fomerlyniceguy Posted December 7, 2005 Posted December 7, 2005 Ok I thought about posting this in the self improvement section but since it was brought on by my impending divorce I am posting it here. I come to the realization that in my marriage I was too tried to be too understanding. Here is a for instance. My wife and her boss at the time started going out with a group of friends for lunch on Fridays at work. Ok no biggy. Then occasionally she would say oh yeah me and R went to lunch together and talked about so and so. Ok once no big thing. After a while it became more frequent. I knew the guy pretty well and knew he seemed very commited and for the most part very happy in his marriage. UI let it go because I knew he was very much a mentor to her. One day he announces that he is taking another job, and she comes unglued crying, upset he never told her he was leaving etc. Of course I did my best to calm her down. A few days later she wants to go out and buy a going away gift, had to be the perfect one. Of course I have my suspisions as to her feelings. I have no reason to believe they were having an affair, as some of the other signs weren't there. But I do believe she had feelings for him. Now I feel stupid for trying to be so understanding and feel like I should stuck my foot in her a*ss about it metaphorically speaking. Any others see a different point of view, or have similar stories? fng
Outcast Posted December 7, 2005 Posted December 7, 2005 I don't think they were having an affair. I think she was getting a crush on him and he may have left the job to escape her. That he didn't tell her he was leaving is very telling. Feel sorry for her and ask her to refrain from spending that much time with other men in the future. Friendships can easily turn to love which is why it's unwise for people of opposite genders to develop close friendships when they're married.
slubberdegullion Posted December 7, 2005 Posted December 7, 2005 This is one of those "damned if you do, damned if you don't" scenarios. If you support her and encourage friendships outside the relationship, you're damned because you may be unintentionally fostering a growing romance outside your marriage. If you suggest that it's not a good idea for her to hang out with this fellow, then you're controlling and not allowing her to live her life. Either way, you lose. It seems pretty clear that she did/does have feelings for this guy. Now, that's pretty common in an office or other work environment. But it's up to the people involved to maintain their fidelity to their own partners and not allow temptations to get the best of them. Frankly, I don't know what else you could have done.
Author fomerlyniceguy Posted December 7, 2005 Author Posted December 7, 2005 In the long run I guess it doesn't matter since we are seperated and headed for divorce just trying to get a handle on it in the first place. She often complained that I didn't want her to have friends, which wasn't true. What I wanted was some balance. She often went to hang out on girls night and stayed out till 3 or 4 in the morning. It was silly because I was mad, but in the end felt like I was being unreasonable. She admitted later it was not unreasonable to expect your spouse to come home at a reasonable hour, especially if they tell you that they are going for one drink. Once again a damned if you do, damned if you don't. Hence one of the reasons we are headed for divorce.
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