ChaseYng2005 Posted December 5, 2005 Posted December 5, 2005 I just want to share my story with people who might actually care, or perhaps you wont, either way- Thanks for reading. We met about 6 months ago. He and his wife have been together for over 5 years. They are separated but living together. It started by him telling me how his wife patronized him and put him down. How she rarely made love to him, and said so many hurtful things. I supported him, stroked his ego. We had only know each other 3 days when our friendship became more intimate. Things went along smoothly. He and and his wife worked a lot, they have no kids. Everyday he went to work, Id call him and talk to him for hours. Whenever his wife was away we were together. We some how found a way to see each other for long periods of time while his wife was at her job or busy. We had diners together, I stayed the night often. I met his parents and friends. Around October things got more complicated. He started spending more time with his wife and I became jealous. I decided I wanted him to be mine. I brought up the question of us being committed, and he told me he loved his wife and he's always wanted to try and fix the things that are going wrong. I stormed away from him and he said we shouldnt see each other anymore. He calls me in November crying. He says all he can do is think of me, and that when he's intimate with his wife he has to imagine me. We met and spent all day together. He says he's divorcing his wife. The next week he sounds as if hes committed to her AGAIN so I stop talking to him and he misses me and we meet again. He says he loves us both but I make him happy. The next week he says he cant love either of us because hes been hurt too much. He just wants friends with benefits. He asks me if I want a relationship, I lie and say no. Ive befriended his wife to get to know her better, because Im starting to see her as an enemy to keep close. I recorded her words and played them back to him, so he could see how I care for him more and that he cant trust her. However, I'm breaking off things with him again because I think Im hurting him too much. He doesnt want to feel love for me out of fear. Fear that I'll leave him perhaps, I am 10years younger he points out. He drinks ALL the time so he wont feel for me is what he says. He says that sometimes hes hurtful to me so hopefully Ill hate him and leave him. This tug-o-war for his heart is wearing him down, and I know it might kill him, but Ive got to let him know. I hate seeing him so down about the situation. It will be hard, but Im going to ignore his emails and phone calls. His wife suspects something, but she has no idea where or who the other woman might be. She is so strongly in the dark about things because she never suspects me as being with her husband, because I am a man.
newbby Posted December 5, 2005 Posted December 5, 2005 this is a bizarre story. well all i would say is that his wife is not your enemy, she also loves him and she is in the dark as you say. thats not a nice place to be. not judging the fact you became the om but befriending her and taping her words is very sneaky indeed. thats just not nice. cant you see that?
JayKay Posted December 5, 2005 Posted December 5, 2005 I think this is a very sad story ....especially the part about you befriending the wife. This MM sounds like a real flake, telling you one thing one day and another thing another. And you're busting your butt trying to get him to see the light. He WON'T see the light until the sh*t hits the fan (he gets caught) or he loses something of major importance to him (his wife, his money, you or something else major). Trying to convince someone so ambivalent and non-committal is like trying to hold water in a sieve. You are going to have to be the strong one here. If this situation is intolerable (and God, it sounds intolerable!) you need to lay down the law and say, "It's this way or NO way..." You won't earn his respect by letting him be wishy-washy. You've allowed him to fidget and delay and lie and back track for this long....he's not about to change. The game playing (recording his wife's conversation) and drama make my head ache. Please either walk away or set some boundaries in your own life.
Author ChaseYng2005 Posted December 5, 2005 Author Posted December 5, 2005 You are all both very right. I've decided to start the NC policy after he didnt return my call yesterday. He just sent an email apologizing. I cant force myselt to just delete it, but I am not going to read it.
newbby Posted December 5, 2005 Posted December 5, 2005 thats very strong of you. nc really does work. within a few months you will be over it and glad youre out, or at least more able to see it for what it was.
Sami_D Posted December 5, 2005 Posted December 5, 2005 You say: "They are separated but living together." and "He says he's divorcing his wife." So you have no idea what the situation is. It began quite typically.. "him telling me how his wife patronized him and put him down. How she rarely made love to him, and said so many hurtful things." But you were quite aware of your actions... "I supported him, stroked his ego." and before long "I became jealous. I decided I wanted him to be mine." However... He told you: "he loved his wife and he's always wanted to try and fix the things that are going wrong". He said: "He just wants friends with benefits." Ignoring what he told you, you rationalised: "He doesnt want to feel love for me out of fear. Fear that I'll leave him perhaps, I am 10years younger he points out." And your fantasising isn't helped by his indecision: "He says he loves us both... The next week he says he cant love either of us", and his evident lack of control: "He drinks ALL the time" telling you it's because "he wont feel for me. Added to that is his inability to make a decision for himself - hurting you so that "hopefully I'll hate him and leave him." And you buy into the drama: "This tug-o-war for his heart is wearing him down, and I know it might kill him" And then... to the lunacy: "I've befriended his wife to get to know her better, because Im starting to see her as an enemy to keep close. I recorded her words and played them back to him, so he could see how I care for him more and that he cant trust her... [she] suspects something, but she has no idea where or who the other woman might be. She is so strongly in the dark about things because she never suspects me as being with her husband, because I am a man." DA-DA! Well OK, so you managed to meet his friends, family and wife because (perhaps) no-one suspects he's bisexual (or confused or gay). I can't imagine for a minute that you're about to end this, or go NC... because you're writing it with too much drama, and very little emotion. You write about him perhaps being 'killed' by the whole thing, and 'destroyed'... but you don't really sound like you give a monkeys for him, his wife, or anything but being wrapped up in this whole drama. How do you feel..?
travellingman Posted December 6, 2005 Posted December 6, 2005 Which made up story does everyone like better - this one or the Australian Dentist?
whichwayisup Posted December 6, 2005 Posted December 6, 2005 He's lying to you and to his wife. The guy wants his cake in everyway possible. He started spending more time with his wife and I became jealous. I decided I wanted him to be mine. I brought up the question of us being committed, and he told me he loved his wife and he's always wanted to try and fix the things that are going wrong. I stormed away from him and he said we shouldnt see each other anymore. You can't have what isn't yours to begin with. You don't have the ring on your finger...You're not his wife. The best thing to do now is leave him alone. Care less about him and his pain and worry about yourself and how you're going to get over him. Start life fresh, without him, the rollercoaster ride you're on and all that pain. Is he worth it??? Really dig down deep and answer that for yourself.
beachrosie Posted December 6, 2005 Posted December 6, 2005 Which made up story does everyone like better - this one or the Australian Dentist? That is funny...but then I wonder...maybe it is real???
Author ChaseYng2005 Posted December 6, 2005 Author Posted December 6, 2005 Sami_D, I really do love him, and he has said he loves me. He hardly spends any time with his wife, which leaves him lonely. Im not living in a fantasy. We are very close. The only one who isnt in on my sexuality is his wife, so I think his family knows. He's met my family, and THEY know. Do I have concern for his wife?? Not at all. His family never liked his wife, but supported her because they thought he was growing out of his homosexuality phase. She comes across as stuck-up. He probably only married her to keep up appearances. To be honest, will the NC work?? Ive tried it a few times and always failed. Does that mean I should stop??.....Not at all. He has already sent me several emails and left messages on my voice mail, and I havent read any of them. If I discover that he wants to actually make a committed effort of some type, I will respond to him.
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