Letting go

[steffany]

So I dated a guy for three years. I think this guy was fab! I loved everything about him.

 

I love everything about him.

 

I broke it off because I don't think he is ever going to do anything different with his life. He is a little older and goes out a lot. And while I do also I want to start slowing down and what not...stuff that happens when you get older.

 

Well he doesn't want to ever slow down.

 

Anyways I had my reasons for leaving him.

 

I am having a hard time letting go.

 

I tried to and it went well for a few weeks then we started calling eachother a lot and talking and seeing eachother out. The magnetic pull between us is crazy!

 

But I know he is not right for what I want later in life.

 

So anyhow we spent a few nights together and what not. I went by his place because my credit card fell out in his car. He had a woman ther and though he claims it isn't serious she is a booty call.

 

It hurt to see. I decided I had to do it for real.

 

I cut off all ties to him. I am making a clean break this time.

 

Problem is it is so hard to have these thoughts of him with another woman...and it's hard not to call him when I hear a good joke or tell him when I get really excited about something.

 

He was my best bud for the last three years and it has taken all my will power not to have anything to do with him and it's only been a week!

 

Any sugestions?

 

How can I make this less painful? I mean I totally was in love with this dude. Wish I wanted the same things in life as this guy or he wanted what I want outta life but we are just on two different playing fields.

 

Now he is all weirded out because he didn't want me to see her or know anything like that...He hates that I am hurt and can only imagine what it would have been like if it was him who saw me with a guy naked.

 

This may hurt worse than when I broke up with him...Cutting him off completely is so hard.

[Nikita20]

You need to do 100% NC. If you keep contacting this guy, you are stringing him along. You mentioned that you don't see a future with him, you aren't compatible, etc., so why do you want to keep him around? You should let him go completely--it would be the decent thing to do. It will hurt and it will be painful. Breaking up with someone isn't supposed to be pleasant because, when it isn't mutual, someone always gets hurt. However, you need to be honest with yourself and him and do NC.

[caring guy]

Nikita is right, so why don't i take her advice!

It's so hard doing NC especially after you've shared so much & they've been a big part of your life.

Maybe if there's some kind of happy medium, afterall nobody is totally compatable! Maybe time will change between you guys & if your not together you'l never know!

Be ok

Rup

[AriaIncognito]

I dated a guy for 4 years. We lived together for about 2.5 years of that. He was my best friend. Heck, at the time, he was probably my only friend (age 23 through 27 for me). When we broke up, I was devastated. Crushed. I thought my life would end. But guess what? It didn't. Here I am, 4 years later, still alive. He and I are even "friends" now. I say it that way because we don't get together in person really, just talk online (despite his asking me to dinner every once in a while which I usually turn down). He married the girl he started dating right after we met. He was with her 5 months and engaged her. It crushed me. I mean I spent years with him and got no ring, she spent a few lousy months and got it all. I went to their wedding (at his begging -- i really didn't want to as I had no man to go with) and they have now been married like 2.5 years and have a baby. I never thought I'd be to the point where I could talk to him and be OK. Sure, I'm still jealous of what he's got, cuz it's what I want. I want the nice spouse, the house, etc. But I don't want it with him.

 

In time, you'll be able to think clearly and realize that you weren't meant for eachother and that you did the right thing, and maybe you'll even be able to be friends with him, when and if the both of you want it and both of you could handle it.

 

I'm 1 week out of my last relationship, so I'm no stranger to the pain. I left him because he and I were too different and wanted different things, much like you are saying in your post. Go with your gut instinct on knowing you just aren't right for eachother. unfortunately, no amount of love will make you right for eachother.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Jennifer

[steffany]

Nikita: I didn't think I was stringing him along. I didn't see it that way. I felt he was stringing me along...ha! It's hard when two people are in love with one another but realize they want two different things outta life. I hear what you are saying. I am doing the 100% NC. That is why I wrote here...it was hard. I was looking for suggestions or strength from people who have been or are going through the same sort of thing. But it was a mutual break up. I may have been the one who said it but he agreed that I deserve everything I have wanted out of life and he was hurt it wasn't what he wanted...so was I.

 

Caringguy: There cannot be a happy medium yet. We broke up it was hard when we tried to be friends it kept ending up as friends with benefits. And I would hurt him when I went out with other men and he would hurt me when he went out with other women. I think the 100% NC is the only solution.

 

Ariawoman: I feel as though your comment was exactly what I feel. I just wish I knew of ways to make it easier. Friends are great. so are hobbies...but friends have their own families and lives and can't always be here to help me when I feel the most lonely. And the hobbies I have I have always done and I tend to think a whole lot when I am doing them...so that doesn't help. I am an artist though and have noticed my art work gets tons more compliments now that my heart is in pain. Funny thing about art! Thanks for the words though

[caring guy]

NC is needed, i have contacted my S/O & **** happened, it was awfull, all hell broke loose & i wish i hadn't, i just felt the impulse to do it & to be cool & no raised voices, but it was too soon & i regret it.

I now think thre's nothing like lots of space & time, but i worry about others seeing her, mayb she'l find someone else & that image makes me so upset & anxious, being intimate etc in bed we shared etc!!!

But if she did & i knew for definate, that would be worse!

Best is if we just wait until they contact us

Fingers crossed Steffany, for us all!

[steffany]

I hate how things happen. I am at lunch having a nice time with my co-worker. When the dreaded ring rings. Dang it it's his ring.

 

I let him leave a message and then call him back on my way to work. He wants to know if instead of me paying him back the 280 he lent me for rent a while back if he could use my credit card for aome online actors deal. I want him to get a better job ...maybe it will change his path...which is what I have been trying to convince him of. Not thinking of yeah then I can get back with him...just that I do care about him would rather his life be better even if I am not in it.

 

So I am in my car and trying to drive get my card and am flustered I am on the phone with him. The next phrase out of my mouth drove a huge steak in the middle of us. I, not thinking, say "well I don't think I can afford that right now. Can't you just ask that girl to let you use her card and then I will just get the money to you next month?"

 

Open mouth insert foot. He is is like what girl? I say the girl you are f-ing.

 

Nice right?

 

So then he gets upset...doesn't talk for a minute and says something on a very low quite voice about that was low and blah blah blah why'd I go there?

 

Ok so I shouldn't had said it. I wasn't thinking it would hurt his feelings. I wasn't even thinking of him when I said it I was thinking of my account going nsf but also thinking this would be a great move on his part and is something he should do.

 

So I get to work to call him and find out what part I need to take to get this credit card thing done. He sounds upset and says he isn't home anymore blah blah blah call me later.

 

Now I am back to him on my mind. Driving me crazy. So I call him to tell him that while we are at this credit card thing lets find a good time for him to get his carpet shampooer from my house as well so I can move on with my life.

 

Of coarse he doesn't answer so I leave the message saying all that.

 

I just want this to be over. Who knew this one contact by him would put me back at day one?

[AriaIncognito]

"Who knew this one contact by him would put me back at day one?"

 

Um honestly, probably everybody here that has broken up with someone and instituted NC (and subsequently broken NC). We have seen post after post about how if you break NC, it will bring you back to the beginning, and it's true. That's why we need to stick to our guns.

 

Look at it this way. We are all crack addicts. We all quit, cold turkey. We think all the time about how great it would be to just do it 1 more time. We do it, one more time, and now, we are back to dealing with what it feels like to be off it cold turkey. That's essentially what you do to yourself when you break NC. You might as well erase all the hard work you've done, all for a few minutes of contact, which more than likely didn't help any to begin with and didn't lead to the happy ending you so desperately craved.

 

Stay strong. Do NOT give him any money. That would be foolish. He's gotta learn to take care of himself, and he's no longer your problem and he's certainly not your responsibility.

 

Good luck,

Jennifer

[steffany]

I owe him the money. I owe him 280 he is agreeing if I do this it will only be the 175 it costs. I think it wrong to borrow money from anyone and give them your word to pay back and not do it. That means your word doesn't mean anything.

 

I owe him the money. I am not giving him the money. It isn't mine to keep.

 

And I didn't expect a happy ending..nor did I want it. I was not cheated on or treated badly. I did not simply fall out of love with him nor did he fall out of love with me.

 

Cold turkey is hardly what I have done. I broke up with him in April. Did NC for 5 months until Sept. My b-day was in October we thought we could be friends only so he could hang out with me on my b-day. Then we started calling eachother everyday. Sharing our thoughts and jokes. We sheltered eachother from the truth of the other. When we were at the same club we made sure we had no one of the opposite sex too close, mostly hung with eachother. Sex was an option again. Back into what was comfortable.

 

Then there was a slip I saw a half naked women at his house. And knowing he was with another girl was hard. So I had to go NC again.

 

He just called again. Said to keep the shampooer also he knows my puppy is being potty trained. And knows I am really trying to move on and it would be easier for both of us if we didn't have to see eachother so he would just get a new one if he needs one.

 

Said he is sorry he got upset that it was because mainly the truth hurts. That he actaully had no right to get upset...just upsets him to hear words like that from me because it reminds him how hurt my face looked when I saw her.

 

So I said let's get this over with where do you want me to pay for your web deal?

 

Did that and now there is no reason either of us needs to contact the other.

 

So now it's back to NC.

 

And believe it or not already it feels easier knowing there is no bad feelings and everything is taken care of.

[AriaIncognito]

I didn't realize that it was you that owed him. Not sure why, but I misunderstood that. Of course paying off any and all debts to exes is expected.

 

Good luck with the NC this time. I hope you stick to it...

 

Jennifer

[CaliGuy]

"Who knew this one contact by him would put me back at day one?"

 

Um honestly, probably everybody here that has broken up with someone and instituted NC (and subsequently broken NC). We have seen post after post about how if you break NC, it will bring you back to the beginning, and it's true. That's why we need to stick to our guns.

 

I agree, but to a point. If your goal is to eventually to get back together with your Ex, provided they either of you have made significant changes or the circumstances have changed, then eventually you'll need to break NC. Just be wary, when you do, of moving too fast or going back to the same spot you left.

 

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results each time. You have to break the bad cycle with an ex and implement a new, improved relationship or it will never work.

 

Look at it this way. We are all crack addicts. We all quit, cold turkey. We think all the time about how great it would be to just do it 1 more time. We do it, one more time, and now, we are back to dealing with what it feels like to be off it cold turkey. That's essentially what you do to yourself when you break NC. You might as well erase all the hard work you've done, all for a few minutes of contact, which more than likely didn't help any to begin with and didn't lead to the happy ending you so desperately craved.

 

 

In her case she knows he is not right for her in the long run so I agree NC is the best way to go.

[steffany]

For your advice. I always listen to what ya'll have to say. I know it's hard to go through things and it's easier with people who can empathise with you.

 

I did the NC once...obviously for us we need longer than 5 months...but I did do it and was even dating other people. I never totally forgot about him. I kept him in my heart..I care.

 

Other than wanting the best for him I had moved on. it was great to not walk into a bar and look and see if his friends were there...it was like he was outta my mind.

 

Just sucks that it came to doing it all over again. And maybe it just seems so hard because I have already done it once. I know all that lays ahead of me. I know about all the lonley nights and all the questions I am to ponder for days..maybe weeks. All the what-if's...all the whys.

 

Part of me dreads this soooo much...I just went through it not too long ago. I guess I am like the romans...and loves the torture. But i don't love it and almost rather do the easiest thing and keep him in my life until I find a new guy. But that is not fair to me or him or the new guy. And I can tell you that doesn't work so well. I have friends that try it and fail often.

 

I am glad when I feel the bad feelings and thoughts of NC I can always turn here and get the kick in the butt I need to stick with it.

 

Thanks guys

[RecordProducer]

How can I make this less painful?

The only one way to make it less painful is in your head. You need to prepare yourself emotionally for the fact that you will never be together again (according to your decision). He accepted the break-up and probably admitted that he won't change so you have no future with him.

 

You feel awkward becaue it seems like the option to be with him is still open. But try to stay strong and not call him and - as much as possible - not think of him.

 

Try a new hobby, keep your mind busy, talk to your friends...

You are still in love so the guy sems great in your eyes, but if he were so great, you wouldn't have broken up with him.

 

The things that helped me get over my ex-husband when he left me were:

1. The thought that he didn't love me anymore;

2. The thought that he was causing me pain when we were together and that I wasn't happy with him;

3. Time;

4. When I met a new guy who was much better than him.

 

Hope this helps. Keep your chin up and don't worry - you WILL get over.

[jc]

 

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results each time.

 

 

If this is true, then I am definitely insane:)

 

Sorry to intrude on your thread Steffany, but I am just curious about some of the advice posted on this thread about NC. The premise that we are all crack addicts...I love this analogy, because this is so true for me. For the past year I have been going back and forth with C. Everytime I go NC, I end up breaking it, or he does. It is honestly as if we can't be together and we can't be apart.

 

Why is it that NC seems to be so much easier for some people than others? Is it just a flaw in one's character (ie. my character) that makes them break and call their ex again after 2weeks NC, 3 weeks NC, 1week NC, etc. Is it the need for instant gratification (or some crack)?

[steffany]

We all do have different personality types and yes some of these personality traits cause us to do certain things.

 

Addiction for one is a personality trait. I have yet to find myself addicted to anything. I smoked for 4 years - quit cold turkey - 5 years later I still don't smoke. I drank in college...noticed one day I shouldn't drink so much and stopped, one or two glasses of wine is enough for me now.

 

I don't know why some people can stop things and others can't. But it isn't any easier for them. While they may not go threw the pain as long as others they still felt the same pain and desires.

 

For me when I feel sad or want to call him I think of someone new I now have the chance to meet. I think of why we are not together. I remind myself I don't need him. I pick up the phone and call a friend. I pick up mypaint brush and paint and cry and laugh through my paint brush. I paint much better now by the way

 

I also find myself asking god for help. My mom always taught me when I feel lost or over whelmed or feel trapped to talk to him and ask him to take my burdens.

 

My Dad taught me to get all the bad thoughts, sad thoughts, any thoughts, in my head think about them as much as I can for 10 minutes. Then take a deep breath and let them go. He tells me on exhale to visualize all those feelings being released with my breath away from me...out into the universe somewhere.

 

Strange ways to go about it...maybe. But I find comfort in them. They work for me.

[RecordProducer]

Why is it that NC seems to be so much easier for some people than others?

Because you know that every time you call your ex, he will take you back or at least see you and/or sleep with you. He knows it too. So it's hard to do NC when you both can't stay away from each other.

 

In that case, things are not resolved completely and the love is not over. If however, one uses the other one just for sex while the other party is in love then NC would be the best and less painful solution.

 

If you know that your ex doesn't love you, NC cuts the humiliation and pain of seeing/hearing from them. So when you are sure that it's over, don't break NC!

[AriaIncognito]

The reason I was able to so easily come up with that crack terminology is because I definitely have an addictive personality. I get addicted to the feelings I have when I'm loved by someone. I get addicted to how it feels to be part of a couple. I have a hard time stopping things I'm addicted to, and just like an addict, am always trying to figure out how to make it so i can feel that way again. It sucks, truly. Be very thankful, steffany, that you dont have this personality trait lol. I wish I didn't. It carries over into a lot of things.

 

Jennifer

[steffany]

you think of the feelings you had about the ex...I day dream about better feelings with a future love.

 

While this may make it hard for men to live up to what I have dreamt about...it definatly stops the pain.

 

Some say I am a hopeless romantic. My ex says I am expecting a fairytale.

 

I say I will know him when I meet him...everyone on the way is just relationship practice.

 

I have only had long term relationships and I have gotten over all of them by thinking to the future and trying my damndest not to dwell on the past.

 

I will also let you in on a secret - somewhere inside I still love all of them and they all hold a special place in my heart...but they weren't right for me.

 

And over time I have been able to hang out with all of them. Sooner or later my ex will be on my list of friends also. But until then I will just keep on being me.

 

I wish I knew how to help you not think of your ex as much...but my methods don't seem to be popular on here if you read any of my resent posts they are opposite of what others do and suggest.

 

Different strokes for different folks I guess

[jc]

Well here is the email he just sent me:

 

"You want answers. So I'll give you what I can.

 

Of course I'm scared. I do love you. But there are days when I say to myself I can't forgive her <<I slept with someone else while we were APART>> But there are also days when I think I can. This is not a good place to be. Here's what I know. I do want you in my life.

 

You asked if I'm ready. Ready for what exactly, I assume you mean commitment. And honestly, I just don't know. Like I said, I love you and I want you in my life. You're figuring out exactly where you're going and what you'll be doing in life, and I'm just lost trying to figure life out. Where this leaves us I don't know."

 

From reading this email, I think that both of us are so conflicted about the entire relationship, we don't know what to do. The difference is that I am ready to commit and to be there for him through counselling, etc. and he doesn't even know if he wants to commit. I feel like I can't let go because there is still love and hope here.

 

Maybe I'm just blind. Maybe he's just too scared to let go completely. I don't know anymore. What do you guys think?

[CaliGuy]

What do you want? If you want to get back together, take it slow. Be friends, hang out. He needs to get over what happened because you weren't together. He's afraid of committment, that's obvious, so don't push him.

 

Tell him you too want him in your life and you're willing to work with him and allow him the time to figure things out. If he wants to do it on his own, you need to respect that.

 

Whatever happens, the harder you try and cling to him the farther away from you shall he run.

[Tylerslovingfather]

If you truly, in your heart, are madly deeply in love with this guy; Why would you want to change him? Isn't he still the same person you fell in love with 3 years ago? In order to love someone you need to accept them for who he is, the same as he needs accept you for who you are. If he is not ready to settle down, nothing you do or say will change that fact, the same as nothing he says will change you for long without you ending up hating his guts for it. Whether you cut ties or not is your decision, but remeber if you cannot love him for who he is now then why put yourself through this pain. People don't change until there ready, and trying to force someone to makes them resentful, even if they are willing participents at first. Listen to both your head and your heart, they both know what is best for you. Way both options and ask about yourself "what if" questions both good and negative, and you will find your answer.

[steffany]

Are you saying this to me or JC?

 

Hahahaha

 

I don't want to change my ex. I never did. I met him and he owned his own business he fell into hard times and went down the wrong path always promising me and himself he would get back on the right path.

 

Well sometimes when we choose a path we know isn't right inlife it's harder than we think to get off. So he is just lost and it's easier for him to stay on the wrong path then struglle and find the way back to the right path.

 

I have nothing against him as a person. No personality traits I dislike and want to change. I just want him to have a respectable job again. He has lost something in himself and seems almost depressed since he lost his business and what he does now is easy and quick money but it doesn't satisfy him or make him happy.

 

I was trying to help him and stand by my man in a time of need but if in two years he couldn't find a job and stop hustling on the streets then that is fine...but I don't want to be in that situation. It just isn't safe for me to be there.

 

The only reason I left him is his choise of income. I believe in working hard and making a living even if it isn't a lot of money. He doesn't feel the same...He thinks money is all he needs...but let me tell you it isn't and part of him knows because he is becoming more and more depressed and less happy in life the longer he stays on the streets.

 

 

If this wasn't meant for me then SORRY