Bpotter Posted December 7, 2005 Posted December 7, 2005 Hi, I'm just after a bit of advice on a situation as I'm a bit puzzled. Sorry if it's a bit long and thanks to anyone who takes the time to read it. Around September time a woman at work who I get on quite well with and trust, told me her friend (who also works at the same place, but who I don't see that often) likes me and has done for a while (since around Febuary). I'm pretty shy (she is too) and not too great with girls but eventually I asked her out (actually I sort of bottled it and just said "if you fancy doing anything at weekend me know", so I guess she asked me out really). She texted me and we went out. We had a really good night and I told her I liked her, she said she felt the same and we had a little kiss. She texted me when she got in saying she enjoyed herself and thanks for a good night. A week later we went on a works night out and we talked a lot and had a good night. We'd had a bit to drink and shared a taxi and she invited me in to hers for a drink. I mentioned I enjoyed when we went out before and was hoping we could go out some more. At this point she started telling me that she's had two bad experiences. She's had two big long term relationships, both living together and she's been ditched both times, once virtually at the alter. She seems to blame herself for this and was saying she's "damaged" and that she "would be bad for me". She also completely lacks confidence and kept saying she couldn't understand what I saw in her because she's not a nice person (even on our first date she asked me a few times if I'd asked her out because her friend had asked me to). I'm 25 and she's 5 years older than me so she's bound to have some kind of baggage and I told her that it doesn't bother me because I like her and I'm willing to give it a try. We ended up kissing and I stayed the night. We didn't have sex, just kissed a lot and fooled around. The next morning she was fine and we kissed a lot more, mostly instigated by her. Since then she's been off work a few days sick and we've both been pretty busy for the past couple of weekends so haven't had a chance to go out. I've popped in to see her and say hello at work a few times and she's been friendly enough. The other day I asked her out and she said she was busy so I said anytime she's free to let me know. Later that day straight out of the blue, I got a text from her saying she thinks we should stop as friends before things get complicated. I responded saying I thought it seems a shame not to give us a chance and I'm prepared to take things slowly but if she really wants then just friends is OK. The thing is I think she does like me. Nothing's happened between now and when I stayed over to make her suddenly not like me. Her friend thinks she still likes me and says that she's a bit screwed up and can be pretty moody and emotional. I think she's scared to let anyone get too close and I'm not sure how I should handle it as I want her to give me a chance and to try and get something going with her. Next Friday it's the works christmas party and the following week there's another party we'll both be at. I'm going to talk to her then but I'm not really sure what angle I should take. Has anyone had a situation like this or any advice on what I should do? Cheers.
Devildog Posted December 7, 2005 Posted December 7, 2005 She sounds like the drama queen "woe is me" type. The world is out to get them, they can't be happy, they might as well give up now before they get hurt. And they are the perfect definition of the self-fulfilling prophecy. These kind of people are an emotional black hole. You will never be able to give them enough attention / affection to satisfy them. The more you try, the more they will expect. They require a level of attention that no one can sustain for long. She is expecting you to prove yourself by making overt attempts to win her heart and in the process make her feel desireable. this will work for awhile, but when you stop giving 110% to her, she will get mad and give you the ol' "you don't love me anymore" routine. Be cordial to her at the parties. But don't chase her.
itwontdawnsooner Posted December 7, 2005 Posted December 7, 2005 i dont think theres an angle to take - basically, she sensed it was moving in that direction, she probably has feelings too, but shes not ready. i dont know that she wants to be purused, BUT she isnt happy it seems- and thats a big red flag, you cant make her happy - if shes not happy with herself, she's going to rely too much on you for that, even if you get in a relationship, and thats not good news... not a good situation be cordial, dont pursue, if she gets even colder, you need to just let it be
gfto Posted December 7, 2005 Posted December 7, 2005 You need to be more of a challenge. On the first few dates, you shouldn't be telling her how much you like her or what a great time you're having. Instead, you should be focusing on humor and making her laugh. Also, you're being too available. You've told her several times that anytime she wants to do something, to just call you. She's thinking, geez, doesn't he have any social life? It turned her off. Unfortunately, she has already LJBF'd you (let's just be friends), so you've essentially been disqualified as Mr. Right for her. From now on, when you run into her, just be cordial and act as if nothing happened. Don't tell her how you feel. Don't ask her out again. Just keep it light and funny. Meanwhile, you should be getting new phone numbers.
witabix Posted December 7, 2005 Posted December 7, 2005 You've told her several times that anytime she wants to do something, to just call you. She's thinking, geez, doesn't he have any social life? It turned her off. I think this so true. Exactly the mistake I made and am now in the process of trying to rectify. I thought I was being cool, but I was being an idiot! People with a problem with themselves are difficult to deal with. That doesn't mean they are not worth the effort, but it takes a LOT of effort and balancing on a tightrope, and sometimes you cannot even see the tightrope. In your situation, back right off. Let her come to you on your terms. If she doesn't then you have lost nothing and gained a valuable experience.
Author Bpotter Posted December 7, 2005 Author Posted December 7, 2005 Cheers for the replies. I guess I'll just wait and see what happens. It's just frustraiting that I thought I'd got somewhere and now I seem to be back to square one.
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