Sunset Posted December 4, 2005 Posted December 4, 2005 Hi ladies, not been on for a few weeks and wondered how everyone was doing/feeling - NC lapsed,taken up again/found a better option? How's everyone doing in the run up to christmas - feeling it more or learning to live with it? Has MM/OM been persistant or left you alone? Any gold nuggats of advice to offer? OM has been emailing on/off for around 4 weeks, not many just once a week wanting to know why I hadnt replied, wanting to meet but putting time stipulations etc. on it. Apart from a lapse about 3 weeks ago when I casually replied - in a nice way - but made no arrangements, I have stuck to my NC. I do miss him and have put on a whole load of weight (that is a big factor in not wanting to see him right now). Still on ADs and coping ok, trying to focus on other things. Bought a book called 'turning 30' to see if I can pinpoint why I went down this road in the first place (me being a MW with Kids and having put a lot at risk). Not found much to explain yet but still here, just wondering how everyone else was doing?
newbby Posted December 4, 2005 Posted December 4, 2005 hey sunset, glad to hear you are still in nc. me too. well i had some temporary distraction in a sg, but thats gone now too. i suppose for me the trick has been to focus on what really matters in life and on what is beneficial in the long run. getting physically and mentally healthy, or at least trying to. once the addiction is gone and you can see it clearly, theres not an awful lot to miss.
foolinlove Posted December 5, 2005 Posted December 5, 2005 Ladies....just when you think that things will start to look up...it can take a turn for the worse. Recap..went NC in October, MM moved out of home with W. Talks of divorce have been constant on his part, my support has been encouraging. Since the week, i've become confused and very hurt. MM has "things" to take care of at W home, she wants ALL his stuff out 100% (heavy equipment, tools, a whole ****-load). He has no where to take it all....I've given him his space...I do not like the fact that he has "things" to take care of over there..but I bite my tounge. So recently...I've had a harder and harder time with all of this...he can't seem to let go of all the drama and walk away for good. He says its very difficult for him to hurt someone like this....and her knowing that it is for another woman is making it even worse for him. As he asks for papers to be filed....she threatens to make his job hard for him. (They work together at same small organization). She threatens to "tell" of his indiscretions....he is the only male of 14 females. He NEEDS his job, and she would end up leaving and moving with family, but not before she made it hell for him. The problem? I'm so tired of the excuses of why things are not progressing....the job, the stuff...the pain. I just want for it all to be over and start our life. I've asked him to just take the time and take care of it, because it seems like when we are talking...i'm expressing my hurt over the situation. Putting more pressure on him....and making it hard for myself. I don't call...he calls after 3 days....hurt...making him feel like i'm backing out on him, when I explain over and over that i want him to deal with his current life....! I'm so tired of it all....I understand divorces are messy and hard...on EVERYONE involved..maybe worse when a OW was involved. But i can't keep hearing that same BS, the same song and dance. And when i back off....i get accused of trying to bail. I feel damned if i do and damned if i dont'. I'm lost as to what to say and what to do. I love him, and hate to see him hurting, but i'm hurting too. And he won't just let me be...he insists on dragging me down into this hell with him...which i would be happy to do...if i KNEW we would come out of it together..but at this point, I just dont know. Is he having me hang on for nothing? Its hard....its all VERY hard.
newbby Posted December 5, 2005 Posted December 5, 2005 i guess he is feeling insecure. if hiw w is threatening to ruin the rest of his life he wants even more reassurance that you are going to be there for him. just keep reassuring him, thats all you can do. i know you want reassurance too, its hard.
Ladyjane14 Posted December 5, 2005 Posted December 5, 2005 i guess he is feeling insecure. if hiw w is threatening to ruin the rest of his life he wants even more reassurance that you are going to be there for him. just keep reassuring him, thats all you can do. i know you want reassurance too, its hard. Then he's leaving his marriage for the wrong reasons. If he's truly unhappy in the relationship with his wife, then he'd be leaving the marriage no matter what. I suspect this is just another manipulation to keep OW hanging on for a while longer. 'The best defense is a good offense' and all that. What's valuable to him in his old life that his wife could possibly "ruin"? Shouldn't he be moving on in ALL aspects of his life...or is he going to continue working in the same environment as his STBX?
Sami_D Posted December 5, 2005 Posted December 5, 2005 foolinlove, have you tried reading/posting on the 'Surviving Divorce' forum on gloryb.com? There are several women posting there who are going through similar things to you, and I think you would get some positive advice on handling this most difficult phase of your R. Best of luck with everything.
cherrie498 Posted December 6, 2005 Posted December 6, 2005 Hey guys....I jumped on the NC wagon with you in October but fell off : ( Would like to join back in. I have spent alot of time talking & have listened to MM make the same promises & spout off the same excuse for lets hope the last time!!! I am tired of feeling hurt. I love him, I cant deny that. But I am better than this. I have started to realize what all I have missed & most importantly what it I am going to keep missing if I dont get out!!!!! Sunset & newbby....Congrats!!! any pointers???
Author Sunset Posted December 6, 2005 Author Posted December 6, 2005 Hi Cherrie, rest of gang, No magic pointers I am afraid, hard work every day but... Realising the situation will never change and that its just the same old BS has helped Not contacting/seeing him for a while means I have got out of the viscious circle and like Newbby said - is a little easier to see when you aren't stuck in the middle Life is a lot smoother when the emotional rollercoaster isn't there - sure the highs are not as high but at least those lows have gone When I get low I just try and imagine myself to be a beautiful princess who he misses like mad every days and pines for - may or may not be true but makes me feel better Reading my self help books - Paul McKennas change your life in 7 days to be highly recommended, a lot of us OW have low esteem and whilst not a relationship book it makes me feel better and shifts the focus back onto myself and my life. Free cd in back of book very good too.
newbby Posted December 6, 2005 Posted December 6, 2005 ladyjane i think one of the big factors that keeps the mm (the few who are genuine) from leaving to be with an ow is the public shame of it. ok so they may be in love with the ow and not in love with wife but they still dont want their entire lives to fall apart and they are not always so sure the ow will want them if they were actually free to have a normal relationship. these fears are easy to imagine and understand.
newbby Posted December 6, 2005 Posted December 6, 2005 hey cherrie, the first part is just willpower. like everything you give up, you feel worse initially and have to remind yourself of why its going to be better soon. after a while you get a bit more clarity. before you know it, you will start actually feeling better nice to hear from you all, glad you started this thread.
feistyfloridagirl Posted December 7, 2005 Posted December 7, 2005 NC is not easy for me, but the phone calls and text messaging has stopped (at my insistance) We work together and have to interact a lot. My department and his department pretty much run hand-in-hand. It is so hard to look at MM and not rip his eyes out, yet on the other hand it is so hard not to jump into his arms and hold him too. I am having a very rough go of it. Thankfully, I'm going away the week between Christmas and New Years, so I won't have to even be in the same state as him, but damn it is so hard. We dress very casual at work, but today we had an important meeting with a potentially huge client, so we all dress up and 'look the part'. I get an email after lunch from MM saying "you look so beautiful today, I would marry you today." I replied "one part you are leaving out...you are already married." I felt so bad sending that, but wtf am I supposed to say...gee, lets run away together, I mean get real!
Ladyjane14 Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 ladyjane i think one of the big factors that keeps the mm (the few who are genuine) from leaving to be with an ow is the public shame of it. ok so they may be in love with the ow and not in love with wife but they still dont want their entire lives to fall apart and they are not always so sure the ow will want them if they were actually free to have a normal relationship. these fears are easy to imagine and understand. When a married partner cheats they make a decision to risk 'their entire life falling apart'. It's a conscious decision, not at all mitigated by emotionalism. It's a choice to cheat that is made with the possible array of consequences fully in view. The selfishness of the MM/MW-cheater is in trying to keep their home-deal going and still make a conscious choice to risk it all. It's unfair to EVERYONE involved....wife, children, and even the affair partner. The only one who is getting their emotional needs/wants met is the cheater! The OW too often allows sympathy to cloud her judgement. She hears a sad story and buys into it. But the bottom line is that the MM is a big boy. The keys to his cage are in his hand! Divorce isn't difficult to achieve these days. It happens everyday. The simple equation for measuring the truth is this: WORDS + ACTIONS = THE TRUTH WORDS - ACTIONS = BULLSH*T The truth is not mitigated by the lack of deceitful intent. A lie is no less a lie just because the MM who tells it, believes it himself in the heat of the moment. The married cheater might believe that he's being truthful, but if he's unwilling to act on his words.....then there really isn't any appreciable difference in the quality of his TRUTH. He may as well be telling a whopper for all that. At the end of the day, if the equation equals "bullsh*t", then it's just another emotional manipulation.....regardless of MM's belief in his own words. People aren't perfect, and they do make mistakes. They sometimes get confused on what they really want. But the OW doesn't have to allow herself to be perpetually victimized by that. She becomes complicit in her own misery at a certain point when she continues to allow herself to be emotionally manipulated. Evil intent (or lack thereof) by the MM doesn't alter her responsibility to herself.
newbby Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 absolutely true ladyjane, but reassurance does not mean continuing the relationship as things stand. you can reassure somebody that if they leave you will be there for them, but that you will not put yourself through the stress of continuing a relationship that the other party has not fully committed to. i suppose it comes down to, being understanding without f>cking yourself up in the process.
Sami_D Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 That's a really good post ladyjane, thanks for sharing your insight.
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