MrAugust Posted December 5, 2005 Posted December 5, 2005 Suppose you want your wife to send an email to the ex-boyfriend that you suspect she may have kissed (or perhaps done more) when she was away visiting her family (he lives near there and she admitted that she saw him). You want her to send an email that will get a response from him which will tell you whether or not they kissed (it's unlikely they would've done more but don't want to totally rule it out). How would you word this email ? Thanks. Yes, I know - a pretty pathetic show of trust on my part.
Kenyth Posted December 5, 2005 Posted December 5, 2005 What makes you suspect? You don't want to make an a$$ of yourself, so be careful here. At the same time, if she made a special trip to see an ex in secret, you have cause for grave concern. Ask her directly first. Watch the eyes, they generally tell a lot if a person is under duress. If you're still suspicious, ask her family directly. You'll find that people have a harder time lying than you think and that stories won't match up if they do. Regardless, you should make it plainly known to her you will not tolerate this kind of thing ever, period! If she want's to see ex-boyfreinds/husbands, she can do it being single. You'll make sure and see to that with the next instance you learn of. You wouldn't want to cramp her style with commitment or anything.
slubberdegullion Posted December 5, 2005 Posted December 5, 2005 MrAugust, trust me on this one, ok? You don't want to send anybody any email about anyone kissing anyone else. This isn't about the fellow in question, this is between you and your wife. Regardless, you should make it plainly known to her you will not tolerate this kind of thing ever, period! If she want's to see ex-boyfreinds/husbands, she can do it being single. The dude's got it right on. So grow a pair and show her that you mean business.
Author MrAugust Posted December 6, 2005 Author Posted December 6, 2005 MrAugust, trust me on this one, ok? You don't want to send anybody any email about anyone kissing anyone else. Why not ? If she sends an email to him talking about the "special kiss that they shared", then his response (confusion because they didn't or confirmation because they did) will make it pretty obvious. To me having her do that shows a lot more about "growing a pair" than just stomping your feet up and down saying you won't tolerate it any more(Besides, I already did that).
Trimmer Posted December 6, 2005 Posted December 6, 2005 I have to agree with you: it does seem pathetic. So are you proposing to secretly send this EMail yourself, impersonating your wife, or are you going to "make her" send it herself? Put it this way, if something did happen, and she's actively deceiving you, don't you think she'll try to warn him somehow to respond carefully, either before or just after she sends the Email? How are you going to stop her from warning him? "Make her" send it right now, without any warning? And if she refuses? And then once she sends it, will you follow her around for the next day or two to make sure she can't do anything to warn him? Ultimately, you've just made the situation worse, and driven it more underground. And if nothing happened, then you've not only "made her" send an Email that may well make him think she's interested (when she wasn't in the first place), but you've also humiliated your wife who didn't do anything anyway. If she had any inclinations to dream about someone else, this would only help push that process along.... Even though I'll admit I've done some sneaking around, collecting information to try to find out the truth about an affair, I'm not a fan of actively creating deception as a tool to try to shake out the truth... Sounds like something Shakespeare would come up with, and people keep turning up dead at the end of his stuff... "We had to destroy the village to save it..." Just out of curiosity - how did it come to pass that she admitted she saw him? Did she offer that out of the blue? Or did you uncover something and confront her with it? If so, what was her mood in response (defensive? calm?) Has she shown herself to be untrustworthy/unfaithful in the past?
Author MrAugust Posted December 6, 2005 Author Posted December 6, 2005 Well, to answer those questions, below is a thread that I originally posted on the subject. Maybe after you see what's going on you'll understand why I've resorted to contemplating doing something "pathetic". My wife and I have been married for 5 years. We seem to have a good marriage and usually get along pretty well. The friendship is good. The sex is very good although not as frequent as we both would like. We have no children and are in our thirties. Our biggest arguments are about money and typical "couple stuff". Well, I've been faced with a real challenge here. Preface : She is from Colombia. I originally met her when she was up here in the USA visiting her sister. She has always been homesick and misses all of the comforts of where she grew up - the food, the friends, the music, etc. She maintains heavy email contact with her friends. Some of these friends are former boyfriends. (You ever see a young group of friends who go through that phase where they seem to take turns dating each other, but even after the breakups they are still close ? aka Melrose Place, St. Elmo's Fire, etc. ? Well there ya go). I've always been aware that some of her friends are ex-boyfriends and have never felt threatened by that. I have a few friends who are ex-girlfriends also. But things changed one day 2 weeks ago when I was in her email account... There was one email I saw where the closing was : "Kisses on the cuquita ... Juan" (cuquita is a cute Spanish word for the female genitalia). Another one was from another ex-lover (Jorge) who, even though married with a son, felt the need to tell her that he still thinks about her and what it was like to hold her, feel her, touch her, etc. Then there was another one from Juan where he says that he would marry her if she wasn't already married. There is another email where my wife is telling her best friend that she feels guilty for staying in touch with Jorge because she is married - and that she would never leave her loving husband (that would be me) for him but she feels guilty for trading emails with him and for thinking about him. (In a related story, I found some emails where her and Jorge are reminiscing and even a few where they are sending love songs to each other.) Now even after all of that (thanks for staying with me here, I know it's long) it gets even more interesting... She went to Colombia in September for her best friends wedding. From looking through these emails I discovered that Jorge (the one she felt guilty about staying in touch with) and my wife saw each other - it appears that she invited him to hang out with her and her friends. So now I confront her about all of this... She gets very upset and denies that anything actually happened. I ask her to name all of the men who were sending these emails (she doesn't know which emails I actually saw). She names 2 names, but Jorge ISN'T one of them. I ask her AGAIN - she doesn't name Jorge. I ask her a THIRD time - and she can tell that I know she left someone out - so she gives in and mentions Jorge. She tells me that the first guy (Juan) who sent the email with the cuquita reference just likes to talk like that, jokingly, and that he knows that nothing would ever come of it (he is in the group of friends/ex-boyfriends that she saw when visiting Colombia in September). She says that Jorge was a close friend even before they were together years ago, and that she wanted to keep track of his life, how things were going with his wife and son, etc. She says that neither of these men, nor anyone else, made a p*** at her. The next day she changes her story and admits that, in an alone moment when he was leaving, Jorge asked her to give him a kiss - something to remember her by. She says that she told him no, and that he took her hand and asked her again, and that she again said no, and that he then gave her a peck on the cheek and left without further incident. ................. Now even though there is no smoking gun showing that she physically cheated on me, I'm not feeling real comfortable here. I tell her that I've lost some trust, and she begs me not to leave her, telling me that nothing happened - she said she was "confused" earlier in the year because she didn't understand why she was having thoughts about this guy while she was still happily married to me..... and that I am the best thing that ever happened to her, and she is sorry for the emails and for not telling me what was going on. Still, I feel veryyyy uneasy. I truly believe (and she even admitted to this) that if something had happened that she likely wouldn't be able to tell me. OK what do I do here ?? Here is my problem - she lied to me at least THREE times. 1) Didn't tell me about these emails and contacts 2) Didn't tell me that Jorge was one of the men sending these emails (until she knew that I knew and HAD to tell me) and 3) Lied about Jorge not trying anything (until she changed her story and admitted it) I am so afraid that something happened and she doesn't have the heart to tell me. She had always been so trustworthy, which is what makes this so shocking to me. Now I have to guess whether or not this is Lie #4, or if she is truthful when saying that she rejected him in person. Please tell me how you would handle this situation - I am in pain here. Thanks so much in advance.
sylviaguardian Posted December 6, 2005 Posted December 6, 2005 Mr August, i am sorry that you are in so much pain. To be honest I don't know what you will achieve by sending the email about the kiss. Even if he did admit that he kissed her, how could you know whether he just pecked her on the cheek or not? And if he didn't kiss her, then that's alright? I would just be grateful that you have discovered all of this before anything did happen. The problem here is your wife's attitude. She appears not to have moved on from her teenage 'melrose place' time and thinks it is ok to go round flirting with anyone she feels like. The kiss on the you-know-what thing is totally out of order, even if it was meant as a joke. The real issue here is why she is not showing you or your marriage any respect. That's what you need to get to the bottom of. Good luck. I am sure this can be sorted out. Would you consider counselling? Sylvia
Author MrAugust Posted December 6, 2005 Author Posted December 6, 2005 Mr August, i am sorry that you are in so much pain. To be honest I don't know what you will achieve by sending the email about the kiss. Even if he did admit that he kissed her, how could you know whether he just pecked her on the cheek or not? And if he didn't kiss her, then that's alright? I would just be grateful that you have discovered all of this before anything did happen. The problem here is your wife's attitude. She appears not to have moved on from her teenage 'melrose place' time and thinks it is ok to go round flirting with anyone she feels like. The kiss on the you-know-what thing is totally out of order, even if it was meant as a joke. The real issue here is why she is not showing you or your marriage any respect. That's what you need to get to the bottom of. Good luck. I am sure this can be sorted out. Would you consider counselling? Sylvia If I word the email correctly I think it would be pretty obvious if it was a real kiss or just a harmless peck. Yes, we are in counseling now - nothing earth shattering at this point as the therapist is still in fact finding mode.
Author MrAugust Posted December 6, 2005 Author Posted December 6, 2005 Why did she go to Colombia without you? For her best friends wedding. It would've been way too costly for me to take 2 1/2 weeks off work.
westernxer Posted December 6, 2005 Posted December 6, 2005 I guess you'll have to wait and see what happens. It's all very strange, though. I used to hang out with South Americans (from Argentina), and all the guys were down with cheating, provided they could get away with it. Not saying your girl is a cheater, but her ex is definitely an hijo de puta, saying things like un beso en la cuquita.
Skeered Posted December 6, 2005 Posted December 6, 2005 Personally I think that if you have her email that to this guy, regardless of what happened, you have subconsciously made up your mind that something did happen. The mind has a wonderful way of twisting words up in times of hurt so I feel that any response back from him you might twist, not believe or otherwise misread what is written. IMO..your wife is home you are going through counseling wether it be for this particular issue or something else, you are there for a reason. Get through the counseling and see how you feel. A marriage is not any good without trust. And if you have any feelings that anything happened those will have to be worked out through counseling anyway...hearing anything from this other guy will not prove anything... IMO
reader Posted December 6, 2005 Posted December 6, 2005 It appears to me that something has been missing in the relationship for her to want to keep in contact in this manner. That doesn't mean anything has happened... You are in counseling, and I think whatever she is feeling will come out through that. If she didn't care, she wouldn't go. Take your time and go through this. Do not send the email. Do not make her, do not do it yourself. You know, maybe I'm just out of the loop - but I don't read or check my husband's email or messages. He has had a female friend for 25 years. If he wants her, he can have her, I'll be too busy doing something else and it won't involve either of them, believe me. You seem like a very reasonable person - take the high road and go to counseling. Slow down and stay the course. Let us know how it is going.
RecordProducer Posted December 7, 2005 Posted December 7, 2005 If she sends an email, she will still not get a reply from him right away. So she will have time to call him on the phone and let him know what's going on. It's best to do it on the phone. She can talk to him while you're listening to the conversation. She can ask him if he thinks that she has somehow betrayed her husband by seeing him. If he says "No, we didn't do anything except talking" then you'll know that nothing happened. (if he asks for an explanation as to why she asks that... who cares what he thinks? She can always answer something like "Well, you know, you're my ex-BF, I wouldn't like it if he met his ex-GFs). If the guy says "We just kissed" or "Don't worry about it" or something. In that case, I would hang up (as in the phone line dropped), think of what I want her to ask him next and call again in order to find out the whole truth. You can record the conversation if you don't understand Spanish well. If she is guilty, she will most likely confess before you do all this.
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