Guinevere04 Posted December 5, 2005 Posted December 5, 2005 My boyfriend and I have been dating for 16 months. We are crazy about each other, but we have lots of arguments. We are both under a ton of stress because we are both trying to get divorced, going through custody and child support issues with our exes and it seems like it will never end. But we love each other dearly and have both been there for each other when things get bad. Well he broke up with me the day before Thanksgiving because I didnt tell him that my son came home 30 minutes late the prior weekend. Didnt seem like a big deal to me, they called and said he would be late and he was. No need to make a big deal about it. For some reason, my boyfriend looked through my cellphone and saw where my ex called. He said, why did you talk to him at 3:50 and not tell me? I was so pissed about him looking through my phone that I went off on him. I explained that he called to say he would be late and the conversation lasted about 30 seconds. He called me a "lying piece of $hit" and said he didnt believe a word that came out of my mouth. He asked for the engagement ring back that he gave me and for my cell phone (he pays for it). We didnt speak on Thanksgiving and I am sure both of our families wondered where the other one was. So I went out that night with my sister because I was just devastated about us breaking up. I drank WAY too much and started saying all kinds of bad things about him. Like he is short and moody and bosses me around and all kinds of stuff. One guy was sitting near and heard it all, I dont really know him but I knew that he and B knew each other. Anyway, the next day. I couldn't stand myself for talking so ugly about him and I called him and told him the things (that I could remember) that I said. He was so hurt and I cant blame him. I thought it was over forever when I was saying those things and I was just broken hearted. When I called him and told him the bad things I had said, he still wanted to work things out with me and I was thrilled. So he just called me a few minutes ago and said that his exwife called him saying that I must have found out how he really was since I was talking so bad about him the other night. She said verbatim things that I recall now that I said. He called me totally ticked off because it had gotten back to her and she even told his mother some of what i said. The guy that was sitting near me must have been the one to tell her because they all live in a different city, including my B. So now, even though we are not the couple made in heaven to start with and have had some issues lately, I feel like I have just completely ruined this. He said that I need to fix it, but I dont know what to do. I am still upset about him looking through my phone, because I know that meant he didnt trust me for some reason, but now everything is ruined because of me and my big drunk mouth. I am just afraid too much damage has been done now and I want things to be like they used to be. He is my best friend and has stuck with me through the hardest time of my life in the last year. I think he was so mad about me talking to my ex because he has hurt me in so many ways and pulled so much crap over the last two years, B is just looking out for me and probably wanted to be sure he didnt call raising cain at me like he normally does. Can I fix this? I adore him.
Walk Posted December 5, 2005 Posted December 5, 2005 I think your "B" is being an jerk getting upset with you over what you said. He broke up with you after invading your privacy, accusing you of lying, and saying your a sack o' s***. You need to step back a moment before you go throwing yourself back at him. Unless you've given him reason in the past not to believe you (and I mean concerte reasons), and to react so strongly, then he's the one in the wrong, not you. And what, he gets mad cause his ex found out you two had a fight?? That's bogus. If he didn't care so much about what his ex thought of him, then he wouldn't get upset if she heard something negative about him. Don't apologize. The man had no right to react, and still react, the way he is. He's invading your privacy, calling you a horrible names, throwing a fit like a child when you're trying to explain a simple situation. Don't do this, please. You've done nothing wrong. He dumped you and took his engagment ring back. You had every right to say the things you did. Plus you went above and beyond by apologizing for speaking so badly. He forgave you. and now he wants to piss a fit cause a women he's no longer with heard what you said?!?! Unless he's still with her, then it shouldn't matter what his ex thinks, or hears of him. Can I go tell him he's being an ass? please?
Author Guinevere04 Posted December 5, 2005 Author Posted December 5, 2005 I think only reason he cares that she knows we had this argument is because she is spreading it like wildfire. I just hate that she told him mom. But I was like you, my first response was 'I'm sorry, her opinion matters because why?' The only thing I have ever remotely done which gave him reason to mistrust me was back in January my exhusband came by the drop of my son's bag and I offered him some speghetti that we had just finished because I knew he was working at nights all of a sudden when he had always worked days so I figured he didnt have anything to eat. I was just being nice, I couldnt care less if he starved to death personally. But B and my ex had a conversation several months later and my ex mentioned it and B has been afraid we were going to get back together ever since, which is ridiculous. I still feel bad for saying the bad things I said and disrespecting him because he has done so much for me and my son and when he is not being stupid about something like this, he is the sweetest thing ever. BUt he just seems so moody. Unfortunately, thats one of the things I said about him too. BUt I meant that one!
Walk Posted December 6, 2005 Posted December 6, 2005 I have to ask though... Was there anything you said that night at the bar that wasn't true? Like a flat out, is not the way he is, lie? That's probably why he's really upset, since it was the truth. I can understand why you'd feel bad about saying all those things, but don't take all the blame on yourself. A.) You're not the person who's spreading these things around. You said them once, in the heat of the moment, drunk, and in pain. B.) You apologized, and expressed remorse. C.) You aren't the one telling his Mom how horrible her little boy is. D.) He got upset over something insignificant and reacted like a spoiled little boy. So, I think he'll figure out that his anger is misplaced after this calms down in a little while. The only person he should really be mad at is his ex. Not you. You could offer to talk to his mother, explain the situation and your views. Why she should care about all this is beyond me, but if it'd make your guy feel better, then I guess it wouldn't hurt to offer. I think he'll turn you down though. I think you two really need to sit down and talk about some things soon. You might want to point out to him that he's placing a lot of his anger and stress on you, as though you are the one responsible. When its his ex wife causing the drama. (Not accusingly point out) And maybe get to some of the root of his jealousy issue. That was pretty extreme for someone to blow up about. He has some deep trust issues you might want to delve into before getting married. Personally, if I were him. I would've initially been mad. Then seen the situation for what it was, and gotten over it. So what if my parents heard some gossip. Keeps them lively. Especially if I knew I wasn't like that, then who cares what others say. Talk to him about this though. If you think he overreacted because he's stressed then say that. Sometimes people get caught into a mind set, and need the other person to point it out to us. Analyze what's going on in both your lives and see if you can pinpoint the reason for why he blew his top. And then work on that. Good luck.
Walk Posted December 6, 2005 Posted December 6, 2005 p.s. I've got me a moody guy too. Never called me names or accused me of lying before though. Best thing I've found... and may not work for you... I very stubbornly stand my ground on when I feel he's blowing things out of proportion. I don't do it in an aggressive manner though, which is the only reason it works. I found being blatantly resistant makes him stand his ground more. I keep my cool, continue to ask questions, listen a lot, ask more questions, let him vent it out until we finally get to the root of the problem, or he gets exhausted. ha. j/k. But I've found I can ask enough questions in such a way as to get him thinking on what the situation really was, and not whatever initial reaction he had to it. Even if he is the greatest guy in the world, don't let him push you around like this. I'd bet money it's not even really you he's mad at any more.
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