jennylyn Posted December 8, 2005 Posted December 8, 2005 What do you think it means if a guy calls/emails/texts several times a day (initiating about 75% of the time), takes you to dinner about once a week, takes you to lunch 1-2 times a week, asks you for coffee nearly every day at work, pays for everything (even though you always offer), offers lots of compliments, walks you home hand-in-hand when you go out, uses body language to suggest he's attracted to you (hand on knee or small of back, things like that)...BUT... ...he talks about other girls that he hooked up with and/or who are allegedly pursuing him? Like, for instance, if while doing any of the things I listed above, he pipes up that he was "good" on his business trip this week even though a beautiful woman was flirting with him, "unlike last week" when he was "bad", and when I don't take the bait to ask him to what he's referring, he brings it up--again--that he is "being good, but only this week", suggesting past and future "badness"? Also, he often talks about these two hot girls (much younger than us) that he says are pursuing him but one is married and the other has a boyfriend. Is he sending a signal that I shouldn't take his interest in me too seriously because he wants to play the field? Or is he just trying to make me jealous? FYI, we are both in our very late 20s, and while we work in the same organization, it's a very big organization so we don't really "work together". Thanks in advance for your insight!
westernxer Posted December 8, 2005 Posted December 8, 2005 How does this guy have time to notice other chicks when he spends all his time smothering you?
Gold Pile Posted December 8, 2005 Posted December 8, 2005 He wants to make you jealous. I've used the same tactic and it did help me score. But you have to be selective in it's use and it usually only works the first time. Going by thread title I thought this was all about me.
Author jennylyn Posted December 8, 2005 Author Posted December 8, 2005 That's what I'm saying. He goes out alot, like every night, so I guess he has lots of opportunities then, or so he says.
Author jennylyn Posted December 8, 2005 Author Posted December 8, 2005 Also want to add that he and I have never had sex. He tried once when I still had a boyfriend a few months ago, and I said no. I tried once when I broke up with my boyfriend, and he said no because he wanted to "take it slow".
Apathygrip Posted December 8, 2005 Posted December 8, 2005 That's what I'm saying. He goes out alot, like every night, so I guess he has lots of opportunities then, or so he says. so he says....trust me I use that BS all the time:laugh:
Gold Pile Posted December 8, 2005 Posted December 8, 2005 he wanted to "take it slow". He might be a loon:confused:
westernxer Posted December 8, 2005 Posted December 8, 2005 He might be a loon That's what I'm sayin'.
RecordProducer Posted December 8, 2005 Posted December 8, 2005 If I were you, I would flat out tell him (with a cynical grin or an angelic smile on my face): "Ya know... it yukks me out when you talk about women like that - bragging, that is. To me sex and love go hand in hand and it's not about being good or bad. I get pursued by men all the time, but don't feel the need to brag around about it." I promise, he'll shut the F up once for good!
FireReady Posted December 8, 2005 Posted December 8, 2005 Also want to add that he and I have never had sex. He tried once when I still had a boyfriend a few months ago, and I said no. I tried once when I broke up with my boyfriend, and he said no because he wanted to "take it slow". When he talks about being "bad" does he ever talk about girls that he did the same to you (of course he wouldn't say that... but you know, that he hung out with them loads) and then once he got them he bolted? Sounds to me like he's keeping you on your toes and once he sees he can conquer you, he's out the door...
Sami_D Posted December 8, 2005 Posted December 8, 2005 For one thing, he's trying to put you on edge about the 'possibilities' that he has (which are all in his head, I would imagine). That's a nasty, controlling behaviour and has to do with HIS feelings of insecurity. Secondly, putting himself across as a 'perfect gentleman' while talking about sex (and 'available women') as being 'bad'... says something else about his psyche which I don't like. And lastly, while texting and calling frequently and walking you home are quite possibly nice acts... they're also some of the early warning signs of controlling/abusive people. Watch out if he starts trying to drive a wedge between you and your friends (criticising them, for example). Sorry to sound alarmist, but he is exhibiting some warning signs and it might be as well to look out for others.
EA_1024 Posted December 8, 2005 Posted December 8, 2005 If I were you, I would flat out tell him (with a cynical grin or an angelic smile on my face): "Ya know... it yukks me out when you talk about women like that - bragging, that is. To me sex and love go hand in hand and it's not about being good or bad. I get pursued by men all the time, but don't feel the need to brag around about it." I promise, he'll shut the F up once for good! I agree entirely with the above. He's is obviously very insecure.... Elt
FreeMe Posted December 8, 2005 Posted December 8, 2005 For one thing, he's trying to put you on edge about the 'possibilities' that he has (which are all in his head, I would imagine). That's a nasty, controlling behaviour and has to do with HIS feelings of insecurity. Secondly, putting himself across as a 'perfect gentleman' while talking about sex (and 'available women') as being 'bad'... says something else about his psyche which I don't like. And lastly, while texting and calling frequently and walking you home are quite possibly nice acts... they're also some of the early warning signs of controlling/abusive people. Watch out if he starts trying to drive a wedge between you and your friends (criticising them, for example). Sorry to sound alarmist, but he is exhibiting some warning signs and it might be as well to look out for others. Couldn't agree more. I went with a guy like this when I was young and impressionable and he screwed me up, played head games, was emotionally abusive, manipulated me and turned me into a jealous person with his subtle and not-so-subtle (like what your guy is doing) tactics. He was exactly like the guy you're seeing.
Cecelius Posted December 8, 2005 Posted December 8, 2005 All the psych talk above is over the top. He's just puffing himself up. Unless you detect that he has a dungeon in his basement, he's a reforming nice guy who is trying to get an edge of some kind. If all of the stuff he talks about was true, then he wouldn't talk about it quite so much. Lastly, letting a woman know that you do not live and die by her existense by having it become known that you have other prospects is not manipulation, it's being an independent man and not a doormat.
Walk Posted December 8, 2005 Posted December 8, 2005 Is it possible that he's feeling insecure about how you feel about him? You said you tried to initiate sex, and he turned you down, but if that was a while ago, then maybe he's feeling like you don't find him that attractive or desirable. And you also said that he initiates dates, and calls most the time. Do you return the physical contact? Touch him, or flirt? Maybe that's why he's making comments about women who do. I'm just throwing out the possibility, I don't know how you act around him. Personally, I'd just ask him why. If you can approach it without sounding jealous or accusing him of wrong doing. Listen to what he says and then make your call based on that. Did you two of you talk about being exclusive, or monogomous? If after talking to him, his behavior doesn't change and he continues to tell you about his "good" and "bad" behavior, then this is what I suggest... The second he starts to tell you about the lastest woman he was "bad" with, grap his crotch with one hand, bring your face inches from his, and tell him "You're mine, bytch. You use this anywhere but with me, and I'll rip it from your body." Then give him a peck on the lips and smile really sweetly. *I'm kidding.. I'm kidding...*
Vertex Posted December 8, 2005 Posted December 8, 2005 He seems like he has elements of manipulation here... he is just trying to make you jealous so you'll "steal" him away from these supposedly beautiful women. He just wants you to pursue him a little more, I think. This sounds pretty similar to what I used to do... I don't do it anymore, but whenever I would mention another girl I'd do it to make the girl I was after more possessive of me so I wouldn't feel so insecure about always making the first move or always initiating, etc, I wanted to know the feelings were indeed mutual. However I now realize it's a really cheap and sneaky way to go about things. My advice: If you do like this guy, pursue a bit more and hope he doesn't bring up any more women. That's all he wants, I think. He if keeps bringing them up, lay the smackdown.
Author jennylyn Posted December 12, 2005 Author Posted December 12, 2005 Thanks for everyone’s advice! Well, he got back into town and invited me to a Depeche Mode concert, which was awesome. Sami - those are really good points about the controlling behavior and the women/sex=bad thing. I hadn’t even thought about his behavior in this way because I haven’t had any problems like that with men in the past, but it’s definitely something I will keep an eye on. Walk – he may very well be insecure about how I feel about him, though I’ve tried to make it clear without throwing myself at him or being clingy. Based on the way he describes his past relationships, I think he believes that women show their interest in a man by being clingy pests. I’m just not going to do that. There’s a little more to the story with me and this guy (let’s call him Joe). I’ll try to tell the story very briefly. See, we hooked up after I broke up with my boyfriend, but didn’t have sex. Afterwards, he immediately stopped calling/texting me, and didn’t return my calls. I thought he was no longer interested and I was very hurt. Several days later, I ended up meeting and going home with one particularly attractive man, who as it turns out is a good friend of Joe’s (I didn’t meet him until after Joe stopped talking to me)! Terrible, I know. Joe didn’t speak to either one of us for a month, with the exception of one conversation where he told me he was falling in love with me but could never trust me because I slept with his friend. I tried to explain to Joe that I really thought he wasn’t interested, but he was too hurt. I felt absolutely awful, and very angry with myself for what I did. I still can’t believe I did that. After a month and a few heartfelt, apologetic emails, Joe eventually forgave me and his friend. At this point I was completely honest about how I felt: I knew it would be extremely difficult for him to trust me again, and that I would be happy with just friendship, but that I wanted more. He said we couldn’t be anything more than friends, and I accepted that. But since then, over the past couple months, he has begun to pursue me more and more. So in summary, while he’s treating me like he wants to pursue a relationship, the last time I checked, he didn’t.
HowStupidAmI Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 All the psych talk above is over the top. He's just puffing himself up. Unless you detect that he has a dungeon in his basement, he's a reforming nice guy who is trying to get an edge of some kind. If all of the stuff he talks about was true, then he wouldn't talk about it quite so much. Lastly, letting a woman know that you do not live and die by her existense by having it become known that you have other prospects is not manipulation, it's being an independent man and not a doormat. Yeah, this guy's right. He's doing something right (you're still with him!); but probably getting the balance between showing you attention and making sure you realise he's not completely submissive a bit wrong - calling you too much and laying on the 'she was really hot!' too thick to compensate. I think the good news from this is that for this to happen he probably really, really likes you and doesn't want to screw it up by being a doormat. If he actually *wanted* to cheat on you, do you really think he'd tell you about it? You'd probably find if he just called you all the time and showed no interest in other girls, you'd get freaked out.
DuranDuran Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 I think he really likes you.....he's just afraid of getting hurt again. Plus, if he can joke around and tease and you don't walk away or take it too personal. Its extremely attractive to him. That's the kind of girl I'm looking for. One that I can be my goofy, stupid self with. Does he make you laugh ? Duran.
Author jennylyn Posted December 12, 2005 Author Posted December 12, 2005 And the drama of the day is that I texted him around 2pm to invite him over tonight to watch TV. He doesn't have cable but has a show he likes on Sunday nights. He has invited himself over to watch TV/sports recently, and we had a good time. Anyway, he hasn't even responded to say he can or can't make it (I assume he can't; the show comes on at 9). WTF?! I tried to call around 8 to see what the deal is and his phone wouldn't ring. Of course, I don't want to be the psycho chick that assumes a guy isn't calling because his phone is broken, but it may, kinda, possibly, be the case here. Guess I should just wait until he contacts me and see what he says, right?
Author jennylyn Posted December 13, 2005 Author Posted December 13, 2005 So I get a call from Joe. Turns out the day after the Depeche Mode concert, he took off for Mexico City to visit some chick he met a couple weeks ago! Of course I was devastated, and I had to tell him. I just said that the way he was acting towards me was really misleading if he didn't want a romantic relationship with me at all, and clearly he didn't. After several minutes of him blaming me for being irrational and reading too much into his actions, and claiming that all guys treat their female friends the way he treated me, he admitted what I suspected: He knew his actions were misleading but he's confused and emotionally unstable because he is still getting over his ex; also, he's attracted to me, likes the attention, and is very needy. The translation, in the words of my dear friend Elaine: "He's a crazy!" My therapist told me this all along, and deep down I knew it was true, but I didn't want to accept it. He is the very definition of "emotionally unavailable". Anyway, eventually he apologized profusely. I accepted his apology, but I'm backing waaaaay off of this friendship.
whichwayisup Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 He isn't ready for a new relationship. His actions, his emotions are showing that very clearly...Good that he finally TOLD you, instead of keeping you around to make himself feel abit better and for the ego boost. Back off is right. Forget him for now, go and enjoy life with your friends. Take a load off and don't blame yourself. The timing of it is all wrong now.
Fetish 2 Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 He does sound like a very perfect guy....don't complain..I wish my boyfriend would msg/call me more or take me out more. He probably just wants to let you know "hey other women want me... but you're the lucky one to have me"... I think it's just his way of trying to make u aware of what you have. Don't think too much of it
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