please please HELP!

[antsypants]

Hi everyone,

 

This is my first post on this site, and the reason I joined the site. I desperately need help in coping with my very needy and insecure boyfriend, whom I also share an apartment (and a lease until June!) with.

First things first- I’m 24, and he’s 21. Normally this wouldn’t be a huge thing, especially if it really didn’t matter in the context of our relationship. But more and more I feel like I am more of a maternal figure to him than a romantic one, and vice versa, I always am doing the grocery shopping and cooking dinners. He helps a little around the house, but not significantly. He spends most of his time watching tv or on the computer.

Pair that with the fact that he won’t leave me alone. He will call me at work 7 times a day without blinking an eye, ask me what I am doing and what I am working on. If I go out with friends, he will text message me or call me repeatedly. Also, when something is wrong, he will follow me if I try and get some space, be it by forcing the bathroom door open or attempting to get in front of my car if I am trying to drive away.

I feel suffocated and out of control. My life has pretty much been put on hold since I started dating him- - I get nothing done because he occupies all my time. If I ask him for space, he makes me feel guilty, and/or smothers me with phone calls and stuff while I am out. He’s very jealous and possessive, and refuses to have me hang out with my male friends.

So- what do I do? I can’t move out, he can’t move out- neither of us can afford our own places and the rent we pay now…

I’m really desperate. I feel very lonely and stifled.

 

Thanks a lot,

antsypants

[ReluctantRomeo]

Talk to him. Explain gently but clearly that you still love him, but you feel stifled. Try to find out why he is doing this. Both of you should clearly express and hear each others' needs. Then agree some kind of compromise, with boundaries within which he controls himself.

 

If this doesn't work, he may need counselling. Clinginess usually has childhood roots.

 

Alternatively, it could be the first flush of enthusiasm - it may wear off. Then you'll be here complaining he never rings

[In Sync]

Hi everyone,

 

This is my first post on this site, and the reason I joined the site. I desperately need help in coping with my very needy and insecure boyfriend, whom I also share an apartment (and a lease until June!) with.

First things first- I’m 24, and he’s 21. Normally this wouldn’t be a huge thing, especially if it really didn’t matter in the context of our relationship. But more and more I feel like I am more of a maternal figure to him than a romantic one, and vice versa, I always am doing the grocery shopping and cooking dinners. He helps a little around the house, but not significantly. He spends most of his time watching tv or on the computer.

Pair that with the fact that he won’t leave me alone. He will call me at work 7 times a day without blinking an eye, ask me what I am doing and what I am working on. If I go out with friends, he will text message me or call me repeatedly. Also, when something is wrong, he will follow me if I try and get some space, be it by forcing the bathroom door open or attempting to get in front of my car if I am trying to drive away.

I feel suffocated and out of control. My life has pretty much been put on hold since I started dating him- - I get nothing done because he occupies all my time. If I ask him for space, he makes me feel guilty, and/or smothers me with phone calls and stuff while I am out. He’s very jealous and possessive, and refuses to have me hang out with my male friends.

So- what do I do? I can’t move out, he can’t move out- neither of us can afford our own places and the rent we pay now…

I’m really desperate. I feel very lonely and stifled.

 

Thanks a lot,

antsypants

 

I am sorry that at such a young age you have found yourself in such a controlled position. It sounds quite serious where this behavior is leading. Obviously you are now feeling no freedom even in your very own home. That;s the one place we should all feel free to be ourselves. Is it possible that you take a breather away from him and move in with your parents..tempoararily. In this way you can explain to him that he needs to works on himself and his insecurities which is making you feel like a prisoner. It really is leading to a relationship that is passive in the abuse because you have no freedom and are feeling you must be accountable to him. That's also a power play on his part putting you in that controlled on a leash relationship. I think from the sound of your post you've reached a point of just wanting out, so living with him and being his "mother" is not a healthy start. Don't cnfuse jealousy with romantic love it's a form of mental abuse...ask yourself honestly do I want to be with him romantically? Do I feel loved or oppressed? Do not feel because he can't afford to live on his own that you must be responsible for him. That is neither a reason to stay. Again, move back with your folks or friends just to get a clear space to think and sort things out.

[itwontdawnsooner]

bottom line: you need the feeling of being smothered to stop. you know that, the question is how do you want to do it?

 

"So- what do I do? I can’t move out, he can’t move out- neither of us can afford our own places and the rent we pay now…

I’m really desperate. I feel very lonely and stifled."

 

In Sync's post is very very true. If you feel lonely and stifiled, it sounds like either he makes a big change or somebody leaves. It's gotten past the point of compromise and its at the point of black and white, it seems. Like everybody says, don't put up with it, its getting abusive (just because he doesnt mean it or isnt a bad person doesnt mean its not abusive)! You can certainly try and tell him this very very directly (no soft-soaping). But if that doesnt work, or he doesnt understand... well. You tried, and have to find a roommate (newspapers, look on the internet, etc) so that you can breathe again!

[ReluctantRomeo]

It's gotten past the point of compromise

 

Nice attitude

[Outcast]

Also, when something is wrong, he will follow me if I try and get some space, be it by forcing the bathroom door open or attempting to get in front of my car if I am trying to drive away.

 

These are red flags. A person who doesn't have control issues can handle you leaving the scene of the argument. Someone who is compelled to control will act out this way. I say find another roommate. I think this person has deeper issues than a nice talk or a bit of counseling will help.