maybe I am wrong. And of course the best one in response to all this "Do you think I am supposed to base all of my life decisions around you? WRONG...and that's why we arn't together anymore" (to clarify, in the relationship I had never made her do anything at all. Never put pressure for sex or anything, she was free to do what she wanted). I'm not exactly sure where she gets this idea..I didn't think just asking for a little respect as a friend and to not know about her love life was that big of a deal. And then I get "You're just unhappy with your life and you're just trying to bring me down." My life isn't the greatest, I barely have any friends here at college (short story is that in my 1st year I went back home [hour drive] every single weekend to see her while she was still in HS and pretty much blew off any potential friends) but it's gotten a lot better since the breakup. In the end I just had to say "I'm sorry but I'm done arguing, you obviously can't understand where I'm coming from. The short of it is I don't have any fun with you anymore and I don't want to be friends anymore" to which she says "Fine, I have plenty of other real friends."

 

"Ok, bye <click>."

 

And that is where it stands. After the conversation I felt pretty worthless for a while, like she had an extremely better life than me. I quickly snapped out of that after a few hours, but it has finally strengthened my resolve to just not speak to this girl again until she gets out of this phase she's in. I know she'll end up trying to call me, but this time I really won't pick up, because I have no desire to be made to feel worthless again. Each and each time this has happened only strengthens my will to go through with it, and this time I feel like I'm full up on it.

 

It feels good to finally not have to worry about her anymore, but what I want to know is, am I really as overbearing as she claimed I was? I don't think I did anything wrong by requesting those simple things if we were to have a friendship, but I'd like a little insight onto how you think I handled it in the end. Not that it will make me change my mind about her either way, but I'm sure I'll have another ex to deal with some day, so I'm trying to take this as a learning experience. Any takers? I promise I won't ignore your advice this time .

 

P.S. Sorry about the novel length, just kind of got started and couldn't stop from flowing. Writing about things really IS therapeutic.

[Painwraith]

Ok

 

Analysis of this girl...

 

She was trying by the sounds of it to make you jealous. In the conversations that you have written about she is always telling you how good she is, how she is desireable how its your fault you cannot deal with it.... This tells me without meeting her that she is insecure with the decision she made and by trying to keep things like friends it justifies her actions and will in her eyes make the whole process easier...

 

Sorry girl wont happen, now she is trying to move her guilt into anger toward you because anger is easier than being guilty...

 

 

Analysis of You.

 

You seem to be pretty good to drive home at weekends for an hour to be with her and all the other bits and pieces you have described show you to be a nice guy, you are also not willing to take crap and be a doormat which is very very good. you have dealt with the situation in a mature way by saying you dont want to hear about new boyfriends etc...

 

 

My advice.

 

Dont contact her, she will then not be able to put blame and anger toward you. if she cant do that then she will have to deal with her guilt herself. if she contacts you (and she is likely to after a few weeks) just answer her neutrally, if she gets angry just stand there and say to her calmly 'I dont have to listen to this'.

 

Trust me she is trying to feel better about herself at your expense. go out meet other people through clubs and events at university and meet some of those people that you didnt before, meet new ones as they come in for their first year. before long youll be fine.

 

All the best

 

Pain

[Roarz]

Thanks for your response man, it made me feel a lot better about things. Someone told me to look up narcissist and see if she fit any of those, and suprisingly she fits a lot of the categories, based on all of my past experiences with her and even just with what I've posted.

 

From http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/dsm-iv.html#npd

 

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy.

 

But, as soon as you try to get close to them, they'll say that you are too demanding...

 

Reading that page has really kind of opened my eyes to why she is the way she is...I didn't know it was some kind of disorder. Because I didn't think that her getting drunk and clubbing and all that wasn't as special and exciting as she made it out to be, she got mad. A thing that struck me was "Once they think that you are no longer "special" or a person of power, they will drop you." So basically once she thought I was too ordinary and didn't boost her social status, she dropped me, which is exactly what happened. Ahh well, I guess it was good that I finally got out of it. I'm sure other people have figured out that their SO's were narcissists...do they ever come out of it?

[Painwraith]

I tried to understand my Ex who I suspect may have BPD.

 

I filed and got burned again. best thing to do man is not to wonder why and try to accept they will not get better.

 

Dont let them drag you down that is either conciously or unconsiously what they want to do.

 

You are better than that and you will rise again and be marvellous.

 

we are made out of the same stuff as the stars. trust me there is more out there, we just have to find it.

 

If you need me then call my friend

 

 

Pain

[itwontdawnsooner]

sigh... what a childish b!tch. sorry. you got out of it, you didnt put up with her crap anymore. she's trying to make you feel bad. girls like her can be so damned emotionally manipulative because thats their weapon of choice. guilt, jealousy, she tries to use this against you to make you believe, wrongly, that youre worth less.

 

id say she's worth less, because a manipulative person who is full of themself will find life pretty shallow. you did fine man. next time, youll recognize the warning signs of this type of crappy personality sooner, because youve seen it! live on!

[Roarz]

Yeah, she really is like that...and I just finally figured out that she left me not because of all the reasons she gave me. She left me because she liked someone else, plain and simple and now that it didn't work out for her (I guess he could see her bull**** from a mile away), she is kind of passively taking it out on me. I guess I pushed that reason out of my mind as a sort of defense, because I didn't want to believe she could have done that. All the signs were there, I just bought into her crap because I didn't want to accept it. Ahh well, all the more reason to end all contact with her.

 

On a funny note, during that argument I told her I thought she was becoming a bad person (from who she used to be) because she was drinking, randomly kissing, ect and she actually said in response "Haha, I'm a bad person? The other day some guy told me that he couldn't date me because I was TOO good for him." I was talking to my friend about it today and he said that's what guys say when they want to nicely say they're not interested at all. Lol, had to laugh at that one.

[Roarz]

Ugh, it's been a week with no contact and I can't stop thinking about her. I know it's not my fault for what happened, only hers for being so immature and acting on flirty feelings for someone else the first chance she gets. Sometimes I just think about it and get so pissed off, how someone could say that they loved you for two years could suddenly screw you over and just act so cold towards you, even if you try to keep on friendly terms. But then again I miss the nice person she used to be (or maybe I just thought she was and never saw this side of her). It's especially bad at night, while I'm lying in bed trying to sleep. Takes me hours sometimes to finally sleep. I know it's too early for this to stop, and it will take more time, but until then, how do you guys stop thinking about your ex? Whether good or bad, when you're alone or trying to sleep, what do you do to keep yourself from thinking about it?

[meltwithme]

Yeah, she really is like that...and I just finally figured out that she left me not because of all the reasons she gave me. She left me because she liked someone else, plain and simple

Yeah this finally hit me and I'm starting to feel bad for the next guy who has no clue what he's in for yet.

But then again I miss the nice person she used to be (or maybe I just thought she was and never saw this side of her). It's especially bad at night, while I'm lying in bed trying to sleep. Takes me hours sometimes to finally sleep. I know it's too early for this to stop, and it will take more time, but until then, how do you guys stop thinking about your ex? Whether good or bad, when you're alone or trying to sleep, what do you do to keep yourself from thinking about it?

It's difficult not to think about it but friends help, and it will help even more to make new ones and just hang out with them. You miss the person she used to be and the relationship you shared, but honestly think if you just met a girl and she was this stand-offish and cold would you even think about calling for a second date?

People are unique and meeting new ones makes it much easier. At bed make hot cocoa and if your lying there not being able to sleep go do something else relaxing, if you keep thinking in bed and want to sleep but keep tossing and turning it will get frustrating, so get out of bed for around an hour and then try again.