d21156 Posted December 6, 2005 Posted December 6, 2005 The facts: I have been living with a man for going on 2 years. He is considerably younger than me, divorced, and has 3 children which he has shared custody of. Before we moved in together we discussed the financial things and how lopsided it was. But I felt (and still feel) there were other things that could balance this. But.... when he works on Saturday, it is just assumed I will babysit. I am expected to do all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc. even though it is his children that make the mess. I have discovered over the last couple of years he is lazy! He goes to work and then comes home and is a total couch potato, unless I specifically ask him to do something. The other issue is money...I pay ALL the living expenses, buy 95% of the groceries. AND the things his kids need becuase he doesn't make enough money to do so. I didn't used to mind so much, but it has reached a point where it is just expected and taken for granted I will do so. It has reached a point that I cannot even do things for myself when I need to. I am tired. I do love him but I feel so taken for granted. D21156
alphamale Posted December 6, 2005 Posted December 6, 2005 I am tired. I do love him but I feel so taken for granted. then kick him out of your house and find another man.
Kenyth Posted December 6, 2005 Posted December 6, 2005 You agreed to be in this position financially, so you don't have much to complain about there. His laziness, you do. Tell him to get off his a$$ and do something useful. You are not his mother, you are not a replacement for the childrens mother, you are step-mother to his three children and you expect him to do his fair share in the caring of them.
Author d21156 Posted December 7, 2005 Author Posted December 7, 2005 No I did not agree to be here financially. I knew he made less money, so I agreed to pay more than half, but...he has paid nothing toward the household expenses. Its not just that tho...he expects me to do it all now. Or so it seems. I have paid for glasses, shoes, clothes, medicine, birthday parties- you name it! The only thing he pays is HIS cell phone, and a friend who loaned him money before we ever met.
UltimateZen Posted December 8, 2005 Posted December 8, 2005 Sounds like your guy has it made....a girlfriend, a mother (for his kids) and a mother for himself (you are obviously playing his mom's role). These types of guys are not truly men....they are leeches that suck the life out of everything they touch, taking advantage of a situation for as long as they can. You are not his mom, you are not his kids mom, nor I think you should be his girlfriend. Get out while you can and meet someone who is more to your level and not some leech. Don't think you can change him, his ways are set and it would take more effort than it is worth to change him. But women, for some reason, always think they can change a guy. If he loves you he would do all that it would take to help around. Think of it this way: His cell phone bill is more important that his kids, you or the house. If that is not enough reason to leave him then you should get used to a dreary, sad, life with a couch potato.
Becoming Posted December 8, 2005 Posted December 8, 2005 What they said! I'd sit him down and calmly tell him what you see from your point of view and what of his behavior is unacceptable. I'd work out a finanical agreement you can live with and stick to it. Why are you paying for his kids' stuff when he can? The only bill he pays is a cell phone, for God's sake! I'd set a time limit to see objective change and then leave. It'll probably take this to wake the guy up.
Israfil Posted December 8, 2005 Posted December 8, 2005 You understand you are his suga-momma, right? Why on earth would he want things to change? There are no consequences for his behaviour. You are allowing your need for him to cloud your judgement.
Devils Advocate Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 Hmm... I don't see what the problem is really. You pretty much described the basic life of most stepFATHERS right there. You married (technically, common-law is an interesting thing) someone with children and, as the more financially stable party, stepped into a financial obligation of supporting the children that came with your spouse. You having to do the full household duties as well as being the major breadwinner is excessive however. This does lead me to ask the question, if he were performing those household duties instead of you but still relied on you to pay for everything would you still be as upset as you are ? Or flip it he paid the bills but left the household to you would you still be this mad. Now if you don't like it you are free to walk away (the odds of a palimony suit successfully being brought against you are really low) and try again but everyone will look at you with a little less sympathy, leaving that poor single parent alone with no way to support the kids. Welcome to the stepfather's world... Sux don't it ?
Kenyth Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 No I did not agree to be here financially. I knew he made less money, so I agreed to pay more than half, but...he has paid nothing toward the household expenses. Its not just that tho...he expects me to do it all now. Or so it seems. I have paid for glasses, shoes, clothes, medicine, birthday parties- you name it! The only thing he pays is HIS cell phone, and a friend who loaned him money before we ever met. Ooooohhhhhh! Sorry, I didn't make the connection that he pay's for nothing. Only that he made less than you. My previous suggestion still stands. It just gives you more to talk about. Tell him to do his fair share or hit the road and see who else will take him in for free.
Author d21156 Posted December 9, 2005 Author Posted December 9, 2005 I think I did not explain things right. He does provide for his children when he can, but if he assumes I "have" to. And if he would pull more weight around the house and with the care of the kids I would not feel so bad. Its just when everything is put on my shoulders that it really gets to me. D
Author d21156 Posted December 9, 2005 Author Posted December 9, 2005 Sounds like your guy has it made....a girlfriend, a mother (for his kids) and a mother for himself (you are obviously playing his mom's role). These types of guys are not truly men....they are leeches that suck the life out of everything they touch, taking advantage of a situation for as long as they can. You are not his mom, you are not his kids mom, nor I think you should be his girlfriend. Get out while you can and meet someone who is more to your level and not some leech. Don't think you can change him, his ways are set and it would take more effort than it is worth to change him. But women, for some reason, always think they can change a guy. If he loves you he would do all that it would take to help around. Think of it this way: His cell phone bill is more important that his kids, you or the house. If that is not enough reason to leave him then you should get used to a dreary, sad, life with a couch potato. Zen, This is not something I haven't thought of before. I do feel like his mother a lot of the time. I don't mean to make him sound like a leech. He simply doesn't have the income to do with, but he could certainly make up the difference by doing more in the house. D
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