grieving time & so depressed for what i had! Is NC the way of reconciliation?

[caring guy]

Hi

My fiance has plit with me because i suffer anxiety & depression & she is busy & don't need it.

I love her to bits, all my life was with her when i moved in & now i feel so low as i'm back at my parents. I can't focus on my college work & am falling behind. I did text her too much initially & only got the occasional repy saying i was demanding & she hadn't time.

I couldn't help it. I was ok for so long & then boom, it reared itself again & i was a wreck, around the house etc & had to move to a friends to get well. I felt i jumped in a at deep end as i had lot more responsibilities & she was very critical of me! & it spilled over.

Now i sleep alot, & try to use computer & run occasionally. I see a therapist & take meds, but i feeel i'm hurting & in love with her so much & miss our lives together & can't understand how we can go from being in love & enjoying things to this.

 

I'm from a family of a history of long marriages & relationships & hers is so much the opposite!

Maybe if i do NC it will work?

Is there a grieving process & is this natural to feel so depressed?, she seems to be able to carry on easily, but she has no choice as she has kids etc!

I feel so immature, pathetic & see no end to it & that i'l be alone foprever if this illness keeps rearing it's head, or was she just wrong for me as she ended it when i was ill. On the phone we have ended up arguing & going over the same old stuff & no progress is made, i shouldn't have called! I know when we've split temporary before, NC has worked, but is so hard, we always saay things to each other we don't mean when we're angry, but we also always said that we'd never split because we are open & talk! She's just so much a different person now than before, so hard, i put a joke in my texts, one that we frequently used to call each other & said to me "what you call me that for"! I was just trying to make her reminisce & make her think we can be ok.

 

I just feel like hibernating & have no interest in life at the mo, i'm so down & mis her terribly, any advice please!

CG

[P1xie]

It's normal to go through a grieving period when you lose someone. Even if it's under terrible circumstances a loss is a loss.

 

Give yourself a time frame that you allow yourself to be down. Promise yourself that after your time frame you will do something for yourself so you aren't just sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. It's easy to stay in that rut of self despair.

[SMHappyface]

I understand that you are hurting right now, but if you truly want to get her back you need to show her what she's missing. Moping around being depressed is the exact reason she left you, and while it's hard NOT to be like that, you need to move on. Focus on things you can do to better yourself - the counseling and pills may help, but join a gym, get some new hobbies, get out and do things with friends - TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! She may act like she doesn't give a rip and if she doesn't, she's not the girl for you, but if she does, she just might be protecting her emotions. Give her space, let her talk to you - she knows you want to reconcile. What was the guy she fell in love with? Be that guy!

[suegail]

Over time it becomes harder to accept all the problems that come with trying to have a relationship with someone who suffers profoundly from anxiety and depressive disorder. When one begins to see it manifested more and more, and winds up in the role of pseudo counselor/caregiver, the reality begins to sink in and the question becomes 'is this the life I want to have?'

 

I would guess that if you have a chance at getting her back it will probably take some dramatic changes on your part. She'll need to see that you are stabilized, or at least well on the way to that. I'm sure she probably cares for you very much, but may be leary of what the future will bring because you are going through all these problems.

 

I hope you'll find ways to stay busy because shutting yourself away, sleeping too much, lack of much activity...that's about the worst thing you can do. It really will make you feel worse.

 

I do hope things work out for you...

[caring guy]

Thank you all for the wise words

I know your all right, but in the morning i'll feel like crap again & won't wanna surface! Maybe thats the grieving process thats saying i'm not fully recovered yet!

Happy Face, my interests will come back (running, cycling etc) & a gym i will join. I did this before during depression & it helped a lot, i just tryed to use it as a way of finding friends & trying to get a date as well as the physical benefits of it all!

Suegail, I know that my fiance thought that she may end up as a carer of someone not emotionaly strong & with a partner constantly taking pills & having these bouts.

I think time will help me get over this & councelling.

I feel that she doesn't want to see me at the moment, she knows i love her & last time we talked she asked me if i was still at college, i said i was doing it from home & that was probably a bad answer.

I just want her to agree to see me in the future & it will give me a goal. It's a shame i seem to get my happiness from others.

The way she was with me, unsympathetic & hard & always having a go at me was good for me maybe, but never the less probably drove me over the edge & i destructed. Should she have been like this if she loved me & knowing i have a nervous disposition??

[suegail]

I think it's normal for someone to react that way, even loving you, as she probably does. She may have been harsh or it may have seemed that way to you, and really how do you understand a thing like that if you've never in your life been through it? She doesn't understand what you are going through, and she probably thought if she took this less compassionate attitude with you and basically told you to 'snap out of it' it would be just that easy for you to make the adjustment, though of course it's not.

 

She'll probably at some point in her life realize all that. That day may come or it may not, but right now she just doesn't get it.

 

The main thing is that you do need medical care and counseling. In my mind that's the priority. I'm not concerned for her; she'll be fine. But you need to think about getting all the help you need.

 

And you're right - - you shouldn't go through life counting on someone else to make you feel better about yourself - to make you feel that life is worth living. Someone you have loved very much has walked out on you and that hurts terribly, and you will feel the loss, there's no getting away from that, but the time will come when you'll feel better about things.

[caring guy]

She claims to have had depression & anxiety, but at the time she had a new child & couldn't just run from it as she had responsibilities. I was supposed to have comited, but i guess it was too much for me, as they weren't my kids i needed to run & be on my own & in my comfort zone. So much for my commitment, i think if i had a kid & was a single parent, i don't know waht would happen, maybe that strengthens you & enables you to handle things because you have to, or maybe my anxiety & panic was a lot more intense than hers!

I just feel so alone without her!