whichwayisup Posted December 18, 2005 Posted December 18, 2005 That's the key right now to remember. Your heart and emotions are ruling your mind. Deep down YOU KNOW...Maybe you're just not ready yet to actually admit it. The NC thing helps YOU heal. Helps you detach from him, emotionally, physically, whatever. The busier you keep yourself, the less you'll think about him. Read no foolin's thread in the coping section. It could shed some light and help you in your situation.
Author ahotmess Posted December 19, 2005 Author Posted December 19, 2005 I saw MM today. Totally on purpose...but infront of lots of people. we didn't even hug...it was like a 2 minute...on the run meeting..but arranged...and it required lots of effort on both our parts to happen. Anyways I said before we are planning to meet wednsday night. He left me a voicemail while I was inflight...after we saw eachother....and he had so much genuine excitement in his voice. He said how wonderful it was to see me...made his day....his isn't too free with those kind of comments...atleast not until he told me about his feelings for me. Sooo I know that when I see him..and I know I shouldn't do that....I will have to give the ultimatum...or something.....I am so scared he will chose W....I feel in my heart that he (sh)would choose me. But I'm scared of the rejection factor. Once he choses her....I know I will have to go completely NC This meeting of ours on WED I feel is needed. For closure at least. But closur is my fear.
Sami_D Posted December 19, 2005 Posted December 19, 2005 oops... ahotmess! I'm still not clear... have you told him straight that you won't continue anything with him unless he is Divorcing..? Because you know what's going to happen here... he has seen that he can pick up his phone anytime, text you, and in a few days be sleeping with you. He might be saying he misses you, and he loves you... but are you actually sure that those aren't just words on his part..? Just because he was telling some other girl how 'unhappy' he is in his M means nothing... You have to think seriously about what you want, need, and can seriously expect from this R. I know you're already up to your neck, but you can make a break if you feel that's the right thing for you to do. What do you think..?
Author ahotmess Posted December 19, 2005 Author Posted December 19, 2005 Sami_D...what do I think? That depends on the part of me that happens to be thinking at the time...I wish my head/heart would just get it together! I'm thinking I know myself....I know I will see him on Wednsday night...and we will have the "talk". Because as of yet...we have not had that. And I have not been totally clear on the ultimatum. Because he says things like "I don't want you to get hurt"...well I already am...and so what do I do? This is one hot mess I've gotten myself into! It would be right to not see him...to go into complete NC....I want to...just to see what he would do. But I am soo afraid of never seeing him again. Never touching him. Never feeling the way he makes me feel...and I don't mean in an intimate way...I mean emotionally. I feel so complete when I am with him. He compliments my life in ways I've never experienced. I love him. And seeing him yesterday just affirmed that for me. Of course I want the ultimate answer to be that he wants to be with me. That would totally be a dream come true.......but I'm not much of a believer in fairy tales anymore.
Sami_D Posted December 19, 2005 Posted December 19, 2005 Ultimatums rarely work... someone has to want to do something for themselves, in their own time. Forced to choose between his W and you right now... he will choose his W (... and then probably text you again in a while telling you he's missing you... just my guess). Rather than giving him an utimatum, it's up to you to choose what you will do in this situation. But the first thing you need to do is to have the conversation, and get it in the open how you are thinking and feeling about him. Then ask him how he feels about the situation, and what he envisages for the future. Given what you've told us about him so far I'm guessing he'll do a lot of puffing and blowing and 'I don't want to hurt you', and 'i'm very confused'... and it will amount to he'll want to continue it with you just as long as you'll let him get away with it. So... you really have to decide... being the OW (on whatever terms), or walking away..?
Author ahotmess Posted December 22, 2005 Author Posted December 22, 2005 I went to see him. I love him soo much. I got the answer I needed. I didn't even ask him. We both openely talked about how this really should come to an end. At one point I said "maybe we should just keep doing this". His reply: "The end result would just be the same". It was amicable. I pleaded with him to stop texting me or calling me. I told him to become a jerk. I told him that even if I call/text him, he should not reply. That is our agreement. we cried. This morning when I left I didn't even say goodbye, we didn't hug, or even touch at all. He hasn't sent me a text. He hasn't called. I miss him already and I only left him 2hrs ago! This sucks and I feel so depeleted of all faith in fininding someone. He says I am young and will find someone. I told him the only one I want is him. He said that I deserve so much better and that I will never find it in a pilot (hmmm). I just want this pain to go away. The worst part of it all is that I have lost everything that I look forward to, and beyond that I have lost a best friend. I am soo, soo sad! If what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.....look out world!
audrie Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 I can relate so much on how you feel because that is exactly what happened to me. We have done the break up things few times and now i think this time is for real. I dont feel the pain anymore but I feel the anger.
Author ahotmess Posted December 23, 2005 Author Posted December 23, 2005 One whole day....I've made it through a whole day without text/talk. Not really 24hrs yet....come on 6am! I am soo numb. I feel so many emotions...that right now I am in "flight" mode. We agreed to NC. And for my own sake I do hope that he will honor that...even when it gets bad and I am wanting him sooo badly. How could he say he loves me....wants to be with me....but is not leaving his wife?! They have no children and seperate bank accounts. What is stopping him? Today I actually started wondering what is wrong with me? It clearly must be something....or I would be "worth it". Right. How long has it been since you started NC, audrie? I keep listening to the same sad songs that remind me of him. He said it right when he said I deserve better...but I don't want anything but him
audrie Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 Oh well we have been knowing each other for 5 months now. He suggested NC after 3 months. It is really hard when the first time he did that. I was crying for the whole day. Then he came back to me again and did it again almost every 2 weeks or so. So this is not the first time i have NC with him but definitely this time is so much easier. I supposed i still love him but i have enough of him telling me the bull**t about how much he wants to be with me, how he feel trap inside his marriage yet he has to pretend to be happy for the sake of his daughter. All those craps talking about ''wanting" actually hurts me, it makes me feel ,although it seems that he wants it, yet it seems i am not worth it to leave his baggage behind. And it hurts. And seems ur MM does the same thing too. He left me message yesterday that he loves me but i didnt reply it all. I know it is hard not to reply him, i am sure u feel the same way too especially if he is the one who initiated the contact again. I suppose, it is easier if you keep yourself busy. And for my case i keep on thinking there are many other fishes in ocean (sounds cliche huh) , and it does help greatly. And i keep on reminding myself things he did to me that drive me to wall. Do PM me if you wanna to talk
Author ahotmess Posted December 24, 2005 Author Posted December 24, 2005 I am soo confused right now. I feel like I should be feeling sooo horrible right now. But I don't feel at all. I am indifferent to everything. This is so weird....is it just an inability to cope with all the pain....or is it just easy now that I have closure? We remain NC...enter our third day tomorrow....that is a big step and I've decided to take this situation one day at a time. Constantly making it my goal to just get through each hour. Busying myself. Do I delete his pictures? What about his text/voice messages? I took a LOA from work...just to have some time to breathe and remove myself from my usual surroundings. I know that time and distance heal. At least for this very moment.....I feel ready to move on. I for strong for now and that is what matters most...the now.
Sami_D Posted December 24, 2005 Posted December 24, 2005 ahotmess, I would delete his pictures, voicemail, any emails you have from him and just forget him. He's behaved like a total arse through this, and really you know it, yes..? All the time he was telling you he loved you and missed you... he must have known that he wasn't interested in leaving his W. And he's telling other women that he's not happy in his M... just setting himself up for some other booty. He doesn't care one iota for your pain, or your loss... he's been horrible to you. Just dump him from your mind.
Sami_D Posted December 24, 2005 Posted December 24, 2005 All those craps talking about ''wanting" actually hurts me, it makes me feel ,although it seems that he wants it, yet it seems i am not worth it to leave his baggage behind. And it hurts. Yes... that is a HUGE difference... 'I want'... and doing. And we (women) can somehow believe that 'I want' and 'I intend' mean something, because for US... it DOES mean something. Men are so bad at the future. Witness how many men were running around like idiots today buying presents. Men have no idea of the future. When men talk in future talk... it doesn't mean a thing.
shelby Posted December 27, 2005 Posted December 27, 2005 ahotmess, I have a suggestion that I think will help a little. Change your cell phone number. I've been in a similar situation myself. Making a pact to have NC can be so easily broken....bringing back all the confusing thoughts and feelings. Changing my cell gave me a feeling of finality and control that I desperately needed.
Author ahotmess Posted December 28, 2005 Author Posted December 28, 2005 I am soooo hurting! I hate that I cannot have him in my life. I hate that I am in love with him! I hate that he is a great, awesome person, and has hurt me sooo much! This pain, however self induced it is, hurts! I wish I could go back and change things.....I was soo much better off before him. He is sooo on my mind right now. I don't really have much other to say than that. Why does my world have to be falling apart around me? He has taken away soo much! Everything I looked forward to, everything that seemed real, everything that was exciting and mysterious...gone! No more wild nights or crazy wondering.... I am broken and empty. I want him to feel the same. I want to know where he stands at this point, but I know that I can't talk to him to find out. No contact, whatsoever, since thursday morning, and we didn't even say goodbye then. No hug or kiss. Not even a smile. I want to scream I feel sooo horrible. This sucks!!!!
Leid Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 I, too, said I'd NEVER date a married man.. but here I am.. my first rlp w/ one still legally tied, though he's left the wife. BUT He's still married... I'm not trying to encourage you, but a lot of ppl aren't married to the love of their life or just plain married to the wrong person... when that someone comes along, they WANT to drop everything to be w/ them. The complexities of children, moral obligation, etc. gets in the way. But how can you explain two people so strongly drawn to each other?? That's not something so easily controlled. If I were in your shoes, esp. at your age, I'd just keep my options open when dating. As for the NC, I'm sure this will hurt for a while, but that's probably b/c you've not had any closure. Best of luck, Leid
Author ahotmess Posted December 29, 2005 Author Posted December 29, 2005 Maybe it is because I had a 16 hr day....16 hours on an airplane....and I only traversed the eastern seaboard. Angry passengers...delays suck. I am soo exhausted that I don't really feel. But today I am stronger. Oxymoron I know...but what I am feeling is this...Clearly my feelings for MM were/are way more than what he felt for me. He would have acted differently had he felt more for me. I am thankful for the friends I have who are putting up with all the cuts from the broken pieces that remain of what once served as my very well put together life. The hatred grows stronger......but the love still remains. Leid, thanks for your help. I do hope that things work out for you. I haven't lost hope, I just know that in my situation....well....I know that it wasn't a case of "he fell in love with the wrong person" or "we had bad timing". It is a case of skyway affair gone completely wrong.....how can a wrong, go wrong? lol Please keep the posts coming...I sure need them. But I'm happy....it has been (at 6am) a full week without contact! That is major for me. Still debating b/c I know we will be in the same city on new years eve....the same hotel....probably the same floor even...maybe he'll be right next door...and I sooooo need the strength to not call him then. That will be the ultimate test, but regardless I am trying to drop the trip...just so that temptation will be gone. For all the OW out there...I found an awesome website last night...it is gloryb.com.....they have lots of totally understanding poetry....things that relate so much to how I am feeling...it's worth checking out!
audrie Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 The hatred grows stronger......but the love still remains. i broke my not talking stage with him. I think i was very civil and kinda cold headed when i "talked" with him. He sent me message. I dont think I hate him as much as I hate him few days ago. Maybe i am cooling down now. He still said that he loves me and i told him that love is verb. When he is ready to move on, find me then. He asked me whats happened if in few months he is not ready. I told him it is my fate then I wont be with him. He was telling me how his wife is no longer physically hit him and changed her attitude. I told him, it is good. Told him that it is no longer my problem. Perhaps he is trying to make me jealous? But now i am in control to the situation, i feel much better. Once in a while i still feel sad though because i think he is really my soulmate. Actually, the oldeurope thread gives me so much strength to cope with this. Sorry ahotmess, i dont mean to hijack. Hope you will find the strength to carry on.
Sami_D Posted December 31, 2005 Posted December 31, 2005 ahotmess, the gloryb.com site is a good one because is has many more people posting there who are involved in the OW side of affairs. You can get to grips with the facts more easily there. And make better decisions once you've read the stories. Hey ahotmess, I'm glad you're not still with him. I'll be happier when I hear in your next post that you're still not! I just didn't ever see him being emotionally involved with you... but just saying the things that got you hooked into his needs. You know what..? Just because he doesn't feel anything about you two... and because you do..? All that means is he's an ass... he, despite being married... can't seem to feel anything for anyone else.. that's his tragedy. While you DO feel something for him... well... trite and so on that it sounds... you're the one who can go on and have a good relationship with someone. He's always going to be a nonce.
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