beowulf Posted December 5, 2005 Posted December 5, 2005 For some reason, I feel I need to tell my story maybe it'll make me feel better, or maybe it will make someone else feel better about there problems. Let me start 3 years ago... I was a contractor, moving around from state to state, making more money than anyone my age should be making, when I met a girl. Not just any girl... to me it was the girl. The one of my dreams, so at this point I decided to leave my high dollar job and take a significant pay cut to stay in the area , 40%. The first three months I was there(1000 miles away from my friends and family mind you...I was completely starting over) were wonderful, weekend trips to the country, casino trips...and before my contract was up we were engaged. The day I left one job and took the pay cut staying at this place 1000 miles away from everything I knew...she broke off the engagement. I was devestated... I didn't know what to do, where to go...I was alone. Why did she leave you may wonder....because she was a lesbian and wanted to try to patch things up with her old girfriend...A SMALL FACT THAT SHE DIDN'T MENTION BEFORE. Months went on, I settled in, I made new friends. Then I met another girl. She was nice, mature, and everything the previous one wasn't. She had three kids and eventually we all lived together. For 2 1/2 years we were together, this girl even begged me to get my name tatooed on her. After a year she did it anyway. Across her back and it was huge. For two years we talked about marriage and children... 3 Weeks ago she tells me in the pouring rain (when I caught her talking to her ex boyfriend...not thinking anything of it though) that it's over and she didn't love me anymore. Now this was rather a shock...One: no had ever told me this before Two: everything was always fine in our relationship Three: I make 5 times as much as she does and pay all the bills. and last but not leat: At a moment to prove her love to me 4 months earlier she TATOOS MY NAME ON HER. I won't understand why she did this...I can't bring myself to talk to her. I moved back to the south leaving everything behind except 3 suitcases, I even felt bad for her and paid the bills in full for 2 months. What's wrong with the world? My question for anyone that has ever had their heart ripped out after giving everything to a relationship for a long period of time... How long did it take you to trust someone again? How long did your depression last? And has Clonazepam ever helped anyone else with their depression...it just doesn't seem to work on me... Thank you for reading, Beowulf
Walk Posted December 5, 2005 Posted December 5, 2005 How long did it take you to trust someone again? How long did your depression last? 9 yr relationship. I'm still working on trust. HA. Been 2 years now. Depression... not too long, a few months. I lost everything in divorce 'cept a blanket, I was being deployed to Iraq, denied promotion at work after being promised position, broke my back and right arm and told I couldn't take time off from work til the new lady started, my dog of 13 yrs died, ex stiffed me with huge debts. All this in 6 months. No time for depression!! It's hard, I know. But the best thing you can do for yourself is take a good look at who you are and who you want to be. Then follow it. Don't let anything get in your way. If you want to be caring, honorable, and the best you can be... then do that. But define exactly what you want for yourself, and what you want in a significant other. I found that helped me to get over the feelings of hurt and powerlessness the quickest. As far as the drug you mentioned.. I didn't trust antidepressants. And I don't feel they solve the problem, just try to make it easier to deal with. For me, I wrote in a journal, started excercising after Dr. cleared me, and spent a lot of time with my family and friends. I think you may want to supplement the antidepressant with something that will help get your feelings out. Either excercise or a sport, or something creative like writing or music. One last thing. I heard it takes twice as long to "get over" a relationship as the period of time you were in it. So if you were in one for 2 years, it'll take 4 yrs. Not sure if it's true, but I still have issues I'm working through from my marriage and it's been 2yrs.
Author beowulf Posted December 8, 2005 Author Posted December 8, 2005 In the past few days I've tried staying off the pills. I've been writing in a journal of which I'm thinking of turning into a book. I've been painting...and today I got them into a local art gallery, and then I sold my first. Thank you for your advice, life goes on and I know one day I will find someone else. Currently I need to find myself though. Best of luck to you, perfect stranger who took the time out to help guide my way. Sincerely Beowulf...
Outcast Posted December 8, 2005 Posted December 8, 2005 I heard it takes twice as long to "get over" a relationship as the period of time you were in it. No, actually the saying is that it takes half as long, so 2 years for a 4 year relationship, not vice versa. I don't think it's a 'rule' of any sort, though. I'm sorry you went through this, Beowulf. Why did it happen? People have issues. Often they're well hidden. It can be real hard to find someone that is balanced and easy to have a relationship with. But it's not impossible!
EA_1024 Posted December 8, 2005 Posted December 8, 2005 Hi Beowulf. I am sorry to hear about the situation that you now find yourself in as I myself have had similar problems. About the anti-depressants? I (and other people on here I am sure) have been depressed and to be honest, no doubt that I still am as it is said once you have had it you can never truly be "rid of it". The drugs will not work for you if you are not "clinically depressed". Do you have mood swings? Like really low one minute and high/euphoric the next? If you do, then you are NOT depressed and drugs will not work on you at all. I was on them for a long time and found that they did not help me; I think that the doctor only put me on them to help stabilise my moods - I don't think that worked either. So, I refused to take them any more, believing that it was a state of mind I had and that I wanted to fix it myself and without the help of drugs, plus those things can have long-term side affects. You just have to believe in YOURSELF! You should never go on anti-depressants expecting them to work! Because if they do not, you will feel even worse. Your depression will only last for as long as you feel and for as long as you dwell on the past... The trust thing is also very difficult and I truly understand how you feel about this. You don't want to trust any woman again because you fear being hurt all over again and this is understandable. The bad side to this is the fact that your barriers will remain up and nobody will ever get in and you may unintentionally push people away - I did this myself. But I have difficulty in believing what anybody tells me and trusting their word as I have been let down once too often. People have demonstrated to you how much they love you, only to turn around and literally throw it back in your face, dare I say even to use you? So naturally you are pretty confused. I would say that when you meet a woman next, start off pretty neutral and don't commit to anything big like leaving your job, moving whatever, because they then have you where they want you. If someone loves you that much, let them come to you. Sure, help out a little financially if you like, but not to the point where you control it as you will be taken for granted and it'll also remove some of the other persons financial independance. The world is a nasty place at times mate, but like Walk says, you have to move on and think about YOURSELF FOR ONCE! Make sure you are okay before you make those commitments again. I hope I have been some tiny help in the situation you are in, but I can honestly relate to you. So, chin up, throw those anti-depressants in the bin and look to yourslef for the answers and put a smile on your face. Take care
ReluctantRomeo Posted December 8, 2005 Posted December 8, 2005 Hey Beowulf (great name btw - I promise to keep the anglo-saxon references within bounds ), I'm really sorry to hear this. I've had my fair share of experiences with girls with issues and it sucks. My experience is that the worst tends to be over in a year - you go through all the various holidays and events without them. There are things you can do to help you heal - the journalling and painting for example, provided you use them to express or distract yourself, rather than as a vehicle for brooding. There's a fine line. Self-improvement is good too. In fact, I'd suggest therapy since there's probably a reason why you go for these girls. There was with me Taking control in this and other ways will make you feel better. Chin up! I know it won't seem like it right now, but these girls are the exception, not the rule. Check out my signature line.
JS17 Posted December 8, 2005 Posted December 8, 2005 As for the rest of your story, I'm sorry, you just got the shaft a few times. Trust, well if I had the answer to that I'd be a different person. Onto the meds. I don't know a tremendous amount about them but I do know that Klonapin is for anxiety so I'm not surprised that it's not working for you. I don't know who put you on that but I would find another doctor and educate yourself a little bit on these medications. You also can't just go on and off them, supposedly it will really mess you up. You're supposed to ween off of them. You're going to be depressed after an event like this in your life, it's normal and medication may not be the answer for you. You may just need recovery time but if you feel you need them then please do as I mentioned and educate yourself on them.
newbby Posted December 8, 2005 Posted December 8, 2005 Do you have mood swings? Like really low one minute and high/euphoric the next? If you do, then you are NOT depressed and drugs will not work on you at all. this is misleading, there are forms of depression, such as bi-polar that manifest in wild mood changes. in the case of bi-polar though anti depressants dont always help and sometimes aggravate. having said that people nowadays seem far too med happy. it is perfectly normal to feel sad at the end of a relationship for instance and unless you have had cocktails of stressors for long periods, it is not likely the brain chemistry will become imbalanced enough to require meds. being sad because a relationship has broken down is a normal reaction. you are selling your paintings and things are looking up. if your brain chemistry is not imbalanced then the drugs have nothing to do in there. this is just my opinion of course.
Author beowulf Posted December 16, 2005 Author Posted December 16, 2005 Hi in the past few days I've started over, got off the anti-depressants, decided to go back to school and finish my degree... As for "She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named" I've found out from some of her best friends that she's always been nothing but a gold digger, She already had someone else moved in after I'd been gone a month. She's a survivor , and she does what she has to do...and she was my mistake. When her best friend called me appologizing for her actions, and saying how much she had thought she changed...made me feel the best. Her friend told me if I wasn't the one for her then she'll never find it. Life goes on...My original letter was written at a time in the middle of the night when I was in utter despair, it got better for me and anyone else out there it will get better for you...if your in the same situation or close to it. As for the name Beowulf....that's actually my dog's name...he's half German Shepard and half Wolf.
Walk Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 Hi in the past few days I've started over, got off the anti-depressants, decided to go back to school and finish my degree... Yay!! That's what I did too! I figured if you're feeling like your life's been completely ripped apart, then there's nothing better to do then start over! For me that was school too. Only 24 more classes. HA!!! Then on to my law degree. ock. I think that is awesome you sold your work. You must be very talented. Take care!!
ms_jnj Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 One last thing. I heard it takes twice as long to "get over" a relationship as the period of time you were in it. I sure hope not because that means I am fu**ed for the next 10 years.... But besides that...ReluctantRomeo seems to be on the money...it seems that the first year is the hardest. I am currently working on getting through Christmas for the first year after the break up with my boyfriend of five years. But every holiday or memorable date over brings a feeling of relief....the knowledge that you can survive it. If you are still hung up over the first girl, look up "straight spouse network" it is a support group for the spouse/bf/gf of a partner that has uh.....decided they were no longer straight but gay. Same thing happened to me....with a guy though. (Since I'm female). I have to say that is is particularly insulting to thing that my boyfriend prefered hairy mangina to his blonde, shapely, young girlfriend. So there are lots of issues surrounding that alone --- some very complicated issues in comparison to a regular break up. Also I've found that a break up with another, recent but short-lived, boyfriend brought up a lot of feelings from the first relationship, and I wonder if it is the same as you. Anyway I also believe that the key to feeling better is to keep yourself busy...it sounds cliche but it sure does work. You'll be ok...the one is out there for you somewhere, and when you find her, you will be so glad that these break ups happened...at least that's what I hope for myself and everyone that goes through a rough break up.
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