JTel76 Posted December 4, 2005 Posted December 4, 2005 I have been divorced for 1.5 years. I still hurt and went through a crying spell this evening and felt lost. I really can't talk to my friends and family because they don't understand and really don't want to hear about it anymore. I did a search on the internet and found this site and read numerous threads. I can't tell you how much reading everyones posts helped me out, I have realized how far I have come. It does get better, it truly does. I don't speak to my xh for he is living with his girlfriend and her children. From what I understand she was pregnant and unfortunately lost their child while still in the womb. I am leaving the state after being here for 5 years and heading back to the midwest to be with my family. I did not want to make any decisions until I really could stand on my feet again and now I can. To all that you are hurting to the point where you can't eat, sleep, breathe or even get out of bed, it does get better. Hopefully once I am back "home" things will be easier for me, familar faces and places. We are from the same town in the midwest and I will run into his friends and family and I hope I can hold my head up high and not let a tear drop fall. I just know that when I am a complete person again, love will find me and I will not repeat the same mistakes.
Trimmer Posted December 5, 2005 Posted December 5, 2005 JTel - it sounds like you've been through a lot, and have made a lot of progress, but you also still have some "stuff" bottled up. Do you feel up to telling us your story?
Author JTel76 Posted December 6, 2005 Author Posted December 6, 2005 You are right, I have a lot bottled up, probably too much for my own good. Thank you for realizing or seeing through my bullsh*t. No one understands unless you are going through it or just have recently. My pain has been there since March of 2004 and I am wondering when it is my time to be happy but then again, it was probably my fault. You asked for my story, so here it goes. I have been independent since I was 15. At 15 I decided it was time to change and do something good for myself even though my family was very prominent in Michigan. I was tired of the threats of if I didn't behave or perform as expected, I would be shipped out. I was very athletic, very popular and even the class president...I was tired of the maddness and one day I said..that is it, I am calling you on your bluff...and I did. Two weeks later I am living in Iowa with my father and his wife of (13 years and their 10 year old daughter and 3 year old son...I wanted a family...mind you the stepmom and the kids are my mom and my brothers and sisters even though we have different moms, etc.) I graduated from high school and lived at home for a year, after that I was on my own - put myself from college, apartment (alone), car (insurance as well), clothes, food, etc. Once I was done, I was done (just like my xh with me). I was very proud of who I was and what I have accomplished in so little time. I was having the greatest time of my life and by chance I met the most handsome man that I had ever seen in a city 5 hours away from my hometown at a wedding...to find out, we are from the same town...but he was 3 or 4 years older than I. I saw him across a pew in church and I thought to myself...god, where did he come from, I fell in love with him right then and there. I had too much to drink and I ended up sleeping with him but left in the middle of the night to be with those who I was with...I left my name and phone number on the mirror in lipstick. He called on Sunday and then we fell in love. He had a plan to move to Florida for he is in incredible wrestling coach/teacher. He moved after three months of dating and we were in love. I had been in two or three long term relationships but his longest was 3 months, mine 5 years...but he just brought out the best in me...then... He moves to Florida after dating only three months and I follow him...I had a great job, friends, etc and I meet this man who totally turned my life upside down and I followed but I think he didn't want me to come down and be with him for I don't know anymore if ever asked me or if I just came. I hated it there for a good year and I cried and was horrible to live with. He ended up cheating on me and we split up; I gained weight, I didn't know his passion and he didn't know mine. I had no where to go so I lived with some friends and after a month or so (this is one year after living in FL) and I made up my mind to go home and he asked me to stay. We got back together and things were so great for two years. I was tiny like he liked me but not pretty or thin enough (5'4 112 lbs). I became so much involved his coaching/teaching that I felt neglected if he didn't tell me something. He would go on trips and I was not allowed to go and I would sit and sulk. I turned to alcohol then...I did not want to leave him or the house because he was my life but in the end, it killed my relationship with him and me. My life was him and I was lost...something was missing...I turned to a friend at work and once I did that...things went down hill. I ended up having an affair (he does not know) for attention and love or just something. I got married and was divorced 366 days later. My worst days have been the latter. I have regreted every moment of my divorce. I understand that he is much happier without me but my heart still aches and bleeds. I have been in Florida for 5 years, 1.5 divorced and I can't seem to really move on. I am going home back to Iowa to see if I can regain my strength and composure. I had everything and now I have nothing. He is so accomplised and I am nothing and I don't understand how a love so pure can turn so ugly. He left me ...took a job during our separation in Texas and just walked away. I was left holding the bag..mortgage, heart and soul and now here I am, with a bleeding heart and not wanting to move back home because I am ashamed and embarassed. He was the love of my life and now he has a new love and it hurts me so much that I wake up in the middle of the night crying...I love him and he doesn't love me and that is the worst feeling in the world and this is after almost two years. I am lost, I love him and he loves someone else with two children. I feel like this biggest loser and I just wish someday I can love again and perhaps be loved.
Yikes Posted December 8, 2005 Posted December 8, 2005 It sounds like you have the right idea and no, it's not going to be easy. I've been separated for over two years and I still have emotional baggage that I continue to filter through. I still wake up in the middle of the night on ocassion. I have dated a bit, but am unable to let another woman close... I don't trust anyone. I wish that I could but I can't. I am working on it. I guess what I am trying to say is everyone's timetable is different. Some people heal faster (or sometimes pretend to heal) while for others it takes more time. There are no hard fast rules. I'd say keep doing what you are doing. Focus on the positive, be good to yourself and continue to hold your head high. You will get past this.
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