Guest Posted July 20, 2001 Posted July 20, 2001 My story is about my girlfriend and her mother. My girlfriend's mother and father divorced when she was six years old. The father went his own way and my girlfriend was left with her mother. At that time her mother didn't really want to care for her and actually left the country to work along with her sister--maybe she was incapable of being a parent alone and wanted to recoup her lost youth--she married when she was 23 years old. So, my girlfriend was left with her grandparents for 13 years. Every year she would fly to meet her mother for about two months. After she finished high school she wanted to be with her mother and was quite depressed that her mother wasn't very responsible in wanting to be with her. Although, her grandparents did a wonderful job, she wanted to find out more about her mother. The plan was to be with her mother and go to university in this foreign country. Even so, her mother was very indecisive and it took some persuasion by her sister to accept her daughter, not to mention this took about a year. Now my girlfriend has been here just over one year with her mother and they really don't know much about each other and do not see eye to eye that often. Nevertheless, her mother is trying and supporting her daughter now. The major problems are the rules that she places down upon her. She treats her as she were 12 and not 19. My girlfriend and I have been going out for about three months or so and her mother is nice to me, but not that nice. She has said to her daughter that I'm nice, but am different since I have recently graduated from university and her daughter has another year and a half to go. She makes me out to be good and then paints me as not that great. Although, she doesn't say to her daughter that she shouldn't go out with me, she does try to say that we'll have different lives when I start working, etc...and that she should think about that. Also, she has said that she thinks I'm nice, but she doesn't know why she can't be that nice to me. A few weeks ago we went to a resort for a couple of nights...Apart from my girlfriend and I, there was the mother, her boyfriend, and my girlfriend's Grandaunt. The problem here is that her mother was keeping an eye on us so much to make sure we weren't "up to anything". My girlfriend and I had got up early to go for a swim. The Grandaunt had woken up the mother and within minutes they came down to the pool. This wasn't to swim, but to tell her daughter to get out of the pool and to put a housecoat on. I couldn't believe that she was like that since we had more sense then to do "anything" at the pool or anywhere else at that resort. Her mother seems to be immature as I have observed. She's 43, but acts and dresses as though she were 23. She even has gone out with much younger guys as much as 13 years younger...this maybe because of the way she acts...I don't mean to be critical since sometimes relationships like that can work out, however it seems as it reflects more on her level of maturity. At times I think that my girlfriend is the more mature one. They definitely have different principles. The other problem is that her mother wants her to call her where ever she goes. This could be going to the mall and then having something at a cafe. It seems that every stop we make during the day (and this is daylight) her mother needs to know what's going on or to check if were "up to something". And if for some reason the mother can't get a hold of my girlfriend she starts to lecture her later about not calling, especially since it could have been three hours without a call. My girlfriend said that before she met me it wasn't this bad...but obviously since she's known me her mother is very preoccupied about the two of us. She went as far to say to her daughter that she shouldn't have a boyfriend until she's finished university....She also has said to her daughter that maybe it's only a physical attraction that she has for me... Even though, she says that I'm nice, my girlfriend and I think that there might be some jealousy coming from her since my girlfriend is with me a lot of the time. I definitely think that her mother regrets all the years that she was irresponsible and is trying to make up for it now. She has even wrote in a letter to her daughter saying that's she's sorry that she can't be a good mother, but hopes that they can be good friends. I can understand at first that her mother would be concerned about who she's going out with. However, she's met me a bunch of times to understand that I'm not that bad and she should trust her daughter's judgement, especially since she's a decent person. I know that my girlfriend is getting stressed out and so am I. It's frustrating that her mother doesn't give her a bit more freedom, especially since she's not a little girl anymore. I don't mean that she should come home at some riduculous time, but that she has freedom not to call in to her mother at every intersection that she gets to during the day. They also have other problems that concern themselves only and this is because they really don't know each other..But when I'm added to the mix, it justs makes it worse. I feel that I'm not just in a relationship with my girlfriend, but there's her mother in it as well. I have always been kind to her mother since it's my girlfriend's mother and I should respect her. Yet, I do hope that they can work out their own differences with each other and that she's more accepting of me....Otherwise, I don't think that I nor my girlfriend can continue taking this treatment....And my girlfriend is concerned that she can't live her life without her mother dictating every move that she makes. She loves her mother, but she's needs more freedom than a 12 year old. Paul
Tony T Posted July 20, 2001 Posted July 20, 2001 Your girlfriend's mother is not likely to change...and perhaps to get even worse. She's operating out of guilt for not being there when he daughter was growing up and wanting to make up for lost time now. Your girlfriend comes from a highly dysfunctional family where there was abandonment and lots of chaos. The chaos continues. Get used to the situation or get out of it. If you stay in it, pay attention to your girlfriend and see just how she just what effects her own life and upbringing have had on her. I would have a lot of admiration for you if you can continue to be fond of this girl with all this crap happening around her. I think it will wear you down and there isn't a thing you can do about it short of breaking up and getting away from this folly.
ashesmum Posted July 20, 2001 Posted July 20, 2001 Your girlfriend needs to stand up for herself. She's past 18, she's an adult. As long as she lets her mother roll all over her, the mother's going to keep doing it. Look into the future with this relationship, do you see yourself with your girlfriend knowing she lets her mother trample over her life and relationship? Tell her how you feel and if she doesn't do anything, then you'll know. My story is about my girlfriend and her mother. My girlfriend's mother and father divorced when she was six years old. The father went his own way and my girlfriend was left with her mother. At that time her mother didn't really want to care for her and actually left the country to work along with her sister--maybe she was incapable of being a parent alone and wanted to recoup her lost youth--she married when she was 23 years old. So, my girlfriend was left with her grandparents for 13 years. Every year she would fly to meet her mother for about two months. After she finished high school she wanted to be with her mother and was quite depressed that her mother wasn't very responsible in wanting to be with her. Although, her grandparents did a wonderful job, she wanted to find out more about her mother. The plan was to be with her mother and go to university in this foreign country. Even so, her mother was very indecisive and it took some persuasion by her sister to accept her daughter, not to mention this took about a year. Now my girlfriend has been here just over one year with her mother and they really don't know much about each other and do not see eye to eye that often. Nevertheless, her mother is trying and supporting her daughter now. The major problems are the rules that she places down upon her. She treats her as she were 12 and not 19. My girlfriend and I have been going out for about three months or so and her mother is nice to me, but not that nice. She has said to her daughter that I'm nice, but am different since I have recently graduated from university and her daughter has another year and a half to go. She makes me out to be good and then paints me as not that great. Although, she doesn't say to her daughter that she shouldn't go out with me, she does try to say that we'll have different lives when I start working, etc...and that she should think about that. Also, she has said that she thinks I'm nice, but she doesn't know why she can't be that nice to me. A few weeks ago we went to a resort for a couple of nights...Apart from my girlfriend and I, there was the mother, her boyfriend, and my girlfriend's Grandaunt. The problem here is that her mother was keeping an eye on us so much to make sure we weren't "up to anything". My girlfriend and I had got up early to go for a swim. The Grandaunt had woken up the mother and within minutes they came down to the pool. This wasn't to swim, but to tell her daughter to get out of the pool and to put a housecoat on. I couldn't believe that she was like that since we had more sense then to do "anything" at the pool or anywhere else at that resort. Her mother seems to be immature as I have observed. She's 43, but acts and dresses as though she were 23. She even has gone out with much younger guys as much as 13 years younger...this maybe because of the way she acts...I don't mean to be critical since sometimes relationships like that can work out, however it seems as it reflects more on her level of maturity. At times I think that my girlfriend is the more mature one. They definitely have different principles. The other problem is that her mother wants her to call her where ever she goes. This could be going to the mall and then having something at a cafe. It seems that every stop we make during the day (and this is daylight) her mother needs to know what's going on or to check if were "up to something". And if for some reason the mother can't get a hold of my girlfriend she starts to lecture her later about not calling, especially since it could have been three hours without a call. My girlfriend said that before she met me it wasn't this bad...but obviously since she's known me her mother is very preoccupied about the two of us. She went as far to say to her daughter that she shouldn't have a boyfriend until she's finished university....She also has said to her daughter that maybe it's only a physical attraction that she has for me... Even though, she says that I'm nice, my girlfriend and I think that there might be some jealousy coming from her since my girlfriend is with me a lot of the time. I definitely think that her mother regrets all the years that she was irresponsible and is trying to make up for it now. She has even wrote in a letter to her daughter saying that's she's sorry that she can't be a good mother, but hopes that they can be good friends. I can understand at first that her mother would be concerned about who she's going out with. However, she's met me a bunch of times to understand that I'm not that bad and she should trust her daughter's judgement, especially since she's a decent person. I know that my girlfriend is getting stressed out and so am I. It's frustrating that her mother doesn't give her a bit more freedom, especially since she's not a little girl anymore. I don't mean that she should come home at some riduculous time, but that she has freedom not to call in to her mother at every intersection that she gets to during the day. They also have other problems that concern themselves only and this is because they really don't know each other..But when I'm added to the mix, it justs makes it worse. I feel that I'm not just in a relationship with my girlfriend, but there's her mother in it as well. I have always been kind to her mother since it's my girlfriend's mother and I should respect her. Yet, I do hope that they can work out their own differences with each other and that she's more accepting of me....Otherwise, I don't think that I nor my girlfriend can continue taking this treatment....And my girlfriend is concerned that she can't live her life without her mother dictating every move that she makes. She loves her mother, but she's needs more freedom than a 12 year old.
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