Who's right here, i feel guilty, but should i?

[caring guy]

Dear all

I hope someone can give me some unbiased advice here, as i'm getting views from my family that side with me & obviously my fiance & (her friends), that i can't prove say this, have theirs!

 

Me & my ex (seems) fiance were together 18 months & i moved in 4 months ago. She knew i had a problem with anxiety/depression & took medication. I've always been a little insecure, & had issues with drink, which i sorted & after we were fine!

Around a month ago, outa the blue, my illness reared it's head big time & i was a wreck, panic attacks, feeling downbeat etc & realy anxious, especially in the mornings. I don't know why it re-appeared, maybe the dark winter weather, maybe the stopping of drink, & maybe a new commited life with her & her kids, having responsibilities & commitments, the real world!!

But for someone with anx/dep & that this situation is new to me, may be a little too much & overspill!

She used to criticise me all the time, if i'd not washed this & that properly, didn't put the garbage out on time etc, digs at my hair, what i wore etc!, there was always something & i felt i could do no wright!, not that i expected praise for normal everyday things!

 

I was very depressed at hers & anxious & it co-incided with her birthday & to her i let her down & she had a right go at me & it broke me down & i fled! she said if i went it would be over, like her birthday is most important & my illness is not someone who's supposed to love me, is important! i just couldn't handle it & couldn't cope, maybe i should have faced it, but only i know how real bad i felt & she was making me worse by not trying to help!.

She's busy, has kids, is at Uni & don't need to be a nurse or to mother someone & i don't want her to! She has had depression & couldn't run away, as she had a kid, but all situations are different.

She just said i spoiled her day & should've held it together, i got no understanding from the person that i was to spend all my life with. She called me pathetic & immature. It was all about her birthday.

I'd booked a trip to London the following weekend to surprise her & it could be for us as a couple & romantic. We met in the week & talked of my problem & said she wanted the 'me' she loved back & not the anxious 'me' (like i can help it!).

She knew of this trip by the time we met & wanted me to go back to hers to get well & she said she loved me .

 

When it came to the eve of the trip, i felt i couldn't go & she was angry & wanted her present. If we went, we would go as friends & if not she wanted to go with her female friend! What about that!?

Yes, i booked it for her birthday, but if roles were reversed i'd have said that i only want to go with my partner, it wouldn't have been the same!, i'd booked a romantic suite with a nice cosy meal etc in a nice hotel! She said "oh, you bought this present for yourself then!", no, i bought it for us. If she was ill, i wouldn't have said, "is it ok for me to go with a friend?"

 

Since then she has ended it because she didn't get her present & i'm thinking she never was bothered about me, helping me get well & we could go in future, it was all her wanting her present & when i said i was ill & she wanted to go with someone else, i felt as though i wasn't important & she'd go with anyone.

Now, all seems over & 2 weeks down the line, our calls have led to arguments & she constantly still refers back to her birthday! By the way she's not 14, she's 30 years old! Shouldn't she have thought a little about my illness, or should i have not been ill on her birthday! She now don't want to be with someone with anxiety/depression & that day of letting her down, when i didn't want to, was the last straw! We have argued in past about issues, which i've resolved & it's been better, but she constantly bit at me, when she knew i had a nervous problem, insted of diplomatically "having a go at all i did". I was banging my head againsed a brick wall.

 

Sorry it's been a long write, but i just need impartial views!

Thanks

CG

[caring guy]

I know it's long, but please anyone!

I need an impartial viewpoint!

[westernxer]

You're better off without that whiny bitch.

 

How's that for impartial?

[slubberdegullion]

You're better off without that whiny bitch.

 

How's that for impartial?

^ what he said.

[caring guy]

Thanks for reading.

Is there nothing she has a point on? I mean when i talk to her she's so much better at me at making herself seem right!

I understand she has a very busy life & maybe feel she doesn't need a guy to look after.

 

I was very ill on her birthday & she thinks i could've held it together for that. I managed to turn up at night to a dinner someone was cooking for her, i felt real bad, but i was doing it for her. She then tells me that she couldn't have care less if i went, it was the people who did the meal wanted me there, as they like me!

 

Maybe love makes you blind, we had some great times & i have a triumph over adversity attitude, she just hasn't time at the mo for an ill boyfriend, but i know she loved it & us when all was going ok.

We always told each other that we say things we never meant when we're stressed & in arguments, i just hope we can sort it, is i think it was the anger talking, & giving the NC will help.I hope so.

Thanks

CG

[Nikita20]

Here are my thoughts on your issue. What are you doing to take care of your depression? Are you taking meds? Are you seeing a therapist/counselor? In otherwords, are you taking the right steps to handle this? You mentioned that you stopped drinking and your depression came back even more intense than ever. To me, using alcohol to curb your depression isn't the right way to go about this. You need professional help. And, as a result, it caused the end of your relationship. You can't expect her to help you with your depression. This is your problem and not hers. She can't help you because she isn't qualified, nor is she your therapist. You need to help yourself. She probably became frustrated with dealing with you because you weren't handling this properly. She couldn't take it any more and left.

 

You need to get healthy and once you do you will be able to have a proper relationship with someone.

[AriaIncognito]

I'm with what Nikita said. You have to be helping yourself get better, so that you can be in a healthy relationship. you can't expect her, or anyone, to help you deal with your problems. You alone are in charge of your life. If you want to be with someone, I'd seriously consider looking into therapy and possibly medication. There's no shame in either one, it's just a matter of getting yourself started on the path to healing.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Jennifer

[caring guy]

Nikita & Ariawoman

Yes i'm taking medication & seeing a therapist, i stopped drinking of which i didn't do to try help myself, i just did socially, but long term it wasn't helping me!

I never asked her to hep me, just understand & not make me worse, as she did with constant jibes about me, like i had to disown my family to be with her as they didn't get on, like i never looked the ways she wanted, like the house choirs i did never were up to her expectations, i just couldn't do a thing right.

But when it came to going on a Uni trip where she needed support from me, i was there & she wanted her b/day present when i was ill & couldn't go & wanted to go with someone else, is that right!!??.

 

We were engaged & one day would be married!, this was a good trial run for the "in sickness & in health" vow that one gives, so where was it from her & why does a bit of paper change that. We vowed to comit by our gold rings we bought each other, so why do you say that she shouldn't be there for me.

I never expect her to give up her life for me & devote herself to help me with my illness, just to not dump me at a time when things get a little tough.

[westernxer]

I never expect her to give up her life for me & devote herself to help me with my illness, just to not dump me at a time when things get a little tough.

 

Now you know her true colors.

 

Sad but true.

[reader]

No one can "make" you feel anything. Maybe she doesn't have the patience it takes to live with what you have to deal with.

 

You do your thing by taking care of yourself and that means choosing a partner that has the capacity to work with you. I'm not saying either one of you is right or wrong. You take responsibility for your health and surround yourself with people where the chemistry works.

 

Take care of yourself.

 

And yes, she does seem a bit whiney.

[caring guy]

She did tell me that she couldn't be with an ill boyfriend, she didn't have time & was too busy! She is busy, but whatabout the 18 months we spent together!

There was always a problem & she was perfect it seemed from her point of view.

I feel i should tell people i have this problem before i date them!

I am healthy & caring, i run everyday & look good, i just have an illness like 99% of us will one day have, but we don't all end relationships just because a partner gets ill.

[chocolate_boy]

Sorry to hear that dude, she sounds extremely selfish and you shouldn't waste another minute on her.

 

Shame you had to find out what she's really like, but better you did than to live with more dissapointment or realise this a few more years down the line.

[caring guy]

She said that i was selfish for up & leaving on her birthday, even though i was out of my mind with anxiety & panic.

Anxiety does make you selfish, it makes you care for your own needs as your mind makes you do what you need to do, fight or flight & some are strtonger than others.

Was she right in wanting the tickets to go on the trip with someone else, that i bought them for her, so she could go with whoever she wanted.

If i were her i'd have wanted to go with my partner or nobody!

 

I agreed with her that i wasn't the best at domestic stuff, but the way she said it & reacted made me so anxious, i was panicking sometimes at being there! She just made herself sound right by the way i handled it & i did let her down, but it was my illness!, she took it like i did it on purpose.

[AmberAriesMom]

Dear all

I hope someone can give me some unbiased advice here, as i'm getting views from my family that side with me & obviously my fiance & (her friends), that i can't prove say this, have theirs!

 

Me & my ex (seems) fiance were together 18 months & i moved in 4 months ago. She knew i had a problem with anxiety/depression & took medication. I've always been a little insecure, & had issues with drink, which i sorted & after we were fine!

Around a month ago, outa the blue, my illness reared it's head big time & i was a wreck, panic attacks, feeling downbeat etc & realy anxious, especially in the mornings. I don't know why it re-appeared, maybe the dark winter weather, maybe the stopping of drink, & maybe a new commited life with her & her kids, having responsibilities & commitments, the real world!!

But for someone with anx/dep & that this situation is new to me, may be a little too much & overspill!

She used to criticise me all the time, if i'd not washed this & that properly, didn't put the garbage out on time etc, digs at my hair, what i wore etc!, there was always something & i felt i could do no wright!, not that i expected praise for normal everyday things!

 

I was very depressed at hers & anxious & it co-incided with her birthday & to her i let her down & she had a right go at me & it broke me down & i fled! she said if i went it would be over, like her birthday is most important & my illness is not someone who's supposed to love me, is important! i just couldn't handle it & couldn't cope, maybe i should have faced it, but only i know how real bad i felt & she was making me worse by not trying to help!.

She's busy, has kids, is at Uni & don't need to be a nurse or to mother someone & i don't want her to! She has had depression & couldn't run away, as she had a kid, but all situations are different.

She just said i spoiled her day & should've held it together, i got no understanding from the person that i was to spend all my life with. She called me pathetic & immature. It was all about her birthday.

I'd booked a trip to London the following weekend to surprise her & it could be for us as a couple & romantic. We met in the week & talked of my problem & said she wanted the 'me' she loved back & not the anxious 'me' (like i can help it!).

She knew of this trip by the time we met & wanted me to go back to hers to get well & she said she loved me .

 

When it came to the eve of the trip, i felt i couldn't go & she was angry & wanted her present. If we went, we would go as friends & if not she wanted to go with her female friend! What about that!?

Yes, i booked it for her birthday, but if roles were reversed i'd have said that i only want to go with my partner, it wouldn't have been the same!, i'd booked a romantic suite with a nice cosy meal etc in a nice hotel! She said "oh, you bought this present for yourself then!", no, i bought it for us. If she was ill, i wouldn't have said, "is it ok for me to go with a friend?"

 

Since then she has ended it because she didn't get her present & i'm thinking she never was bothered about me, helping me get well & we could go in future, it was all her wanting her present & when i said i was ill & she wanted to go with someone else, i felt as though i wasn't important & she'd go with anyone.

Now, all seems over & 2 weeks down the line, our calls have led to arguments & she constantly still refers back to her birthday! By the way she's not 14, she's 30 years old! Shouldn't she have thought a little about my illness, or should i have not been ill on her birthday! She now don't want to be with someone with anxiety/depression & that day of letting her down, when i didn't want to, was the last straw! We have argued in past about issues, which i've resolved & it's been better, but she constantly bit at me, when she knew i had a nervous problem, insted of diplomatically "having a go at all i did". I was banging my head againsed a brick wall.

 

Sorry it's been a long write, but i just need impartial views!

Thanks

CG

 

CG, you say you moved in with her 4 months ago. Moving in with someone where they see life with each other 24/7 sometimes breaks the relationship up. In this case, it seems she isn't the type person who can handle your problems. Don't blame her for that. If you want to be happy then find someone who can sympathize with your issues willingly. Simple.

[caring guy]

I do think moving in was the turning point!

She was intent on the relationship moving forward & wanting a stable commited relationship, as was i!

When we met she knew i had anxiety, over time, i get close to people, i thought she would too & the love would pull us through.

I expect she saw a me that was anxious & emotional & needy of at least support & not hard attitude!

I see from what you are saying that i should state my illness before, but obviously this would scare someone off!

I thought i was anxiety free & all was going well, my meds & therapy had worked, but alas no!

Hence in the future, i'm open to more heartbreak & concern of repetition!

[Walk]

I think you're better off not being in that situation. However, I feel that if you really bought that trip FOR her, then if you were not able to go, she should have been able to go with her friends. You could've comprimised, taken the money that was spent on that trip (assuming you got your money back) and bought her a present that she wanted.

 

I don't think you were completely in the wrong, as she's making it out to be. Not as far as the birthday present, trip, went. You weren't in a good place mentally to be able to think clearly and resolve the problem to the best of both of you. She should've understood this. Should've been more understanding that a single birthday was not the end of the world. And if she did truly care for you, then she would've put her birthday, her happiness, aside for the moment until you were better.

 

However, get away from that woman. She's not good for you. She knew you were this way, you were upfront and honest with her. She had no compassion or empathy for you. She sounds cold hearted and selfish.

 

Yes, tell potential women of your illness. (Not first date though) Give them the decision. If they decide it's too much for them, then it's easier (for you) to let go of someone at the onset of a relationship, then 18 months later when they decide they can't handle it. I've had bf's be upfront about illnesses they've had, and I'm grateful to them for doing so. It allowed me to decide if it was something I could deal with, or want to deal with, in my life. In the end it made us stronger.

[caring guy]

Thanks Walk

I bought the trip as a suprise, for her to go, but being her fiance i would've thought she would have decided to go with me!

You know the situation, instead of buying perfume or jewellery, i bought a weekend away, i wasn't bothered where it was, but i knew London would impress her & it was a nice hotel & meal etc. She's making out that i didn't realy buy it for her, i bought it for myself, twisting my words all the time! The trip was 1 week after her actual birthday as that was the weekend she could go, but by then i was staying with my family as i felt so anxious & depressed i fled what i thought was triggering it off, the pressures of being there!

The fact that she keeps emphasizing that i wasn't there on her birthday, a day that she needed me, is something i regret, but an illness isn't something you can decide when it comes on!

I am told by relatives that we just weren't compatable, but i just think of the things that we were compatable in, that we did & kept us together, engaged & she'd chosen me to be step father to her kids & it upsets me so much:lmao: