jenny_1712 Posted December 6, 2005 Posted December 6, 2005 Ok here goes... I am seeing a guy who is 34 years old...he was married for 15 years and has two kids with his ex wife and has been seperated over a year getting ready to go thru the divorce next week. I usually never date guys with kids...I love kids and want kids someday but because of all the drama involved with exes and what not I just wanted to steer clear of that kind of thing. We met thru work and when we met something just felt so right. I kept telling myself all the reasons to not like him but I couldn't help it. My problem is that I have always been with guys who are emotional, they tell me they love me all the time. They tell me everything and do anything I ask or want them to do. He is different, he never shares his emotions and since he had a lot of family problems in his past he shuts himself off from people pretty easy. We have talked and talked about this problem over and over and it never really seemed to do any good until two weeks ago. I had gave up on having anything between us because I know I could not be with someone who I would have to guess whether or not he really truly cared about me. Alot of this comes from my own insecurities because there is things he does for me that show me he cares its just that he pulls himself away and I feel like he is so distant at times. We had broke up about three weeks ago because he told me that he was going to do what he wanted when he wanted regardless of what I or anyone else thought about it. I told him I cannot be with someone who is going to knowingly do something that would upset me and disrespect me. Then a week later he calls me back wanting to be with me again. We get back together and get into an argument about him showing emotion and he tells me that he wants to do what is fair and end things because he doesn't think that he could ever show me he cared like what I want. I could tell he was really upset and when I drove away he just sat there, I went into the store and he was still sitting there so I go back and talk to him. He tells me everything about how he was treated before and that he has never shown emotion before. He doesn't want to lose me but he is so scared of being hurt that he thinks its easier to be alone. He tells me he has nothing to offer me and when I told him all I wanted was him its like something changed in him. Ever since that day he has told me constantly he misses me, and respected what I had to say and hasn't done anything to disrespect me. He makes a lot more effort to make sure I know how he feels. I am letting myself fall hard for him but now I am the one is who is scared. I am scared this is all just a put on that he will go right back to how things were before. My question is, is all this really him or is he just putting on for now and will change back in the future?
Outcast Posted December 6, 2005 Posted December 6, 2005 Why is it that only one person must ever fix themselves in a relationship? How often are you going to require being told all these things? Must he repeat them constantly every day so long as you are together? What about you changing a bit - acquiring a little more confidence and trust in him so that he doesn't feel that you're a great big empty vase that he can never fill?
Walk Posted December 6, 2005 Posted December 6, 2005 Geez Outcast... That came off harsh. Having a bad day? She's right though. I think you need to COMPRIMISE, instead of demanding he change. For instance, if his way of showing he cares is by calling you every evening, but he doesn't say he misses you or loves you, then accept that the call means those things. Interpret his actions, and accept them for what they mean. That he does care and want to be with you. Having said that... No one really changes that much in life without some extreme emotion disturbance to kick start it. He may have been more vocal in the past, but scared of falling for someone since his separation/divorce. I know I was really emotionally distant after my divorce. If he wasn't more vocal about his feelings in the past, then you may see some change because he doesn't want to lose you, but unless you reinforce those habits with something he's going to appreciate (sex/etc) then he'll probably lapse back into who he normally is. The unspoken, distant seeming guy. It's kind of bad of me to say, but if you want the emotional words then reward him for them immediately after he says them. Tell him how much you want him when he says those things, or that it drives you crazy with desire. Solidify that saying those things are going to end positively for him, all the time. The guys probably been knocked around enough in the past couple years to warrant some positive effort on your part. Don't you think?
Outcast Posted December 6, 2005 Posted December 6, 2005 That came off harsh. Having a bad day? It's the cumulative effect of reading too many posts where women insist men conform/adapt/change to meet the women's standards. No signs of wanting to compromise or seeing the other's point of view, often. And of course to that the whine always returns 'but what about MY point of view'.
JoL Posted December 6, 2005 Posted December 6, 2005 I have to agree with Outcast to a degree here.... ....he is who he is. Men dont change...and women shouldnt expect them to. I know that might seem harsh, but you are in a relationship with him, with the good and bad. If what he isnt giving you is SO important to you- well- this relationship may just not work out. Asking him to a change a part of his personality is like pulling teeth...i think when we enter relationships we should realise that this person is who they are and us coming into their life isnt going to change deep-rooted personality traits in them. I know there are times where i have wanted ex-boyfriends to change part of their personality...but i quickly learnt that this was just not possible. Therefore i have learnt to let go of the desire to change someone and i have decided to find someone who already fulfils what i need in life without me needing to change them. I can understand that him not giving you emotional side of him would be hurtful. But from what i know from friends in similar situations- changing him is going to be impossible.
slubberdegullion Posted December 6, 2005 Posted December 6, 2005 I can understand that him not giving you emotional side of him would be hurtful. But from what i know from friends in similar situations- changing him is going to be impossible. It's not only impossible, it's a bad idea. Like it or not, emotional men are often labelled as weak, spineless and unable to contain themselves. If this dude was like this, then JoL would probably lose all attraction to him, or may have never been attracted to him in the first place. jenny_1712, you cannot change anyone but yourself; so, you can either deal with the situation as it is, or let him go.
JoL Posted December 6, 2005 Posted December 6, 2005 Hmm well my last 2 serious relationships my boyfriends were emotionally open and discussed their feelings with me- which i found attractive about them. Overly emotional and needy people (women and men) are not attractive. Not at all. But someone who discusses their emotions in a healthy way and makes you feel loved is definately a big A+ in my books. My point is- the guys ive been with were already willing to do this, i didnt need to change them to MAKE them give me what i wanted. My point to Jenny is that she needs to accept him as he is, or find someone who can give her what she wants.
slubberdegullion Posted December 6, 2005 Posted December 6, 2005 Hmm well my last 2 serious relationships my boyfriends were emotionally open and discussed their feelings with me- which i found attractive about them. And you're no longer with them.
Outcast Posted December 6, 2005 Posted December 6, 2005 And you're no longer with them. Oh c'mon, Slub. You know darn well that correlation does not imply causation.
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