confused and in love Posted December 5, 2005 Posted December 5, 2005 Please no criticism. I already have a lot of guilt. I will try to keep this short but it has been taking up 12 years of my life. First of all when I married my husband I don't think that I was in love with him (not sure what love was then). He cheated on me 6 months before we got married with my best friend (we probably never should have gotten married). I tried to leave him when we had our first child, but my dad said you made your bed you lie in it, so I stayed. We fought a lot and still do off and on. We were married for 8 years when we were at a party and his friend kissed me. I was swept off my feet and confused. He is also a married man (17 years my senior). We had been friends for 3 years when he did this. I asked him why he did this and he said that he had wanted to for quite a while. It started out that we would just talk a lot and sometimes kiss but nothing else. We wanted it to go further but we didn’t feel right since we were both married and we were friends with the significant others (SO). We talked about swinging. He said it would be better if I brought it up since his wife and I had talked about it before anything happened between him and I. So I got the courage one night and I asked her. It started out that we just went out and “talked” to the SO. But things changed and it went farther. She got upset and wanted to quit being friends and ended everything. This is when I thought that I wanted to make it work with my husband and gave it my all. After 9 months of what I thought was great they (SO) wanted to start the swinging up again. I fought it…I said no that it would wreck our friendships (in which we started being friends again) and I didn’t want to do that. Well I was the only one who didn’t want it so it started again. I complained the whole time I was with him (OM). Then one night my husband told me that she told him that she didn’t love her husband anymore and that she loved my husband and had saved money and wanted him to leave with her. I continued to put up with this because I was getting closer to the OM. It got to the point where he was telling me that he loved me and wanted to be with me. We had even planned on leaving together until his wife got cancer and he felt he had to support her. Well the friendship ended again, but not between me and him. He still wanted to keep seeing me after he realized that she wasn’t going to change. I think that is why I am having a hard time with not wanting to be with him is because he keeps coming back to me and telling me how much he loves being with me. We have been seeing each other for 12 years for the most part. Now he and his wife are separated and things were going so good between the two of us until I told him that I told my husband that I wanted out (for the forth time). I don’t know if he got scared or what happened but he started seeing other women. I got mad and told him we were through. Well the only problem is, I love him and I believe that he loves me from the things that he has told me over the years. After about 2 months we have started seeing each other again. But I think that he is still seeing other women too. This really hurts because I am really in love with him. He told me a couple of months ago that he stills wants to be with me (away from our home town) and that he could love me like he did a couple years ago. So I am just confused. He had an issue with our age difference; like I said he is 17 years older than me. But the woman that he sees off and on is younger than me and has kids younger than mine. Well this is more than enough for my first time discussion. Oh I didn’t mention that my husband said he wouldn’t let me go. I should also mention that he was sexually and verbally abuse at first. Now I don’t let him be sexually abusive but he will sometimes be verbally abuse. My sister also thinks that our son (the only one left in the house) would be better off if I left. But the almighty money situation comes into the factor too. This is another long story in itself. Well so much for keeping this short. And this is just the tip of the iceberg.
Yikes Posted December 5, 2005 Posted December 5, 2005 Please learn how to write in paragraphs, this is terribly difficult to read. Too many bad choices going on here in my opinon.
Author confused and in love Posted December 5, 2005 Author Posted December 5, 2005 Sorry about the long paragraph. This is the first time I have ever been to a forum site. I know there were a lot of mistakes made. Just really confused now.
Recommended Posts