How long do you wait during separation?

[Zetter]

I've teetered and then tottered with this one. My wife and I separated 4 months ago, and it was over. She began "casually" dating someone else, whatever that means. I'm not dating. We agreed to sign papers. Then a month ago she asked if we could wait a while longer to try to be friends and see where it goes. I'm not around for a few months, and so it is hard to become friends again via email, although we are being more open and honest with each other than ever before. Anyway, she says that after a month she doesn't feel any different. I asked if she wanted to sign papers and she said, "well, what do you think?" I told her that I thought we should as i didn't want to wait around for her to change her mind. Now I'm changing mine. I could honestly live with this situation for a while, and would not regret it in the end if it didn't work out between us. I guess my question would be...am I just helping her through the tough times of separation while she displaces her attachment of me with someone else? Or would we truly be working towards being friends, and the potential for more, for the good of our relationship? The next question would be...if I agree to continue, do I put a time limit on this, and if so for how long?

[GuySimple]

I don't think there is a specific time. It would depend on each situation and the complexity of the relationship (kids,finances etc.)

 

I know what you are thinking. Initially I was in a rush to get all the paperwork signed etc., but more as an indication to her that I have moved on and maybe just a smidge of trying to P her off. But we agreed to hold off until after the holidays to formalize anything. Most financial arrangements are very basic anyway. So I ask, if it was a mutual separation, which it sounds like it was, what’s the rush?

 

Eventually you will have to sign papers and you should have something in place (formal or informal) for day to day finances and kids, especially if either of you are dating or are incurring expenses outside of your relationship.

[Zetter]

I guess I left out an important piece - the separation was not my choice at all. I never wanted it and did all I could to reconcile before, during and after.

[GuySimple]

Still, unless you are doing it to simply say "hey you want out than get out for good", what is the rush? Take the time to discover yourself and what you want.

 

My wife was the one who suggested that maybe we should live apart and I was not that happy about it initially. But, the longer we go, and the more people I meet, the more I look at her and think that I probably would not go back if she wanted me to. At the end of the day she is not what I am looking for.

 

Now, put my big ego in the picture and I do sometimes find myself looking for ways of getting her back. But, not because I want her, because I am a control freak sometimes and hate the fact that she took control of the situation. Not healthy.

[Zetter]

yeah, i guess that is the problem. I've done a lot of soul searching and looking back on our relationship lately, and I see that while I was trying to be the "good guy" throughout this whole thing, and really did try to give my wife everything, i missed some critical things that lead to a lot of fights, miscommunications and misunderstandings. That led to her leaving, and now after really digging i see that she isn't crazy, isn't a bitch, isn't too emotional..l see the things that she really needed from me and now it seems that it is either too late or almost too late. And I truly don't think that I'm just trying to justify to myself that I'm not crazy for wanting her back. But I've taken the time to figure out what I want and how i want it, and now it seems that I can't get it.

[GuySimple]

Than what you need is to now give her the space to figure out what she wants. That means don't try to p'ss her off with demands about paperwork. While she is working through what she needs and wants take some time for yourself and maybe explore a bit of what you may want.