Cclhxx Posted March 10 Share Posted March 10 (edited) This happened last year when we were still dating, and our relationship had started to show a lot of arguments. There was a day when I was so sick that I couldn't get out of bed. I asked my boyfriend to accompany me to recover, but he said he couldn't because he had a meeting during the day. Then I asked him to come in the evening, but he didn't show up. Two days later, when I felt better, I went to his apartment, and the security guard told me he came back with his younger brother and sister-in-law around 2 am, with his sister-in-law drunk from two days ago. I asked him where he was the night I was still sick. Finally, he said that he went with his business friends and his brother and sister in law to a club owned by one of his business friends. I felt very angry, and I cried right then and there. I was angry because he kept this a secret from me, and also because he preferred having fun over taking care of me while I was sick. He tried to explain that his work in the music industry sometimes meant he had to meet people like this. But why didn't he refuse by saying he had to go home because I was sick? I realized at that time I was being selfish, but before that, I had never given him any prohibitions on doing anything. It was only at that time when I was sick and asked for more attention from him. He always said that I was his first priority, but it seemed like his words were just bullshit. Now. Even though we have separated, sometimes the memory still lingers in my mind. I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist as suffering from mixed anxiety and depressive disorder after our broke up. Even though I have now tried to make peace with that incident, I really want to share this story and ask, did I deserve to feel really disappointed in him at that time? Edited March 10 by Cclhxx Typo Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 10 Share Posted March 10 It seems like you dodged a bullet if he had a tendency toward selfish deceitful behavior. Try to reframe it as being free from this clown. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GypsyArcher Posted March 10 Share Posted March 10 Why would you want to expose him to your sickness and possibly make him sick too? I really would not want to go and hang out with a sick person. Wouldn't you have felt terrible if he got sick too and ended up as bad or worse than you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cclhxx Posted March 10 Author Share Posted March 10 What I mean by sick is, I had a miscarriage Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 10 Share Posted March 10 He sounds like a horrible person. It's ridiculous to worry about if he got sniffles when you are having a gyn crisis. Please continue to take care of yourself and your physical and mental health. This clown was completely toxic. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 10 Share Posted March 10 3 minutes ago, Cclhxx said: What I mean by sick is, I had a miscarriage That makes a difference. I thought you meant a cold or something. Where did you want him to accompany you? The hospital? If this is the case and he blew you off and didn't even see you that night be glad he's gone. He didn't care about you at all. So sorry you went through that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cclhxx Posted March 10 Author Share Posted March 10 26 minutes ago, GypsyArcher said: Why would you want to expose him to your sickness and possibly make him sick too? I really would not want to go and hang out with a sick person. Wouldn't you have felt terrible if he got sick too and ended up as bad or worse than you? I had a miscarriage Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cclhxx Posted March 10 Author Share Posted March 10 18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: He sounds like a horrible person. It's ridiculous to worry about if he got sniffles when you are having a gyn crisis. Please continue to take care of yourself and your physical and mental health. This clown was completely toxic. I am making peace with all that have had happened. Lesson learnt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cclhxx Posted March 10 Author Share Posted March 10 18 minutes ago, stillafool said: That makes a difference. I thought you meant a cold or something. Where did you want him to accompany you? The hospital? If this is the case and he blew you off and didn't even see you that night be glad he's gone. He didn't care about you at all. So sorry you went through that. He did accompanied me in the hospital and the doctor said that i coulf go home but i still need to have a bed rest for few days. That’s why i asked him to accompany me recovering. Well i guess his business partner is more important than me Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 10 Share Posted March 10 How long have you been broken up? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cclhxx Posted March 10 Author Share Posted March 10 17 minutes ago, stillafool said: How long have you been broken up? Half a year. But sometimes i still reminisced this awful memories. I am trying my best to move on Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 10 Share Posted March 10 54 minutes ago, Cclhxx said: What I mean by sick is, I had a miscarriage Assuming it was his baby he absolutely should have been by your side, not out clubbing. If you had the flu, he had no obligation to care for you & it's understandable that he didn't want to be exposed to a contagion. However he shouldn't have lied about it. You will get over this when you get angry. This man sound so callous. You dodged a bullet on many levels. Mourn the loss of your baby but celebrate the fact that he's gone from your life. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted March 10 Share Posted March 10 No, you didn't deserve his treatment. Did you deserve to feel disappointed by his behavior at the time? Yes times a million. We almost always have a right to our disappointment. I'm not sure why you are even asking this question. This guy treated you like dirt at a key time when you needed attention and love and care. And you're wondering whether you had the right to be disappointed. Stop! You would have to be a rock or a robot, maybe not to have felt what you felt.. But look, even robots these days with AI would feel rejected and abandoned. Trust those feelings. Generally we don't feel bad if people are treating us well. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 10 Share Posted March 10 2 hours ago, Cclhxx said: What I mean by sick is, I had a miscarriage That is a whole different story. Yes, I would be absolutely broken hearted if I had a miscarriage and my partner chose to go out with other people at her than stay with me. I’m very sorry that this happened to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted March 10 Share Posted March 10 You had a normal reaction, most people would be hurt by the realisation that their partner doesn't care about them. Sorry that you went through a miscarriage, and that the person who should have been supporting you wasn't there, that's extremely hurtful. But, the bright side is that you're rid of him. He's ignorant and self-absorbed, and had you had a child with him I have no doubt you would have ended up raising it on your own. In a way, the universe was looking out for you by showing you who he really is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted March 10 Share Posted March 10 2 hours ago, Cclhxx said: Half a year. But sometimes i still reminisced this awful memories. I am trying my best to move on Yes of course you had the right to feel angry and disappointed. But I’d be concerned about why you’re still holding onto that now? Do you still have feelings for him? Do you want to get back together? Holding onto anger is just hurting you at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted March 10 Share Posted March 10 4 hours ago, Cclhxx said: Even though I have now tried to make peace with that incident, I really want to share this story and ask, did I deserve to feel really disappointed in him at that time? You had every right to feel disappointed in him and even angry with him. It was unbelievably cruel of him to abandon you like that when you needed him. I'm sorry for what you experienced and relieved that you're no longer together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cclhxx Posted March 11 Author Share Posted March 11 5 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: No, you didn't deserve his treatment. Did you deserve to feel disappointed by his behavior at the time? Yes times a million. We almost always have a right to our disappointment. I'm not sure why you are even asking this question. This guy treated you like dirt at a key time when you needed attention and love and care. And you're wondering whether you had the right to be disappointed. Stop! You would have to be a rock or a robot, maybe not to have felt what you felt.. But look, even robots these days with AI would feel rejected and abandoned. Trust those feelings. Generally we don't feel bad if people are treating us well. At that time when we argued, he kept saying that I was very dramatic and exaggerating something trivial. According to him, I already seemed to have recovered from before but it’s completely wrong. This made me lose confidence to ask who was really right or wrong. For months, I tried to make peace and forgive what had happened until finally, I decided to tell this. I really want to know if I truly deserve all of it or if it's actually wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted March 11 Share Posted March 11 8 hours ago, Cclhxx said: What I mean by sick is, I had a miscarriage I’m sorry this happened to you. Even if you had common cold, his refusal to visit you and his lies would have been a serious problem. Behaving like that after your had a miscarriage is a sign of coldness of heart, severe lack of empathy and love. You are fortunate not to be with that person anymore. You’ve been wronged and anyone in your place would feel bad. There is absolutely nothing wrong with your reaction. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cclhxx Posted March 11 Author Share Posted March 11 5 hours ago, Weezy1973 said: Yes of course you had the right to feel angry and disappointed. But I’d be concerned about why you’re still holding onto that now? Do you still have feelings for him? Do you want to get back together? Holding onto anger is just hurting you at this point. I don’t know if i still have feelings for him or not… i really want to make peace with myself after all that happened. But in the same time i wish that he still want to reach out to me and apologize for what he did Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted March 11 Share Posted March 11 (edited) At that time when we argued, he kept saying that I was very dramatic and exaggerating something trivial. According to him, I already seemed to have recovered from before but it’s completely wrong. You gotta stop hanging out with immature jerks. And you certainly don't want to date a jerk if you aren't good at identifying when the jerk is being a jerk. Guy tries to tell you how you feel when you're in pain, dismisses your pain. You don't ask "is he right?" You ask, "how did I miss that this guy was an idiot?" And then you say goodbye to this person and delete all their contact info and block them. If you're looking for the jerk to step up and apologize, then that will never happen. You have to avoid jerks and say no to jerks and curse them out behind their backs and feel good in your anger. If you can't stand up for yourself when a jerk acts the jerk, then take a break from dating. It's not safe for you to date. Edited March 11 by Lotsgoingon 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted March 11 Share Posted March 11 (edited) And talk to friends when you doubt yourself. You want to develop strong and supportive friends. Edited March 11 by Lotsgoingon 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 11 Share Posted March 11 4 hours ago, Cclhxx said: But in the same time i wish that he still want to reach out to me and apologize for what he did This is likely never going to happen. He isn't the kind, thoughtful boyfriend you wanted. That isn't likely to change now, after you have already broken up. His behaviour was terrible, and it's a good thing he is gone now. But you are also going to need to find a healthy coping mechanism when you feel angry and hurt about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted March 11 Share Posted March 11 5 hours ago, Cclhxx said: I don’t know if i still have feelings for him or not… i really want to make peace with myself after all that happened. But in the same time i wish that he still want to reach out to me and apologize for what he did Don't hold your breath for a sincere apology. People like him don't reach out and apologize unless they stand to gain something from you. One of the healthiest ways of getting closure and moving on is to learn what lessons you can from your experience. That is to say, try to develop an objective picture of the type of person he was based on his actions. That way, if you ever meet someone similar, you will hopefully see him for what he is and steer clear of him. You can post about aspects of your relationship on this forum if you feel like talking about it will help you get it out of your system. You could also talk to trusted friends and relatives who have insight into relationship matters. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 11 Share Posted March 11 8 hours ago, Cclhxx said: I don’t know if i still have feelings for him or not… i really want to make peace with myself after all that happened. But in the same time i wish that he still want to reach out to me and apologize for what he did He won't reach out or apologize. He told you he thought you were being dramatic over something trivial. To him the miscarriage wasn't a baby yet. He has no understanding about the magnitude of the loss. He doesn't think he did anything wrong so he's not going to offer you kind words to make up for his transgression because in his mind you were wrong for being "sick" (your word) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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