pandnh4 Posted December 7, 2005 Posted December 7, 2005 i feel like my questions and posts are becoming more frequent but i guess i'm just having alot of doubts about my relationship lately, especially since it's been plagued with several fights and arguments in recent times... my question this time is about how we see each other: in almost 6 months of dating, i've done all the commuting to see my gf, and i'm wondering if this is right or fair... i mean, not once has she come to see me... now let me give some more info so that i am not skewing the story... she lives in san francisco and does not have a car... she used to have one last year when she moved into the city but later sold it because of the many pitfalls and problems with owning a car in a big city (bad parking, wear and tear, higher insurance, theft and damage, etc)... i live in oakland and have a car because i commute to work every day... the two cities are very close, separated by the bay bridge, and in smooth traffic the commute is only 20 minutes and the toll is $3... there is also public transportation (buses and subway) which would take about 1 hour... many months ago she said she was going to get a car, for the most part just to come see me and share the commuting... she said it was with the intentions of surprising me, taking me places, etc, and that all she had to do was talk to her father about getting her a car for x-mas... well over time i've heard less and less about this matter, and whenever i ask her she says that she's not sure about it anymore... she says that her mother and stepfather and everyone else in her family feel that she shouldn't need a car living in the city, yet nobody thinks she should be taking public transportation at night either... she says that public transportation makes her nauseous and feel unsafe... i've proposed that she come see me during the daytime but she often balks that it is too time-consuming and not cost-effective... i've mentioned that i would go pick her up at the subway station, help her with expenses, etc... she claims that none of her friends agree with her getting a car or taking public transporation either... i've brought up the financial aspect that affects me, namely the gas money, the tolls, extra mileage and maintenance on my car and she has generously offered to contribute some money towards that... but she has also said siggested that maybe it's the fact that i commute so much for work that turns me off... i disagree because i love driving but i just feel like knowing that my gf is willing to put in some effort to see me... she once told me that maybe i should get a newer car with less miles on it, and another time that perhaps i should move closer to work... if i move closer to work, however, i would be farther away from her, and although she claims she would rather take the other train to see me, it's still just as long, if not longer, a commute down to the south bay (sillicon valley)... these arguments, in my opinion, are irrational because they are financial impacts on me and they allow her to turn *my* concerns around into something about her, i.e. she is not addressing my concerns with her, she is only proposing that i do something about it myself... she has also said that sometime down the line we will probably live closer to one another and we've hinted at maybe living together but that is not quite tangible just yet, still several months away at least until her lease obligations are satisfied... i guess what really gets to me is that over time the things that she said she would do, for me in particular, are slowly fading, and i am concerned that it is because she thinks i will cave every time... i find it hard to believe that every person she has spoken to finds it reasonable for me to do all the commuting, even my friends find it very unidirectional... god i just wish she would get that car, i mean her dad would get it for her, pay insurance and parking too, so i just don't understand why she doesn't find it reasonable to go for it anymore... it hurts alot to see her slowly give less and less, and this isn't only about the car and sharing commuting... little by little i see her doing less on her own... she is not skimping on sharing expenses, i.e. she does offer to pay for things but it feels like she is expecting more of me (the other night after a fight she said that i should take her out to dinner and come see her)... man, i could go on and on but i'll stop here for now... any advice please, anyone?
Tangerina Posted December 7, 2005 Posted December 7, 2005 It does sound like there could be lot else going on but one aspect is that if you establish patterns people basically get used to it and stop thinking about it as much which can leave you feeling used... I was in the same situation with my ex, and yeah, it did make a lot more sense for me to viist him because I had family and friends and even work in his city and he only had me in mine, but I would get frustrated that he would only come visit me if I pressured him to. It started to make me wonder if I had stopped putting in effort if he would even pick up the slack at all.... Part of this was related to problems with the relationship and part really was just that we got used to the situation so it became an expectation... maybe try to sort out how much of each is in your situation and work from there.... that is nice that she offered to help out! I always have always had more money (not a lot as a poor college student, but enough) than my BFs so I spend on them more then they spend on me... also just to be able to do things that I want to do with them like go out to dinner... and I didn't mind spending and they would be apporopriately grateful, and pay for me when they could, but then every once in a while a situation would come up where they would just expect me to whip out the $3 for a movie rental or whatever... it was usually with small things like that but it started to bother me that there was some kind of expectation, however small....
tanbark813 Posted December 7, 2005 Posted December 7, 2005 Ahh, a fellow Bay Area-er. Ok, I have two responses to this. One general and one specific: 1. I've lived in the Bay Area my whole life and have noticed a trend among people who live in S.F. that they generally don't want to hang out anywhere else. If people in the city have friends or SO's that live in other parts of the Bay, they seem to always expect that their friends and SO's will come to see them. I don't know if it's because they assume that S.F. will be better or more fun than anywhere else but it's kind of annoying since it's a pain to hang out in the city if you don't live there. 2. Now, to your particular situation, it's already clear that your requests of your gf aren't working. You make good points, but she's not responding and not making an effort to come see you. Why? Because she knows that no matter what you say, you will still buckle and come see her. She's taking it for granted. Your best bet would be to start declining to see her. Just start telling her, "You know, I'm kind of tired and really don't feel like driving out to the city tonight. You can come over if you want but I think I'm just going to hang out here." Don't be angry or accusatory or anything, just be less inclined to go see her all the time. If you do it regularly enough, she'll be more likely to meet you halfway.
Author pandnh4 Posted December 7, 2005 Author Posted December 7, 2005 thanks for the responses so far... i agree that there are times where she might be taking things for granted, not so much with expenses but moreso with effort... i'm starting to ask myself what does she really do for me? i also agree that a wise approach might involve being less inclined to go see her but the problem is that i love her so much and really want to spend time with her... if i don't go, i don't think it will make her come to me instead... rather, she'll just be more inclined to see me less, spend more time with her friends, and let the relationship slip in terms of quality... sometimes she just seems so indifferent to us seeing each other... as a matter of fact, several months ago in the early stages of our relationship, it was hard to get her to see me even when i made all the efforts and put myself out there for her... i'm so sick of this snooty attitude of letting me do everything... even though i'm not *that* tired that i can't drive to see her, it's a real pain in the ass to sit in traffic on a friday evening on my way to see her, fork over toll and gas money, and spend 20 minutes looking for lousy parking while she's at home waiting for me, playing on her computer, and sipping on drinks with her friends and roommate... arghhhhhhh!!!!
tanbark813 Posted December 7, 2005 Posted December 7, 2005 if i don't go, i don't think it will make her come to me instead... rather, she'll just be more inclined to see me less, spend more time with her friends, and let the relationship slip in terms of quality... sometimes she just seems so indifferent to us seeing each other... Yes, that's a definite possibility. However, step back for a minute and think: Would that really be so bad? I mean, if she's that indifferent to you then why would you want to be with her anyway? If you do go out to see her less and it ends up that your relationship falls apart, then she wasn't that into you to begin with. Plus, you're free to find an East Bay girl who is into you. Win-win. i'm so sick of this snooty attitude of letting me do everything... even though i'm not *that* tired that i can't drive to see her, it's a real pain in the ass to sit in traffic on a friday evening on my way to see her, fork over toll and gas money, and spend 20 minutes looking for lousy parking while she's at home waiting for me, playing on her computer, and sipping on drinks with her friends and roommate... arghhhhhhh!!!! I can totally understand that. I've specifically turned down girls simply because they lived in S.F. and I knew it would be a hassle. And no offense, but you probably look like a pu$$y to your gf and her roommate going through all that trouble while they're just relaxing at home.
Outcast Posted December 7, 2005 Posted December 7, 2005 the two cities are very close, separated by the bay bridge, and in smooth traffic the commute is only 20 minutes and the toll is $3. All this complaining about a 20-minute ride and three bucks? Oy. I think it would be insane for her to buy a vehicle just for that. How much money does she make? Could she afford a cab trip to see you every now and then? But honestly I don't see the problem. It's not like you're doing a three-hour highway trip both ways. It's less time than most people spend commuting every day!
tanbark813 Posted December 7, 2005 Posted December 7, 2005 All this complaining about a 20-minute ride and three bucks? Oy. I think it would be insane for her to buy a vehicle just for that. How much money does she make? Could she afford a cab trip to see you every now and then? Clearly you have never lived in the Bay Area for any length of time.
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