Desperately need advice on coping.

[CaliGuy]

I'll give you the short version of what is going on.

 

I was involved with someone whom I fell in love with but she did not fall in love with me. Physically we are 100% compatible. She lives with me now only because she hasn't found an apartment yet. She has basically shut me out of her life now. She wants friends and a social life and doesn't want to be tied down to anyone (she said the thought makes her feel suffocated). Said she could see us married but doesn't want that now.

 

I can't get her out of my head. I wouldn't say I am depressed but I am also not a bundle of joy when I see her around. She doesn't talk to me much, if at all when she comes home because I always go back to 'us', which there is no 'us' in her mind. I know that I need to regain my confidence and be happy (I was when I met her and I think that is why she was attracted to me).

 

Tomorrow night is her brother's birthday and of course I was invited to go. I have his present but what I think I should do is start showing my confidence. I want to tell her 'since you've said you need your space away from me, I think you should go alone.' That will shock her as she thinks I will always want to be around her. I was going to give her his present and say 'please give this to your bro and have a great time' with a smile on my face and then turn on my heels and leave her standing there.

 

This is really what I think I should do. It will show her that I don't 'need' to be around her all the time and that I am really changing as a person and being more confident in who I am. I am a good guy, I just fell in love with someone who isn't ready to be in a full-time relationship.

 

Now, as far as coping goes, how do I deal with this when she lives with me and is always on my mind? I am OBSESSED with her. She's everything I've ever wanted in a friend and lover. She doesn't communicate well and I admit I 'overthink' too much. I just want to get on with my life (and I know it's hard when she lives with me, though we aren't sleeping together or even in the same bed).

 

I have met someone else and I want to go on a few dates. I imagine if she sees that I am moving on with my life and dating it will relieve the pressure from her and perhaps she might start to come around a bit. She knows I am a great guy and admits as much. The feelings just aren't there for her right now and I don't know if they will ever come back. I just know that if I don't start asserting that I can live without her and that I WILL, I will not just lose her forever (which I will do anyway if I don't change), I will lose the ability to win anyone else!

 

She has said that she wants to be friends and she doesn't want to shut me out of her life. Once she moves out though I doubt I will hear from her much if at all, if she doesn't see that I have changed before she leaves.

 

I know you guys are going to say that I need to write her off and perhaps you are right. I just want to leave the door open for her if she decides she wants to come back (and right now she knows she can at any time so the desire to come back isn't much.) I once joked with her that I met someone and I was getting married and I saw the sadness on her face, so I know deep down if she knew she would be losing me it might shake her up.

 

I know I am stupid, lack self-confidence, etc. I am trying to 'fake it till I make it' but it's really hard. I know -- 'nut it up, guy.' But HOW?! How do I deal with dreaming of her, who she is with, what she is doing and why she doesn't like me?

 

I am teaching myself to let go, that she isn't worth my time -- but it's taking forever for that to set in....

[omegaRED]

You want her to see that you`ve changed? It`s not gonna do any good. While she might see the changes as a positive sign, it`s not gonna happen overnight. She`s gonna see through your efforts to impress her and get her to stay, but i doubt she`ll believe that you can change so quickly and permanently.

[CaliGuy]

You want her to see that you`ve changed? It`s not gonna do any good. While she might see the changes as a positive sign, it`s not gonna happen overnight. She`s gonna see through your efforts to impress her and get her to stay, but i doubt she`ll believe that you can change so quickly and permanently.

 

I hear what you're saying. I realize she won't believe I have completely changed but I at least need to get the ball rolling.

 

I'm trying to remember to be confident and happy when I talk to her, do I know that to be true.

 

Any other advice?

[In Sync]

Fear of failure and a deep need to believe that we are lovable. Failures cause us to start plotting ways to salvage success. And having someone who knows us better than anyone else tell us they don't love us is too hard a message to take. So we HAVE to fix it. It's easier to take a breakup when you love yourself, but that's especially hard to do when going through a breakup.

 

Often the other person really isn't worth all the heartache and obsession. But the ego can't take the rejection and so we idolize and objectify the other person because they are the symbol of the thing we fear the most: lifetime loneliness and fundamental unlovability. Blame your parents.

 

That is a quote wriiten by johan from another thread. I post it here because it applies to you in your situation. Your gf is moving on, its rejection, plain and simple. Now you are obssessing to change and try to fix it. In the end you will dig a hole of more depression for your self if she doesn't appreciate your efforts. Save yourself further heartbreak here and let

her move on. Continued effort on your part will make her feel more suffocated. WHen people want space THEY WANT SPACE. Let her have it. Become invisible and start rebuilding your life. AS for the friends thing she's offering...You know what the standard motto here is already...Thanks but NC.

[CaliGuy]

That is a quote wriiten by johan from another thread. I post it here because it applies to you in your situation. Your gf is moving on, its rejection, plain and simple. Now you are obssessing to change and try to fix it. In the end you will dig a hole of more depression for your self if she doesn't appreciate your efforts. Save yourself further heartbreak here and let her move on. Continued effort on your part will make her feel more suffocated. WHen people want space THEY WANT SPACE. Let her have it. Become invisible and start rebuilding your life.

 

I know I need to rebuild my life, definitely.

 

AS for the friends thing she's offering...You know what the standard motto here is already...Thanks but NC.

 

But she did say "I could see us married" and she doesn't want me completely out of her life. She just wants to find herself and who she is without someone else interfering.

 

I won't cling to her. I will definitely work on ME and making myself happy. I just want her to see at least a little change before she moves out so that the seed is placed. She has never ruled us out. In fact, she sits on the fence a lot in regards to the future with us.

 

Granted, moving on and letting her live her life will be the right step for the both of us. She has said 'if it happens, it happens' and I do know that pushing her towards me only serves to repel her even more.

 

She has said no one has ever treated her as well as I have and I guess deep down I hope that carries some value in the future if she does mature (she's admitted to being immature) and want to be with someone who truly loves and cares for her unconditionally.

 

I've never loved anyone this deeply and it seems the pain is much, much worse when you truly love them when they reject you.

[CaliGuy]

The more I think about the more I come to the realization I need to learn how to "not care" or "shrug her off." If I can't truly get over her then there is no chance ever for us. I have to balance myself now and show some indifference.

 

That starts tomorrow with her bros birthday party, which I am going to decline going to at the last minute. That's something I would not normally do. I am sure she is dreading going with me and the suprise that she gets to go it alone might start showing her I can live without her.

 

Oh and she did say she doesn't see me as a doormat, so that's good.

[newbby]

if you asked her if she sees you as a doormat then she does. im sorry but sometimes you really just have to realise that its the end otherwise you wont move on.

[fomerlyniceguy]

yes the problem with obsession is you allow yourself to become a doormat. You have to do more than just pretend to change, you have to really change. My suggestion don't go to the party, second keep the present for yourself, third get her out of your apartment, and lastly break all contact with her. Then and only then can you concentrate on yourself and what you need. Those "needs" you have are important, and you aren't being selfish to attend to them. Look at building your own self esteem. Know what you want from life, have the courage to go after it and then and only then will someone (maybe her maybe someone else) will find you irresistable. Believe me I know how you feel I am doing that now and it is a slow and painful process, even though you will have somedays when you don't feel it and have to fake it, there will be others when you feel on top of the world. Do yourself a favor and examine how people treat you differently on those "on top the world days". You will be amazed.

 

fng

[CaliGuy]

Thanks guys.

 

The hardest thing for me to do is accept things for the way they are and move on.

 

Oh, I can't kick her out though I have asked her to speed up the process.

 

And the present it one I have no use for so she might as well deliver it to him. But I do think not going to the party is a step in the right direction. She'll have plenty of time to "think" while she is alone on that drive (1-1/2 hours). And I think not going will get her to at least think a bit about "why" I am not going or why I don't want to spend time with her.

[In Sync]

But she did say "I could see us married" and she doesn't want me completely out of her life. She just wants to find herself and who she is without someone else interfering.

 

AaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaHHaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!

 

Dude, are you seriously going to let this girl F**K with your mind with that shred of hope crock of a line. AFTER she's basically "She has basically shut me out of her life now." (that was your earlier quote) She just wants to find herself..uh where have we all heard that before.

Everyday I'm walking through NYC and it's a regular jungle out there with how many beautiful women are out there. Hell, I know for sure my ex is probably hooked up with one of them...I'm in fetile position just knowing that. So considering the odds are in your favor....I'm telling you...back off this and focus on rocking yourself up and moving on to one of those zillion of girls I must compete with on a day to day basis. (just having a laugh here at my expense and to slap some sense into you!) Listen you are in the deep of it. You see her as a goddess, and you can't live without her..Guess What...you will. Now go and NC and start a new page with your name written under the line. It's ALL ABOUT ME Time!

[fomerlyniceguy]

You're right it is a step but you seem to be putting to much emphasis on it's outcome. You may tell her no and she may very well go by herself. Will she see this as some turning point as you seem to hope it will? Probably not. From what she has said to you I would assume it will phase her very little, or like you said possibly she will be happy you didn't go. You can't wait around for her to change her mind, you have to start the process of changing yours. You aren't in any position to be concerned about what she wants, desires, or needs. You aren't in a relationship with her, you have to only be concered about your wants, needs and desires. You obviously sound like a nice guy that wants to love and be loved. Start the process of meeting your needs for that. Don't set at home thinking up way to hange her mind, get out and live your life.

 

fng

[CaliGuy]

AaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaHHaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!

 

Dude, are you seriously going to let this girl F**K with your mind with that shred of hope crock of a line. AFTER she's basically "She has basically shut me out of her life now." (that was your earlier quote) She just wants to find herself..uh where have we all heard that before.

Everyday I'm walking through NYC and it's a regular jungle out there with how many beautiful women are out there. Hell, I know for sure my ex is probably hooked up with one of them...I'm in fetile position just knowing that. So considering the odds are in your favor....I'm telling you...back off this and focus on rocking yourself up and moving on to one of those zillion of girls I must compete with on a day to day basis. (just having a laugh here at my expense and to slap some sense into you!)

 

You got me to laugh Thank you.

 

 

Listen you are in the deep of it. You see her as a goddess, and you can't live without her..Guess What...you will. Now go and NC and start a new page with your name written under the line. It's ALL ABOUT ME Time!

 

Exactly. And I told her "I want you in my life, but I don't NEED you in my life" so she is well aware of that. I really do just need to focus on myself. Like I said, I have some projects to keep me busy and there is someone else interested in me, so I will be pursing that in the meantime.

[CaliGuy]

You're right it is a step but you seem to be putting to much emphasis on it's outcome. You may tell her no and she may very well go by herself. Will she see this as some turning point as you seem to hope it will? Probably not. From what she has said to you I would assume it will phase her very little, or like you said possibly she will be happy you didn't go.

 

She might be happy that I chose not to go, I can accept that. That's a good thing as it will relieve some pressure on her. That's secondary to my needs, which is to distance myself from her and her family.

 

I'm supposed to go there for Christmas but I am thinking I should skip that as well.

 

You can't wait around for her to change her mind, you have to start the process of changing yours. You aren't in any position to be concerned about what she wants, desires, or needs. You aren't in a relationship with her, you have to only be concered about your wants, needs and desires. You obviously sound like a nice guy that wants to love and be loved. Start the process of meeting your needs for that. Don't set at home thinking up way to hange her mind, get out and live your life.

 

fng

 

Thank you, I totally agree with this statement. I don't want to be completely selfish but I do think it's high time I took care of myself and my needs for once in my life.

[witabix]

Reading the above shows how often this kind of thing happens, here's what I did. It may help you. I wrote it all down, everthing I could think of in a kind of Relationship Diary. I read and re-read it to make sure it was accurate and factual. Then I considered how these things had happened to me. How had I faciltated this treatment of myself? Next I made some rules foor myself.

 

My Re-Assessment of My Attitudes

 

• No more middle of the night rendezvous with me hanging around fitting my schedule around someone else’s, no more hanging on waiting for a reply to text messages.

• I will insist on treating myself with respect even if no one else does.

• I will not blow up when a ‘girl friend’ dates other men, because if that is what I even think is happening, I will walk away.

• I will foster friendships with females from now on and I will do so with dignity and no apologies or costing myself friends for the sake of someone else’s feelings. It is time for me to grow again.

• I will not accept any lies, and I will not forgive any lies on any issue ever again from anyone. Broken promises ditto.

• I will not accept any hidden contact be it phone/ text/ physical meeting with male “friends”. If it is hidden there is a reason why it is hidden, and there cannot be a good reason for this kind of behaviour if I detect or learn of such I will end the relationship immediately and completely regardless of the initial cost to my own feelings or the length of the relationship.

• I will not allow anyone to ever treat me badly or disregard my feelings again.

• The time has come to be ME again. (I feel much better for this. I will INSIST on me following these rules)

 

 

These are particular to my own situation and probably do not apply to you. I am tired of being a doormat and I will not perform that function again.

 

I have printed my rules and they are now in my wallet where I can refer to them and remind myself WHY I made them for me. Perhaps you could do the same sort of thing?

[BrknHrt]

That is a great suggestion Wit, I'm going to do that myself.

[CaliGuy]

Reading the above shows how often this kind of thing happens, here's what I did. It may help you. I wrote it all down, everthing I could think of in a kind of Relationship Diary. I read and re-read it to make sure it was accurate and factual. Then I considered how these things had happened to me. How had I faciltated this treatment of myself? Next I made some rules foor myself.

 

My Re-Assessment of My Attitudes

 

• No more middle of the night rendezvous with me hanging around fitting my schedule around someone else’s, no more hanging on waiting for a reply to text messages.

• I will insist on treating myself with respect even if no one else does.

• I will not blow up when a ‘girl friend’ dates other men, because if that is what I even think is happening, I will walk away.

• I will foster friendships with females from now on and I will do so with dignity and no apologies or costing myself friends for the sake of someone else’s feelings. It is time for me to grow again.

• I will not accept any lies, and I will not forgive any lies on any issue ever again from anyone. Broken promises ditto.

• I will not accept any hidden contact be it phone/ text/ physical meeting with male “friends”. If it is hidden there is a reason why it is hidden, and there cannot be a good reason for this kind of behaviour if I detect or learn of such I will end the relationship immediately and completely regardless of the initial cost to my own feelings or the length of the relationship.

• I will not allow anyone to ever treat me badly or disregard my feelings again.

• The time has come to be ME again. (I feel much better for this. I will INSIST on me following these rules)

 

 

These are particular to my own situation and probably do not apply to you. I am tired of being a doormat and I will not perform that function again.

 

I have printed my rules and they are now in my wallet where I can refer to them and remind myself WHY I made them for me. Perhaps you could do the same sort of thing?

 

 

Excellent idea! I will print them up but I need them where I can see it every day. My list would be something like this.

 

1. Stop worrying about what she is doing or who she is with. You have no control over her life and as such, any efforts are futile.

2. Stop bending over backwards to please others. People like me for who I am, not what I do for them.

3. Never accept being treated badly again. You deserve respect so if they don't respect you, make it known you aren't going to take it or leave them!

4. I will have hobbies and occupy my time outside a relationship.

5. Learn to be balanced, aloof and that it's ok to play hard to get.

6. Don't be easy anymore.

7. When someone pulls away from me, pull back also. It's the only way you can show them they are free to go and you aren't clinging on to them.

8. Stop over-analyzing my relationships!!!!!!!

 

How's that sound for a start? Are there others you would recommend for me?

[witabix]

1. Stop worrying about what she is doing or who she is with. You have no control over her life and as such, any efforts are futile.

2. Stop bending over backwards to please others. People like me for who I am, not what I do for them.

3. Never accept being treated badly again. You deserve respect so if they don't respect you, make it known you aren't going to take it or leave them!

4. I will have hobbies and occupy my time outside a relationship.

5. Learn to be balanced, aloof and that it's ok to play hard to get.

6. Don't be easy anymore.

7. When someone pulls away from me, pull back also. It's the only way you can show them they are free to go and you aren't clinging on to them.

8. Stop over-analyzing my relationships!!!!!!!

 

How's that sound for a start? Are there others you would recommend for me?

 

How about something along the lines of....

 

Always expect the same level of respect and treatment from a partner that you give them, with no exceptions, if they don't want to discuss such things then don't take them seriously, and go on with your life.

 

Be careful with your No.8 above. Don't stop considering what is going on, but over analysing can be a problem sometimes.

[CaliGuy]

Appreciate it!

[witabix]

No problem my friend.

 

Knowing your situation helps me in mine also.

 

The one thing that must be gaurded against is becoming a cynical emotionally dead person. Even bad experiences and painful situations can help us to grow, if we have the strength to learn from them and not to repeat our own mistakes. We must not the lose the good parts of our personalities, just change the behaviors that show other people that they can "play" with us, in the negative sense of the word of course.

[In Sync]

You know what's so frustrating, here we are on this website with all sorts of guidelines and rules (infamous NC) to help in our healing which is great, but there are people out there who have left those of us here is in emotional messes. They don't have guidelines and walking around with cards. There mission was plain and simple. "I'm Outta Here..I'm Moving On." Are they walking around with guidelines on cards and obeying rules of engagement. No.

Why don't they feel this remorse or loss about us, even though they've severed the ties? It's because we became attached to these people...weren't they attached to us?

Is love so powerful and blind that we miss that hidden signals that tell us, oh watch out this person is not into you...My point is, when you fall in love, you'll never watch those signs and signals because you ignore them or turn a blind eye just to be with that person. That's what concerns me. My ex relationship was with a Narcissists, on hindsight I should have paid attention to the signals and adhere to guarding my and my needs...once I was completely hooked I was not seeing the relationship as it was truthfully.

[bendit]

Were they attached to US? Yes in the same way you are attached to your suitcase. You are an Object to them, nothing more. How could they move on so quickly, and they do at the drop of hat you know, if their feelings for us were anything other than a command performance? IS you DON"T want to be them. They don't have it easier than us. Understand that they just move on from relationship to relationship (junkies) out of an Intense need to not be alone.

 

They feel they are nothing without another person beside them validating their existence. One week mine wanted to have my baby and wear my commitment ring...be with me FOevah. Within a few weeks, she was happily trolling in the online dating pond AGAIN, looking for a replacement for the "suitcase" she had discarded because it was no longer meeting her needs. Yours? Its very likely he found someone right away too, or even had someone waiting in the wings because he could feel you were catching on to his act.

 

Learn from this. Learn the signs. Its the "too good to be true" sign that you HAVE to pay attention too.

 

regards

[fomerlyniceguy]

You know what's so frustrating, here we are on this website with all sorts of guidelines and rules (infamous NC) to help in our healing which is great, but there are people out there who have left those of us here is in emotional messes. They don't have guidelines and walking around with cards. There mission was plain and simple. "I'm Outta Here..I'm Moving On." Are they walking around with guidelines on cards and obeying rules of engagement. No.

Why don't they feel this remorse or loss about us, even though they've severed the ties? It's because we became attached to these people...weren't they attached to us?

Is love so powerful and blind that we miss that hidden signals that tell us, oh watch out this person is not into you...My point is, when you fall in love, you'll never watch those signs and signals because you ignore them or turn a blind eye just to be with that person. That's what concerns me. My ex relationship was with a Narcissists, on hindsight I should have paid attention to the signals and adhere to guarding my and my needs...once I was completely hooked I was not seeing the relationship as it was truthfully.

 

Yes they seem to move on so quickly, does that mean they did it in a healthy way? Usually not. My stbxw one weekend told me that she was sorry that she never truly committed to our relationship, loved me intensely and wanted to get back on track, the next weekend she told me she wanted a divorce because she never had taken time for herself. Now I have no reason to believe she is seeing anyone else, but she has got very involved with her "healthy" friends. This group of friends include a couple who the guy is a serial cheater and is leaving his 22 year marriage and kids for the woman. The woman has been married twice once to an abusive husband, then to a drug addict(who she cheated on with the man) and basically abandoned her kids. The others are equally messed up, IE extremely materialistic, or can in no way hold on to a relationship more than a few weeks. She feels like she is living by a new set of rules, whether they are written down I have no idea. In hindsight should I have seen some red flags along the way? Yes. Is that natural for human beings to forgive those red flags? Yes we are raised that way, we are told no relationship is perfect so we feel that we have to forgive certain things. Part of becoming a mature person I feel is realizing what you forgive and what are deal breakers. We want to look for the best in people, sometimes to our own detremient. I used to believe that real love happened very quickly, maybe not at first sight but soon there after. I now realize that it is a slower process beginning with friends.

[omegaRED]

Will you ever ignore those red flags again? Learn. Set boundaries. If someone crosses them, swift kick to the curb.

[Painwraith]

Do they hurt?

 

Yes they do. they are still human and they may try to forget about us by moving on but someday they have to come to terms with it all.

 

They may be blissfully happy with their new person but they havent resolved their issues from before... sure they say they have but they havent and they are likely to go through the same thing over and over again.

 

You will never get them coming to you and honestly telling you why and what they were thinking it rarely happens and if they do normally they still keep things from you.

 

We dont want a relationship with people like that. We are better than they are because we feel the pain, we deal with it through communication and we then move on. what do they do?

 

Nothing.... the parasite for your emotions is gone. the bite still hurts but like any wound give it a bit of time and it will heal leaving you to remember what to do if it happens again.

 

Them however still carry their bites and because they never deal with them it becomes a part of them that doesnt heal.

 

YOU ARE ALL the better people and we are a family that will look after each other that is why we move on to better things....

 

Trust me we rock....

[fomerlyniceguy]

Will you ever ignore those red flags again? Learn. Set boundaries. If someone crosses them, swift kick to the curb.

 

No I won't ignore any red flags. Setting boundries is a learned response. We want to trust that those we love won't cross them but the truth is they might very well do it. It is our own fault if we do not reinforce them. Our job is to find relationship were when those boundries are reinforced that it is respected.