MIOSBORNE Posted December 6, 2005 Posted December 6, 2005 We have had our ups and downs the five years we have been married. She has radically changed her appearance(eye color, hair color, perfume, clothing) within the last six months. She is really impatient with me around the house and can be downright mean to me over small things. Sometimes I go upstairs and don't know she and our two year old daughter are sleep and she will curse or tell me to "get the hell from up there." It's almost like she will intentionally try to push me away. She will do insensitive things like tell me to cook for her but then go to sleep without eating. Or she will tell me to go get us some wine coolers to drink and watch a movie. But after being gone twenty minutes she says she is too tired and goes to bed. If I mention our plans she gets very irate and abusive. If I just stop trying to aske her for "us time" she accuses ME of cheating or not giving her enough attention. However, she has a female friend whom she works with and they go out at least once a week and she always seems to find "energy" for this. Sometimes they "hang out" and she will call and say she is too drunk to drive home and will come waltzing in at ten or eleven that morning. She has thrown things at me for small reasons. I found about two months ago she was "talking on the phone" with a male. She said he was just a friend and she only spoke with him to help deal with the recent loss of her job three months ago. She says she no longer speaks with him. She always asks me about her appearance as if she's insecure or trying to impress someone. She said she is just trying to "compete" with the other pretty women here. I noticed she is "more" sexually active the past month, however with me. Some days she says she hates me and she plans to move out with my Daughter after Christmas. She has told no one of her plans but me according to her. I spoke to her own father and he did not know she was moving out. She blames all of this behavior on her depression and on me of course. She blames everything negative that has happened to her the last five years on me. I don't know what to do but am tired of going back and forth with her because sometimes I think she does want to be married. Please give me some thoughts on my situation!!
Kenyth Posted December 6, 2005 Posted December 6, 2005 If what you say is true, there are probably one night stands going on. I don't know how to put this gently. She sounds like either she is on drugs, or needs to be put on drugs. Something isn't right above the shoulder blades and I think it's past the time for you to fix it. You can try standing up to her and give her warning that you plan to leave if she doesn't shape up. I get a feeling she's cheated on you though. Probably more than once. If so, Humpty Dumpty has fallen and there's nothing left to discuss. If I were you, I'd start documenting things. The late nights, abusive or strange behavior to you or your daughter, etc. Keep a log or diary with dates and times. Look for any indication she may be taking drugs and save evidence in a plastic baggie. Check telephone bills or logs. Give her enough rope to hang herself. At the same time, go see a lawyer on your lunch break or something. The last thing you should do is take care of finances. Take her name off your credit cards or close them out. Get your own bank account and direct deposit. Remove all firearms, weapons, and prescription drugs from the house. If you have a jointly owned car or only one family car in your name, trade in your expensive car on a cheap one, she may get it and you'll want the payments to be as low as possible. Rent a cheap small storage shed or find a freind and put all your important stuff plus an emergency stash of clothes, cash, etc. in there. Inform your lawyer of your intentions to confront and leave her. Once you have all your ducks in a row, confront her bluntly and firmly. Preferably early in the morning on a day you have off, when you have time to do things. If she flips, you will want to get out as fast as possible and get a court order for temporary custody. You will also want to make sure the court mandates a drug test and mental/custody evaluation for your case.
cranium Posted December 6, 2005 Posted December 6, 2005 What is your gut instinct telling you? You've said before that she admitted to having an EA (emotional affair) and seems especially irritable or mean whenever Fridays roll around. I suspect more is going on with this OM. You are an irritation to her because you stand in the way of her exploring what she thinks is "greener grass". She can blame you for everything to alleviate her own guilt. You need to sit her down and talk to her about the condition of your marriage. Suggest marriage counseling. Have you thought about implementing any of the advice given on your other threads such as a keylogger to track emails or following her this Friday in a borrowed car?
JadeStar Posted December 6, 2005 Posted December 6, 2005 She has either done something or is thinking of doing something, feels guilty about it, so she inturn projects her feelings of guilt/anger for what shes done/doing over on to you. Either that or shes on serious drugs thats making her wig out, maybe its both. Try to get to the root of whats going on. Jade
Author MIOSBORNE Posted December 6, 2005 Author Posted December 6, 2005 She has had mental health issues in the past. She had a nervous breakdown tseven years ago. She also tried to make her last boyfriend into a monster. She said she once threw something at him and told me before we were married that she kissed another man while they were together. I guess this should have been a sign. All she tells me is that she needs space. But she gets mad when I go on as if nothing is happening then she says I ignore her. She is not currently working but says she will move in January if she finds a job before then. I think me giving her space and doing my own thing is best if this is an affair or if she is having mental issues.
Author MIOSBORNE Posted December 6, 2005 Author Posted December 6, 2005 Cranium, I really believe there is someone else waiting on her when she leaves that is her plan. I have suggested counseling but she has refused. I am thinking about having a friend follow her next Friday. My gut tells me this is an ex- boyfriend or someone from her past.
JadeStar Posted December 6, 2005 Posted December 6, 2005 Has she been diaganosed with some type of mental illness by a health care provider? We all are prone to nervous breakdowns when under alot of stress or experienced something tramatic. Not making light of her having a mental illness just wondering if you know this for sure or if its possible this is just something she has told you, as a possible excuse to justify her behavior? Space may be your way to go right now until shes gets cleared up whatever is going on with her. Has she ever been in counseling for any of these things? Jade
lilmoma1973 Posted December 6, 2005 Posted December 6, 2005 Cranium, I really believe there is someone else waiting on her when she leaves that is her plan. I have suggested counseling but she has refused. I am thinking about having a friend follow her next Friday. My gut tells me this is an ex- boyfriend or someone from her past. Could be by the way she is acting !!
Kenyth Posted December 6, 2005 Posted December 6, 2005 Cranium, I really believe there is someone else waiting on her when she leaves that is her plan. I have suggested counseling but she has refused. I am thinking about having a friend follow her next Friday. My gut tells me this is an ex- boyfriend or someone from her past. Quit waiting for it to happento you and act now!
Outcast Posted December 6, 2005 Posted December 6, 2005 Actually, if this is a radical personality change, she may be ill. Has she seen a physician? She blames all of this behavior on her depression Is there any possibility of bipolar disorder? People don't change radically like that. They might be a bit different but you seem to be saying she's very different from her former self and that's definitely a warning sign that something might be up. The last two people I heard of who had radical changes in personality turned out to have brain tumours. Not trying to terrify you but to illustrate that this may be a serious medical issue worth investigating.
Taylor23 Posted December 8, 2005 Posted December 8, 2005 MIOSBORNE: Your situation sounds a lot like mine and once I decided to try to find out if she was cheating it took about 10 seconds to catch her. She has all the same symptoms as my wife and my wife was cheating. I think they are mean because they have guilt and they try to be mad to make them feel better about what they are doing (it's our fault because we are such jerks). My point is - in my situation once I had the suspicion of something going on and I checked it out I found out I was right. I caught my spouse and confronted her about it but I had to catch her first or she would just have denied it. I am not proud of what I did in catching her but I think I was justified in doing it.
Author MIOSBORNE Posted December 8, 2005 Author Posted December 8, 2005 TAYLOR 23, I'm curious to know if you can elaborate how you caught her. Did you try and work things out with her or did you leave?
Mz. Pixie Posted December 8, 2005 Posted December 8, 2005 Miso- When she leaves, borrow a friends car and follow her. You'll find out what's going on.
Taylor23 Posted December 8, 2005 Posted December 8, 2005 It is illegal in almost every state to tape a phone call unless you have the consent of one of the parties to the call - so no one should do it. That said, Radio Shack sells a thing that you plug into the wall, into a tape recorder and into the phone that will cause the recorder to turn on and start recording the call once the phone is activated. Cell phones are much harder (and much more illegal) but a digital tape recorder that is voice activated can be put in a car and costs about $50. Again - the recording of calls is illegal and if a soon to be ex-spouse finds out it can be used against you in a divorce or reported to the authorities. I am trying to work it out with my wife - you can check out some of my other posts on a thread started by Cranium. I am not proud of anything I have done - I didn't enjoy it and it tore my insides out. I actually could not catch my breath at one point - but I had to know. Good luck.
Recommended Posts